To expect some help from my mum ...

[Lalallals248]

I'm going through a hard time at the minute so I apologise if this is mostly me venting, but I do want some advice on whether I'm being fair or not. My relationship with my husband isn't working out and I have a baby. I live next door to my mum and dad and my mum doesn't work. When I was pregnant, she promised that she'd help me, give me support, etc, etc, but so far she hasn't helped at all with the baby, even though matters have been complicated since with my marriage failing. She will have my oldest children happily because she doesn't have to do anything with them; she can lie down and just let them do as they please, but she won't have the baby because he's harder work.
I'm struggling with the baby atm. I think I might be starting with a bit of PND so I've made a doctors' appointment. She knows I'm struggling and feeling overwhelmed with the baby and my marriage but she won't even ask me if I'm okay or give me a hug, let alone take the baby for a minute so I can breathe. He's going through a clingy phase and it is hard. Three times in the past week she's walked past me - either at her house or mine - as I've been sat crying and hasn't said a word to me. Each time I've been really upset and asked her to have him she's told me she'll have him if she can take him out in his pram, but by the time I ask her I'm too overwhelmed to get it out of the car, build it, wheel it through my house, fight it through the back garden to get to her house, and get him ready so that she can take him out. I just want her to hold him for a bit but she won't and when I say no to the pram she says 'well, I offered' and that's the end of it.
Today it's come to a head because I was upset this morning - crying on my sofa with the baby crying again (he's non stop atm) - and she came into my house to use my prep machine to make milk for her dogs' puppies and said nothing to me. My kitchen and front room are connected so she definitely saw me and heard, but she just walked out when she was done like it was all fine. It's come to a head now because I yelled at her that I'm fed up of her just walking past me when I'm sad and I need her to be a mum and help me but her response was that she isn't listening because I'm shouting at her and she just left. She also keeps saying that she shouldn't have to help because she's had her kids and me having a 3rd baby was my choice, which is why I think I might be in unreasonable, but it's all about her being a babysitter; I'd just like her to ask how I am and have a conversation with me. Atm whenever we talk it's about her. if I say I feel down she says 'everyone does'. My husband's granddad died recently and I saw his body. I don't deal with seeing the dead very well, as she knows, but she hasn't even asked me how it's affected my current mindset and if I'm okay with it. She's jsut gone on about how hard it is for her when she hears about his passing because it reminds her of her mum going. Literally no thought is given to me and I'm sick of it but I don't know if i'm just being selfish. Am I?
Thanks if you got this far x

Your mother sounds very cold and cruel to me. It's obvious that you are struggling and in a very bad place at the moment with the breakdown of marriage, a new baby and PND and you should be able to count on some support from your own family.

It is clear that your mother is not the person you need right now, do you have any other support network e.g. a good friend, sister, that you can talk to any ask for support over the short term e.g. to address PND

I hope things do improve for you.
In regards to your mother I'd lock her out but I suspect even just tv watching your elder children will be helpful in some ways.

@MariaVT65 well i didn't realise but i've just been to use it now for my baby and it's not been filled up, she left it flashing red. Urgh.

Not all parents are willing to help with their grandchildren. It's a painful lesson to learn but it happens

My parents were so excited about my sisters children and we had them over all the time (because I was there to help with the night feeds etc)

Now I've had my own my parents have kept a very wide berth and never so much as offered to have her for an afternoon, neither has my sister come to think of it.

The long and short of it is, they don't have to, as shitty as it is, it's your child and your responsibility. Just don't be in a rush to help them out in future when they need you. That's my stance on it now!

Honestly change your locks. She had no right to treat you this way. What an utterly selfish woman.

Can you move away from her? This sounds very unhealthy. Her being around and not helping at all is worse for you than being on your own.

@MyPurpleHeart I think that's how I'm going to be. I think part of what's missing in the post is what I do for her. It isn't all me taking. My dad has problems with his legs and mum doesn't like driving so I regularly shop for them, take them places they need to go (such as dad to work this morning), I look after the puppies while she goes and gets her nails done, pay for milk etc for the puppies when she needs me to go shopping and get it for her, basically anything she asks of me I do. Which is how i feel it should be in a nice relationship - I like helping her. It isn't all taking. But I'm annoyed because she isn't helping me.

