Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To say step son can't stay here?

85 replies

eq4yz8cmk · 30/09/2023 17:40

DH and I have been together for 14 years, he had split from dss mum a few years prior to that. He was a young child but he hated DH sitting near me and always wanted to spend time with just DH. We thought he would grow out of it but I never got too involved with them.

When our first DD was born (she's now 10) things got worse and he was resentful and didn't like DH holding her or playing with her. He ruined every day out so DH would often still spend time with just him. Then DD2 (now 5) was born and he stopped coming as often he was 15 but previously he was here every fortnight for a week.

He's now 20 and we haven't seen him much for over 2 years but what we have seen of him, he's the same. He doesn't interact with DD’s, is very blunt with me and he was disrespectful to DH whenever we saw him because DH didn't agree with his choices.

He started dating a woman and moved in with her at 18, I didn't get involved but neither DH nor his mum was happy as she was older and seemed manipulative and controlling. They've split up and he was living with his mum again until ex said he sexually assaulted her and now she's thrown him out and he's came here.

He's completely ignored DD’s even when they've tried talking to him. He came back here yesterday and we were sure he had taken drugs because he wasn't acting normal, or just drunk for that matter.

I don't want him living here, DH is usually supportive but is saying that he won't have anywhere to go etc.

I'd really appreciate any thoughts and advice

OP posts:

WeedyWeeds · 30/09/2023 17:44

Sorry who did he sexually assault? His mum or the controlling ex-gf?

No fucking way would I have a sexually abusive man near my children.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 30/09/2023 17:44

He’s a grown man who’s been accused of sexual assault. I wouldn’t want him around my young dds.

I'm all for treating step children as one of your own and had he integrated into the family and shown some care for his younger sisters (and not been accused of assault, his mum threw him out so she clearly thinks he is a capable of it) then I would be saying something very different. But no, he should go.

Coffeeandme · 30/09/2023 17:47

He sexually assaulted his DM?

Regardless if who he assaulted get him out of your home away from his two young sisters. How your DH thinks it’s acceptable for him to be around two minors, as well as his attitude, is not acceptable.

Tinkerbyebye · 30/09/2023 17:48

Ask your husband why he considers it acceptable to have someone who has sexually assaulted someone near his daughters.

it’s not acceptable and the stepson needs to leave

rainbowstardrops · 30/09/2023 17:52

Sorry, he's sexually assaulted someone? If that is actually the case then I wouldn't have him under my roof.
Can you elaborate on the situation?

Hermittrismegistus · 30/09/2023 17:55

His mother chucked him out because his ex accused him of sexual assault? I absolutely would not have him in my home with children there.

TrailingLoellia · 30/09/2023 17:56

The “older, manipulative and controlling” ex who had been with the DS since he was 18 is the one who has said he sexually assaulted her. I’d be taking that with a grain of salt.

I understand there may not be room for him in his dad’s home what with you being his new family, but perhaps it would be worthwhile seeing what the family budget looks like and if he can be helped in some way? Help towards rent? Helping him apply for UC? Any wider family that he could stay with for a couple weeks while looking for a flat share?

Young men are last on the priority list for emergency housing when homeless, so the council aren’t going to house him.

StillWantingADog · 30/09/2023 17:56

A. He’s an adult
b. He is accused of sexually assaulting a woman (not clear if it’s his mum or his ex)
c. Nothing you write suggests you need to make an effort with him. It would be different if he was a minor but he no longer is.

i wouldn’t allow him under my roof.

Original poster

eq4yz8cmk · 30/09/2023 17:56

His ex gf is saying he sexually assaulted her. He's denying it and told his mum and DH that she's saying it because he split up with her. DH sort of believes him because she was controlling but I think he just wants DSS to stay as we haven't seen him much in the past 2 years and I know he missed him and wanted to see him but DSS was ignoring everyone due to the relationship he was in

OP posts:

TrailingLoellia · 30/09/2023 17:59

eq4yz8cmk · 30/09/2023 17:56

Thats the first sign of a controlling and abusive relationship, isolate the victim from the family through manipulation. So the fact the DSS wasn’t in contact during the relationship further supports the initial assessment of your DH and the DM that this older woman is controlling and coercive. How much older is she?

