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Original poster

For telling my friend to be careful with the language she uses around her daughter?

77 replies

Lolabear38 · 01/10/2023 04:37

A good friend I’ve known for 20+ years.
Friend has been recovering from anorexia for the last 10 years but has seemingly replaced the anorexia with obsessive exercise and counting macros - it’s all she can talk about and she will prioritise exercise over everything, going to the gym for hours a day. She also won’t eat certain foods if they’re over macros and is absolutely rigid about it.

Friend has 3 daughters - eldest one of whom will constantly be snacking or asking for snacks. I.e if there is a plate of biscuits she’ll eat until every one is gone, regardless of how many there are. She will ask for snacks when she can’t possibly still be hungry etc. Friend speaks to her in what I think is a really inappropriate way - e.g ‘you can’t still be hungry, you’re so greedy’, ‘put that cake down, you guts!’ And on one occasion ‘that’s not for you, put it down, fatty’. Her daughter is 7 and not overweight in the slightest though I would say she maybe has issues or potential issues with food. Friend doesn’t talk to her other two dd’s like this though from what I’ve seen they tend to be quite happy to have one biscuit/ snack then go off to play.

Anyway, the other day we were all out and went to get ice creams. All the kids had one but when it was her eldest’s turn to say what she wanted she asked for a double scoop ice cream and friend replied with ‘I might have known you’d be the one to ask for extra, of course one scoop wouldn’t be enough for you, greedy guts’. This was said quite unkindly. As we walked I said to her that I thought as parents of girls (and actually girls or boys, but as we are both girl parents this is the language I used) it’s really important to think about the language we use around our daughters and think about how it affects body image etc, and maybe think about how she speaks to her eldest when it comes to food rather than talking in a way which might make her feel ashamed or build a bad relationship around food or eating. Friend went absolutely crazy at me, telling me I was way out of line to talk to her like that, it’s up to her how she talks to her own kids (true) and she would never dream of having a go at me about how I raised my own kids. Since then we’ve not spoken at all, I sent a message saying I was sorry if she was upset by what I’d said and that wasn’t my intention. She’s ignored it. Was I out of line? To be honest, every time I hear her talk to her dd in that way it makes me wince a bit and feel so upset for her daughter, I can’t bring myself to say to her I didn’t mean it because I really did. What do you think?

OP posts:
Indoorcatmum · 01/10/2023 04:42

You did the right thing. She is being verbally abusive to her child.

She probably won't change, but at least you have acted with integrity and not just stood silently by.

I wouldn't have apologised, she needs the reality check.
Her daughter will despise her when she's older and will probably have food issues for life.

Anorexia is a terrible disease, but you have a responsibility and a parent not to put those issues onto your child.

Pepperama · 01/10/2023 04:59

You’ve clearly hit a nerve. Problem is that if she’s got such food issues herself then she’ll be in total denial. And it’s common with addictive disorders that people would rather cut off friends and family than be challenged about their problems

still think you did the right thing for the girl and hope the mum comes round in the end

HazelDean · 01/10/2023 05:07

You did the right thing, she was being abusive. Unfortunately you may have lost your friendship over it, but hopefully it gave her something to think about.

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 01/10/2023 05:10

‘Anorexia is a terrible disease, but you have a responsibility and a parent not to put those issues onto your child.’

I think this is why i’m so surprised she’s like it, she knows what it’s like and how hard she worked on her recovery (though I don’t think she has recovered really). I’ve struggled with whether to say anything to her before now but I was getting more and more uncomfortable every time it happened to be honest. Either way I think maybe the friendship is coming to an end which I’m really sad about - not to mention my worry for her dd.

OP posts:
Uggtrending · 01/10/2023 05:14

You did well OP. You put it mildly if your friend wants to be funny over this let her. You must be pretty laid back because I wouldn't of texted to apologise in fact I think I would of given her a few examples! Poor child!

Weatherwax13 · 01/10/2023 05:15

I would've spoken up too. My mother had an eating disorder (which I only realised in hindsight) and did an absolute number on me. I worked really hard not to repeat that pattern with my DDs. And they're both totally "body confident" young women. I would be horrified to have passed any of those issues down to them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2023 05:24

She hasnt recovered at all. She is eating but she is obsessed about burning all those calories off through her exercise regime.

I would say that you havent gone far enough. That family needs outside help.

