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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To band my sisters husband from Christmas.

82 replies

BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 20:12

We have all the family around for Christmas sis has not been for around 2 years as she tends to spend Christmas withh friends. August she announces she would like to come to us with dick had in tow ( we didn't know he was a dick head at rhe time) fine no problem. We have room for them to stay as they a travelling a long way.
Last week she rings up in tears as he has smacked her and apparently not the first time either.
I comfort her and help her to make plans to leave. She texts today to say they have talked things through and she hopes I can accept her decision and can they still stay at Christmas.
WIBU to say I don't want him in my house, near my home and staying in one of my beds or put up and shut up foe sake of her.
I have a child who is 7 that I don't really want him around. Miy instinct is to day that she is welcome but him not. I don't want to make things worse for her but I fucking hate him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 20:13

Sorry I meant should I ban not band.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2023 20:16

Oof. I wouldn’t want him in my home or around my children either. But she probably won’t come without him and you don’t want to help him isolate her from her loved ones.

I wouldn’t say anything about it for now. It often takes people several attempts to leave and hopefully she’ll feel able to ditch him for good in time. Try to be supportive rather than judgmental. Repeat how much you love her and want her to be safe.

The main issue is your sister is being abused, Christmas is surely a side issue for now.

DancingFruitForMeAndYou · 28/09/2023 20:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2023 20:21

Oh so the OP should welcome a violent man into her house, with her kid, at Christmas, should she?! Ffs.

Don’t have him in your house OP but keep communication open with your sister and keep on reaching out to her.

Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 20:21

@DancingFruitForMeAndYou So how do I have him my home for two days playing happy families? How do I keep my son safe? While also not rocking the boast. I hate this.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/09/2023 20:23

She won't leave him until she's ready, despite the abuse and whether or not he comes for Christmas.
Try not to fall out with her by banning him, let her know you'll support her and are always at the end of the phone if she needs you. Keep lines of communication open. Try not to let your totally understandable dislike of him stop her asking you for help in the future.

Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 20:24

@AnneLovesGilbert it's something she is worried about. She told all the family she was leaving and now wants to act like nothing happened. She has asked just yesterday if they can boh stay.

OP posts:
Gro · 28/09/2023 20:26

I would have them over. She needs to know you are there for her when she needs you. Hopefully one day she will see sense and leave and you can support her through that. If you don't have them for Christmas he could twist it in her mind that you don't want her or care for her.

It is such a difficult situation but she needs you (also if he is in your house you could accidentally poison him...) Joke!

CherryMaDeara · 28/09/2023 20:27

Definitely tell her she is welcome but he isn’t.

Don’t normalise his behaviour and reward it by letting him stay.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/09/2023 20:27

Tell her to take some time to think about her future with him, which is the most important thing and that you'll decide about christmas nearer the time.

Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 20:27

@Justmuddlingalong to be honest I'm just checking in withh her. Not even mentioned him. Making sure she is safe and trying to keep convo light despite my raging head. I want her to feel like she can call me any time. Oddly we don't et on but when it comes to it we stick together like glue!

OP posts:
Goldfishonabike · 28/09/2023 20:29

If you ban him she’ll likely not come by herself, thus spending Christmas alone with a violent man. Don’t do that to you sister. Let him come and make it clear to yo or sister that you’re worried about her and that domestic violence is never acceptable and that you think she should leave him, but that she is always welcome at your house, with or without him. As long as there is no threat to your or your kids’ safety.

Nutsabouttopic · 28/09/2023 20:30

Why are you worried about rocking the boat. Your first duty is to your child. What are you going to do if dickhead kicks off . Your child will be a witness to it. Christmas ruined. Your sister hasn't been around at Christmas for a few years preferring her friends company. It will be her choice whether she comes or not, alone. Nothing will change until she decides to leave him, have him arrested or he kills her. Harsh but true. Been there with a sil. Put your DC first , Christmas is for them

Justmuddlingalong · 28/09/2023 20:31

That's all you can do really. But I wouldn't avoid mentioning his behaviour. It sounds like because she's decided to forgive him, she's hoping everyone else glosses over it too.

plumtreebroke · 28/09/2023 20:33

I'm not up to it, but my mother would have got him on the doorstep on the way in and told him what a ... he was and if he did anything in her house what she would ... do. And mean it wish I was that strong.

IhaveaBigBum · 28/09/2023 20:34

The fact he has the brass neck to actually come stay at your house and face your sister's entire family, when he should be dying of shame for hitting her, probably tells you all you need to know about him.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 28/09/2023 20:35

Tbh she needs to accept her staying with him has repercussions...

KrisAkabusi · 28/09/2023 20:35

I've had this exact situation. We witnessed my sister being abused by her husband. She is welcome to visit us at any time. He knows he's not allowed in our house. Neither of them have visited in the last 18 months, but that is her choice. I still talk on the phone with my sister and see her at mum's house occasionally.

Patchesofdrizzle · 28/09/2023 20:36

I wouldn't have him either, and I don't think she can expect the whole family to forgive him and pretend the abuse never happened just because that what she wants to do.

Refusing to have him to stay let's her know that what he did is not OK with you, that it's not acceptable behaviour, and this may help her to decide to end the relationship.

You won't be making her spend Christmas alone with a violent man, as some pps have said, she will decide if she wants Christmas with him, he'll decide if he wants to hit her.

JC89 · 28/09/2023 20:38

I would not be allowing someone known to be violent stay in my house with my child. He may be more likely to kick off at Christmas (e.g. if he is drinking) and there is a risk that he would be violent either towards your child or to your sister and your child would see. Make sure your sister knows she is welcome whenever, but he is not. Let's hope she leaves him by Christmas!

dreamingbohemian · 28/09/2023 20:39

Refusing to have him to stay let's her know that what he did is not OK with you, that it's not acceptable behaviour, and this may help her to decide to end the relationship.

Exactly. I've been in similar situations a couple times with friends and it later turned out that this refusal to normalise things did help a lot in deciding to leave.

You can still be there for her without having him in your house.

Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 20:43

YANBU

But this will also most likely stop your sister coming too and he’ll possibly ask her to choose between him and you for the foreseeable.

I couldn’t have him in my house though and I’d be telling him exactly why.

MsLavender · 28/09/2023 20:47

Don't let him, chances are he'll be drinking and it will be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone at best. Don't risk him kicking off in your home, put your child first. I say this as someone who dealt with violence and aggression every single Christmas as a child, each one ruined, I wouldn't celebrate at all if it wasn't for having a child myself.

Daffodilwoman · 28/09/2023 20:49

I would tell her no, she is welcome to come but the wife beater isn’t. Doesn’t mean you fall out with her.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 28/09/2023 20:51

Terrible situation. There are no winners here.