Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you get over having your heart broken?

121 replies

hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 20:57

So probably my own stupid fault.. I’ve fallen for someone who I can never be with..

we were both married.. he’s now separated.. I’m not and so understandably he will eventually want to meet some one who he can have a future with. I can’t bear the thought of losing him and what we have but how can I give him what he deserves without turning my life upside down? I’ve got to 40 and never had my heart broken but god this is like a fucking hammer blow :(
how on earth do I get through this? Or do I turn everything upside down for what I honestly believe is meant to be.. it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I’m at a real loss x

OP posts:
Swimorsink · 30/09/2023 21:13

why do you want to stay in your marriage? If you have such strong feelings for someone else you should probably consider the impact of that on your marriage and whether it is fair on your husband to continue with the marriage. Heartbreak is horrendous but it sounds like you need to look at why you fell for another man and address whatever issues brought you to that point.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/09/2023 21:15

I don’t think you ever fully get over proper heartbreak. It becomes part of you. Doesn’t mean you can’t love some else and be happy but you’re not the same person.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 21:20

No rational explanation.. not an unhappy marriage.. ups and downs but nothing major. We just met and instantly connected, chemistry and instinct and nothing in me wanted to fight against it

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/09/2023 21:23

What does he bring you that your marriage doesn't?

Swimorsink · 30/09/2023 21:23

Heartbreak is the most horrible feeling. I’m going through it at the moment too. It’s a grieving process so I think nothing really helps other than time, trying not to dwell on the ‘what ifs’ and keeping busy.

whatthebejesus · 30/09/2023 21:29

Heartbreak is awful. Fwiw @hiimtheproblem I had a similar set up to you but neither of us were married - both in LTR. My ex found out. In honesty, it made me realise that I didn't care as much as I should. He wanted to try and move past it but it didn't work out. I didn't want to give up my lover and so I ended it with the ex.

I didn't expect to go into a relationship with the OM - but I did tell him that unless he wanted us to be together then it would need to stop. It got really messy - he lied to me and said it was over with his partner. It wasn't. I couldn't take that and ended the whole thing. I loved him so so much and I was utterly heartbroken. It took me years to get over it. 12 years on im married with kids and I still think about him from time to time but for several years he was still at the front of my mind.

If you love him, and you've got the opportunity to be together then take it. Yes, you'll hurt your husband but he will be hurt knowing his wife is sleeping with someone else anyway. Put both of you in a position of strength for a better future. There's no point staying with someone who you don't love. Especially when you've found someone who you do.

RaisedByHedgehogs · 30/09/2023 21:31

I think you adapt, in time, to a new reality. That’s all.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/09/2023 21:35

hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 21:20

No rational explanation.. not an unhappy marriage.. ups and downs but nothing major. We just met and instantly connected, chemistry and instinct and nothing in me wanted to fight against it

For some reason, I've never heard anyone on MN in a happy relationship use the term "had our ups and downs". I don't know what it is about that phrase but now it always sets off a klaxon.

Viviennemary · 30/09/2023 21:38

Can't see why you are not prepared to give it a go in the new relationship.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 21:57

Thanks for the replies and the solidarity @Swimorsink
ive literally never felt like this before.. I feel sick at the thought of not having this man in my life..
i do love my husband; we have been together a long time and i hate the thought of hurting him but I’m already taking such a risk by being with this other man that I can’t help thinking I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t worth it.

It would be life changing if I left and god knows how we would sort house/kids/future but I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t want to go through the rest of my life wondering what if

OP posts:
Bryonny84 · 30/09/2023 22:04

If happiness shows up, give it a comfortable seat. You can suddenly realise that all this time you've only been waiting for the love of your life to show up. It's up to you what you do but life is too short. Make sure it's what both of you really want. Those you leave behind will get over it. It's not easy for anyone I know but don't live a lie.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 22:23

@SurprisedWithAHorse just a case of a long time together I guess.. young kids/tiredmess/job worries/money/covid/lockdown blah blah blah nothing out of the ordinary I don’t think

