To expect some help from my mum ...

[Lalallals248]

I'm going through a hard time at the minute so I apologise if this is mostly me venting, but I do want some advice on whether I'm being fair or not. My relationship with my husband isn't working out and I have a baby. I live next door to my mum and dad and my mum doesn't work. When I was pregnant, she promised that she'd help me, give me support, etc, etc, but so far she hasn't helped at all with the baby, even though matters have been complicated since with my marriage failing. She will have my oldest children happily because she doesn't have to do anything with them; she can lie down and just let them do as they please, but she won't have the baby because he's harder work.
I'm struggling with the baby atm. I think I might be starting with a bit of PND so I've made a doctors' appointment. She knows I'm struggling and feeling overwhelmed with the baby and my marriage but she won't even ask me if I'm okay or give me a hug, let alone take the baby for a minute so I can breathe. He's going through a clingy phase and it is hard. Three times in the past week she's walked past me - either at her house or mine - as I've been sat crying and hasn't said a word to me. Each time I've been really upset and asked her to have him she's told me she'll have him if she can take him out in his pram, but by the time I ask her I'm too overwhelmed to get it out of the car, build it, wheel it through my house, fight it through the back garden to get to her house, and get him ready so that she can take him out. I just want her to hold him for a bit but she won't and when I say no to the pram she says 'well, I offered' and that's the end of it.
Today it's come to a head because I was upset this morning - crying on my sofa with the baby crying again (he's non stop atm) - and she came into my house to use my prep machine to make milk for her dogs' puppies and said nothing to me. My kitchen and front room are connected so she definitely saw me and heard, but she just walked out when she was done like it was all fine. It's come to a head now because I yelled at her that I'm fed up of her just walking past me when I'm sad and I need her to be a mum and help me but her response was that she isn't listening because I'm shouting at her and she just left. She also keeps saying that she shouldn't have to help because she's had her kids and me having a 3rd baby was my choice, which is why I think I might be in unreasonable, but it's all about her being a babysitter; I'd just like her to ask how I am and have a conversation with me. Atm whenever we talk it's about her. if I say I feel down she says 'everyone does'. My husband's granddad died recently and I saw his body. I don't deal with seeing the dead very well, as she knows, but she hasn't even asked me how it's affected my current mindset and if I'm okay with it. She's jsut gone on about how hard it is for her when she hears about his passing because it reminds her of her mum going. Literally no thought is given to me and I'm sick of it but I don't know if i'm just being selfish. Am I?
Thanks if you got this far x

She might feel lkke you are trying to guilt her with all the crying.
also you can’t make her help you, she is an adult and get to decide for herself.

I'm not trying to guilt her, I'm genuinely feeling sad. I'm crying in my own house which she walks into without knocking. She then uses my stuff and leaves without looking at me. I don't want to make her help me by any means, my point is more as my mum, do you think she should care or not?

Can she not just hold him while you get the pram out? In terms of getting him ready, all he needs is a little cardi or coat and a hat and blankets. Or you could put him in a bouncer seat while you get it ready.

You chose to have all these children why if you can't hope, people need to take responsibility for their own choices she nice if she helps but she does not have too

Why don’t you ask if your dad can help? He lives next door too, right?

@WandaWonder I think I mentioned in my post that she encouraged me to get pregnant because she wanted a little one around.
Also, I can cope with my children, but I didn't expect to find out at 8 months pregnant that my husband who'd also decided to have the children was cheating on me so I'd have to go it alone. If I'd have known that, obviously I wouldn't have had another.
It's clear I'm being unreasonable to expect kindness from my mother. I just hope my children know that I won't leave them and use their stuff without asking if they're okay when they're older.

I know you're not getting on with your husband but I'm assuming they are his kids too? What's he doing?

Get the pram out of the car and sort it. It will be ready then. Or get a buggy for your mum to use.

@fitzwilliamdarcy my dad works away a lot but when he's home he gives me a hug when I cry. Mum walks past which is more the issue than the babysitting.

“and she came into my house to use my prep machine to make milk for her dogs' puppies and said nothing to me.”

Woah… this is not normal behaviour. What mother just ignores their child and grandchild whilst helping herself to your stuff?

What’s the backstory here? How has your relationship been in the past/growing up? Has she done lots for you in the past?

Living next to each other sounds a bit enmeshed and unhealthy. Of course you’re not unreasonable to want emotional support from your mother, though on mumsnet you’ll be told it’s out of order to expect any kind of help. There’s a huge difference between wanting a bit of love and sympathy and asking for childcare 3 days a week.

@Seeline she has a buggy already, a joie one, but doesnt like it because, in her words, it isn't as 'posh' as my pram and she wants that one.

Accept she isn't going to help and lock the doors/change the locks/ask for her keys back.

Why do you say no to the pram? If that's the only thing in your way just set it up.
I can appreciate you needing some support but I think you are expecting way too much and only really thinking of yourself in every situation, was it her father that passed?

Wow. That's a stunning lack of empathy from anyone to walk past someone crying and not do or say something. Which seems to have overspilled into this thread

There's a lot to unpick here

Pnd. Have you spoken to your midwife/health care visitor. I do think that's a strong possibility especially considering your marriage. Can you speak to someone? Get a support network?

