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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say step son can't stay here?

85 replies

eq4yz8cmk · 30/09/2023 17:40

DH and I have been together for 14 years, he had split from dss mum a few years prior to that. He was a young child but he hated DH sitting near me and always wanted to spend time with just DH. We thought he would grow out of it but I never got too involved with them.

When our first DD was born (she's now 10) things got worse and he was resentful and didn't like DH holding her or playing with her. He ruined every day out so DH would often still spend time with just him. Then DD2 (now 5) was born and he stopped coming as often he was 15 but previously he was here every fortnight for a week.

He's now 20 and we haven't seen him much for over 2 years but what we have seen of him, he's the same. He doesn't interact with DD’s, is very blunt with me and he was disrespectful to DH whenever we saw him because DH didn't agree with his choices.

He started dating a woman and moved in with her at 18, I didn't get involved but neither DH nor his mum was happy as she was older and seemed manipulative and controlling. They've split up and he was living with his mum again until ex said he sexually assaulted her and now she's thrown him out and he's came here.

He's completely ignored DD’s even when they've tried talking to him. He came back here yesterday and we were sure he had taken drugs because he wasn't acting normal, or just drunk for that matter.

I don't want him living here, DH is usually supportive but is saying that he won't have anywhere to go etc.

I'd really appreciate any thoughts and advice

OP posts:
Original poster
eq4yz8cmk · 30/09/2023 21:03

He knew her about 2 years before he moved in with her. She's 6 years older, which I know isn't a big gap but at 18 and 24 it is. He doesn't work as he was working with a family member of hers.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 30/09/2023 21:09

How would you feel if you found out his ex was abusive and made it all up? It sounds to me like he needs help support and love.
Maybe try speaking to him and stop trying to push him out.

Spambod · 30/09/2023 21:15

He is very unpleasant to you and your dds. You have virtually no relationship with him. He has no job. His mum has kicked him out. He takes drugs. He has been accused of sexual assault that you have no information about. Ffs sake no. Put yourself and your dds first. Why do women continually budge up for needy useless men.

beAsensible1 · 30/09/2023 21:22

So she’s known since he was 16 if he moved in at 18?

so a 22 y/o sniffing around a teen boy?

coolkatt · 30/09/2023 21:50

get down to the council and get him registered as homeless. he has shown no regard for your home or u growing up and he is now a man not a child. he need a short sharp boot up the arse x

Original poster
eq4yz8cmk · 30/09/2023 22:42

DH doesn't want to make DSS homeless as he doesn't believe that he has sexually assaulted his ex and he hasn't done anything’wrong’ whilst being here. He said he was probably on drugs but we have no proof of it but he wasn't violent or anything, he was just not making any sense. He's been here since Thursday.

OP posts:
Hairyfairy01 · 30/09/2023 23:57

And how has he been since Thursday OP? As in how has he interacted with you, your dd's, household tasks etc?

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 08:35

eq4yz8cmk · 30/09/2023 21:03

He knew her about 2 years before he moved in with her. She's 6 years older, which I know isn't a big gap but at 18 and 24 it is. He doesn't work as he was working with a family member of hers.

So is 16 and 22… so this 22 yr old woman groomed a 16yr old boy until he moved in with her at 18. Now he is 20 and trying to leave.

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 08:41

eq4yz8cmk · 30/09/2023 22:42

DH doesn't want to make DSS homeless as he doesn't believe that he has sexually assaulted his ex and he hasn't done anything’wrong’ whilst being here. He said he was probably on drugs but we have no proof of it but he wasn't violent or anything, he was just not making any sense. He's been here since Thursday.

How has he been since Thursday? I agree he can’t live.with you, but I don’t agree with just making him homeless as that is what his abuser wants so he will go back to her. Over next week or so can you help him find a flat share?

Alternatively, Women’s Aid does run a few shelters for men escaping from coercive/controlling relationships as it is a type of DV. It includes free rail fare to a shelter.
https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/emergency-housing/

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 08:44

He doesn't work as he was working with a family member of hers.

Hang on, was he paid a wage for this work?

Tumbler2121 · 01/10/2023 08:45

Don't have someone in your home who dislikes you and treats your daughters badly.

