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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you get over having your heart broken?

121 replies

hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 20:57

So probably my own stupid fault.. I’ve fallen for someone who I can never be with..

we were both married.. he’s now separated.. I’m not and so understandably he will eventually want to meet some one who he can have a future with. I can’t bear the thought of losing him and what we have but how can I give him what he deserves without turning my life upside down? I’ve got to 40 and never had my heart broken but god this is like a fucking hammer blow :(
how on earth do I get through this? Or do I turn everything upside down for what I honestly believe is meant to be.. it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I’m at a real loss x

OP posts:
BadBadDecisions · 01/10/2023 09:26

hiimtheproblem · 01/10/2023 09:16

Yeah I know the practicalities would be so difficult to sort out and I’m probably dreaming that I could figure something where everyone ends up happy.

no need for the buttering up @Jonti23 , been there, done that, he’s got me, I’m sleeping with him

something that did resonate from a pp is the hidden ness of it all.. I’m desperate to confide in someone, cry on someone’s shoulder. But of course no way can I do that irl. I feel really alone tbh

It is lonely. And would be lonelier if you went through with it.

But yeah, it's that thing of feeling lonely in bed with your partner or in a crowded room. That ragged isolation is not how brilliant love stories begin.

Jonti23 · 01/10/2023 10:49

no need for the buttering up @Jonti23 , been there, done that, he’s got me, I’m sleeping with him

OP wake up please. He’s going to give you more and more bullshit to keep this shit show on the road. He’s got to.

No time for crying now. Unless someone held a gun to your head when you were saying your vows and popping out kids from wanted pregnancies just sober up and smell the coffee. This is no heartbreak. He’s using you and playing you for a fool. And for some reason you seem to need it. That’s not love. Look in the mirror and ask what is the matter with me that I need this? Hormones? You will find the answer in you but first cut ties with this shithead it’s so bad it’s so transparent, it’s so The Script that he’s feeding you. Don’t be mislead like a younger sibling in a Jane Austin novel. Don’t elope. There is a big void emotional physical and financial waiting for you. No happiness.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 01/10/2023 11:05

He doesn’t need to @Jonti23 . He’s gonna go off and meet someone new and that’s what’s killing me.. I’ll be left back to my life without him, and im so scared I’ll never get over it

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 01/10/2023 11:10

I wouldn't class an affair love as "real", only because the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's just more grass. More of the same daily grind. Paying bills. Work. Your children would have to live in seperate homes. You haven't actually truly loved him in a natural state, only in an affair/emotional affair state which is completely different to how it would be had you been single.

OrangeBlossomPretty · 01/10/2023 11:11

hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 22:41

Yeah I guess so.. from the first time we met there was chemistry, a connection.. it came so easily and felt so natural. I honestly wasn’t looking for anything or anyone but it was just so easy I didn’t/couldn’t fight against it

So, it sounds like you shagged someone else.
You "love" your husband.
You have 2 kids together.
But you might just turn everyone's lives upside down because you fancy someone else.

You do know that the guy you had an affair with will become boring and every day eventually don't you op?

Your husband deserves better.

OrangeBlossomPretty · 01/10/2023 11:12

hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 23:02

I guess it’s that if I do the right thing and stay with my family I lose someone who could potentially be the love of my life
and I don’t know how I would ever get over that

There's not just one person you know. It's just pheromones.

Snowpaw · 01/10/2023 11:16

Has it occurred to you that he likes the rush of powerful emotions you bring to his life, without him having the drudgery of day to day chore responsibilities / any real commitment / childcare implications / financial discussions / housing etc?

He doesn’t want you to leave what you have perhaps because he just wants the excitement without real life commitment?

Morewineplease10 · 01/10/2023 11:24

@Bryonny84

'Those you leave get over it'

You sure about that? I can tell you otherwise. It's not a reason for someone to stay of course, but with glib statements like that you've got no idea!

Swimorsink · 01/10/2023 11:27

I think before you make a decision you need a very open conversation with him about what a future together might look like. Then you need to decide if if it is worth the risk of hurting those around you. If you decide to stay and not tell your husband about the affair you should probably try some therapy.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 01/10/2023 11:34

Yeah that’s fair swimorsink (and others). I know a big part of it is probably the newness and excitement, passion and rush. I know that all those things would eventually fade.

im just finding it so hard to think rationally when I’m in the midst of this whirlwind of feelings.

this is really harsh of me and I know it looks so bad on me but if I’m really honest if there were no kids involved I’d be halfway out the door already

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 01/10/2023 11:38

I can't tell you what to do but only my experience

It happened to me over 30 years ago. I - we- thought it was a holiday fling but it turned out not to be.

We lived in different countries and her cultural background would have made the whole thing extremely difficult. She sent me a postcard a couple of weeks later saying I fell more than a little bit in love with you. I felt the same but hadn't said anything because it would have disrupted both our lives.

Took me five years to completely get over it and if I had my time again would have tried my utmost to make it work.

Time heals things although I would love to see her again

strawberryjeans · 01/10/2023 11:58

Not judging your situation OP as my thoughts on that are irrelevant and it’s not what you asked

Heartbreak is something you will get beyond. It feels shit at the time it happens but you will move on. Surround yourself with people and make sure you eat enough, and drink enough water, and get lots of fresh air. It won’t occupy your thoughts as much as each day passes.

SheerLucks · 01/10/2023 13:48

...if I'm really honest if there were no kids involved I'd be halfway out the door already

But does he feel the same way OP?

That's what I'm finding strange about your posts.

