I hate my SIL’s and this makes DH angry

[inARut243]

Most recent fight - I don’t want to invite his sisters to our youngest upcoming birthday, he does. I want my sisters there he doesn’t.

I know in ideal world it would be “fair” option to take I.e. they both come but I can’t have that for reasons below:

1. they have treated me appallingly - when my eldest daughter was born they made so many sexist comments (we’re Indians so in their mentality everyone wants boys), DH didn’t back me. MIL said her daughters would never say that and I’m making up stories! DH was present during both conversations and didn’t back me
2. they wrecked her first birthday by not speaking to me and embarrassing me infront of guests when I tried to introduce them to my friends. They are btw 14 years and 10 years older than me.
3. they have zero effort with me or my kids even though they live 10 minutes and 25 mins away.
4. I have never been invited to their home in the 10 years of marriage
5. when we met up during the early days at MIL home both sisters would roll their eyes at anything I said. Absolutely anything,
6. Every wedding, every party they have made it clear they don’t want me on their table and laughed and looked at me up and down everytime I dressed up. Making me feel very self conscious.

on the other hand my siblings have celebrated both my daughters, came over with gifts. Have made DH feel part of the family and remember his birthdays and send a message every year. Make so much effort with my firms and buy them stuff and call them on a weekly basis even though they all live many hours away.

this fight with DH will never end. It’s been 4 years since I saw his sisters but they are very active in our lives as we fight about them.

I’m a petty dick about stuff so I’d invite them on the wrong date or the wrong place or the wrong time. But don’t follow my example.

Your husband is treating your children appallingly. He doesn't even bother with his own children's birthdays? He sounds awful.

Organise the party how you want, and invite your family. Tell him the details, then leave him to organise his own family invites. If he thinks birthdays are childish, I don't see how it would upset the peace if he and his family aren't there. It's like Schrodinger's Birthday Party- not important enough for him to turn up to even though it's for his own child, yet simultaneously such a massive event his sisters must be invited to avert the outbreak of a family row.

It sounds as though he's trying to isolate you from your family.

you have a husband problem not an in-laws problem

No, I wouldn't invite people into my home who make me miserable, uncomfortable and have clearly shown they have no regard for me.

In your shoes, I would be looking to create a life away from DH too as going by your other posts he doesn't seem to bring anything good to your life. 💐

He sounds really horrible. I bet your sisters would organise a mean party if you left him.

Why are you with this hopeless man?

Just uninvite him. From the birthdays, and perhaps later from your and your children’s lives. If he doesn’t want to be in their lives you can’t make him after all.

As someone has already said OP I would invite them all. That way there is no arguing or fighting with DH and you have your sisters to speak to and spend time with and you can treat your SIL the way they treat you. Ignore them, roll your eyes at them when they speak, look them up and down when they arrive and feel confident knowing you have your family there for back up that love and support you.

Enjoy your youngest’s birthday knowing everyone is there so you have kept the peace, everyone is invited and deal with the issue another day.

It is not just a husband problem though is it?

I know how much influence family can have and they have the power to ruin your life, and your husband runs with them in case they ruin his.

You need to sit down and talk to him and ask how it all can be resolved. If he won't discuss it then you do have some power here albeit not much but at the end of the day you can walk away.
My husband's family were like this with me. I did not have to put up with them.
And neither do you OP

I couldn’t stay married to somebody who sided with his toxic family over his wife and children. They all sound awful, including your husband.

The kids don’t notice funnily enough, they’ve never said anything.

The fact that they've never said anything doesn't mean they haven't noticed.

OP what do you think of the numerous comments from people telling you to leave your DH? Does it resonate with your reality? This isn't going to get better on its own.

Oh they notice. They notice more than you think, and it’ll stick with them as they become adults. They’ll remember how Daddy wanted nothing to do with them, and how Mummy just let it all happen.

For the sake of your children, leave

I don’t think it’s resonating at all.

Is he the only son?

Do you work OP, is it an option to leave and would you want to?

I think it’s your marriage not your SIL you need to worry about, it sounds pretty awful.

this fight with DH will never end. It’s been 4 years since I saw his sisters but they are very active in our lives as we fight about them

So why do you need to suddenly see them now if its been 4 years since you saw them? Don't invite them to the party, if your husband doesn't show up then that's his problem. You definitely have a husband problem though, he sounds horrible.

What a mess.

Also by SILs’ reasonings their parents were unhappy they were not boys. And they’re perpetuating that. Beyond fucked up!

This really, really isn't about your relationship with your SsiL, it's all about your relationship with your husband. He and his whole family sound like a bunch of utter cunts.

Have you ever thought about leaving? I know it's easier said than done, but why settle for this miserable existence for you and your children?

one of the saddest things ive read on here. what do children think of their dad?

Is leaving him an option?

He's the problem

So if you don't invite his sisters he won't go either?

Sounds like a win win!

Hope you manage to get away from him.

Would your family help/support you to do this?

You have a husband problem OP not a SIL problem. Your arguments about the SIL with him are just a deflection from the fact that he has mentally left this marriage and perhaps the only thing keeping him there is culture pressure.

See a lawyer. You deserve better and your kids deserve more from a father who can’t even be bothered to organise his child’s birthday when the mother is depressed. Awful.

You say "yes of course they can come, when have you arranged it for?"

Your worthless excuse for a husband is your problem. Your SILs behavior toward you is just a symptom.