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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To band my sisters husband from Christmas.

82 replies

BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 20:12

We have all the family around for Christmas sis has not been for around 2 years as she tends to spend Christmas withh friends. August she announces she would like to come to us with dick had in tow ( we didn't know he was a dick head at rhe time) fine no problem. We have room for them to stay as they a travelling a long way.
Last week she rings up in tears as he has smacked her and apparently not the first time either.
I comfort her and help her to make plans to leave. She texts today to say they have talked things through and she hopes I can accept her decision and can they still stay at Christmas.
WIBU to say I don't want him in my house, near my home and staying in one of my beds or put up and shut up foe sake of her.
I have a child who is 7 that I don't really want him around. Miy instinct is to day that she is welcome but him not. I don't want to make things worse for her but I fucking hate him.

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 28/09/2023 20:53

If she chooses to stay with someone who hits her that’s her issue (I believe it takes a considerable number of attempts to leave often before it finally happens) but absolutely I would not be letting him come, she can, but not him

MeridianB · 28/09/2023 20:53

There’s no way in a million years I’d allow the scumbag in my house.

I’d tell her this now to get it straight asap and then do everything else possible to support her and keep comms open.

Onabench · 28/09/2023 20:56

I honestly don’t know what I’d do. I do know that abusers like to isolate their partners. From their family, from their friends. You uninvititng them would suit them very well and she needs support.

BrightLightTonight · 28/09/2023 20:59

You need to bite your tongue. one day in the future your sister needs to know you are there - if you ban her OH now, she will have no-where to turn

HiCandles · 28/09/2023 21:04

I worry that banning him will have the effect of him having a go at her, asking what she's said about him, etc etc and she'll bear the physical and emotional brunt of it. I think I'd engineer to be going to my in laws this year to avoid having to say yes or no tbh. Definitely wouldn't want him in my home but I'd find it hard to knowingly allow my sister to be hurt for my decision.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2023 21:04

No. You don’t have to:

• normalise violence by welcoming a known violent man into your home.

• put your own child and their sense of safety in their home in danger in order to pacify a situation which will never be ok.

• Play nice with an abuser in direct opposition to every feeling you have.

You can, and perhaps should:

• have clear boundaries (your sister is always welcome but he is not).

• Stick to these boundaries whilst being reliable and consistent in reaching out to your sister and suggesting meet ups with just her.

• Tell your sister you love her and will always be there for her.

• Offer up any info about services she may need in future eg Women’s Aid.

spuddel · 28/09/2023 21:08

If you invite them both you are essentially saying you know the man who more than once hit your sister is welcome. No chance in hell is that the correct behaviour and it's not you that's isolating her, it's him. The sooner she sees that, the sooner she may leave.

Why on earth should your family Christmas be spent on eggshells around this violent specimen?

Gowlett · 28/09/2023 21:13

My DH is no longer is no longer welcome at family events.
He kicked off at my sister’s wedding. So he’s not invited.

I just tell him straight to his face that’s the reason why.
He gets pissed off, but it’s all his own doing. Ban him, I say.

Original poster

BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 21:13

For those suggesting I just don't say anything and let them stay. What do I do about my son. I'm totally torn between wanting to tell him to fuck off and then alphabestise his body parts because he is an abusing shit bag, protect my son and also keep my sister safe.
I'm worried he'll kick off and my son will see it but also worriesd that if I said no she would be stuck alone with him all Christmas. No one else has the space for them.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2023 21:16

OP do not be pressurised into allowing a violent man into your child’s home.

End of story. Now think of other ways to support your sister.

Original poster

BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 21:16

@Gowlett do you mind me asking please feel free not to answer but is he violent towards you? I'm worried he'll work out why he isn't invited. I'm not sure he is aware we know.

OP posts:

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/09/2023 21:24

You need to speak with your sister to find out if he knows you know.

She could end up in a very dangerous position, so really you need to clarify things first.

Gowlett · 28/09/2023 21:26

No, not violent to me. But started a fight at the wedding.
He has anger issues, and could go that way. It’s possible.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 28/09/2023 21:29

No way on hell I'd have him.