Perthsmurf · 01/10/2023 13:57

OP, I’ve been in your husband’s position. I was with someone in love with someone else (no kids but we were established and I thought happy).

One thing that I couldn’t forgive, I really was angry about, was that he’d wasted MY time because “he didn’t want to hurt me” by just doing the decent thing and breaking it off. All while dragging it out until it all came out in a huge mess, he was stopping me from finding someone who did love me as I deserved. Of all the things, that’s what stays with me.

I’d reframe your thinking entirely here. You’re wasting your husband’s time and ultimately his life. Let him find someone who loves him, don’t let him waste his time with you when you don’t really love him.

This affair of yours may become more or it may fizzle out. But your husband deserves better.

Jonti23 · 01/10/2023 14:23

But OP can’t stop wasting her hubby’s time because right now she’s where she wants to be in an amazing position ‘wanted’ by both men.

I think OP’s hubby only semi wants her though, given the effort she’s putting in. And I think the MM does not actually want her at all and her excess baggage. But right now OP wants the attention of both. For reasons she really needs to dig deep and address.

To stop feeling confused OP you need to stop shagging him. Try that. You will find he disappears pretty quickly. But that component gives life to this complicated love triangle that you are craving right now. Ask yourself why you are attracted to complication over simplicity, that’s the other thing to address. And this bloke you crave ain’t no Romeo. He’s just good at keeping you fooled and wanting more. Please stay sane. This is just nuts and once you are out of it you can frame my posts. Have wisdom and lose the lust. It’s temporary and trivial.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 01/10/2023 14:25

I was in your exact position OP - nearly 17 years ago now - tried to end the affair several times but couldn't. Was obsessed, thought I was going mad.

We did end up together - only I had children who were junior school age like yours - we raised them together - their Dad remaining involved too - had some troubled teenage years but that could have happened anyway - kids are in their 20s now and have turned into fine, hard working, passionate young people who are close to us.

Ex- spouses both found new partners pretty quickly who they are still with. I think my ex found the love of his life - she's far more suited to him than me.

Was messy and distressing at the time but I still believe it was the right thing.
Good luck

Perthsmurf · 01/10/2023 14:27

@Jonti23 i suspect you’re right.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 01/10/2023 14:29

@SheerLucks i don’t know tbh .. we never got to that point because we were both married and so it was always just a “as and when” we could type thing. I think as pp said it would need an open and truthful conversation to work out what would a future together actually be like and would it have a good chance of working out. Right now I just can’t see past this feeling of losing him and it’s driving me mad.. I feel so detached from my family and home life and I feel like I can’t focus on anything at all

OP posts:
Highandlows · 01/10/2023 14:30

Even if you leave your husband your relationship is doomed as you both would always wonder if the other one is cheating.

You are right to be worry he would likely want to be with someone he did not have an affair with for a partner or wife. Unfortunately.

isthismylifenow · 01/10/2023 14:51

I assume your husband doesn't know OP.

How to get over heartbreak? Time. And changing your thought pattern about what could have been. It's the only way to help yourself. Stop giving him your head space.

You don't really know someone in 6 months. You have most likely been a distraction for him as well.

Sorry but there is no easy straight forward answer here. You have had an affair and someone in the mix is going to be hurting. If your DH doesn't know, I feel it's only right it's you that has to deal with consequences.

boscabosco · 01/10/2023 14:55

hiimtheproblem · 01/10/2023 14:29

@SheerLucks i don’t know tbh .. we never got to that point because we were both married and so it was always just a “as and when” we could type thing. I think as pp said it would need an open and truthful conversation to work out what would a future together actually be like and would it have a good chance of working out. Right now I just can’t see past this feeling of losing him and it’s driving me mad.. I feel so detached from my family and home life and I feel like I can’t focus on anything at all

It is all me, me, me, all about yourself and these dramatic declarations about the 'love of your life' It is quite sickening to read. Maybe trying thinking about how all this crap will affect other people - yes other people beyond yourself, you selfish thing.

Jonti23 · 01/10/2023 15:31

My hubby had an OW and she was sooo invested. Lunatic. He had no intention of leaving like most men do. All the talk is crap then trying to fix their own self esteem by having one on the side. Then the one on the side decides she’s eloping. It’s all nutty. Don’t be naive OP. You are just as special as all of us. A big average. Focus on yr kids and the best outcome. All these other emotions are one big no.2. Bs at best.

Clarich007 · 01/10/2023 15:37

Imagine if the OP was a man.He would get ripped to shreds !!
I think you are quite selfish actually.
Your poor husband and kids.
Do the decent thing.
How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and your husband was mooning over someone else.

OrangeBlossomPretty · 01/10/2023 16:10

hiimtheproblem · 01/10/2023 14:29

@SheerLucks i don’t know tbh .. we never got to that point because we were both married and so it was always just a “as and when” we could type thing. I think as pp said it would need an open and truthful conversation to work out what would a future together actually be like and would it have a good chance of working out. Right now I just can’t see past this feeling of losing him and it’s driving me mad.. I feel so detached from my family and home life and I feel like I can’t focus on anything at all

Because you've brought chaos into your life. You need to grow up.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 01/10/2023 16:23

You’re right, I am selfish, and if it came out I would be so sorry to have hurt my dh but right now I don’t really feel bad at all.. I feel so good when I’m with him that nothing else matters..

i just wish it could carry on as it is, just between the two of us.. it gives me life and I look forward to every time we meet with so much anticipation and excitement. God I need help don’t I. I don’t know why it is so hard to do the right thing and give him up. I feel amazing when we are together and like there is no one else in the world

OP posts: