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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To band my sisters husband from Christmas.

82 replies

BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 20:12

We have all the family around for Christmas sis has not been for around 2 years as she tends to spend Christmas withh friends. August she announces she would like to come to us with dick had in tow ( we didn't know he was a dick head at rhe time) fine no problem. We have room for them to stay as they a travelling a long way.
Last week she rings up in tears as he has smacked her and apparently not the first time either.
I comfort her and help her to make plans to leave. She texts today to say they have talked things through and she hopes I can accept her decision and can they still stay at Christmas.
WIBU to say I don't want him in my house, near my home and staying in one of my beds or put up and shut up foe sake of her.
I have a child who is 7 that I don't really want him around. Miy instinct is to day that she is welcome but him not. I don't want to make things worse for her but I fucking hate him.

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 28/09/2023 21:51

It's really important your DSis is not isolated from her family and friends.

I sympathise with the urge to have nothing to do with him, but I think it's the wrong tactics.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 28/09/2023 21:51

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 28/09/2023 21:46

Everyone saying it’s a tough one seems to be overlooking your son. It’s not a difficult decision to say you can’t have a violent and unpredictable man around your child, your sister isn’t ready to leave yet but that isn’t your son’s fault. The husband cannot come.

Exactly

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2023 22:00

Fucking hell. The posters pressurising the OP to welcome this pos into her home.

OP is allowed boundaries and they shouldn’t be violated to placate a violent and worthless man.

Ginger1982 · 28/09/2023 22:01

Nope. I would say no, he's not welcome. If she chooses to stay with him, then that's her choice. This is someone she's been with only since August? No kids? No reason for her to feel any need to 'stay.'

Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 22:03

@Ginger1982 she announced in August that she is coming they have been together about 7 years!

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 28/09/2023 22:03

You should have her over and not isolate her more and he is hardly going to turn on your son. She needs your support but can you not meet up with her for a coffee and walk and chat just the two of you and just let her talk and tell her you are there for her. She has to be ready to leave and he will break her down until she is a shell of herself and hopefully she will leave before it reaches that point. If you cannot stand him to be there then just be open and tell her how you feel and how it is him you are angry at but she will most likely tell him as she is controlled by him and she will be isolated from you further. Maybe ring womens refuge and ask for advise on how to handle this situation and how she can have her eyes opened that he will get worse and not better.

Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 22:07

To be honest my choice one minute is to not.let him in TBH I don't think he would behave badly I front of he family even if he did stay. But then I feel like it's reinforcing his behaviour even though he doesn't know I know. Then again I think of her alone with him 200 miles away form anyone who can come get her over Christmas and having to explain why they are not welcome. Why is it that men like this command so much headache 😫

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 28/09/2023 22:08

Absolutely no fucking chance would I have that piece of shit in my home. As much as I love my family, no fucker would be bringing someone like that into my child’s life. No fucking way. Nope, nope, NO.
You need to be absolutely clear to your sister, don’t mince your words. She is choosing to stay with him and you don’t want him anywhere near your child. She’s welcome, he’s not.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2023 22:08

If your sister was a recovering alcoholic and she demanded booze in your home at Christmas, even though you know one drink would set her off, and there was a chance she would be aggressive to your kid when drunk…would you oblige her?

Don't infantilise her. Hold the line. Upkeep your boundaries and protect your child and your safe space.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/09/2023 22:11

Sometimes there is no right answer. That's the starting point. You cannot choose a course which will meet everyone's need sin this case.

If you let him come and play nice you have a violent abuser in your house with you, your child and your sister. You normalise his abuse. But she is with your and not isolated.

If you let them come and kick off, as above but less safe and she will end up isolated.

You don't have them, she is isolated but you're safe, so is your son and it's not normalised.

The reason there is is right answer is that he has created this situation. Deliberately. That's not your fault. The only piece of advice I would actually give you is to make sure she knows there is always a bed/sofa at yours for her without him. Any time, day or night 365 days a year.

My friend left her arsehole middle of the night and used my sofa so sometimes people manage it.

Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 22:12

We have never had any hint of aggression before from him, my son loves him but that's how these men operate isn't it. We have known him for several years, lots of seemingly happy tipsy evenings. I hate this for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 22:13

@MrsTerryPratchett you speak so much sense thank you 😊

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/09/2023 22:14

BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 22:13

@MrsTerryPratchett you speak so much sense thank you 😊

My grammar wasn't great so I'm glad you understood.