Your husband. I'm sorry you found out he cheated on you when pregnant. What's the status now? How do you feel? What do you want to do? It's an awful lot to deal with. Do you have someone you can talk to about all of this?

Your mum. Has she always been like this? She lacks empathy from your post. Is this a recent thing (a reaction to your third child) or a more continued thing? I find lack of empathy is the key sign for often bigger issues.

But I think the important thing is do you have anyone else around you? Sounds like you just need someone who's got your back right now.

@RandomButtons Thank you, this is more my point. Everyone else seems to be acting like my main issue is babysitting, but it really isn't. It's the fact that she doesn't actually seem to care about me at all. It'd be great if she'd hold the baby - not for hours, just for a minute so I can wipe my eyes -, but a hug and a 'are you okay' instead of leaving me after using my stuff is more what I meant. I only mentioned the pram story to show how instead f helping me, she seems intent on putting more stress on me.
No, I've always been very independent and looked after my mum. She's smoked a lot of weed in the past and struggled. I remember being 11 and her telling everyone I was her rock, not the other way around. I just need some help right now. My husband's been cheating on me, my world has been rocked, and she doesn't care. And I'm not saying she should have to step into his shoes, but if we're to have a relationship moving forward, it has to be one where she's kind. If she isn't, what's the point in us even bothering?

@Lalallals248
I think you're getting some unnecessarily harsh responses here. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

I wonder how many of the people answering have had a cheating husband at 8 months pregnant, have been a single parent or have suffered crushing depression? I also wonder how many have actually had normal, supportive mum who would want to help and comfort their daughter if she was going through a terrible time.

You aren't unreasonable to want help and support from your mum. Sadly though, you can't make someone be something they aren't. That doesn't mean it won't hurt though.

Have you got any good friends you can reach out to? When I suffered a mental health breakdown a few years ago, my friends were my absolute rock (along with dh, to be fair)

@sodthesodoff crossed post but totally agree

@TomatoSandwiches She has her own buggy - well, one that's in her house - but she wants the pram because it's nicer. She doesn't like to use the 'cheap buggy'.
It wasn't her dad, it was my husband's granddad. Nothing to do with her at all. I saw the dead body and she didn't ask if I was okay, just went on about herself.
Clearly I'm in the wrong though so thanks,

Your mum doesn’t sound very nice so YANBU to feel that. I sympathise (NC with mine).

I think where YABU is in expecting her to fill the void of your partner. The job of your own parents isn’t to be a co-parent to yours. Yes in an ideal world she’d take baby out and give you some peace, but the person whose job this is is the other parent.

It all sounds quite enmeshed - allowing her to encourage you to have another baby, her letting herself into your house etc. I think perhaps it’d be helpful if you had some boundaries between you.

@Lalallals248
I am sorry you’ve been met by some harsh and unfair comments on here. Sadly I think on MN some people jump on a thread to deliberately make someone feel worse.

I think your mum’s lack of empathy is not fair at all and I’d be inclined to lock the door so she can’t just come in and use your stuff.

do you have any good friends locally? Try to get as many big hugs off your dad when he’s around and lower your expectation of your mum, both practically and emotionally.

She sounds quite selfish then, has she always been like this? I would do what pp says and take back her keys, at least that will reduce the frequency of her ignoring you when you're upset.
Have you got anyone else around that you can yalk to?

I don't usually post but just jumping on to say you are not being unreasonable! 🥺 I'm not sure why everybody jumped on you with the negative comments when you first posted!

I would be heartbroken if my mum treated me that way. I can't imagine ever treating my daughter like that. I'm so sorry you're going through this 💐 a clingy baby is a VERY hard thing to be going through, especially alone!

@fitzwilliamdarcy I really think it's come across wrong ... I don't want her to fill the void left by my partner or look after the baby 24/7. I mean more as in when I'm clearly crying in my house and she's there, could she just hold him for a second? Not have him all day. And when I'm overwhelmed and genuinely crying my heart out, could she hold him for a minute instead of saying she'll hold him but only on the caveat that she can take him out in the nice pram?
I'm not asking for her to have him by any means. I'm asking for her to be nice to me and maybe hold him for a minute or two.

No her behaviour is not normal, and doesn’t sound like it ever has been. You were parenting her at 11 years old? Please stop and think hard about that. That’s not normal. That’s abuse.

I think there is a very sad possibly here that she is too wrapped up in her own head to see beyond her own needs. I’m sorry you don’t have the support there, but I’m not convinced she is going to change.

You are getting a hard time in this thread - the brood of AIBU vipers are out in force today. I strongly encourage you to post in relationships- look at the stately home thread and you might find you’re not alone in having to navigate this on your own.

Also please make an appointment with s gp - you don’t have to manage PND on your own.

I dont think you re wrong. My mum would come and help me especially if she sees im struggling she has also long term health issues and last week stayed to help me took the baby out for a bit let me sleep.. i dont think its normal for a mother to watch her child stuggling and say or do nothing.

That sounds really tough for you OP.

I would honestly give up on your mum, sounds like there is also a history there. Please stop giving her giving access to your house and definitely don’t let her use your prep machine unless she is also willing to clean it!

Do you have any friends you can rely on for help?