To think this is shitty and snobbish

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I have two close friends, A and B. I have known A for decades (since we were teenagers). Have known B for less time, but she's a solid friend and we all get on well and go out sometimes.

A has been in a LTR with a bloke for decades (20+ years): they have three kids, very settled. He's nice enough, a great dad but I've always thought he's a bit of a snob and that may be colouring my judgement. B is in a relatively new relationship (coming up to two years) after a horrible divorce.

A's other half has developed an intense and apparently irrational dislike of B's other half. As far as I can tell this is purely based on snobbery. B's other half is not the world's most charismatic person, not a sparkling conversationalist. He's quiet and kind of awkward and struggles to read a room but is always polite and respectful and is as far as we can tell kind, decent and generous. B seems happy with him.

A has been having an issue with some work stuff and B's partner (they work in the same industry) was helping her with it, at A's request. B's partner was doing this unpaid and has gone round to help her with it a couple of weekends running (never alone, other people and family have always been there so no suggestion any cheating or flirting has occurred).

A has said she is hugely grateful to B's boyfriend and asked B if she could him a gift to thank him. B suggested buying him dinner and drinks and tried to find a date for us all to go out (including me and my DP and our kids). A flapped for a bit and changed the subject.

A told me later in private after B and her partner had gone that she couldn't do that to her partner because her partner finds B's partner "hilariously dull" and couldn't sit in a pub or a restaurant with him for an hour without "exploding with boredom".

I thought that was really shitty. B's partner can be a bit dull sometimes but it costs nothing to sit and have a drink with him. Particularly as he's done a favour for A. Unless I'm missing some private issue between these two blokes (I'm pretty sure I'm not because they've only met about four times), I think this is just A's partner being a nasty snob.

Everyone's entitled to choose their friends and there's no reason A's partner and B's partner need to be great mates, but not being able to be superficially friendly to someone who's done your family a favour over a drink just seems so rude.

Of course A can just buy a present and give it to B's partner (which is probably what will happen). But the idea that A's partner thinks he can just walk out of rooms every time B's partner is present and completely avoid him, causing embarrassment to his family, just because he finds the bloke a bit boring, seems so entitled to me.

I don’t think this needs worrying about

Mr B did A a favour, A is appreciative, just doesn’t want to subject him to lunch with Mr A who doesn’t like him.

Mr A does sound like a bit of a tosser but in which case I wouldn’t want to subject Mr B to lunch with him either

@NoSquirrels

So whilst I agree it’s A’s snobby partner who is part of the issue, I actually think a fair bit of blame here belongs to A herself. She had the favour, she’s the one refusing to offer the gesture in response in order to please her partner over the bloke who actually did her the favour.

That's fair, yes.

I think she was second-guessing her partner and knew he wouldn't want to spend time with B's partner. She was perfectly happy to buy B's partner a present etc but tried to wriggle out of doing anything social.

I get that she doesn't feel she wants to force her partner into doing something he's uncomfortable with, which I kind of understand. If it was me I'd have just told my DP to suck it up and that he could deal with a quick half hour drink with the bloke and stop moaning to keep the peace. But maybe that's not how they roll.

But there was also something about the suggestion that I would automatically find it funny that A's partner finds B's partner dull and that I would be on his side with this.

Why can’t A take B and B’s partner out without A’s husband attending? While he does seem a bit antisocial, and judgmental, I don’t see why partners should be forced to spend time with someone they don’t enjoy the company of. I disagree it doesn’t cost him anything unless he’s unemployed. Free time can be hard to come by and most would want to spend it in an enjoyable way, not out of social obligation.

When you said that B suggested drinks and dinner I thought she meant just for her and her partner - that A would l pay for them to have a nice night out. Wouldn't that be the simplest?

I’d find that approach a bit patronising tbh. “I want to thank you but not spend time with you”. Is what it says.

I agree in principle. Couples absolutely don't have to socialise en masse. And that's more than likely what will happen eventually.

But I think not being able to tolerate a few minutes in someone's company over a drink in a social setting as a one off, when that person is dear to a mutual friend, because you find them so insufferably dull, is pretty spoiled and entitled.

This. If people can't behave nicely in company, then they get sent to their rooms (or the adult equivalent).

In this case, A's partner can't be trusted not to spoil the occasion so should not be invited.

I think, from what ive read, that A, A's partner and you, OP, have all been thinking very unkind and derogatory things about B's partner

He has been nothing but kind and helpful to A

Shame on all of you

Tell A to buy him a voucher for a meal out with A

Then all of you leave the poor blighter alone

Sorry A to buy a,voucher for B and B's partner to have a meal

Yes, well said. A's partner sounds like he's way too far up his own backside. He sounds vile. They say empty canisters make the most noise!

🤣🤣🤣

But there was also something about the suggestion that I would automatically find it funny that A's partner finds B's partner dull and that I would be on his side with this.

That’s an A thing too. She’s the one condoning her partner’s opinion/behaviour, she also thinks it’s reasonable.