You say "sorry, but in light of what you've told me I do not want this man in my home. You are always welcome, as you know, and I really would love it if you came for Xmas with your family"

Bluebellsbells · 28/09/2023 21:30

You sister is making bad choices and not fully realising the implications of these.

If I was in your position I would role model good decisions and say, "I'm sorry sis but he physically assaulted you, you may accept this as ok, but I can't and will not put my son in a situation where someone who is physically aggressive stays in our home. The risk is too great and I wouldn't be a responsible parent if I did. This is a non negotiable in my life I will not accept physical aggression for any reason and I can't put my child or family in that position. I understand you have a different level of acceptance towards this behaviour and would love you to still come, but this must be on your own."

This doesn't mean you don't support her or won't in the future but you are role modelling barriers she is not using.

UneFoisAuChalet · 28/09/2023 21:31

Oof it’s a tough one OP. No way would I want a wife beater in my house, especially at Christmas, but I also wouldn’t want my sister away from her family.

I would have them over and fuck with his head. Give him real evils whilst I’m slicing the turkey but then smiling sweetly as I offer him a chocolate from the selection box. Basically, make him feel uncomfortable and unsure of himself but never giving him the opportunity to pinpoint why or how and more importantly, making sure my sister cannot experience any backlash.

And then I would secretly pray, he behaves so badly - with witnesses around - that it triggers my sister into leaving him on the spot. Kind of a ‘if you give him enough rope he’ll hang himself’ situation.

Horrible situation OP. It all lays with your sister - how much she is willing to take and for how long - for this fucking ‘prince’.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 28/09/2023 21:31

I'd be praying that she's dumped him by Christmas, tbh!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 28/09/2023 21:32

She doesn't have to be stuck alone though, does she?
She has the choice to be with you and your family. Or with him

You do not need to bear the burden of having the violent man there just to have your sister.

And if your sister chooses him, then so be it..

Choccybear20 · 28/09/2023 21:35

It’s sad but your child has to come first. Make it clear to your sister she’s welcome at your house anytime but he is never to step over your doorstep and as far as you’re concerned she needs to end it.

Itll either give her the wake up call she needs or sadly lead her to feeling even more isolated and at risk. She’s an adult through and it’s her choice. I just could not eat dinner with a man I knew was abusing my sister I’d want to kill him and by sitting back and entertaining them in your house you’re saying it’s okay.

Mouthfulofquiz · 28/09/2023 21:36

I’ve been in almost the same boat. I decided that although I love my family member, I won’t have my own children thinking he is ‘fun uncle Steve’ when he is an abusive man and I won’t have him influencing the way they grow up to treat others. Tough decision. It has strained the relationship which makes me feel really sad but she has capacity I feel so that is her decision. I wish she had never met him.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 28/09/2023 21:39

I think you have to do what you know is right and that is not to normalise his violent behaviour. Tell your sister she is always welcome but he is not. Nobody else is responsible for his behaviour but him.

Natbro · 28/09/2023 21:45

He wouldnt step foot through my door if he hit my sister.

varywary · 28/09/2023 21:45

@BannedfromChristmas You are surely not seriously thinking about this?

Your sister can stay, obviously. Her abusive OH is not welcome. If she won't come if he can't come, then that's her choice.

Your own young child has to be more of a priority than anyone else in this scenario.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 28/09/2023 21:46

Everyone saying it’s a tough one seems to be overlooking your son. It’s not a difficult decision to say you can’t have a violent and unpredictable man around your child, your sister isn’t ready to leave yet but that isn’t your son’s fault. The husband cannot come.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 28/09/2023 21:50

I wouldn’t want him there. But if you don’t invite him you are putting your sister in a difficult position. She will have to lie and find an excuse for both of them not to go. If he realises she told you about the abuse he could get upset and make it worse. Your sister needs support, not to be isolated. It’s very difficult to leave an abusive partner. Women are killed everyday trying to leave.

Another option is to invite him and treat him the same as you normally would. When you get the chance to be alone with your sister you can talk to her and make a plan to leave. Maybe you know someone unconnected she can stay with. It also gives you the chance to observe them. For example if he won’t let her go anywhere without him. That gives you an indication how bad it is.

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