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Original poster

How do you get over having your heart broken?

121 replies

hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 20:57

So probably my own stupid fault.. I’ve fallen for someone who I can never be with..

we were both married.. he’s now separated.. I’m not and so understandably he will eventually want to meet some one who he can have a future with. I can’t bear the thought of losing him and what we have but how can I give him what he deserves without turning my life upside down? I’ve got to 40 and never had my heart broken but god this is like a fucking hammer blow :(
how on earth do I get through this? Or do I turn everything upside down for what I honestly believe is meant to be.. it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I’m at a real loss x

OP posts:
Ihatepickingausername3 · 30/09/2023 23:07

OP it doesn’t sound like your marriage is that happy to me. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 30/09/2023 23:09

Oh @BadBadDecisions that is fucking rough. How come you decided to not be together?
I'm afraid I’ll never be quite the same again and the thought of him being with someone else breaks my heart but I could never ask him to just stay perpetually waiting for secret moments and snatched meetings with me.. I so want for him to be happy and have a wonderful future with someone who can give him everything

OP posts:
BadBadDecisions · 30/09/2023 23:22

Both married. We couldn't really talk about how we felt; he tried once or twice but I got scared and clammed up.

It's the right thing to do but my fucking god.

StorminanDcup · 30/09/2023 23:29

Of course you get over heartbreak. If we didn’t then the human race would die out quite quickly.
Most people don’t marry their first love, put it that way. And many, many people go on to have 2nd or even 3rd marriages and be very happy and very much in love multiple times over.

Of course it hurts in the moment but it doesn’t stay so acute. It will dim over time and then sort of fade away. Assuming you let it. If you continue to prod and poke and bring it out to the daylight then it won’t go away no.

For what it’s worth, this man is just another man. You may have a strong connection and chemistry but he is just another man like the rest, like the one you already have.

in your position I would work on my marriage, if you love your husband then give him the respect to try and move forward without comparison to the other man. If you find you can’t save the marriage then you leave and start afresh.

Jonti23 · 30/09/2023 23:56

Well that’s just truly melodramatic, and it makes you the victim. It’s actually quite the opposite. Your husband is a human being. You are treating him as someone without dignity. You are not the victim. You’ve got a good dose of limerence but that’s about it. You’ll live either way. Relationships all start heated up only to ALL head the same way. Families are forever. Everything else, which I am sure you will come to realise pretty quickly, is trivial and unworthy. You are taking your family for granted. That’s fine but there is a huge consequence to tearing it up over a little man who may or may not be separating. My bet is that he’s buttering you up. How else would he get you to invest into him and his pathetic little cause of undying love. Goodness no way would I expose my kids to the trauma that’s in store for them here. No man is worth it.

maddening · 01/10/2023 00:10

Have you actually had an affair?

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 01/10/2023 00:55

Forbidden love adds to the sense of the depth of your feelings. The highs are so high and the lows…maybe look into limerance.
Heartbreak is harder when it’s not publicly acknowledged, it’s exhausting to pretend to be ok when you are dying inside. However, no good can come off this and the collateral damage of a marriage break up is huge.

Give yourself time to put this man behind you. And it will take time. Remove him from the focus of your life. Then, when you have distance examine your marriage in isolation. Do you want your husband and family under one roof or do you want to go it alone. Because the most likely outcome of pursuing this man, is that you will end up single.

NeedToChangeName · 01/10/2023 01:01

I won't condone having an affair. I'm out

Freeme31 · 01/10/2023 01:06

Do you love/want him enough that you are willing to sacrifice being in your childrens lives only 50% of the time & them forever knowing he meant so much to you that you were willing to give them up to be with him. Try working on your marriage first - it's so difficult with young children- if it's meant to be he will wait

QueenBitch666 · 01/10/2023 01:31

You separate from your dh / dp and have an idyllic life with him

Life's too short for " what ifs "

roseheartfly · 01/10/2023 03:50

What about your children's hearts?

If this man is willing to cheat with you he will cheat on you.

I can't believe you are so ok with the betrayal you are inflicting on your own ' junior' school age family.

Silly and selfish.

If you aren't happy then leave but stop treating your husband and family like an option. They deserve better.

Alwayswildatheart · 01/10/2023 04:00

Would you really choose a man so lacking in integrity he cheats on his wife and has an affair over your children?

Look up limerence and infatuation. Your poor husband. The grass always looks greener, but it really isn't.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 01/10/2023 04:04

I'm amazed by the responses on this thread! It would have destroyed me to find out my mum had cheated on my dad, I honestly don't think I could have forgiven that. I think instead if worrying about your 'heartbreak' you should be worrying that this blokes wife doesn't find out who you are and tell your husband.

I don't understand how people live with the guilt of cheating.

madeinmanc · 01/10/2023 04:07

Oh God, not a limerance "diagnosis" 🙄

SheerLucks · 01/10/2023 04:41

I would be VERY cautious and please don't rush into any major decisions.

What's leapt out at me is that, crucially, you don't seem to mention anything about him pleading with you to leave your husband for him. Just that you've been having an affair and now he's split up with his wife.

Are you actually sure he's envisioning a future with you?

MrsToothyBitch · 01/10/2023 07:41

IME it's rare to end up with the person you leave with/for/because of. Seriously think on your feelings and the practicalities of actually ending your marriage. Regret and haste are worse than never knowing.

Best thing with heartbreak is to accept it's grief and a long haul process. Life will move on and get better and it will become a healed scar not a gaping wound but for it to heal properly you must look after yourself and proactively treat the wound . Honestly though, expect to grieve and for it not be linear, clear cut or make sense. The 5 stages may or may not all apply - and could be in any order. Just roll with how they hit like a boat does with waves on the ocean.