I say this as a trying to recover middle aged anorexic.

Beefcurtains79 · 01/10/2023 05:26

She sounds pretty bad, however it was pretty rude of her daughter to ask for/expect a double scoop when everyone else had only singles.

MariaVT65 · 01/10/2023 05:31

You did the right thing.

I used to work as a bra fitter and it would absolutely infuriate me when mums brought in their young daughters and made comments about their weight to me, as I couldn’t say anything.

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 01/10/2023 05:48

Beefcurtains79 · 01/10/2023 05:26

She sounds pretty bad, however it was pretty rude of her daughter to ask for/expect a double scoop when everyone else had only singles.

Respectfully, I don’t think it was particularly rude to ask for a double (and she did ask, nowhere did I say she expected it). My daughter does this on occasion too if she fancies two different flavours of ice cream, I’ve never considered her rude for it. You also seem to have missed the point of the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolabear38 · 01/10/2023 05:50

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2023 05:24

She hasnt recovered at all. She is eating but she is obsessed about burning all those calories off through her exercise regime.

I would say that you havent gone far enough. That family needs outside help.

I say this as a trying to recover middle aged anorexic.

I was wondering if I should say something to her husband but I’m really not sure how well it would go down considering how my chat with her went 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Offcom · 01/10/2023 05:53

She must know on some level that you’re completely right! Poor daughter, I hope she knows that you said something

Beefcurtains79 · 01/10/2023 05:55

Lolabear38 · 01/10/2023 05:48

Respectfully, I don’t think it was particularly rude to ask for a double (and she did ask, nowhere did I say she expected it). My daughter does this on occasion too if she fancies two different flavours of ice cream, I’ve never considered her rude for it. You also seem to have missed the point of the thread.

Show quote history

Well that’s just a difference of opinion, isn’t it.
I haven’t missed the point of the thread, but to be honest, you seem a bit interfering. You’ve already said your piece, now you are going to go and speak to her husband about her?

Original poster
Lolabear38 · 01/10/2023 05:57

Beefcurtains79 · 01/10/2023 05:55

Well that’s just a difference of opinion, isn’t it.
I haven’t missed the point of the thread, but to be honest, you seem a bit interfering. You’ve already said your piece, now you are going to go and speak to her husband about her?

Show quote history

No, I’m not going to talk to her husband about it. I said I’d been wondering about it, not that I’m going to do it. Also, some things need interfering with and if you can’t see that this is an example of one that does then yes you have indeed missed the point.

OP posts:
dressedforcomfort · 01/10/2023 06:20

You are completely correct in what you said OP. But she won't see it or thank you for it.

For what it's worth, your friend doesn't sound remotely 'recovering'. It sounds like she's still in the full grip of that bastard disease.

Beefcurtains79 · 01/10/2023 06:20

Why so defensive? You did ask for opinions didn’t you?

Kaill · 01/10/2023 06:37

You’re describing some very unhealthy behaviours in the daughter. “if there is a plate of biscuits she’ll eat until every one is gone”. That is not normal, it’s greedy and disordered eating. The mother is right to correct this behaviour, otherwise the daughter is going to end up being fat and possibly diabetic.

I’m not anorexic but I teach my kids that we don’t eat sweets or biscuits before lunchtime, to curb their consumption. I also teach them that if there are several biscuits they can only choose one, they can’t have all of them. I would never permit them to eat a whole plate of biscuits or have two scoops of ice cream, it’s too much sugar. They can have treats but in limited amounts.

I agree your friend could choose better language to correct her daughter. But she does need correcting because greed and fatness are unpleasant.

Gemstar3 · 01/10/2023 06:59

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to mention it, but I do think it might have been taken better by her if you’d asked to meet up without kids and incorporated it into a wider conversation where you could gently say that you’ve noticed a couple of instances where you feel she is passing on unhealthy habits to her DD. Saying it in the moment probably felt to her like a criticism of her as a parent, rather than a concern about her daughter. She’s therefore more likely to see you as unreasonable and be upset/dismissive.

If she does agree to meet up again I’d try to frame it really carefully to to stress just that - that you’re sorry it came across as a criticism of her and you’re just concerned for her DD (and her - might give her space to open up about the exercise addiction).

PollyPut · 01/10/2023 07:10

I was always told to be careful what I said to my children.

