Why do we love our children so much

[Sonetimeswishiwasadog]

Sounds stupid, but not trying to be.

I adore my parents obviously and love my Dh and friends, but the child love is just so strong and intense. Is it because we carried them/they’re our dna? This doesn’t explain parents with adopted children and obviously the same love they have for them. Is it because we nurtured them, they were small and helpless?
I honestly think I could forgive my Dd anything and wouldn’t say that for anyone else, not even my parents

As a childfree person threads like this make me even more glad I never had them. Thank God I never had to live up to your impossibly high, self-erasing, guilt-inducing smug standards.

Nobody on this thread is being smug. In fact it's the opposite, we are saying our love for our Dc is overwhelming and out of our control. It's not something we're able to choose how much we love them and how strongly we feel so nobody is looking for any special recognition or praise.

Regardless if you have your own dc or not, you survived and are where you are today as your own mother (or some other parental figure in your life) felt that way about you. So for that alone you should be appreciative of the bond between parents and children.

This post has clearly triggered you, and if so, it may be an idea to spend less time on a parenting forum trolling posts where it is clear from the title that the topic is focussed on the love that mothers have for their children

I love my husband and daughter equally. Both are irreplaceable. He feels the same.

I love both my Dd and my DH but it's a completely different type of love.

Can't ever imagine being without DH but wouldn't describe it as unconditional as there are certain boundaries that if he were to cross the marriage would be over and I would fall out of love with him.

Can't even imagine anything my Dd could do that would make me stop loving her.

I also don't feel the same level of protectiveness or 'firerceness' towards DH as I do to my Dd.

I'd say my love for Dd is primal

So I have an adopted child and a birth child. I would walk through fire for both of them. I’m adopted myself so i don’t see any difference. Yes I have different worries for them, yes I am proud of them in different but equal ways, yes they both push my buttons in different but equal ways. The intense feeling I had for my adopted child was all consuming and at times overwhelming in the early days, whilst my birth child was a little calmer so my protectiveness kicked in first. Also children adore each other - usual sibling squabbles but they would - and have - shown teeth to anyone who would hurt the other. Most notably my birth child, who is gentle soul, has shown his inner lion at anyone who tries to be unkind to his sister.

I watched a programme a few years ago about motherhood. It described how mums basically never sleep deeply again after having children as they always have one hear listening for them crying. Dads don't usually get this, but if the mum is no longer in the picture then they develop it. My theory is that love is similar... if you know that you are the be all and end all when it comes to that child's welfare then you switch into a mode of deep unconditional love, because that's what the child (and the human race) needs to survive.

Majority of animal dads??? Few of them more likely. It's rarity. Often grandmothers have a bigger impact. Why do you do that, why do you create this romanticized view?

Definitely agree with this - my mum is a massive worrier and worries about me loads (even now I’m nearly 40!) to the point where it’s detrimental to her MH. I think that’s a reflection on the way her brain works rather than a reflection of the strength of her love. My DPs dad is a total non-worrier but clearly lives my DP just as strongly as my mum loves me. Love manifests itself differently for different people I think.

@Sullyssorryeyes @dynastyfan they know. As much as you try not show or be different they always know, always feel it. I did. Bless my adoptive mum, like the two of you she also thought she did hid it well but I always knew I was less than. It was a feeling and also minuscule differences in the way she looked at and touched her natural kids versus me.

I don't feel the same level of protectiveness towards DP as DCs. But DP is an adult. We are supposed to feel protective towards children.

I am with you on that, I also love my DD but don’t have those types of feelings described in the OP

I always assumed it was a chemical thing.

Interesting discussion! Place marking so I can come back to it.

We're biologically programmed to prioritise them. Our babies a nnot survive without a massive amount of mother input for a really long period of time.

I didn't feel a really overwhelming love but I did feel really protective. And very connected. I couldn't bear to be apart for more than 30 minutes for the first six months. I leaked and I ached.

