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AIBU?

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Original poster

I hate my SIL’s and this makes DH angry

81 replies

inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:03

Most recent fight - I don’t want to invite his sisters to our youngest upcoming birthday, he does. I want my sisters there he doesn’t.

I know in ideal world it would be “fair” option to take I.e. they both come but I can’t have that for reasons below:

  1. they have treated me appallingly - when my eldest daughter was born they made so many sexist comments (we’re Indians so in their mentality everyone wants boys), DH didn’t back me. MIL said her daughters would never say that and I’m making up stories! DH was present during both conversations and didn’t back me
  2. they wrecked her first birthday by not speaking to me and embarrassing me infront of guests when I tried to introduce them to my friends. They are btw 14 years and 10 years older than me.
  3. they have zero effort with me or my kids even though they live 10 minutes and 25 mins away.
  4. I have never been invited to their home in the 10 years of marriage
  5. when we met up during the early days at MIL home both sisters would roll their eyes at anything I said. Absolutely anything,
  6. Every wedding, every party they have made it clear they don’t want me on their table and laughed and looked at me up and down everytime I dressed up. Making me feel very self conscious.

on the other hand my siblings have celebrated both my daughters, came over with gifts. Have made DH feel part of the family and remember his birthdays and send a message every year. Make so much effort with my firms and buy them stuff and call them on a weekly basis even though they all live many hours away.

this fight with DH will never end. It’s been 4 years since I saw his sisters but they are very active in our lives as we fight about them.

OP posts:
Original poster
inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:40

His response is if I invite his sisters then he would definitely come. The kids don’t notice funnily enough, they’ve never said anything. Eldest is 9 now

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 01/10/2023 11:40

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 01/10/2023 11:31

Honestly @inARut243 you can do so much better than this man. Based on your last update, his lack of support over this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. You really should reconsider this relationship, you deserve so much more.

Absolutely this. He sounds awful.

AgnesX · 01/10/2023 11:43

Easy, it's your child's birthday, don't invite anyone except children. Everybody else delivers the children and leaves.

As for your husband he sounds like a prick although I do feel for him a bit..... chasing after a family who don't appear to give a shit about his family must nip.

DynamicK · 01/10/2023 11:45

Don't invite his sisters. Tell him if he doesn't care about his own family and prioritises his sisters, then he may be better off going to live with them.
Have a lovely party with your dc and family.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 01/10/2023 11:46

It doesn't sound like you get anything positive from DH or the marriage? Time to seriously consider your options.

As for the party...Only invite the people you want to host.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 01/10/2023 11:46

I'd be ditching the husband.

No way would people who treated me like that or my children like that be welcome in my home. No way.

Olika · 01/10/2023 11:49

DynamicK · 01/10/2023 11:45

Don't invite his sisters. Tell him if he doesn't care about his own family and prioritises his sisters, then he may be better off going to live with them.
Have a lovely party with your dc and family.

This.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/10/2023 11:52

Ugh, your husband, and his family, sound like cunts.

Can you leave him?

Gcsunnyside23 · 01/10/2023 11:54

I'd ask him why he cares about his sisters getting invited when he doesn't even turn up. If he can't even turn up for his kids then I sure as hell wouldn't be facilitating him seeing his sisters. Ask him why he would only come if they do? Does he only care about them? If they do get invited then completely ignore them the whole time

Shelby2010 · 01/10/2023 11:58

Just organise the party you want, don’t discuss it with him. Invite your sisters. If he doesn’t turn up then he won’t even know.

fettuccini · 01/10/2023 12:00

inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:16

Would anyone be inviting them considering everything they have done just to keep the peace?

No. I wouldn't even invite the 'D'H.

cafenoirbiscuit · 01/10/2023 12:05

He sounds like such a prize 🙄
is he likely to change?

tkwal · 01/10/2023 12:05

Make the party about your daughter. Let her make the guest list. Have a separate celebration lunch with your daughter and your sisters. Then think about how you want to live the rest of your life. His family obviously are disdainful towards you, treat you and your family disgracefully . Are you really going to waste your precious life time on them and your spineless husband ? Cultural reasons or not, you and your daughter deserve better. Be strong. Best wishes 💐

NalafromtheLionKing · 01/10/2023 12:08

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 01/10/2023 11:31

Honestly @inARut243 you can do so much better than this man. Based on your last update, his lack of support over this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. You really should reconsider this relationship, you deserve so much more.

I actually wonder whether the OP’s depression is connected with being married to this man.

It sounds like the husband CBA to turn up anyway so I wouldn’t mention it again to him and would just go ahead with my sisters and friends.

Also it isn’t worth giving headspace to these women and arguing about them when you haven’t even seen them for years! Just be very vague and change the subject if it ever comes up and continue to be NC with them.

RichardArmitagesWife · 01/10/2023 12:14

This isn't a SIL problem, it's a husband problem.

Are there any positives about him at all? He sounds horrible.

DynamicK · 01/10/2023 12:16

Your husband is a weak man.
I assume he chose to marry you yet doesn't seem to have conviction in that choice. He'd rather pander to his manipulative sisters like a puppy than stand up for his wife and kids.

jlpth · 01/10/2023 12:23

Well you could treat them as they treat you.

invite all sisters, yours and his

If you see one of his sisters on her own at the party, say I only invited you as dh wanted to, I didn’t want to invite you as you’re so rude to me. I don’t know why you came as you don’t care about my kids either.

And then if she tells anyone, do what that family has done to you and say she’s making up stories.

above all, stop seeking approval from nasty bitches. Treat them as they treat you.

Dahlietta · 01/10/2023 12:24

So if you don't invite his sisters, he won't come? That's easy then.

Conkersinautumn · 01/10/2023 12:26

Fuck them all. Organise a day out with your sisters and children at some sort of attraction they'll enjoy, do cake and make it into a birthday thing together. Leave him, and them out of it. After that consider carefully whether a man who sees no reason in celebrating his children deserves to be in their lives

Scaredycatttt · 01/10/2023 12:34

I wouldn't invite them, no. It sounds like you would have a much nicer time without any of them there, so if you don't invite them and your husband doesn't go then happy days. He sounds awful op. He doesn't even go to his own kids birthdays, wtf.

AlexandriasWindmill · 01/10/2023 12:38

You have a DH problem. I've always taken the approach that DH decides who he wants to invite from his family and I decide for mine. But I can only take that approach because DH has my back and is actively involved in DCs' birthdays, etc.
Like hell would I be inviting SILs that were mean to me in the hope it might entice DH to attend his DC's birthday.
Tell him he can host the SILs himself on a different day. Then see how much it really means to him - I'm guessing he suddenly won't care about seeing them if he has to plan and host.

BungleandGeorge · 01/10/2023 12:43

If you’ve not seen each other for 4 years by choice presumably the chance of them coming is low? What sort of party is it? I’d just have their friends at that age and organise a meet up with your sisters with a cake on a different day

Daffodilsandtuplips · 01/10/2023 12:44

inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:16

Would anyone be inviting them considering everything they have done just to keep the peace?

I would this once but I’d let DH know he’s taking care of them for the day. He wants them there so he’s in charge of them. But you won’t tolerate past behaviour.
You’re the host so act like one and table surf from guest to guest, having as little contact with the sisters as possible. However at the first rude remark, sarcastic comment, stop and look them square in the eyes and say “I didn’t hear that, could you repeat it loudly enough so we can all hear it please”.

JudgeJ · 01/10/2023 12:46

inARut243 · 01/10/2023 11:16

Would anyone be inviting them considering everything they have done just to keep the peace?

Maybe he thinks he also has valid reasons not to like your sisters, MN only ever gives one side of an argument. If you insist on not inviting his sisters then he should also have the same right!

Bex5490 · 01/10/2023 12:47

Well clearly your DH and his sisters have been raised in the same household! They all sound awful. If you leave him you won’t have to have any of them in your house…win win.

But in the meantime, I wouldn’t invite them and wouldn’t take any notice of DH’s opinion on it. If he isn’t supportive of your feelings then why should you be supportive of his? As you said, your kids won’t be particularly bothered if he’s there or not 🤷🏽‍♀️