To think this is shitty and snobbish

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I have two close friends, A and B. I have known A for decades (since we were teenagers). Have known B for less time, but she's a solid friend and we all get on well and go out sometimes.

A has been in a LTR with a bloke for decades (20+ years): they have three kids, very settled. He's nice enough, a great dad but I've always thought he's a bit of a snob and that may be colouring my judgement. B is in a relatively new relationship (coming up to two years) after a horrible divorce.

A's other half has developed an intense and apparently irrational dislike of B's other half. As far as I can tell this is purely based on snobbery. B's other half is not the world's most charismatic person, not a sparkling conversationalist. He's quiet and kind of awkward and struggles to read a room but is always polite and respectful and is as far as we can tell kind, decent and generous. B seems happy with him.

A has been having an issue with some work stuff and B's partner (they work in the same industry) was helping her with it, at A's request. B's partner was doing this unpaid and has gone round to help her with it a couple of weekends running (never alone, other people and family have always been there so no suggestion any cheating or flirting has occurred).

A has said she is hugely grateful to B's boyfriend and asked B if she could him a gift to thank him. B suggested buying him dinner and drinks and tried to find a date for us all to go out (including me and my DP and our kids). A flapped for a bit and changed the subject.

A told me later in private after B and her partner had gone that she couldn't do that to her partner because her partner finds B's partner "hilariously dull" and couldn't sit in a pub or a restaurant with him for an hour without "exploding with boredom".

I thought that was really shitty. B's partner can be a bit dull sometimes but it costs nothing to sit and have a drink with him. Particularly as he's done a favour for A. Unless I'm missing some private issue between these two blokes (I'm pretty sure I'm not because they've only met about four times), I think this is just A's partner being a nasty snob.

Everyone's entitled to choose their friends and there's no reason A's partner and B's partner need to be great mates, but not being able to be superficially friendly to someone who's done your family a favour over a drink just seems so rude.

Of course A can just buy a present and give it to B's partner (which is probably what will happen). But the idea that A's partner thinks he can just walk out of rooms every time B's partner is present and completely avoid him, causing embarrassment to his family, just because he finds the bloke a bit boring, seems so entitled to me.

Why did A feel she had to share this information with you? That makes her complicit in her partner's actions. She should've kept that information to herself.

This is it... it's no skin off his nose to go and have drinks with B's partner alongside a group of others. He presumably has to do this sort of thing all the time for work (he's always having to do social things for work) so I don't see why this should be any different.

I could understand if he was being asked to go away on a weekend break with him. But this just seems really precious and silly.

I think she thought I would probably agree about B's partner and find it funny.

But you sound as if you agree to extent that he’s dull, not good company etc?

This!

If A's partner is as great as he seems to think he is, why isn't he making lively, engaging conversation that involves the whole group, so it won't matter if B's partner is a bit quiet or "dull"? He sounds like he thinks he'll have to be locked in a room with B's partner and listen to him monologue for an hour.

A's partner sounds horrible but why can't he stay at home and the rest of you go out?! I don't think partners need to be glued at the hip all the time.

He's definitely less charismatic than A's partner and less socially confident. He's less well educated and less able to "hold himself" in a crowd. He's clearly come from a different social background. He's awkward and obviously socially slightly unconfident and not the life and soul of the party. He's not a great intellect. I've had conversations with him which have felt a bit formulaic.

But he's always been polite, kind, respectful and engaged in conversation and asks people questions about themselves. And he's not crashingly tactless. He can hold his own.

TBH my perspective on this has probably changed as I have got older. 20 years ago I would probably have agreed with A's partner about B's partner but I think that was partly my own internalised snobbery.

The older I get and the more people I get to know, the more I recognise that sparkling repartee and being a social butterfly doesn't necessarily correlate with character. I've known a lot of people in my life (including a lot of my own family) who are great at holding court at dinner parties etc but a lot of this is a front for their own insecurities and masks a fundamental lack of interest in other people.

It's swings and roundabouts isn't it? What do you value more: someone who can blend in well at a MC gathering and knows their wine and has appropriate political views, or someone who is fundamentally decent but not always the shiniest person in any social gathering? It's not either/or, obviously. But often people who know how to hold themselves socially turn out to actually be quite selfish when you get to know them well.

But what this seems to come down to is that A's partner has struck B's partner off on the basis that he has less social capital. Which I think is pretty ugly.

Of course we don't need to be glued at the hip.. it's usually just A and B and I. We're talking about maybe the second or third social gathering since B and her partner have been together.

Agree with the general consensus that A’s partner sounds like a bit of a knob. Funny how when people try to be clever and put others down it normally has the opposite effect and makes them look bad.

Side note: I also find that people who describe others as dull usually lack the imagination/curiosity to find out what makes the other person tick and brings something interesting out of them. They expect others to entertain them in obvious, ‘safe’, socially sanctioned ways, and can’t conceive of having a different kind of interaction depending on the other person’s temperament. Ironically because of this they are often dull too!

I agree. I tend to find if people like A were as good conversationalist as they think they are they can quite easily bring people like B out of their shell.

It's more they prefer to hold court in a dinner situation and be the centre of the attention, whilst others entertain them in exactly the way they want. It's not actually enjoying spending time or socialising with people

@CarPour @MarryingMrDarcy

It's more they prefer to hold court in a dinner situation and be the centre of the attention, whilst others entertain them in exactly the way they want. It's not actually enjoying spending time or socialising with people.

This is my take on it too.

My dad was very much like this. Was very preoccupied with only spending time with people who were "interesting" (which was usually code for having interesting sounding jobs and knowing all the right social codes). A's OH is very much like this too (albeit slightly subtler) and I think at heart this is about him not feeling he can be arsed to lower himself to having to make conversation which he thinks is below him.

It's absolutely fine to want to choose your close friends on the basis of compatibility and shared interests if that's what you want. Not OK to dismiss people out of hand basically because they have a different background from you and don't know the "rules".

This.

I also agree with PPs that the rest of you could plan a meal without A’s partner. It would be interesting to see how he would react to the idea.

I am not sure he will completely fine with it, even though this is the natural reaction if you only want to spare yourself a dull time.

A’s partner is quite simply a twat.

That is the main thing that struck me too.

I used to have a friend who did this a little bit too often and it became apparent it she was using it to test the waters, start badmouthing mutual acquaintances, big herself up, be passive aggressive/put you down.

A meal without A’s boyfriend is a good idea, but I don’t see any reason to think he wouldn’t be fine with a social occasion involving someone he considers a dullard going on without him. I mean, we’ve all been there, tolerating a friend’s dull new boyfriend because we’re fond of her, but I’ve always been quite upfront about my friendships not involving enforced couple friendships, unless everyone involved genuinely likes one another.

If A’s boyfriend has already met B’s boyfriend four times, he knows whether or not he wants to spend time with him. Yes, a more gracious man might suck up the dullness for once out of gratitude for him helping out A, but …

I can't really see that this has anything to do with you or for you to worry about or give space in your to.

If A's husband doesn't like B's boyfriend then why should he have to go?

The meal is for A to thank B's husband and die a meet up of friends.

Far better to enjoy the meal where you all get on than have A's attendance spoil it by him being standoffish etc.

"Any fool can be exclusive". I can't remember who wrote that, but it is so true. The person who is open minded to all sorts of people will have a much more interesting set of interactions with others. Sounds like you do this OP, but A's partner by being so ridiculously exclusive will get more more and more narrow in his outlook. So he is a fool.

She thought you would find it funny? Why would she think that?? Have you joined in in laughing behind this chap’s back before? Her partner may be UC/privately educated etc, sadly, his privilege hasn’t taught him any kindness or good manners!

To be totally transparent I think 20 years ago I would have found it funny.

I think I've probably got more open minded/less judgemental as I've got older.

It's no skin off my nose. The meal will go ahead or it won't, with or without A's other half or whatever. Some gesture will get worked out.

I just thought it was unpleasant that this bloke (and by extension, his partner) are openly laughing about the "dullness" of the partner of a close friend, as if it were some hilarious shared joke we should all be in on.

People bitch about one another sometimes, that's life and you can't stop it. And if B's partner had been a real arse; a racist or a drunk or a raging snob or someone who went on and on without allowing anyone to get a word in, I'd have cut them some slack. But his only real crime is apparently not being "interesting" enough for A's partner. And the fact that A thought this was some in joke which we would all be on the same page on I thought was nasty. My DP (who has known these guys for a while) was also a bit surprised and started to wonder if similar sentiments were being expressed about him.

From what you said A partner seems to think he is the great I am. Meanwhile B partner is a quieter character and not as educated as B. B meanwhile will talk to people and pass himself in company.
Your friend went back to work a few years ago. She was having problems and she asked B for help as they work in the same industry. In time your friend might want or need to move jobs and B partner could be in a position to help her.

Now when she has asked her partner to go to a meal with B partner and family he is complaining that he can't stand B partner despite only meeting him a few times.
To be honest A partner sounds like a snob who is use to getting his own way.

In A case I would bring B and her partner out for a meal on her own telling them that A is very busy with a work project. The next time her partner expects her to attend a work social event I would tell him that she is to busy to attend it.

The reality is that as an adult and working outside the home we meet people that we might have not much in common with or we may not particularly like. At times you have to chat people and pass yourself with them. Also in a job it pays to do this because down the line these people may help you get another job.

When you said that B suggested drinks and dinner I thought she meant just for her and her partner - that A would l pay for them to have a nice night out. Wouldn't that be the simplest?

When B started mentioning a whole crowd it just sounds messy. For one thing would A then pay for A and B but you (C?) pay for yourselves?

Whilst people are slagging off A's partner, I would give him a break, who knows how much energy he has to go on what looks like an expensive night out that he doesn't even want to go on? He will no doubt meet with B and partner at other occasions.

In essence, I think A should keep it simple hand over a voucher or present. Job done.

The thing is, he hasn’t actually refused to do this, has he? In fact, A herself - knowing her partner’s opinion - has said she’s not willing to ask/suggest it.

So whilst I agree it’s A’s snobby partner who is part of the issue, I actually think a fair bit of blame here belongs to A herself. She had the favour, she’s the one refusing to offer the gesture in response in order to please her partner over the bloke who actually did her the favour.

That she won’t ask him is her issue.

B’s Partner was able to help A with her work issue when her own husband couldn’t ,
Is A’s partner an Alpha male that now feels a bit threatened because he couldn’t help his wife and another male had to step in