If someone always tells you they are too busy to reply to your texts, would you give up trying?

[Nowanextraone]

Whenever I text this person, I get quite a long message back telling me why they are too busy to reply or read my messages, with a long spiel about how busy (AKA important) they are at work, how rushed off their feet they are and they will reply later on. They never do reply.

I might message again a few days later and get a similar response, and if I dare question it, I get a shitty message, very patronising. I queried it last week and reminded her that I am also busy, but I value our relationship so would like contact. She was incredible horrible actually, telling me she doesn't have time to respond to my 'great long messages' (they really aren't long). She's got form for being like this, but I was quite taken aback.

I also work full time BTW. My friends often message me when I am with patients. I reply when I am not. It really is that simple. I have friends that work and friends that don't.

This person is my sister. Since her shitty message, she has not made any contact with me.

Would you assume she does not value our relationship as much as I do? 😪

Well like I said, if she doesn't have time to talk about what you want to talk about, just send her the odd picture and good wishes. I wouldn't get offended about it - it seems you aren't that interested in what she wants to talk about either.

I get a shitty message, very patronising

I just don't think anything you've copied here is shitty or patronising?

You're wasting your time, as she's blatantly not interested. Birthday and Xmas messages only.

Different viewpoint.
She sounds very stressed and has asked you stop constantly texting.
So stop!

She sounds like a self entitled dick and you deserve much better, OP

Good advice @Parlourgames

I recently gave up on an old friend for this reason. I always promptly responded to her messages but she would sometimes take weeks to respond to mine. The final straw was when she contacted me and we’d been chatting and I told her that I’d decided to give up the career I loved and adored due to medical reasons. Nothing.

At first I thought she’d been distracted by her newborn so wasn’t too bothered but days turned into weeks and after a couple of months I finally blocked her and defriended her on FB. This wasn’t the first time this had happened and it was just getting hurtful. I’m not a needy person. We would text from time to time and meet up once or twice a year but I think the friendship had run its course. However, to be blanked after saying something like that was just so hurtful.

I write messages like that to a friend I really don’t want to see (without falling out with her). The problem is I am very busy and time poor, and when I have free time she is the last person I’d ever want to spend that precious time with. Maybe if I was a rich retiree with all the time in the world I would spare her an hour for a coffee, but otherwise I’m not bothered.

I’m sorry op but I think you’re just not a priority and like others have suggested, just let her know you’re there, but then leave her to it.

If she was a friend that friendship would be over. She’s your sister so I would be a bit more tolerant but it sounds like this has gone on for too long now. I wouldn’t text again and just send token cards on special calendar events.

Honestly I am SO invested in here, her children and having a relationship with my only sister. This is so far from the truth. This is why it hurts so much that the feeling isn't mutual

I adjust my texting style to the recipient's. Tbh it sounds like she finds you a bit intense and feels under pressure to reply quickly and at length.

If someone leans back you need to lean back too.

I've started a new system with people like this OP, family included. I delete their contact details from my phone. It means I can't get in touch with them, so if they text me I can decide to respond, and if I do, I delete the conversation and never save the number. It has actually done wonders for my wellbeing!

What a twat

Just stop contacting her. She obvs doesn’t care, as you say the responses about why she can’t text back are ridiculous, she could just answer by our text

if she does contact you then respond when you can

I think it's hard to quantify the value of a relationship....but I'd definitely think she doesn't base a relationship on text contact.
I will use WhatsApp for a live running conversation....Messenger too. I'll use plain texts to send simple information or ask a direct Q eg what time are we meeting on Saturday? Is Helen coming? Running a bit late, be with you in half hour...I wouldnt ask What are your plans for Xmas? as that's more of a conversation. I tend to ring my mum but I must admit, when she calls me I sometimes think 'What do you actually want?'
I wouldn't assume your sister necessarily doesn't value you. If it's just socialising/chatting you want text first saying Can icallweds eve for a catch up?

I can see why these messages also make you feel a bit shit and like you are not a priority for her. At the same time, she does sound very stressed, and also sounds like she's beating herself up a bit for not being able to reply to you straight away.

I think in your position I would gently point out that she sounds stressed and ask if she's OK. I'd also tell her that there is no pressure to reply to messages quickly and I'm happy to wait until she has the time and headspace - there's no need to explain herself.

I might say that I would really appreciate a phone call as and when she has time as I think they are much better than messages for proper, close communication. I don't have long messages with my siblings - I would arrange to call them if I want to talk.

After that if you still feel sidelined then maybe she genuinely isn't in a place where she can have a close relationship with you right now. That's sad, but relationships in life do ebb and flow sometimes. It might be better all round if you distance a bit and let her come to you as and when she's ready.

Do you WhatsApp? Tell her to do voice notes , so much easier !

It's funny, I must be in a minority, but if someone sends me a voice note it gives me the fear 😂

Text her and say you've come into money and would like to share it with her. No doubt she'd be texting back immediately. Says it all really.

That was a reach

It's hard to know what the dynamic is. What are you texting her about generally?
Do you ever ring and talk to her, and if so how often?

I think she’s being passive aggressive and my sister is the same. I’ve given up with mine now after years of “chasing “ her approval and friendship. I never message her first now, in my head I’ve gone Low contact.

Weirdly, she will text me now, it’s like she doesn’t like it when we haven’t texted for a few weeks so she initiates. I’m always perfectly pleasant but keep it superficial. Can’t be bothered with her bullshit anymore.

Try to stop caring @Nowanextraone it makes the relationship so much easier.

Would you assume she does not value our relationship as much as I do?

Yes, i would. We make time for those we want to make time for. And she seems to have plenty of time to write long texts as to why she has no time to reply. 🙄 I would not be motivated to continue efforts.

I'm going to put it out there that maybe your person just needs to vent about their busyness. If you do value the relationship you could just say 'I hear you're very busy, it sounds a bit much. Give me a text when you can?'

What's her job? Wonderwoman? If she was busy she's just not reply and reply later like normal people do instead of long messages explaining why she can't possibly talk to you. Back at midnight, ffs.

Unless you are hounding her for a reply, and I don't think you are, I'd just leave it. You mention that you have other friends so you won't even miss her.

I'd be tempted to text back, 'I didn't know you moonlighted as an intergalactic space raider' then just don't get back to her.

I've been here too. I've had, "you do text a lot." Not one more text did they get. Then the 'busy' replies. I just move away.