How do you get over having your heart broken?

[hiimtheproblem]

So probably my own stupid fault.. I’ve fallen for someone who I can never be with..

we were both married.. he’s now separated.. I’m not and so understandably he will eventually want to meet some one who he can have a future with. I can’t bear the thought of losing him and what we have but how can I give him what he deserves without turning my life upside down? I’ve got to 40 and never had my heart broken but god this is like a fucking hammer blow :(
how on earth do I get through this? Or do I turn everything upside down for what I honestly believe is meant to be.. it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I’m at a real loss x

But the difference here is, OP didn't find herself in this situation. She made this situation. It was a choice.

You cannot compare these two situations.

Work on your marriage or leave.
This new man is not worth it.
You'll lose him the same way you found him. You're living a fantasy and need to wake up.

Agree and disagree @isthismylifenow but I don't want to derail.

Believe me if you'd asked me before I'd have answered differently but life throws major curveballs sometimes.

Why can't you act on it now, was there a time limit ?

By way of saying you wished you acted on it, does that mean leaving your marriage or sleeping with a guy.

You do know you can leave your marriage without there being a comfy landing.

Long term relationships get less exciting with time, it’s just facts.

did you ever have this type of chemistry with your husband?

if yes then I think you have to cut exciting new man out of your life because you’ll upend your life to be with him and over time the passion with fade and you’ll be left with his snoring and toenail clippings instead. If on then other hand this is genuinely something you’ve never had before then you deserve happiness and it might be worth giving it a whirl.

That's because it's universally known to be one of the most devastating things that can happen to you.

Only those causing the pain seem to be blissfully unaware of this.

The pain of being in love and having a choice of two people, one of which knows bugger all about what's going on is not pain, your pain comes from the cruelty you are inflicting at the expense of the idiot you promised not to lie to.

Why would people support others and promote selfish behaviour.

It would be like cheering on an abuser.

You really have no idea do you, if it's not bad enough knowing your spouse is sleeping with another taking away your agency, but to find out they have given their heart and fallen in love with another is a killer blow.

Gosh, your poor husband and your poor children. I don't think I've ever read such an overwhelmingly self-centred post on here before. You are 100% "me me me me me" and betraying them in the worst way a family can be betrayed without a thought to anyone except yourself. My sister's husband cheated on her and their two primary school aged children a few years ago, and it has done so much irreparable damage to their lives.

lol. I mean I’m not really laughing but have to give it to the likes of @Jonti23 who has given me the online equivalent of a good fucking slap.
it really wasn’t a thread about the morality of the situation as I’m well aware but that’s inevitable in such an emotive topic right.

I know it needs to come to an end but I am going to have a real battle to let him go. Like hell will I ever tell my husband. I’ll basically try to get over it in silence and wing it for the rest of my life. What could go wrong 😑

I met someone in work, left a ten year relationship and I've never been happier.

Were there kids involved?

lol. I mean I’m not really laughing but have to give it to the likes of @Jonti23 who has given me the online equivalent of a good fucking slap.

Lol, the flippant attitude of the pain you are seemingly oblivious to is astounding.

Just leave your h then, I'm sure everyone will get over it, except you if you let this adonis go.

I’ll basically try to get over it in silence and wing it for the rest of my life. What could go wrong 😑

In my experience, people who really, really don't want someone to know something don't find it hard not to tell them. They might be careless about clues, but they don't generally have to fight the urge not to say it.

Do you want him to find out?

Well Boohoo for you NOW grow the up ! Stop the poor you "heartbroken " it is all your own fault and nobody cares how you get over your broken heart. Total strangers are more concerned about your children/husbands/his wife than you are. Look your not a nice person end off go fix your own broken heart & stop hurting others in your life

@SurprisedWithAHorse no, I don’t. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him is my plan. So if I can get over it by myself then eventually get back to something like normal is what I’m going to do. Don’t know how people go on with not being able to talk to anyone about stuff like this but that’s what I deserve I guess.

maybe I’m not a nice person and you’re well in to judge that from the posts here but in very slight mitigation i didn’t ever set out to do this and I am actually astounded by how strong emotions can be and what they can make you do. My choice though I know that at the end of the day.

So you are actively removing your husband's agency in deciding whether he wants to be with a wife who a) cheats on him b)betrays their children and c) doesn't care that her actions will devastate him.

He is a human being, and this is disgusting. He is not alive to serve you in whatever picture of your life you imagine.

You didn't set out to do this? Every day you woke up and decided to pursue and continue your actions. Of course you set out to do this.

Wake up and take some responsibility for yourself.

You didn't set out to do this? Every day you woke up and decided to pursue and continue your actions. Of course you set out to do this.

Agree with @Didimum totally.

Limerence is self invited and the oh so ‘special’ OWs are a big mediocre average just like the wives. I mean OP herself is an average wife herself and lowering herself to holding onto some taken guy’s tit-bits and even a suggestion of a promise. Which as we all concluded ain’t there. And she’s worried he’ll go after another if she does not jump at this opportunity.

What’s needed here is some maturity.

@SurprisedWithAHorse yes, I have three children. It wasn't an affair. I just realised the relationship was dead. I had posted on here about it.

If you're still reading, @hiimtheproblem , think about doing the following:

If you're sleeping with your husband, stop.
Also stop sleeping with the OM for now.

Spend the next few days reflecting, and also gathering your business together wrt you having to suddenly leave the house in an emotional state. Passport, birth cert. bank bits, phone charger, whatever. Think of a place you could go. Friend, family, hotel ect.

Chose a time and talk to your husband and tell him the marriage is in trouble. Be as honest as you can ... If he wants you to move out there and then you'll have to agree. Prepare for him to be really angry and upset. You'll have to accept that with grace.

Don't move straight to some temporary bolt hole with the OM. You and your husband need to make decisions on your marriage.

I would tell OM what you're planning to do, because his reaction will tell you A LOT.

I would not tell the kids details obvs. Tell them something appropriate.

Although your world will fall down around your ears you will feel relief at being honest and doing the right thing. Plus you will probably find your feelings towards OM will change from being a fantasy thing to something based in reality. One way or the other.

The thing is you can't carry on as you are without destroying your own sense of self worth and going further and further down the path of treating your husband like shit. You need to make this situation real for what it is now - you have fucked your marriage up and you need to take the morally correct next steps.

After all this if the OM is still on the scene then you can make decisions there in the clarity of your new situation.

Be prepared to lose more than just your husband. Some friends and family will turn their back on you.

You are allowed to leave a marriage, but ditch the deceit from now on and let your husband have his say in what comes next.

.

Exactly. Once reality sets in, he might not seem like such a dream. OP, work on your marriage, and leave this other man behind. You owe it to your children, I think. I might feel differently if you had no children, or if your marriage were abusive or awful. But to up sticks and leave for some movie style fantasy would be immature and selfish, and your children would probably, and rightly, not forgive you.

I didn't like to say it, but actually you are right. I feel for OP's husband and children. A man who behaved like the OP would be absolutely ripped to shreds on here.