If someone always tells you they are too busy to reply to your texts, would you give up trying?

[Nowanextraone]

Whenever I text this person, I get quite a long message back telling me why they are too busy to reply or read my messages, with a long spiel about how busy (AKA important) they are at work, how rushed off their feet they are and they will reply later on. They never do reply.

I might message again a few days later and get a similar response, and if I dare question it, I get a shitty message, very patronising. I queried it last week and reminded her that I am also busy, but I value our relationship so would like contact. She was incredible horrible actually, telling me she doesn't have time to respond to my 'great long messages' (they really aren't long). She's got form for being like this, but I was quite taken aback.

I also work full time BTW. My friends often message me when I am with patients. I reply when I am not. It really is that simple. I have friends that work and friends that don't.

This person is my sister. Since her shitty message, she has not made any contact with me.

Would you assume she does not value our relationship as much as I do? 😪

Sometimes I reflect back this sort of rude behaviour. Don’t contact her and when she contacts you tell her “bad time, really busy, call me later”, then ignore her for a while longer.

She sounds very stressed and she says she is and she is adding to her own stress. Sounds like meno or she is overwhelmed.

Not personal but letting off steam to someone she loves.

Wait for her to calm down, ring you when she needs you and hopefully apologise.

Leave the ball in her court and she will come back to you xxx

I was in exactly the same situation with my sibling. I stopped being the one to make all the effort and consequently have had no contact at all since January.

I understand that you really want a close relationship with your sister, but she is sending you huge signals that she does not want the same thing as you. You cannot force someone to be close to you, even though you are related and no matter how much you want it. By trying to force it, you may well be pushing her further away. Sibling relationships are not that different from friendships in that way. I recommend you lighten up a bit. Let her set the pace for contact, keep messages short. When you back off a bit and give her breathing space, she might feel less pressure and be more responsive.

How long are the texts you're sending to her? And have you got ridiculously complicated requests in them or something?!

Because if she can type back all that shit then unless she'd have to think/consider/take time to digest what you've said she can definitely respond to your text. Because she has!

That depends a lot on the content of OP’s texts though. If OP is texting her sister about complicated family matters - either relating to their parents/other siblings or OP’s own relationship and the sister doesn’t really want to get involved and particularly not in writing, she could be deflecting from the initial request but adding in the extra verbiage to try to make clear to the OP that she isn’t ignoring her as a person just the question she has asked.

I know. Which is why I said "unless she'd have to think/consider/take time to digest what you've said". And why I was asking @Nowanextraone about what she's saying in her texts.

My texts are genuinely no longer than her replies to me telling me she's too busy to reply. I text her about general things that we've spoken about before- the news, something funny that happened at work, etc. Nothing deep. I call them texts, but it's actually WhatsApp.

I think you're correct, she's showed me she doesn't want a relationship with me and I need to stop putting in the effort as it just hurts me.

I have always been the one to keep in contact with my nephews (one of them contacts me all the time over whatsapp), I've taken them for days out etc. It is never reciprocated. Over the years she's fallen out with my mum over this 'busy' thing as she does the same to her.

Your last sentence is the most important piece of information which you have shared so far.

Your sister does not respond well to demands being placed on her. She gets overwhelmed and tries to assert her boundaries which you and others repeatedly trample over.

She has a busy and stressful role and a family of her own. It’s entirely her decision how much time she wants to spend, if any, with her family of origin at this stage in her life. If she would rather watch Eastenders, read OK magazine or have her nails done in her down time rather than phone or text her mum or sister, that’s her prerogative.

So in response to your original question, yes stop texting her and let her initiate the contact. Which she will either do or not do. She’s not getting anything positive out of your attempts to force a relationship on your own terms. If she does want a relationship going forward, let her take the lead in shaping this in a way which works for her.

Thanks for the advice. I don't however think I am monstrous for wanting a relationship with my sister. I don't see her, I don't call her, I put no demands on her whatsoever except a few texts a week.

@Nowanextraone

OP I'd just stop initiating contact with someone who's always too busy for me, but not too busy to ask my help and advice. I'd certainly not stay awake until midnight or later (one of her messages to you) on the unlikely off-chance she might contact me. In fact I'd go to sleep with "Do not disturb" selected on my phone.