It was more physical than emotional for quite a while.

Why not? There’s a massive evolutionary advantage to caring this much about our children, and given how rare adoption would have been in the past, very little selective pressure to restrict the desire to only biological children.

Why would not everyone feeling like this imply that it’s not a genetic trait?

The love I have for my children knows no bounds. I live for them. The youngest is 11 and I still look at them at least 10 times a day and feel overwhelming adoration for them. It's enough to bring tears to my eyes sometimes. Its also a protective feeling like no other. DD told me another girl rolled her eyes at her today and I felt a pure rage! Obviously I appeared calm and just gave DD appropriate advice on how to deal with that (I'm not unhinged 😅) But the thought of anybody hurting my children emotionally or physically, gives me an actual physical reaction. I would do absolutely anything for my children. My whole mission in life is to raise them to be happy and healthy adults, it takes precedent over everything. And I think that's the point. We are hardwired to feel that way. Luckily my DH feels the same way and it bond's us even more.

I think we're over the moon for them so we don't throttle them. 😉😂 The scariest thing to me is when they handed him to me, I realized there was no line. There is literally nothing I would not do, no dragon I won't fight, no pain I wouldn't welcome to keep him safe and happy. That is a very overwhelming and intimidating feeling.

It's good, too, because that little womb gremlin is 14 and cannot stop making excuses for poor grades. 🙄 Plus, honestly, I cannot wash your underwear if they are not in the hamper, you are almost a man, put your dirty clothes where they belong. 😂 Just a little peek into momhood at my house. 😋

The instinct and feeling of love for our own children is such a powerful evolutionary benefit, that it spills over into adopted children. Looking after someone else's children is still good for the species, even animals with big eyes etc cause us to want to look after them because they're so cute.

I'm notnsure why but I definitely think it stops you from behaving sensibly I need to.leave my marriage but the thought of not seeing my child every day stops me I couldn't live wouldn't seeing them daily so I put up with the shit so I can

I feel like a terrible auntie now for not feeling a tiny fraction of the love I have for my own kids for my nieces and nephews. I care about my biological ones, but my husband’s siblings’ kids are just kind of random kids to me - I care way more about the kids I teach or my kids’ friends. I’m pretty sure that isn’t normal but does anyone else feel similarly…?

@milkywinterdisorder Yes me too

I think it's quite insensitive and tone deaf of OP to write what she did. She is writing like everyone loves their children. When if she watched the news she would know that is certainly not the case.

May mother's abuse and harm their children. I was just reading Sinead o Connors (the singer) book. She said that mother used to torture her. She would make her lie on the floor and kick her in the stomach over and over.

My last boyfriend told me that he had a horrendous mother. He said that his mother used to call his sister "devils spawn".

All mother's certainly do not love their children

I think, what is biological is the tendency to love something that you see as "your child". Nurturing someone vulnerable, someone small and cute, someone that is completely dependent on you evokes certain responses in most of us and that is love. What I mean is that what is biological is this response in (most) humans to respond with love to someone that invokes in us the feelings that a child does. If that child carries your genes or not may not make such a big difference.

Evolutionary it makes sense that we have evolved to love our kids unconditionally. It ensures they have the best opportunity to survive (and procreate).

Everything you said resonates so much!

The thought of my own dc being hurt or upset physically causes me pain. My chest goes heavy and I would do anything to make it stop.

I think its all a mix of biology/nature/genetics but also social conditioning. I don't speak to my brother however when I heard he was seriously injured by someone, I was ready to fight them myself for hurting my flesh and blood. That goes to show there are intense feelings around genetics.

Unrelated children, I absolutely would put my life on the line to protect them. It feels instinctual to do so. I don't think everyone has these feeling though, not everyone ticks in the same way. Some will have been born without it, some will have developed mental health disorders that distorts it. I do think a large proportion of people do have these instincts though.