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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is shitty and snobbish

84 replies

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 30/09/2023 10:57

I have two close friends, A and B. I have known A for decades (since we were teenagers). Have known B for less time, but she's a solid friend and we all get on well and go out sometimes.

A has been in a LTR with a bloke for decades (20+ years): they have three kids, very settled. He's nice enough, a great dad but I've always thought he's a bit of a snob and that may be colouring my judgement. B is in a relatively new relationship (coming up to two years) after a horrible divorce.

A's other half has developed an intense and apparently irrational dislike of B's other half. As far as I can tell this is purely based on snobbery. B's other half is not the world's most charismatic person, not a sparkling conversationalist. He's quiet and kind of awkward and struggles to read a room but is always polite and respectful and is as far as we can tell kind, decent and generous. B seems happy with him.

A has been having an issue with some work stuff and B's partner (they work in the same industry) was helping her with it, at A's request. B's partner was doing this unpaid and has gone round to help her with it a couple of weekends running (never alone, other people and family have always been there so no suggestion any cheating or flirting has occurred).

A has said she is hugely grateful to B's boyfriend and asked B if she could him a gift to thank him. B suggested buying him dinner and drinks and tried to find a date for us all to go out (including me and my DP and our kids). A flapped for a bit and changed the subject.

A told me later in private after B and her partner had gone that she couldn't do that to her partner because her partner finds B's partner "hilariously dull" and couldn't sit in a pub or a restaurant with him for an hour without "exploding with boredom".

I thought that was really shitty. B's partner can be a bit dull sometimes but it costs nothing to sit and have a drink with him. Particularly as he's done a favour for A. Unless I'm missing some private issue between these two blokes (I'm pretty sure I'm not because they've only met about four times), I think this is just A's partner being a nasty snob.

Everyone's entitled to choose their friends and there's no reason A's partner and B's partner need to be great mates, but not being able to be superficially friendly to someone who's done your family a favour over a drink just seems so rude.

Of course A can just buy a present and give it to B's partner (which is probably what will happen). But the idea that A's partner thinks he can just walk out of rooms every time B's partner is present and completely avoid him, causing embarrassment to his family, just because he finds the bloke a bit boring, seems so entitled to me.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 30/09/2023 11:01

A’s partner sounds like a bit of a wanker.

AmyandPhilipfan · 30/09/2023 11:02

Yes, that sounds very bad mannered. She's not asking him to be best friends with the guy, but he should be polite enough to get on with him at the odd joint social occasion. I would be really sad if my partner was so unkind about a friend's partner.

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 30/09/2023 11:04

KimberleyClark · 30/09/2023 11:01

A’s partner sounds like a bit of a wanker.

I'm coming around to this view tbh. I always thought he was just someone with strong feelings but his reaction to the bloke (who he barely knows) has been so nasty.

OP posts:
KookyAndSpooky · 30/09/2023 11:25

Could he not also be a bit jealous that A and B's partner get on well and work in the same industry? He might be using the fact that B's DP is not a great conversationalist to pull him down. Even though their relationship is platonic, some partners seem to want to be the only person of the opposite sex that can help or support their partner. I've seen it quite a lot, even without a rational reason.

It seems odd that A's DP couldn't tolerate B's DP in a group for one evening.

CountessKathleen · 30/09/2023 11:28

You keep saying that A’s partner is a ‘snob’, but you don’t give any evidence to support that — finding someone dull and not wanting to socialise with them isn’t snobbish. Dullness isn’t a matter of social class. I’ve probably met more dull UC people than dull WC people.

Yes, it might be seen as ungenerous if the dull guy has helped out his partner, but the fact that B jumped at the chance of dinner as a foursome as a ‘thank you’ to her boyfriend from A does suggest she’s trying to foster a ‘regular’ friendship/pattern of going out as a foursome, whereas the only friendship here is between A and B, not their partners. A should buy B’s boyfriend something as a thank you and not force a social occasion not everyone is enthusiastic about.

Vinvertebrate · 30/09/2023 11:30

No snobbery here just A’s partner sounding like an arse.

