If someone always tells you they are too busy to reply to your texts, would you give up trying?

[Nowanextraone]

Whenever I text this person, I get quite a long message back telling me why they are too busy to reply or read my messages, with a long spiel about how busy (AKA important) they are at work, how rushed off their feet they are and they will reply later on. They never do reply.

I might message again a few days later and get a similar response, and if I dare question it, I get a shitty message, very patronising. I queried it last week and reminded her that I am also busy, but I value our relationship so would like contact. She was incredible horrible actually, telling me she doesn't have time to respond to my 'great long messages' (they really aren't long). She's got form for being like this, but I was quite taken aback.

I also work full time BTW. My friends often message me when I am with patients. I reply when I am not. It really is that simple. I have friends that work and friends that don't.

This person is my sister. Since her shitty message, she has not made any contact with me.

Would you assume she does not value our relationship as much as I do? 😪

Yeah I did the other week which caused her to get very shitty to me.

You keep saying that, but what has she actually said that was shitty?

You're sending several texts a week to someone you don't like very much and clearly resent.

And you wonder she doesn't reply very often.

This isn't true at all. I really love my sister. I don't like how she treats me.

Every month or so, she will send me hugely long messages about something and I will always support her and help. She's not interested in me or my children at all.

You sound like you’re both built very differently. Does it help to think she’s a cat and you’re a dog? That makes it feel less personal.

YABU to keep messaging someone who treats you this way. It enables her to wipe her feet on you.

Forget she’s your sister, treat her as you would treat anyone treats you like this.

If you work in the NHS you know that band 8 is a truly horrible band. All the responsibility and none of the freedoms of seniority. My band 8 manager looked old before her time and she was expected to pick up whatever issues arose, whether or not it went beyond her contracted hours.

I'm not saying that band 7 doesn't carry massive stress, it does, but it isn't the same as band 8 and I think you know that.

@Lougle whether her sister is a cleaner, stay at home mum or whatever band in the NHS or elsewhere. If the OPs sister is so busy she shouldn’t send a long rude dismissive essay text explaining how busy she is. She should just maybe say something like ok, no or yes, will do a bit tied up speak soon or see you Saturday next week etc.

OP your sister is communicating loud and clear that you are not a priority in her life at the moment. Ease off with the texts which she is obviously finding triggering/stressful maybe text much less, wait for her to text you or send much shorter texts at a different time of day or different day of the week etc. You may find she doesn’t contact you at all but unfortunately for your own sanity and hers if that is the case so be it.

Take care

This ^

@Daddylonglegs123 I agree that status does not dictate manners. But the OP implied that band 7 and band 8 in the NHS are similar. They are not. For example, Band 7 staff are often responsible for a ward in nursing. Band 8 may be responsible for a directorate. Band 8 get all the pressure from below and all the pressure from the top. If you haven't worked in the NHS, you might think they are almost the same because they are just one band away. So what I was saying is that to say 'my job is busy too' implies that their jobs are just as busy. The snippets of messages shared show, in my view, how overwhelmed the sister is and that the OP isn't hearing that.

Social media has taken away all etiquette. In the past, a phonecall might start 'Do you have time to talk?' or 'Is this a good time?' Now, a message just lands in your phone. You can't decide whether you want to read it until you've read it. Perhaps it's an extension of personality, but I have actually had palpitations when my 'Messenger' app pinged because I have so much on and I know that if it pings I have a message waiting that absolutely demands a reply, and not replying is deemed unacceptable.

Totally agree @Lougle that how contactable we all these days isn’t good for our stress levels and mental health particularly when we are juggling a lot of balls in the air etc.

But we all do have choice to turn off notifications, ignore, to reply at a less busy time or to send a short polite reply or to choose not to text people who are giving us very clear obvious signals.

However, whether we are running the country, a company executive, a band 8 in the NHS or elsewhere, cleaning the loo or watching day time tv we all have a choice to choose not to be rude or dismissive etc.

Both of my SIL’s are extremely busy powerful people in stressful demanding jobs. I get on with them both when I see them but I very rarely text or message either of them now as over the years they either don’t reply to messages at all or take ages to reply neither of them have ever been rude or dismissive. I have taken the hint.

@lougle
Have you missed the part that shows she messages me HUGE messages whilst dismissing mine and saying how busy she is?

Whatever though, I have and will take the hint that she doesn't want much of a relationship with me.

Also @lougle, I am much busier than say my best friend who is a stay at home mum. I have 4 children, work full time etc. All her children are at school. Despite this, I never send her messages to inform her how busy I am rather than using the word count to be a good friend.

@Nowanextraone sending an unmumsnetty sisterly hug 🤗 Make time for those who make time for you. I've come to realise the family you choose are sometimes closer than those born in the same one.

Thank you so much :-) Very true. My best friend is more like I imagine a sister could be

@Nowanextraone mine are. I adore my birth sister but there's an age gap. She's fun though and I love being in her company. But I know my friends would drop everything as would I.

I would resist investing one more minute into a relationship with her or anyone that treated me that way.

Believe me it actually becomes easier when you let go of the hopes and expectations. Sadly you can't make people think or behave the way you want them to.