TrailingLoellia · 30/09/2023 18:03

How long did the DS know this women before the relationship? I’m half wondering if the reduced visits at 15 coincide with a bit of grooming…

gamerchick · 30/09/2023 18:04

Problem is, if he has sexually assaulted his ex, he can't live there with vulnerable girls anyway. You need to speak to someone about safeguarding your kids.

If it's crap it'll come out in the wash but I couldn't ignore it.

ASCCM · 30/09/2023 18:08

All the nope. He needs to go. Step son / son / friend / stranger. All the nope.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/09/2023 18:09

I wouldn't have him in my house with girls that age it her and your DH needs to appreciate your pov.
Is he working? Why can't he go for a flat share or bedsit?

CakeInAJar · 30/09/2023 18:10

No way would I let a man who’s sexually assaulted someone within 50 feet on my daughters

Bex5490 · 30/09/2023 18:10

This is a really difficult situation because on the one hand, your DH is 50% responsible for the person that this young man has grown into. He was obviously hurt over the years by watching his dad move on with what he probably perceived to be the perfect family set up that he didn’t have anymore. Your DH has to take some accountability for the affect that his choices had on his son even if it wasn’t intentional.

But now he’s grown into someone that maybe unsafe for your family and children. I would want him to move out but I would definitely think that it is your and your husband’s responsibility to help him find somewhere to live, get help if he has drug problems and work through the issues that may have been caused by his relationship with his father.

You have to ask yourselves if he was in fact in an abusive or controlling relationship at such a young age with someone older, what was he looking for?

Bagpuss2022 · 30/09/2023 18:27

You need to be careful it could be malicious from the ex but even the fact he’s been accused is a huge safeguarding concern and you will find Social services will not want him in the home especially as he’s a adult.
your DH can support him by getting him a room share/flat and legal advice
good luck it’s not a nice situation your in

LifeExperience · 30/09/2023 18:30

He's an adult. He can arrange his own housing. Hard no from me.

Spacecowboys · 30/09/2023 18:31

He s 20, an adult. He needs told that if he wants to stay, he needs to lose the attitude and treat you all with respect. I wouldn’t tip toe around him at this point at all.
He hasn’t necessarily sexually assaulted anyone , he has been accused and whether there is any truth in that is very unclear, particularly from what you’ve said about his ex. What does your gut instinct tell you about the accusation?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2023 18:34

If DH is insisting he houses his adult son at any cost to his much younger DD’s and his wife he can take his son and fuck off. Dad guilt isn’t an excuse for such a ridiculous situation.

How long has he been at yours? Is he working? I wouldn’t have him there tonight, DH tells him to go or they both go.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/09/2023 18:52

Woah there campers.

The dss has been 'accused' of sexual assault, not 'found guilty' of sexual assault.

The dss could have been groomed by a much older woman as a 15 yo, falsely accused, and is now being kicked out by his parents. Reverse the sexes, and this kid needs support, if that is the case.

If he is guilty, then hell no to bring in the same house as your dds.

Are the police involved?

Boopeedoop · 30/09/2023 19:15

Do you have anywhere else you can stay with your girls while he is there? I don't think you or the girls will be safe.

Hairyfairy01 · 30/09/2023 19:18

No, don't do it OP, and that's regardless of the alleged sexual assault. He's 20 not 15. Your dh would be better off trying to support him in finding suitable accommodation and living independently. They can still have a close relationship like that. If he moves in when / why / how would he ever move out? And of course you have to consider your dd's in all of this, they need to be comfortable in their own home (as do you). It admirable that your dh wants to help him, and that's fine. But there are other ways when he is 20.

TheCatterall · 30/09/2023 19:21

Regardless of the alleged assault - he ignores you and your daughters in your own home. He’s taking substances to the point he’s ‘out of it’. .. what if he’s being drugs into your home and your daughters find edibles and tablets lying around? I would have ground rules and boundaries agreed with DH and then his son. If SS can’t agree to reasonable behaviour boundaries he can find somewhere else. Is he working?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 30/09/2023 19:23