In A’s shoes I would do as you say - tell my DH he needed to play nice for an evening. It may not be how A and her relationship rolls, you may ‘get she doesn’t want to force him’ but still, fundamentally, that’s all down to A as much as it is to her unpleasant-sounding snobby partner.

As husband hasn't been rude to Bs partner. He hasn't even said anything behind his back to you or your partner (A spilled the beans n told you what he'd shared in confidence).
Treating Bs partner as a thank you for the help he's given her is perfectly fine but why does it have to involve As OH. He's made it perfectly clear this isn't a relationship he wants to foster. I know how these things work. Imagining weekends away in a cottage and next thing it's 'well us girls are going to the spa whilst you boys watch the football '.

I'm on As OH side. He doesn't want to become part of a foursome with Roy Cropper. Buy him some whisky/a subscription to a mag/ National Trust membership (as applicable) but leave OH out of it.

Yes, A's partner (and A herself in this particular interaction) sounds snobby and a bit of a conceited/insecure/unkind twat. Good at least that you didn't laugh along with it..

I think A is partly the problem. Not only for being married to an absolute twat and not minding, but quite happy to take free help from a nice man then listen to her husband sneering at him.
I can't think for the life of me why you'd want to subject B and her partner to As husband, either at a thank you meal or for drinks. I'd find it deeply uncomfortable to have to sit there knowing B was going to be laughed at when his back was turned. I'd see them separately. I'd also be wondering what Mr A was saying about me and my DP.

Just out of curiosity, I wonder if at the suggestion of the 'six some meal' what Bs BFs thoughts would be. I can imagine that conversation...
'Oh no, really? Another evening with Mr Bombastic.'
'But he's As husband darling n we've been friends for years. Can't you suck it up for one eve'
'Must I B? Last time I was polite and even though i kinda disengaged when he went on an opinionated rant still he carried on. Hes so tiresome'

B to You...
"Hee hee. Guess what my fella just called As OH...well you have to admit...."

Don't force this relationship. This isn't a Xmas with the ILs or Bs 50th. It's an unnecessary interaction that likely only the women want.

This! He sounds like a dick but so does she!! She sounds just as bad. She greedily used this guy knowing how her dh feels, she's awful. And for her to even describe him that way says it all. I would definitely see in her for her true colours.

I'm on As OH side. He doesn't want to become part of a foursome with Roy Cropper.

LOL... In no universe is B's partner comparable to Roy Cropper.

Look I've said several times I don't think these two blokes have to be friends or that there has to be any "foursome" but I think the idea that Mr A is so refined and intellectual that he can't possibly be expected to make polite chit chat with Mr B for about an hour as a one off is pretty shit.

I don't even think it's about them having to socialise for this, it's about the general notion that Mr A shouldn't be expected to put himself through the social indignity of having to chat to someone who doesn't amuse and entertain with every bon mot.

As you say it's not really Mr A's fault this has come to light. It's A's fault.

Pretty shit of A. If I were A I wouldn’t let this go- I’d say to my partner oh ok so we never do anything that isn’t highly enjoyable or entertaining on its own, because your spouse has asked you to? I’m quite busy and I won’t be going to your parents at the weekend and I haven’t done those forms you asked me, it’s a crashingly dull task and you tell me we don’t do those for each other anymore, even when someone has done me a huge favour.
I would just keep going with this, and every time he moaned about someone I’d comment if he’s ever socialised or hung out with them - oh but you seem able to spend time in the same room, just not when it’s a favour to me? Ok then.
good friends are precious and such friendships should be nurtured and if you don’t do that then you’re an idiot and don’t deserve them.
in your position I’d say to A I feel
a bit awkward around your husband now knowing he’s so critical of people. Do you honestly not ever challenge him on that? Say you absolute snob you don’t have to go to dinner as a favour to me, but I have clearly noted that you arent supportive of my work?

You have become inured to his twattishness in the 20 years you have known him. It has taken someone new to open your eyes, maybe A is seeing it afresh too.

He sounds like an overbearing twonk. I

A's partner sounds not snobbish, but ill mannered & judgemental who cannot cope with anyone who does not fit into 'the cool crowd'. B's partner just sounds like a typical introvert, who is also probably is not widely enthusiastic about having dinner with A's partner either, but has manners so won't say it.

Can't A's partner stay at home if it cannot manage civility for one evening out of recognition for everything B's partner did? Otherwise drop the dinner plan and do something else.

A sounds just as bad!

When I was about 20, I would probably have reacted just like A's partner.

That's because I was an arrogant, immature twat when I was 20.

YANBU

A's partner is not a kind person. He sounds nasty and sneery.

F.

To be honest, I’d feel quite insulted that A thought I’d join in the nastiness and laughter behind this chap’s back. Does it make her better thinking you hold the same snobbish opinion as her partner? I can imagine the three you laughing behind your hands at how superior you all are to this man. Nasty.