For telling my friend to be careful with the language she uses around her daughter?

[Lolabear38]

A good friend I’ve known for 20+ years.
Friend has been recovering from anorexia for the last 10 years but has seemingly replaced the anorexia with obsessive exercise and counting macros - it’s all she can talk about and she will prioritise exercise over everything, going to the gym for hours a day. She also won’t eat certain foods if they’re over macros and is absolutely rigid about it.

Friend has 3 daughters - eldest one of whom will constantly be snacking or asking for snacks. I.e if there is a plate of biscuits she’ll eat until every one is gone, regardless of how many there are. She will ask for snacks when she can’t possibly still be hungry etc. Friend speaks to her in what I think is a really inappropriate way - e.g ‘you can’t still be hungry, you’re so greedy’, ‘put that cake down, you guts!’ And on one occasion ‘that’s not for you, put it down, fatty’. Her daughter is 7 and not overweight in the slightest though I would say she maybe has issues or potential issues with food. Friend doesn’t talk to her other two dd’s like this though from what I’ve seen they tend to be quite happy to have one biscuit/ snack then go off to play.

Anyway, the other day we were all out and went to get ice creams. All the kids had one but when it was her eldest’s turn to say what she wanted she asked for a double scoop ice cream and friend replied with ‘I might have known you’d be the one to ask for extra, of course one scoop wouldn’t be enough for you, greedy guts’. This was said quite unkindly. As we walked I said to her that I thought as parents of girls (and actually girls or boys, but as we are both girl parents this is the language I used) it’s really important to think about the language we use around our daughters and think about how it affects body image etc, and maybe think about how she speaks to her eldest when it comes to food rather than talking in a way which might make her feel ashamed or build a bad relationship around food or eating. Friend went absolutely crazy at me, telling me I was way out of line to talk to her like that, it’s up to her how she talks to her own kids (true) and she would never dream of having a go at me about how I raised my own kids. Since then we’ve not spoken at all, I sent a message saying I was sorry if she was upset by what I’d said and that wasn’t my intention. She’s ignored it. Was I out of line? To be honest, every time I hear her talk to her dd in that way it makes me wince a bit and feel so upset for her daughter, I can’t bring myself to say to her I didn’t mean it because I really did. What do you think?

This is what I suspect. OP contact social services

I think you did the right thing. I'm an ex anorexic and have a young child and I'm so so careful with how I am with food around DC. I am pretty much recovered thankfully, so have no anxieties around food, but I feel almost hyper aware of what an impact my behaviour can have on my child. I think we have done ok so far and we discuss healthy eating and exercise and bodies etc, and we all eat a range of food and eat quite a lot of treats too. I would feel so guilty if I projected my illness onto my child and I can't believe your friend behaves the way she does. I would have mentioned it as well - maybe after lashing out initially she'll think about it at least.

MIL is clearly anorexic/orthorexic. She is unhealthily thin and only eats "healthy foods" in tiny portions and exercises a lot. She is often hinting that overweight people are inferior and makes comments about other people's food etc. She has 3 kids and every single one has an eating disorder (often involving bingeing on "unhealthy" food as they were never allowed treats as kids) and it makes me very sad. She's not a bad person and loves her kids but she seems a bit blind to her behaviour around food and body image.