CarPour · 30/09/2023 11:33

A's partner sounds like a dick, and seems to have a very high opinion of himself

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/09/2023 11:33

A's partner sounds horrible. I would endure a dull meal to say thank you to someone who had gone out of their way to help my partner. Who wouldn't?

Doesn't sound like anything is going to change though, so A will just have to find another way of saying thank you.

CarPour · 30/09/2023 11:35

CountessKathleen · 30/09/2023 11:28

You keep saying that A’s partner is a ‘snob’, but you don’t give any evidence to support that — finding someone dull and not wanting to socialise with them isn’t snobbish. Dullness isn’t a matter of social class. I’ve probably met more dull UC people than dull WC people.

Yes, it might be seen as ungenerous if the dull guy has helped out his partner, but the fact that B jumped at the chance of dinner as a foursome as a ‘thank you’ to her boyfriend from A does suggest she’s trying to foster a ‘regular’ friendship/pattern of going out as a foursome, whereas the only friendship here is between A and B, not their partners. A should buy B’s boyfriend something as a thank you and not force a social occasion not everyone is enthusiastic about.

Edited

I think it's the fact that he can't possibly sit through a dinner with one dull person out of 6 and uses words such as hilarious dull, and exploding with boredom

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 30/09/2023 11:36

Why can't A just take B and B's bf out for dinner and drinks without involving her own partner? (eg just leave him at home with the kids)
The OP and her partner can also go along, and the five of them can have fun without the rude/snobby one. Is A so co-dependant that she can't imagine doing something sociable with friends, without her partner being present?!

RedSquirrelsRock · 30/09/2023 11:37

A's partner isn't a snob he just comes across as a bit of a twat, plus he might be a bit jealous of B's partner getting on well with A.

PumpkinPie2016 · 30/09/2023 11:38

A's partner sounds rude!

As you say, he doesn't have to be best mates with B's partner but, in a group meal situation, there is absolutely no reason why he couldn't just be pleasant and polite. It's not like there would be no one else to talk to.

Perhaps the rest of you could go out and A's partner can stay home if he is that concerned he'd be bored.

WhereIstand · 30/09/2023 11:41

Yeah A's partner is a dick.

My friend's husband is horrible to spend time with, he's done everything better than you, knows more than you, and has to point out all his ideas and opinions. He thinks his conversation is amazing and everyone else is dull. My friend looks at him like a keen puppy while I try not to vomit

I'd never voice that though, and I'm polite and friendly.

Give me quiet/dull rather than snobbish any day of the week.

A's partner is being so rude, he should grown up and learn not to be rude and judgemental.

KimberleyClark · 30/09/2023 11:42

OP has always thought A’s partner is a bit of a snob, it’s not just based on this latest incident, so she must have her reasons for that. Is A’s partner privately educated while B’s partner is not?

rainbowstardrops · 30/09/2023 11:45

Whether he's being a snob is debatable but there's no debating whether he's an insufferable prick!

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 30/09/2023 11:46

CountessKathleen · 30/09/2023 11:28

You keep saying that A’s partner is a ‘snob’, but you don’t give any evidence to support that — finding someone dull and not wanting to socialise with them isn’t snobbish. Dullness isn’t a matter of social class. I’ve probably met more dull UC people than dull WC people.

Yes, it might be seen as ungenerous if the dull guy has helped out his partner, but the fact that B jumped at the chance of dinner as a foursome as a ‘thank you’ to her boyfriend from A does suggest she’s trying to foster a ‘regular’ friendship/pattern of going out as a foursome, whereas the only friendship here is between A and B, not their partners. A should buy B’s boyfriend something as a thank you and not force a social occasion not everyone is enthusiastic about.

Edited

To give context: I've known this guy (A's partner) for more than 20 years and I know him fairly well. He's kind and is a good partner and dad which is ultimately what matters in terms of his relationship with A.

But I've always found him to be quick to make snap judgements about people based on relatively superficial things like their taste in music and movies etc. He's very dismissive of people who are not "PLU". It's not necessarily a class-based snobbery (although he is actually very UC), it's an intellectual/taste snobbery. Quick to sneer at people who he thinks like music which isn't credible, or drink the wrong kind of wine etc. That's fine, it's a free country. But I do think he's quite judgemental.

