Why do we love our children so much

[Sonetimeswishiwasadog]

Sounds stupid, but not trying to be.

I adore my parents obviously and love my Dh and friends, but the child love is just so strong and intense. Is it because we carried them/they’re our dna? This doesn’t explain parents with adopted children and obviously the same love they have for them. Is it because we nurtured them, they were small and helpless?
I honestly think I could forgive my Dd anything and wouldn’t say that for anyone else, not even my parents

Indeed.

I think the question of why some people don't feel anything for children is just as interesting. It's always puzzled me because I am one.

If we are genetically pre-programmed to feel protective of children, then some of us obviously differ genetically. If it's a rush of hormones, then that doesn't explain intense paternal love because reproduction is a fire-and-forget proposition for males.

I never had children because I dislike them. The only emotions they provoke in me are negative, I will actively avoid children for that reason, and I don't feel any sort of urge to protect them or nurture them. My siblings have children but I have absolutely no interest in them and feel absolutely nothing for them. I certainly don't spend any time thinking about them, let alone 'worrying' about their wellbeing. I have no urge to actively harm children, I just don't feel in any way protective of them, indeed, the sound of a crying child makes me want to distance myself from them as quickly as possible.

I don't understand the intensity of the bond between most parents and their children because I'm obviously incapable of experiencing it, but at the same time, I'm just as baffled by people who harm children, and also by people who are totally ambivalent about them. It doesn't really make any sense why there is such a disparity between individuals of the same species.

Most of the time it’s simply primal. ‘Love’ is the only word in our vocabulary that can get near it, but it’s actually so much more than that. It’s not comparable to love in how we feel deeply for people - family, friends, spouses. It is the absolute programmed need to protect and care for our young at all costs, at any cost. It’s bloody intense but quite incredible. It makes parents who neglect and abuse their children even more awful, if someone lacks that inherent powerful need to care for their children, they truly are the most broken of people.

But there's biological parents who single out one child to abuse so works both ways. The majority of adoptive parents are great parents.

This is obvious in most cases where families get along. You grew up and had your own life as an adult, you then when on to birth your own child. Most of us look after our kids 24/7 and have been there from day 1 it's no surprise that most us love our babies unconditionally. Well it's not to me anyway!

Your parents are different because they are not a dependent. Although I have to say I love my nana terribly we have such a great bond I am her first/eldest granddaughter.

I have no urge to actively harm children, I just don't feel in any way protective of them, indeed, the sound of a crying child makes me want to distance myself from them as quickly as possible.

There have been studies done on sound pitches and volumes that adult humans like, dont like, a babies cry is at a pitch adult detest.

What age are your dc op? I think it's relevant as the intensity of the feelings subside a little as they go through their teens and into adulthood imo. I have adopted and birth dc and I don't love 'my own' more, I don't have favourites but the one I am closest too is adopted.

I also have a natural child and two adopted children.
I love all my children with everything I am but the love for my natural child is on another level.
I don't show it and never would but I understand her in a way I can never completely'get' my other two .
We are a large,loving,very happy family but it is different no matter how much I tried in the beginning to tell myself it wasn't.

Working in the NHS for over 20 years I've seen so much of this. FGM : I remember having to give a young girl painkillers i.v before we could examine her. None of us could speak for a good minute afterward. She wouldn't let go of my hand. I still don't understand.

My arse hole mother didn't get the memo.

For me it's the build up of memories more than "They're made of my DNA". Their little hands in mine. Their little voices yelling "MUM!! I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUU!". Christmases. Birthdays. Spending time togther. Selfishly knowing I'm loved for ME, not if I'm pretty or not or smart or not or rich or not, just me. Loving them because they bring me my happiness and take away my lonliness. Because they've made me a better person. That's just me personally.

I'm an adoptive parent and this describes it very well.

I don't get it. If I had a child like my sister I'd struggle to love her. She is so dreadful

I wonder if there is a difference as well when the parents love each other and are bonded?
My children are a mixture of me and the love of my life. They look like my family and the man I love , which makes me love them more i think and the fact that my husband looks like my children makes me love him more in a bonkers way!

We're programmed to in order for the species to survive.
This obviously isn't always the case otherwise we wouldn't have parents who kill, abuse or neglect their children but generally, enough to ensure the continued existence of the species, we're biologically driven to protect our children.

The parents are bonded? What does that even mean.

50% of marriages end. No one knows what their future holds

In love and a solid team is how I interpreted it.

Lots of people are not in relationships with the father of their children. Lots of people have used sperms banks etc

Not many mums do. The number who do is a very small percentage

Oxytocin because I feel that same way about one of my dogs too. We have 5 children, youngest is 14. When I look at my dogs face I think it is the most beautiful creation I have ever witnessed when objectively speaking she has a big massive staffy head on her but I melt every time. Same way as when my kids were little.

Not just mothers

Why do do many mothers abuse and harm their own children then?

As a social worker in my experience mothers who actively seek to harm their children are few and far between. Most have had significant trauma, their own experience of being patented is poor to put it mildly, they have untreated mental health issues. I can’t think of one who hasn’t had really significant challenges in their own background. I don’t say that to excuse bad parenting, nor does everyone who’s had a difficult start go on to harm their children but parenting capacity is a complex thing.

As an adoptive parent, I love my kids with every part of my being - they were older when placed with me so it wasn’t the “cute, helpless baby” thing. It was knowing they are mine, that they rely on me and that they need extra love and care to make up the gaps in their early years. They are fantastic kids and being so much into my life, how could I not love them.

I was a teacher for a long time before I was a parent, and I felt like this about my pupils. And these were teenagers! Had an intruder entered the classroom, I would have done anything to defend them. Once I had my daughter, I think I would have been less heroic for my pupils as I needed to stay alive for her. So it isn’t just about biology although that can have a stronger pull. My love for my daughter is immeasurable.

There’s a scene in The Last Kingdom where Uhtred and his band are trying to stop some others taking a group of children. None of the men are related to the children, but they stand in front of them putting themselves in mortal danger. Uhtred shouts ‘Protect the children! Defend them with your lives!’ The scene gave me shivers. It’s what adults do. It’s what we do.

Hormones and social conditioning

@VesperLynne don't you think you've massively gone off topic with FGM?? A lot of that is absolutely abhorrent in fact all of it is. It mainly stems from countries where it is the "norm". The people that are doing it have grown up with it and have done it themselves there's even lack of education about things like infection... I don't see how this is relevant to OP.

@Mooshamoo many people do bad things that are questionable why do we do anything? As the other poster pointed out its not just "mothers" it's people in general. God some of these comments 🙈

Well, my teenage daughters can be a total pain in the tits but I still love them to bits (pure poetry ).
It's honestly because I've carried them and loved them all these years. I can't imagine putting up with them if not