OP posts:
Swimorsink · 30/09/2023 22:26

I don’t know if you are actually having an affair with the other man but if you are then I think you probably owe it to your husband to either end the marriage or commit to working on it with him and put the other man in the past. My ex was seeing someone else and honestly it is the most awful thing to discover such a betrayal, it has made my heartbreak so much worse.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 22:32

I think the hardest thing is, if there were no kids involved I would just take a chance and leave, follow my heart although I know it would crush my husband at the end of the day I don’t want to be left wondering what might have been. But to change everything and potentially cause my kids such upheaval is something I can’t just do without being sure… would they be ok? God this is so hard. I always always put them first but what in 5, 10, 15 years time when they are living their independent lives what if regret not taking the chance? I know that probably sounds so selfish:(

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 30/09/2023 22:32

How old are your children?
Please think very heard about how this would impact them. If your marriage is unhappy then, fine, take steps to leave. Don’t do it to fall straight into a relationship with someone else. Your children may never forgive you or him.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 22:34

Junior school age x

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/09/2023 22:37

hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 22:23

@SurprisedWithAHorse just a case of a long time together I guess.. young kids/tiredmess/job worries/money/covid/lockdown blah blah blah nothing out of the ordinary I don’t think

So this guy gives a sense of newness that hasn't been affected by everyday life?

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 22:41

Yeah I guess so.. from the first time we met there was chemistry, a connection.. it came so easily and felt so natural. I honestly wasn’t looking for anything or anyone but it was just so easy I didn’t/couldn’t fight against it

OP posts:
Jonti23 · 30/09/2023 22:45

This is so depressing somehow. You don’t know what you want and I pity anyone trying to be with you, as you are so torn and confused. Your ‘opportunity’ teaks of limerence and your kids are an afterthought as you’re actively deceitful both physically and emotionally.

People that do know what they want are far more attractive. Instead of lusting after this ‘separated’ saddo, who btw is so truly lying it’s obvious from space, do the right thing and follow through with the children that did not ask to be brought into this world. That’s if you give them any headspace because right now they are an afterthought and that’s terribly selfish.

PimpMyFridge · 30/09/2023 22:50

Fresh love feelings can be so powerful. But can be illusory too. It can feel incredible and still be a poor foundation for a long term future. Be very very careful what you wish for.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 22:55

It sounds like you still have either option to pick either man and you have all the power here what's the heatbreak?

Jonti23 · 30/09/2023 23:01

Da kids and comfy husband home vs da adventure and unfulfilled love, which may or may not be there. My bet’s on the latter.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 23:02

I guess it’s that if I do the right thing and stay with my family I lose someone who could potentially be the love of my life
and I don’t know how I would ever get over that

OP posts:
Clafoutie · 30/09/2023 23:02

Bryonny84 · 30/09/2023 22:04

If happiness shows up, give it a comfortable seat. You can suddenly realise that all this time you've only been waiting for the love of your life to show up. It's up to you what you do but life is too short. Make sure it's what both of you really want. Those you leave behind will get over it. It's not easy for anyone I know but don't live a lie.

Unfortunately I really don’t think life is as simple as this, it is not a platitude of the sort you might see written on a mug in a gift shop! There are a lot of other people’s feelings involved ( marriage and children) and hurt for people to ‘get over’. (This is not intended as a comment on the OP’s situation, which I think sounds very difficult and painful).

BadBadDecisions · 30/09/2023 23:02

Are you me?

I've been living this exact situation.

We're no longer in touch (well, we don't see each other as we both moved away) but we text a lot. Just chat, nothing weird.

But I'm broken. I can't describe it. It's like...he's somehow just forever lodged into who I am now. I don't think it's ever going away, the way I feel. Sometimes I just have to stop and double over and just breathe through the fucking pain of it, the longing for it. It feels desperate and awful.

So much about me changed while he was in my life. I'm a different person. And I can't seem to go back to who I was. I wish he had never happened, it took away my absolute contentment with the life I had before.

Swipe left for the next trending thread