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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say step son can't stay here?

85 replies

eq4yz8cmk · 30/09/2023 17:40

DH and I have been together for 14 years, he had split from dss mum a few years prior to that. He was a young child but he hated DH sitting near me and always wanted to spend time with just DH. We thought he would grow out of it but I never got too involved with them.

When our first DD was born (she's now 10) things got worse and he was resentful and didn't like DH holding her or playing with her. He ruined every day out so DH would often still spend time with just him. Then DD2 (now 5) was born and he stopped coming as often he was 15 but previously he was here every fortnight for a week.

He's now 20 and we haven't seen him much for over 2 years but what we have seen of him, he's the same. He doesn't interact with DD’s, is very blunt with me and he was disrespectful to DH whenever we saw him because DH didn't agree with his choices.

He started dating a woman and moved in with her at 18, I didn't get involved but neither DH nor his mum was happy as she was older and seemed manipulative and controlling. They've split up and he was living with his mum again until ex said he sexually assaulted her and now she's thrown him out and he's came here.

He's completely ignored DD’s even when they've tried talking to him. He came back here yesterday and we were sure he had taken drugs because he wasn't acting normal, or just drunk for that matter.

I don't want him living here, DH is usually supportive but is saying that he won't have anywhere to go etc.

I'd really appreciate any thoughts and advice

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 01/10/2023 13:51

Putting the alleged assault aside. Your husband expects you to live with a grown man who doesn’t work, ignores his siblings, is rude to his step mother and you’re just meant to put up and shut up because he’s his son?
Fuck that absolute shit. I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms that he pays rent and is polite and civil to the people he is living with. If he said ‘move’ to me I’d absolutely blow my top at him. He either leaves or both you and your DH sit him down and tell him what is acceptable and what isn’t. Because at the minute he is a vile excuse for a human that even his own mother doesn’t want in her home. If that doesn’t say something I don’t know what does

cheezncrackers · 01/10/2023 13:51

Thing is OP - we can all affirm to you that he's 20 and he should move out and get his own place - but what good is that going to do you if your DH (his father) doesn't agree?

Your SS is an adult and whatever has happened over the past two years with this older woman, he should be getting a job and working towards supporting himself asap. Living with his DM and now with you is not really on if he's not studying or working.

So while it may be hard to get your DH to agree to get him to move out straight away, it would be entirely reasonable for your DH to help him to find a job and for your SS to then work towards becoming financially self-supporting.

Original poster
eq4yz8cmk · 01/10/2023 14:02

I think he was being paid but his ex had his card when he left so I'm not sure if he saw any of the money. He did cancel it and has a new one now. He wasn't arrested and there hasn't been any police involvement. We first heard about it on Thursday when he came here and told us his mum had kicked him out.

He said that his mum mentioned about him not going to work and he said that his ex accused him of sexual assault so he no longer can work with that family member.

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 01/10/2023 14:03

No ya absolutely nbu.

Even without the sa allegation and the rudeness to his half-sisters, anyone telling me to "move" in my own home, would be out the fucking door before I could say "where to?"

Also if he's taking drugs, he presents a clear danger to your dd's. He could leave stuff around.

You need to have a very serious talk with your DH about exactly what the parameters are of the SS staying with you. The first one being, if he takes any drugs, he's out. The second one, if he doesn't treat you with the respect you're entitled to get in your own home, he's out. The third one, if he doesn't role model polite, decent behaviour to your children, he's out. If your DH sees any problem with any of these 3 very reasonable red lines, you need to make a decision about how much shit you're going to put up with because there's going to be a lot of it.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 14:05

@eq4yz8cmk so he was financially abused too?

Ask yourself if your eldest at 16 was groomed by a 22 year old, moved in at 18 then found the strength to leave a couple of years later, would you kick her out on the streets, make her homeless because she was rude to her sister and potentially took drugs once?

Any parent who has the right to call themselves a parent wouldn’t kick their child out under these circumstances

forrestgreen · 01/10/2023 14:09

Talk with Dh to establish basic house rules.
Say please and thankyou, hello and goodbye. If you can't manage those with good grace then you're not welcome.

If I believe someone at my home was on drugs there'd be hard conversations. I don't need proof, it's my home.

LorraineBainMcFly · 01/10/2023 14:14

Why did she have his bank card, did she always have it?

ScreamingBeans · 01/10/2023 14:17

would you kick her out on the streets, make her homeless because she was rude to her sister and potentially took drugs once?

You're minimising this behaviour. And you missed out the bit where he thinks he can treat the OP like shit in her own home. That's non-negotiable, no-one should have to put up with shitty behaviour like that in their own home. If you're an adult, you are responsible for your own behaviour and the fact that he may have come through an abusive relationship with one woman, does not give him the right to behave abusively to another woman, his stepmother. This young man needs very clear boundaries if he is to be able to stay in this household.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 14:24

@ScreamingBeans then she can leave

what she can’t do is expect her husband to make his own child homeless.