Your sister only wants a relationship when she wants something from you - how does that make you feel? Perhaps draw back to the point, which has been suggested, of sending birthday and Christmas cards instead. Of course then be prepared for her to accuse you of not wanting a relationship with her, because you've taken a different course to the one you are currently on. 🌹

A few messages a week is quite a lot. I'd try cutting back to once a fortnight or a month.

I didn’t say you were monstrous. I did say though that you were asking for something she doesn’t feel able to give you at the moment.

This reminds me of when I was pregnant with DC3. DC2 is disabled and I would often get calls from school asking me to collect them urgently. In the last few weeks of pregnancy I was exhausted and had bad PGP. I would take the opportunity to nap on weekdays after lunch before the kids came home from school. My elderly parents took to phoning me every day at 2pm to ask if there was any news. I asked them not to call at this time and explained why not. They phoned every day. I could not ignore the phone or switch it off in case it was school. I cried. I begged them not to. I got angry with them. I promised I’d call them at a different time of day. Nothing worked and when I got upset with them they laughed at me. They ruined the last month of my pregnancy with their selfishness DF is dead now and I am no contact with DM.

Relationships do not work by forcing other people to bend to your wishes and needs. They just don’t. If you continue as you are doing you will cause irreparable harm to your relationship with your sister as happened between your sister and your mother. What you want is not more important than what she wants. You need to find a compromise which works for you both.

Have you never replied "not too busy to write an essay about how busy and important you are though?"

Yanbu. I couldn't be arsed with someone who stuck up their own arse.

I value my friends time and they value mine. None of us expect time given we don't have but also value the friendships enough to give time when we do have it - without commentary to either situation!

I don't see her, I don't call her, I put no demands on her whatsoever except a few texts a week.

But she doesn't want your texts. That's the point and she's probably even more frustrated that you aren't able to put yourself in her shoes and appreciate that this is not how she wants to keep in touch.

you may believe that you aren't placing any demands on her, but wanting her to bow to your demands that she answers your texts is placing a demand on her, and one she doesn't see why she should obey. She probably doesn't want to out-and-out admit to you that your texts are an annoyance to her, because she doesn't want you to be offended, but at some stage you'll have to come to terms with the fact she clearly has her own life, family, friends and you don't fit in, there just not enough hours in her day.

can you do likewise and create your own circle of family and friends, if you haven't already, which may take away the pressure and see if she gets in touch with you.

I have an amazing family (husband and kids), close friends, acquaintances and a brilliant career.
My sister, as you can see, sends me huge texts when it suits her.

I will bail out now though and stop messaging her at all. How sad though

Of course it's sad, @Nowanextraone theres no doubt about that, but think of it like this: if the only meaningful dialogue you have is a few texts per week because you don't meet up and you don't talk on the phone every few weeks or months, and your sister shows no motivation in "meeting you half way" and giving you her time to stay in touch, then what other option do you have?

treasure the life you have, many don't have what you have, wish your sister well even if it's Christmas and birthdays and "que sera, sera" whatever will be, will be.

Yeah I did the other week which caused her to get very shitty to me.

That's exactly it, she's full of her self importance. I also have quite a high flying career and I have friends that stay at home etc. None of us give a commentary about how busy snd important we are

Yes you've got it in one.
She looks down on my career and my profession as if she knows it all. It's really horrid. She's a band 8 in the NHS and I'm a band 7.....

Very true @daisydaisychain01
There is no motivation at all from her side.
Thank you

Yes

My brother is also far too important and busy to respond to texts. So I gave up trying. I just looked and the last time we had a conversation was Christmas Day.

I've no intention of contacting him again and I doubt he will bother either. It's sad but whatever.

@Nowanextraone

That's exactly it, she's full of her self importance. I also have quite a high flying career and I have friends that stay at home etc. None of us give a commentary about how busy snd important we are

What matters is her responses to you - treat her the same, back off, reduce the number of your communications (which she doesn't want unless she wants something from you), take longer to respond to her and be brief. She obviously doesn't value your relationship in the way you do, so do as she asks. 🌹

If someone made me feel that being friendly was just too much pressure I really wouldn’t bother. Not necessary to fall out or be nasty, but wise to back off as it’s horrible to feel like a nuisance to another person’s wellbeing.

The whole thing sounds toxic. You think she’s self important and patronising. You say she thinks you are a needy failure. If you both genuinely feel this way about each other, why would you have a multiple times a week texting relationship?