In terms of the social element: obviously A's partner shouldn't be forced to become automatically friendly with B's partner on the basis that their OHs are friends. I do think, though, that refusing to sit through a dinner or a drink with someone on the basis that you don't on the face of it have anything in common is a) crass and b) superficial. I think he could perfectly well swallow his judgement for an hour and have dinner with them.

As a separate point: I have lots of friends who I superficially have nothing in common with but that I still like. Friendship can be based on many things. It doesn't always have to be a check-box exercise in demographic appropriateness. It's perfectly possible to think someone has dreadful taste in music, for example, and still enjoy hanging out with them. A's partner seems to have made a snap judgement about B's partner for reasons best known to himself and it may be that he genuinely can't stand him but I can't help thinking, based on what I know of him, that he just thinks the guy is beneath him.

OP posts:
Highandlows · 30/09/2023 11:47

Has partner A ever been controlling? Some people like to control or to block new friends coming to the circle of friends. He is behaving in a childish and petulant manner. So embarrassing for his partner.

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 30/09/2023 11:48

KimberleyClark · 30/09/2023 11:42

OP has always thought A’s partner is a bit of a snob, it’s not just based on this latest incident, so she must have her reasons for that. Is A’s partner privately educated while B’s partner is not?

Edited

A's partner is privately educated. B's partner is not, correct. However A is not privately educated either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 30/09/2023 11:49

Highandlows · 30/09/2023 11:47

Has partner A ever been controlling? Some people like to control or to block new friends coming to the circle of friends. He is behaving in a childish and petulant manner. So embarrassing for his partner.

Edited

Not controlling in a coercive way, that I've ever seen. To my knowledge he's never stopped her going out/controlled what she wears or anything like this.

He talks down to her a bit but he talks down to a lot of people.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/09/2023 11:51

A's partner sounds like an utter selfish twat. Spending an evening with one boring person in a group of four people is hardly a great hardship, especially if that boring person has done your partner a favour. A's partner clearly thinks a lot of himself and wants to make a show of the fact that he's far too special and charismatic to be expected to spend time with someone who's not as socially skilled as him Hmm

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 30/09/2023 11:56

KookyAndSpooky · 30/09/2023 11:25

Could he not also be a bit jealous that A and B's partner get on well and work in the same industry? He might be using the fact that B's DP is not a great conversationalist to pull him down. Even though their relationship is platonic, some partners seem to want to be the only person of the opposite sex that can help or support their partner. I've seen it quite a lot, even without a rational reason.

It seems odd that A's DP couldn't tolerate B's DP in a group for one evening.

Possibly this as well. A was a SAHM for quite a long time and her DP was the sole breadwinner. She's started working in the past few years. I have no direct evidence for this but it could be he feels a bit threatened by this.

OP posts:
BusySittingDown · 30/09/2023 11:58

Yeah A's partner sounds like a dick.

Why can't everyone just arrange an outing without him? Although, to be honest, if all 6 of you went (ie. A, A's partner, B, B's partner and then you and yours) it's not like A's partner would have to even talk to him the whole time is it?!? He would have other people to chat to, therefore he wouldn't have to "explode with boredom!" 🙄

CarPour · 30/09/2023 11:58

You describe him as kind but describing someone as hilarious dull and refusing to spend an evening with them, talking down to people including your wife, and sneering at people because of the wine they drink or the music they like are not kind or nice things

He's a prick. An arrogant prick. Tell A to leave him at home and go out the 4 of you and be grateful you don't have to spend the time with such a tedious man

Original poster
Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 30/09/2023 12:00

CarPour · 30/09/2023 11:58

You describe him as kind but describing someone as hilarious dull and refusing to spend an evening with them, talking down to people including your wife, and sneering at people because of the wine they drink or the music they like are not kind or nice things

He's a prick. An arrogant prick. Tell A to leave him at home and go out the 4 of you and be grateful you don't have to spend the time with such a tedious man

Yeah: I guess he's always been pleasant enough to me and (generally) to A and certainly to their kids.

But he seems much less kind when it concerns people who he doesn't consider to be his social equal. It's quite an eye opener.

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 30/09/2023 12:00

Well, he sounds like a dick, but I wouldn’t say he sounds especially snobby based on this example. Arrogant and judgmental for sure!