Being rude to someone isn’t abusive either. I’d not be nice to a creature who wanted to kick me out on the streets either.

ScreamingBeans · 01/10/2023 15:12

what she can’t do is expect her husband to make his own child homeless. If he presents a danger to his other children and he's an adult while they are kids, then yes, she can.

I’d not be nice to a creature who wanted to kick me out on the streets either. I wonder if he's contemplated that one of the reasons a "creature" might want to kick him out is his behaviour. Again, you're minimising. He isn't just being not "nice" he's being aggressive and threatening and that is abusive.

I'm not advocating that this young man gets kicked out as a first port of call. But that has got to be the nuclear option if he fails to abide by reasonable boundaries. There cannot be a rule that says because he's been through shit and is her DH's son, he gets a free pass to behave exactly as he likes.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 15:20

@ScreamingBeans he isn’t being aggressive or abusive

he is being rude

not the same thing

And it doesn’t matter if he presents a risk to the DDs. She can’t force her husband to make his son homeless. That’s a basic fact unfortunately

if she is so concerned she can leave with the children to keep them ‘safe’

Original poster
eq4yz8cmk · 01/10/2023 16:10

I'm not sure if she always had his card.

DH or his mum didn't know about her until DSS was 18, he told them that he'd known her for 2 years but didn't say how they met or anything. They firstly didn't like the relationship due to the age gap but then they didn't because she ws showing signs of being manipulative and controlling.

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 01/10/2023 16:19

If you don't think telling someone to "move" in their own home is aggressive, then I'm glad I don't know you.

if she is so concerned she can leave with the children to keep them ‘safe’

Really? There's no obligation on this young man to behave like a decent person in someone else's home?

Interesting take. 🙄

JMSA · 01/10/2023 16:34

Did anyone at any point ever arrange therapy for him? He is clearly damaged.
I certainly wouldn't be presuming guilt though. No wonder suicide in young men is where it is.

JMSA · 01/10/2023 16:35

And I'd be very, very interested to hear his take on things.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 16:50

@ScreamingBeans it's not aggressive

rude? Yes

aggressive? No

CakeInAJar · 01/10/2023 16:59

Vistada · 01/10/2023 13:36

@CakeInAJar

I must have missed the bit where his guilt was proven in a court of law.

Or does it just take an accusation to seal fate these days?

Fucking hell.

Anyone who has the tiniest iota of safety regarding their daughters would say an accusation is enough to worry and keep him away.

Also only 1% of sex offences end in a conviction. Doesn’t mean the other 99% are innocent

DelphiniumBlue · 01/10/2023 17:05

What does his mum say? Does her version of events tally with his? It sounds like a lot of excuses, tbh.

Sn1859 · 01/10/2023 17:58

Kick him out. If you DH thinks he should stay, kick them both out and let them live together. Sounds like you’ve put up with hell for long enough. The DSS is an adult regardless of any horrendous crimes he may (or may not) have committed.

ScreamingBeans · 01/10/2023 18:13

@Fabshab if anyone spoke to me like that in my home, I would most certainly perceive it as aggressive. It's several notches up from rude.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 18:25

@ScreamingBeans then you’d need to get a grip

ScreamingBeans · 01/10/2023 18:34

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 18:25

@ScreamingBeans then you’d need to get a grip

No Fabshab I wouldn't. Given what you've posted I suspect it's you that needs to get a grip.

IncomingTraffic · 01/10/2023 18:48

The issues with the exGF are not the main thing here.

The situation is a young adult man who:

  • has been thrown out of his mother’s house (presumably because of unacceptable behaviour)
  • ignores his half sisters in their home
  • is openly rude to his stepmother
  • turns up clearly under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol (is this why his mum threw him out?)

Yes his dad feels guilty and is a bit desperate to rebuild a relationship with his son, but all of the above is important. There are primary school age children in the house who deserve a calm, stable home environment.

MintJulia · 01/10/2023 18:58

viques · 01/10/2023 13:47

Your DH needs to take him aside and have the talk.

in your house everyone is treated with respect.

in your house no one takes drugs.

in your house everyone pulls their weight in terms of household maintenance and financial contribution.

in your house everyone has a job.

This. Your dh needs to offer him a choice. Either DSS treats everyone in the house with courtesy and respect, or your dh helps him find a bedsit nearby.

Offer a clean start for everyone, but that means no drugs and no aggression, and no-one telling anyone to 'move'.

And he needs to find a job. He's a grown man even if he is still quite young. Your DH needs to step up and help him.

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