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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If someone always tells you they are too busy to reply to your texts, would you give up trying?

142 replies

Nowanextraone · 30/09/2023 15:54

Whenever I text this person, I get quite a long message back telling me why they are too busy to reply or read my messages, with a long spiel about how busy (AKA important) they are at work, how rushed off their feet they are and they will reply later on. They never do reply.

I might message again a few days later and get a similar response, and if I dare question it, I get a shitty message, very patronising. I queried it last week and reminded her that I am also busy, but I value our relationship so would like contact. She was incredible horrible actually, telling me she doesn't have time to respond to my 'great long messages' (they really aren't long). She's got form for being like this, but I was quite taken aback.

I also work full time BTW. My friends often message me when I am with patients. I reply when I am not. It really is that simple. I have friends that work and friends that don't.

This person is my sister. Since her shitty message, she has not made any contact with me.

Would you assume she does not value our relationship as much as I do? 😪

OP posts:
Parlourgames · 30/09/2023 17:21

Oh dear, yes, I wouldn’t be bothering to stay in touch. I usually try to match the other person’s level of interest.

However as it’s your sister you can’t just put her in the bin or shouldn’t. Just withdraw and meet her only on the level she is prepared to engage with you on.

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 30/09/2023 17:23

She's trying to get you to stop texting her. She doesn't want to communicate with you. Sorry

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 30/09/2023 17:24

in my view no one is ever too busy ...cut your losses shes just rude.

Original poster
Nowanextraone · 30/09/2023 17:24

One more example.
I could give hundreds of examples. She is forever busy, not just recently bur considering she has a few good friends I assume she doesn't respond to them like she does me.

If someone always tells you they are too busy to reply to your texts, would you give up trying?
OP posts:
pamplemoussee · 30/09/2023 17:27

She does sound stressed ...

has it always been like this in your relationship ?

I think it's ok to just leave it abit and see whether she does initiate with you

I'm not sure what you're relationships been like with your sister previously but it does sound like you're def not getting what you need out of things atm with the messaging so you're well within your rights to just back away abit

Original poster
Nowanextraone · 30/09/2023 17:29

pamplemoussee · 30/09/2023 17:27

She does sound stressed ...

has it always been like this in your relationship ?

I think it's ok to just leave it abit and see whether she does initiate with you

I'm not sure what you're relationships been like with your sister previously but it does sound like you're def not getting what you need out of things atm with the messaging so you're well within your rights to just back away abit

Yes, she's one of these terminally busy people. She's always been like this but over the last year she's got ruder and ruder.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowanextraone · 30/09/2023 17:30

DyslexicPoster · 30/09/2023 17:21

If she doesn't ever see you in person, doesn't want to talk on the phone, I'd drop contact. Maybe fo a quick 'how are you?' Three word text in six months or 'happy Christmas' then if she rants back, ignore it. Text her happy birthday, happy Christmas and leave her to it.

I had a friend who constantly had drama so bad she could never do more than tell me how stressed out she was. In two years it was never a good time. Highly unlikely so I got the hint and left her to it. Then she had some real drama and I realised she was never there for me and coped with constant stress. She could walk the current drama without me

Show quote history

I think you're right re the Christmas and birthday texts and that's all

OP posts:
foolishone · 30/09/2023 17:32

People aren't too busy to read or respond to messages, it's bullshit.
If people want to make an effort in their relationships they will.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/09/2023 17:35

DynamicK · 30/09/2023 16:23

So bizarre that she would send a message to say she can't send a message.

I'd stop contacting her. Just respond when she contacts you. Though it sounds like she doesn't really wee as my to do that much anyway.

I was thinking the same - if she has time to write a message complaining why doesn't she use the time to just reply to your message. Odd.

I'd send her a short message saying you'll leave the ball in her court to get in touch and you won't message again until then. Then stop messaging her.

Midnightstar76 · 30/09/2023 17:35

I am having a similar issue with my sister OP except she does not speak to me on the phone any more. I try to ring but she does not answer or call back. She does reply to txts though but sometimes not. I am getting seriously CBA with it and will just leave it for her to get in touch.

VisaWoes · 30/09/2023 17:35

I guess sadly just because you’re related it doesn’t mean you have lots in common and it does sound like she doesn’t value your relationship. Which is a shame. I’d definitely stop texting and see what happens. Concentrate on your friends, etc. send her a card/text at Xmas.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/09/2023 17:42

I wouldn't say her message is rude, just flustered. If she doesn't have time then I wouldn't bother contacting her much just forward the odd photo of your child/your pet/yourself/any relative and say "Hope all well with you".