If your husband thinks there is a responsibility for his living accommodation, pay the deposit/first months rent on a houseshare, In fact, even if you don't have the money, find it! and get him signed up with UC or whatever to get it paid in future..

Then your husband can perhaps get a relationship with that doesn't ruin your relationship and home life.

SmokedCheese · 01/10/2023 08:51

Can you take the girls to a relatives house and stay there? It would be me or him.

you could also speak to the nspcc and ask for advice

FridaySpark · 01/10/2023 09:18

At 16, it seems he was groomed by a 22 year old that he moved in with at 18. What did mum and sad do at this time? He had a relationship with this older woman starting when he was a child and didn't see his family much in this time.

This woman was manipulative and controlling and since they've split up, this woman has said he sexually assaulted her. Usually I would believe any woman, but as she groomed a 16 year old and had a relationship with him soon after, and she appears to have been controlling and manipulate, I'd be suspicious of her claims. She certainly took advantage of a child at the beginning, she's hardly a good person.

He was clearly struggling for years before this with his parents split, dad having a new partner and other children.

Due to the assault claims and his drinking, possible drug taking, I don't think he can be in your home with children, but I do think he should be supported. I would want to get to the bottom of the assault claims.

Does his mum have younger children in her home? If not, can his dad talk to her and see if she would change her mind about him staying. If not, can his parents help him get set up with somewhere to live. They then need to both try to sort out this mess with him. He was a child feeling left out and it's spiralled from there. I don't think you can say he's an adult now so tough when all this happened due to things in his childhood not too long ago.

gotomomo · 01/10/2023 09:33

I think your dh needs to sit him down and set out clear conditions for him temporarily staying including him being friendly and communicative with his half siblings respectful of you, no drugs or coming home drunk. No way could I see my step kids on the street whatever the past but he is old enough to understand that he needs to tow the line or he's out

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/10/2023 09:36

Safeguarding daughters and yourself comes first . Is he on bail for SA ?

Original poster
eq4yz8cmk · 01/10/2023 11:08

Since Thursday he hasn't been interacting with DD’s, even when they've been talking to him. He's been very blunt with me and when he was trying to get passed he said “move”, DH wasn't around when he said that. And as I said in my OP he came back here and we suspect he had taken drugs.

OP posts:
TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 12:35

eq4yz8cmk · 01/10/2023 11:08

Since Thursday he hasn't been interacting with DD’s, even when they've been talking to him. He's been very blunt with me and when he was trying to get passed he said “move”, DH wasn't around when he said that. And as I said in my OP he came back here and we suspect he had taken drugs.

He sounds very closed off. It could be dissociation or drugs.
Can his dad sit with him and try and get to the bottom of things? See if he will open up about what has been going on?

caringcarer · 01/10/2023 12:40

Does the DS's work? Could your DH give him a deposit for a room in a HMO and pay his first month's rent? Then I'd tell him he can come over for a meal or to spend time with your DH but he won't be living with you due to his rudeness towards you and his step siblings.

Bluebellsbells · 01/10/2023 13:12

Kick him out, just bring in drugs is enough but with everything else it's absolutely not on. You can find him a hostel, help him find a job, help him become an adult but none of it has to happen under your roof. As for your husband he shouldn't be calling the shots if one person is unhappy then it doesn't happen until both agree.

Vistada · 01/10/2023 13:36

@CakeInAJar

I must have missed the bit where his guilt was proven in a court of law.

Or does it just take an accusation to seal fate these days?

Fucking hell.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:42

YABU

He is your DHs son, just as important to him as your daughters - you don’t seem to get that

also if the woman accusing him of sexual assault is the woman who abused him and he recently split with i’d not be believing it at all.

Ghostgirl77 · 01/10/2023 13:42

The ex is controlling? Or the stepson manipulated your perception of her to hide the fact that he was abusive?

I don’t know which is true but it’s a common tactic of abusers to paint their victims as being the abusive one.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:43

@Ghostgirl77

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:43

@Ghostgirl77 he was a child and the woman an adult

give your head a wobble

viques · 01/10/2023 13:47

Your DH needs to take him aside and have the talk.

in your house everyone is treated with respect.

in your house no one takes drugs.

in your house everyone pulls their weight in terms of household maintenance and financial contribution.

in your house everyone has a job.