I hope it all works out.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2023 22:15

Your son loves him? You want to continue to facilitate a relationship between your child and this man?

It’s clear that you shouldn’t have him in your house. But you don’t seem to be clear on that. You can’t do both things OP. Sometimes it’s tough doing the thing you need to do to protect your kid. You’re worried it’ll make you unpopular? Like you’re the one causing the problem? Well just be brave and deal with that.

Otherwise you’re allowing a relationship between your impressionable son and this violent man.

Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 22:15

It's odd as we don't get on at all, we have funny relationship but she knows I love her and at any time of day or night she is welcome in my house. We might argue like he'll the next day but she is always welcome.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 28/09/2023 22:17

Your answers are pretty cyclical OP.

Original poster
BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 22:18

@AtrociousCircumstance , no I didn't say that I want to maintain a relationship with him and my son did I? I just don't think he would kick off around family he had never kicked off in all the years we have known him and all this time he has been abusing her. I'm just emphasising the fact that he can be so many different things.

OP posts:
varywary · 28/09/2023 22:19

Then again I think of her alone with him 200 miles away form anyone who can come get her over Christmas and having to explain why they are not welcome

Maybe she needs to hear the truth. Her OH is not welcome because he is abusive, and you don't want someone who is abusive in the same house as your 7 yr old.

Abusers thrive on silence.

Ginger1982 · 28/09/2023 22:20

BannedfromChristmas · 28/09/2023 22:03

@Ginger1982 she announced in August that she is coming they have been together about 7 years!

Sorry, my mistake!

Isometimeswonder · 28/09/2023 22:24

I would imagine someone like him would create a situation whereby they can't come for Christmas. Eg a big argument, emotional blackmail etc.
This would be part of the pattern.
There is no way a bully like him will be outnumbered by his partner's victim's family.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/09/2023 22:26

It's a tricky one.

You don't want to isolate her / put distance between you as she clearly needs help and support more than ever.

Simultaneously you should not have him in your house - for your child and also because It condones him behaviour and normalises his abuse.

I'd be aiming to get her out before Xmas. Can you do a weekend or something with her? Can you tell your parents? Or other siblings?

nadine90 · 28/09/2023 22:29

Do you get much opportunity to talk to your sister alone op?
I would do is tell her that she is of course welcome in your home anytime, no matter what; even if you’ve fallen out, not spoken for months, whatever. Tell her that you both know that she needs to leave this man, and that you will help her in any way you can. Tell her you know that it is hard and that it may take her time to come to terms with that, and you don’t judge her for not feeling ready to leave right now.
But ultimately, you simply cannot have this man in your home. Because when he hurt her, he hurt you too. Because you have to safeguard your son and the peace in your home. Tell her that if she wants to, she can tell him you have to go to your in laws this Christmas, and you will pretend that’s the case if the need arises.
It is so so hard to try and hold on to a relationship with someone who is with an abusive partner. If he feels your disapproval, he will do everything to drive a wedge between you and isolate your sister. But you have to keep boundaries, not just for you and your little family, but to keep showing your sister that his behaviour should not and will not be tolerated.
Best of luck op, I will cross everything that she leaves him asap xxx

Actupfishy · 28/09/2023 22:31

Actually stunned by those trying to tell the OP to have him over. Not a chance in hell a scumbag wife beater would be welcome in my home.

MiniBossFromAus · 28/09/2023 22:32

All of you sitting around playing happy families feeds this fuckers notions that his behaviour is OK.

Don't have him at Christmas or ever. Your sister needs love, support and a family who make it clear that abusers are not welcome.

Joeylove88 · 28/09/2023 22:32

It's a really tricky situation. I have a friend who spent months on end telling me about the physical and verbal abuse from her OH, called me and my partner up crying almost uncontrollably for help because he had been so terrible. She ended up staying with him and insisted that he had changed and that it was partly her fault why he was the way he was blah blah well now my partner and I have been made to look like bad friends because I didn't just want to pretend and carry on like nothing had happened and she of course didn't like that and now we aren't close anymore and she's still with him. It's a crap situation to be in and either choice is not easy. In your shoes I wouldn't be able to let him in my house near my child. I would do as others have said and keep the line of communication open with your sister as long as she knows you love her and care she will hopefully come to her senses.