Original poster
Nowanextraone · 30/09/2023 17:44

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/09/2023 17:42

I wouldn't say her message is rude, just flustered. If she doesn't have time then I wouldn't bother contacting her much just forward the odd photo of your child/your pet/yourself/any relative and say "Hope all well with you".

Did you see the length of her text about her problem after telling me she couldn't respond to me?

OP posts:
Mehmehmehmehmeg · 30/09/2023 17:44

I’m also getting this in my life. I feel very guilty about giving up trying but really what can people expect?

Mariposista · 30/09/2023 17:45

Absolutely. I am not interested in how 'busy' you are. If you have time for comedy shows, socialising, whatever else, you have time to send a text.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 17:47

I can't comment on how much she values your relationship but she has been rude and she's made it very clear she doesn't value communication via text with you (perhaps she doesn't with other people either) I would drop back on imitiating communication and wait for her to get in touch and suggest a meet up. Next time you see each other in person you can have a chat about whether she actually wants to be pally with you or not and then find a compromise on what works communicating wise for both of you- perhaps a phone call every so often

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 17:48

Katrinawaves · 30/09/2023 16:42

She doesn’t like text messaging and she has told you this more than once but you keep trying to force this form of communication on her 🤷‍♀️

If she also doesn’t want to speak to you on the phone, have a FaceTime or meet in person, then you can safely assume she doesn’t value the relationship as much as you do. But if she is up for any of these forms of staying in touch, you just need to work out between the two of you which one will work for you both. Cutting her off just because you like text based comms and she finds them stressful would be ridiculous!

This words a lot better what I was trying to get at!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/09/2023 17:50

Nowanextraone · 30/09/2023 17:44

Did you see the length of her text about her problem after telling me she couldn't respond to me?

Show quote history

Well I see a big blue blob where you have blanked out whatever she wrote.

Did she actually say anything rude?

IncognitoMam · 30/09/2023 17:50

I'm sorry you and others are going through this.
I have something with my sister but not as bad. She isn't a visitor. If we catch up it's me going there. She has a lot more free time than me. But I'm not going to ask again and will just catch up at parties etc. Shame as she's the only sibling I have left. Others died.

My friends are my sisters though. They're always there and definitely visit 😄

Original poster
Nowanextraone · 30/09/2023 17:51

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/09/2023 17:50

Well I see a big blue blob where you have blanked out whatever she wrote.

Did she actually say anything rude?

Show quote history

No, she told me she was too busy and then sent a huge long text about herself and something she wanted advice on

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 30/09/2023 17:51

Yeah. I'd take the hint and walk away.

fairydust11 · 30/09/2023 17:51

Yes.

I know she’s your sister but step back and stop texting her, if she wants to get in touch, she will.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 30/09/2023 17:54

There is a woman in my social circle like this. I have stopped bothering. Other friends push for her to reply and she will. Eventually.

I speak when I see her but make no effort to include her. If she wanted to see us she’d reply to messages.

Another friend puts on the group chat where we are meeting up and when after the rest of us have decided this. Then rubbish “friend” replies usually about 2 weeks later to say they can make it.

It’s rude and selfish. People like this don’t deserve my time or consideration. OP, I suggest you take the same approach. Leave this person to it.

Mehmehmehmehmeg · 30/09/2023 17:54

I really can’t understand the mentality of anyone who has a relative trying to be friends with them and just doesn’t appreciate it.

I do understand that friendships aren’t neutral and maybe it’s easier not to get too involved in case the relative is a pain in the arse.

Parlourgames · 30/09/2023 17:57

Wishihadanalgorithm · 30/09/2023 17:54

There is a woman in my social circle like this. I have stopped bothering. Other friends push for her to reply and she will. Eventually.

I speak when I see her but make no effort to include her. If she wanted to see us she’d reply to messages.

Another friend puts on the group chat where we are meeting up and when after the rest of us have decided this. Then rubbish “friend” replies usually about 2 weeks later to say they can make it.

It’s rude and selfish. People like this don’t deserve my time or consideration. OP, I suggest you take the same approach. Leave this person to it.

I agree with this. I had a friend who couldn’t meet me on my friendship level which is not an intense one at all. But she always said no to my invitations and so I stopped making an effort. I recently saw her and it was really lovely actually as I had literally no expectations and she made a few veiled apologies about being a crap friend. I think me just accepting how she is was the right thing to do. Dropping her but with affection!

I wonder if you can take that attitude. Don’t be angry but don’t make an effort where it’s not reciprocated