If it's really deep, don't let it take you over. It took me 7 years to reach anger in any real form and that was the thing that finally undid me, persuaded me I'd just been kidding myself and got me to deal with it . I was cross with something/someone else when suddenly this wound reopened and added to it. The other thing I could accept and it passed but I didn't feel better/resolution on the real grief until I eventually told a hypnotherapist - I had grief akin to ptsd and I was not dealing with it. I felt my feelings were wrong for years and was to embarrassed to say anything- precisely because they did feel like bereavement and I felt inappropriate and guilty. I wish I'd sorted myself out years sooner tbh.

YukoandHiro · 01/10/2023 08:06

To put it bluntly, it will damage your kids if you leave.

But so will having a mother who disconnects from their father for the rest of their marriage.

If you leave you need to accept YOU are responsible for the damage to your children. If you stay you need to commit to your DH and put everything into resolving your issues and not just moon over this other guy for the rest of your life.

How much do you know about this guy? How long have you known him? How much time have you spent with him?

Very often people leave their marriages for relationships that in the end fizzle out very quickly and then they've lost 50 per cent of their children's childhoods for nothing

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 01/10/2023 08:31

Thanks for the responses, kindness, reality checks.

I have been spending time with this man for the past 6 months.. and we have gotten very close in that time.

you’re right @SheerLucks he hasnt asked me to leave, he actually wouldn’t want me to throw away what I have for him. That s the thing, it’s me, I’m the one who is paralysed between wanting to be with him and not wanting to screw up my family. But I can’t have it both ways, i get that.

im just finding it almost impossible to be rational when all I can think is how much I would miss him not being in my life

OP posts:
BettyBoomer · 01/10/2023 08:38

When you’re with the OM, there’s no stress or money worries, kids interrupting, none of the stresses than you experience with your husband. So is what you feel for the OM actually real? Or is it partly escapism from the stresses of life?

Jonti23 · 01/10/2023 08:50

He hasn’t asked you to leave. Just as I thought. Buttering you up so he can bed you. The chase is fun for him. But the real you crying over the break up of yr family and young kids that are not his will not be fun at ALL. He will dump you and your dumped husband will not take you back and be all understanding about your broken heart.

I’m afraid it is all in your head and you will stew your life big time. Stop being naive and listening to this drippy guys bullshit ffs. Look at actions. They will say anything (that’s not true) to get laid. Anything. Write anything. You are a fool to believe it but then again every affair is much more emotional for a woman and they plan their exit. The guys it’s usually 100% physical and they are only having it with a married woman because you have complications on leaving. Unless you are heartless to your kids. He’s actually banking on the fact you will be torn and not psychopathic enough to leave kids. So because of this he’ll tell you what you need to believe to get you in bed. Nothing else to it apart from a whole lotta imagination from your side. Not mocking you but reality check before you proceed to fuck up your life and more importantly your children’s lives over this guys absolute bullshit. When it comes out he will blame you for everything and run.

Jonti23 · 01/10/2023 08:56

But the fantasy bit in your head telling you this is lovely is fun tbh. It’s bullshit and I hope you can see it now. Read any thread on here and the woman is always emotionally invested and looking for exit and the guys not. So, if you leave yr marriage don’t leave it because of him. Because you will find there will be nobody waiting for you at that side. 100%. Wishing that there is someone is utterly narcissistic. Why? Because it shows you need someone to see something special in you. What you need is to work out why the heck you need him to tell you that you are worthy. Nobody needs to tell me anything I know I’m good enough and I don’t forget my role of motherhood. Be a hero. Don’t be naive or needy of his compliments. Build your self esteem an kick this Romeo to the curb.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 01/10/2023 08:59

I went down a rabbit hole a little while ago on a Reddit thread for OW. They all sounded absolutely crazy, like they were on drugs. I have never heard anyone in a stable, loving, long-term relationship talk about their partner the way these women were talking about their MM. I am not joking when I say they sounded like addicts. The fix was everything. I'm sure not all OW get like this but it was obviously a common experience.

I can't say what your marriage is like, OP, but this kind of thing is completely unsustainable if you actually put it in the normal everyday.

SheerLucks · 01/10/2023 09:09

...he hasn't asked me to leave, he actually wouldn't want me to throw away what I have for him.

@Jonti23 put it rather more bluntly than me, but that sentence to me says he's gently telling you that, while his marriage hasn't worked out, he's not ready for a new relationship and, when he finally is, it's unlikely to be with you.

Stay with your DH. In six months you'll be thanking yourself.

Original poster
hiimtheproblem · 01/10/2023 09:16

Yeah I know the practicalities would be so difficult to sort out and I’m probably dreaming that I could figure something where everyone ends up happy.

no need for the buttering up @Jonti23 , been there, done that, he’s got me, I’m sleeping with him

something that did resonate from a pp is the hidden ness of it all.. I’m desperate to confide in someone, cry on someone’s shoulder. But of course no way can I do that irl. I feel really alone tbh

OP posts:
BadBadDecisions · 01/10/2023 09:24

SurprisedWithAHorse · 01/10/2023 08:59

I went down a rabbit hole a little while ago on a Reddit thread for OW. They all sounded absolutely crazy, like they were on drugs. I have never heard anyone in a stable, loving, long-term relationship talk about their partner the way these women were talking about their MM. I am not joking when I say they sounded like addicts. The fix was everything. I'm sure not all OW get like this but it was obviously a common experience.

I can't say what your marriage is like, OP, but this kind of thing is completely unsustainable if you actually put it in the normal everyday.

That's a bit how I feel. It came out of nowhere and seems utterly beyond my control. I feel like I've gone quite mad; before this I was the most stable normal reliably boring person you could meet.