You did well but it sounds like those children need your support. Would be good if you can rebuild the friendship and continue to see them.

Maybe you can just ignore it and just carry on as if it didn't happen; arrange to see them again as you would normally.

RedRobyn2021 · 01/10/2023 07:12

She should really know better.

You were right to say something.

YourNameGoesHere · 01/10/2023 07:23

dressedforcomfort · 01/10/2023 06:20

You are completely correct in what you said OP. But she won't see it or thank you for it.

For what it's worth, your friend doesn't sound remotely 'recovering'. It sounds like she's still in the full grip of that bastard disease.

I agree completely with this.

She doesn't sound like she's overcome her disordered eating at all and her comments are likely to already be impacting her children especially the eldest. I would be inclined to say something to her husband to be honest, with her attitudes and comments all 3 of her kids are very likely to end up with issues around food.

Backagain2 · 01/10/2023 07:26

Kaill · 01/10/2023 06:37

You’re describing some very unhealthy behaviours in the daughter. “if there is a plate of biscuits she’ll eat until every one is gone”. That is not normal, it’s greedy and disordered eating. The mother is right to correct this behaviour, otherwise the daughter is going to end up being fat and possibly diabetic.

I’m not anorexic but I teach my kids that we don’t eat sweets or biscuits before lunchtime, to curb their consumption. I also teach them that if there are several biscuits they can only choose one, they can’t have all of them. I would never permit them to eat a whole plate of biscuits or have two scoops of ice cream, it’s too much sugar. They can have treats but in limited amounts.

I agree your friend could choose better language to correct her daughter. But she does need correcting because greed and fatness are unpleasant.

Her daughter may well have issues with food and eating in moderation and the root of this needs to be looked at eg. Is she comfort eating? But you seem to be at the other extreme. A child should be able to eat more than one biscuit or one scoop of ice cream assuming they’re not having this with every meal or every day.

I find it bizarre to give a child a “ treat”of a biscuit but limit it to just one as a treat suggests it’s not done all the time your allowance could definitely be more generous.

Many kids are a bit OTT with sweets once they’re in front of them but don’t end up diabetic.

You could’ve just said being fat can lead to health problems, but I find your choice of words “fatness is unpleasant” a bit grim and hope you don’t say those words in front of your children.

LizzieSiddal · 01/10/2023 07:29

You did exactly the right thing
voicing your concerns, she is being absolutely horrible to her Dd.
I’m sorry she’s not speaking to you but I do hope what you’ve said has made her think about how she speaks to her DD and she will change. She obviously needs help for herself before she does irreversible damage to her poor Dd.

Backagain2 · 01/10/2023 07:30

YourNameGoesHere · 01/10/2023 07:23

I agree completely with this.

She doesn't sound like she's overcome her disordered eating at all and her comments are likely to already be impacting her children especially the eldest. I would be inclined to say something to her husband to be honest, with her attitudes and comments all 3 of her kids are very likely to end up with issues around food.

Show quote history

Agree with both of you, she’s merely disguising the eating disorder as a health drive now. You said she’s always on about macros…is she obsessed with anything else food related? It sounds a bit like Orthorexia

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/sep/26/orthorexia-eating-disorder-clean-eating-dsm-miracle-foods

I don’t think anyone is suggesting her kid should be eating whole packets of biscuits , but your friends motivation for limiting her child’s food intake seem more to do with her eating disorders and obsession with body image rather than a balanced approach to health hence why she’s so defensive about it and has resorted to insulting her child.

Orthorexia: when healthy eating turns against you | Health & wellbeing | The Guardian

Orthorexia is an obsession with only eating food the sufferer believes to be healthy. But while the condition can have damaging health implications, experts are divided over a diagnosis

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/sep/26/orthorexia-eating-disorder-clean-eating-dsm-miracle-foods

MrsRachelDanvers · 01/10/2023 07:30

You were right to mention her language but I never let my kids gorge on a whole plate of biscuits or have double servings compared to others. There’s nothing wrong with saying no you can’t have that. But she doesn’t need to say all the extra. There’s nothing wrong with restricting junk around children-if one of mine was wanting to hoover up all the sweets, I’d just tell them no you can have the same as your sibling. She may be trying to ensure her daughter doesn’t grow up unhealthy. But you were right to say calling her dd greedy guts isn’t the way to do it.