OP I'm sorry you've been let down so badly by the people who are meant to love you and hold you up. Your mum sounds like an unreliable waster and you'd be well advised to cut her off. God knows she'll be expecting you to run around after her when she's old and frail - don't do it!

Go to see the GP about your anxiety and depression, and in the short term at least get medicated so you can cope day to day. Divorce your shitbag husband. Move somewhere cheaper and far away from your bitch mother with your children, who will be your reason to get up and push through all this shit to get to the other side.

Do you have any other support network to lean on - siblings, friends? You need to reach out. But stop expecting anything from your mother. The fact she leant on you as a child shows she doesn't respect her own role as your mother, so stop expecting her to act like one. She's a taker, a drain. Cut her off.

Everything is very shit right now. In two years time, it could all be just as shit or it could be so much better. Plan your better future, map out a path towards it and get walking. You can do this.

Oh you are having a rough time of it!!
Your mum has no empathy. My ex was exactly the same. Unfortunately, you're stuck with your mum!! It sounds like there have always been issues and you cannot rely on her for physical or emotional help.

Can you swap buggies with her, let her have the posh one.
I'd also change your locks.
Go go the drs about possible PND
Make sure your husband steps up and has all the kids when he is not working.
Spend time with your dad whenever you can
I hope things start looking brighter soon x

I agree with this too

I just feel there's so much going on. That's why I tried to unpick it all. It might make more sense for the op to figure out what's happening with her marriage first.

Maybe a clean start away from this shower of arses would be an excellent thing?

I'm just hesitant to suggest anything major right now because there's so much going on. Getting support for Pnd would be my priority I think.

I would definitely lock the doors though. Ensure she can't come waltzing in and use what she wants. While at the same time refusing to even comfort her crying daughter.

Your mother sounds like mine. Everything is always about her, how she feels and what she wants / feels like she's entitled to. I think you need to back off with your mum a bit, she's not going to help you and you wanting her to is making it worse for yourself. She absolutely shouldn't be letting herself into your house, using your things and ignoring you, even if were happy let alone when you're upset. Please see your GP / health visitor and talk to them about PND. You're going through a lot right now and you need some support.

Literally stop doing all of this immediately, as well as not letting her into your house. When she starts asking you why, tell it to her straight. Look after yourself and not her.

Your mother sounds like a taker.......has she ever been supportive or given practical help? The dynamic sounds unhealthy, you need to put space between you.

I'd be locking her out tbh. Certainly she'd not be using my prep machine. She's more willing to look after her dogs children than her daughters, she could get to fuck.

Ohhh OP, I can't believe how many people are saying YABU. You are most definitely not! Your post breaks my heart to be honest, I could never ever imagine leaving my daughter sitting there crying, for whatever her reason is, but especially when there's complications of struggling with a new baby, having older kids, and a relationship breakdown. You absolutely deserve a hug from your mum, to be consoled, and for her just to hold the baby while you have a shower or a nap, and see the GP too! She sounds heartless.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect anything of her. Not because mum's shouldn't help out but because your mum has never been a very good mum and she isn't likely to start now. I had(have I suppose, she's not dead) a shit mum too and it is hard but for me I never had any expectations that she would help and I think that makes it easier to cope with. I would never, ever bring any of my problems to her, would never expect anything from her basically. If you don't expect anything you can't be let down I suppose.

I dont think it is doing your mental health any good to be so entangled and surround by people who don't care(your mum and husband). You need some space to clear out your own head and concentrate in your baby without any noise from other people. Also do see your GP as soon as you can.

I am sorry you are being treated this way by your mother, the first person that is meant to love and care for you.

Your mother is lousy. She is not supportive or caring and is causing you further upset by her behaviour, which i struggle to believe is not deliberate. What sort of person, let alone a mother, ignores someone crying that they know is struggling? Is she punishing you for something, wanting to hurt you? It's best if you accept that she is sh!t and not expect any warmth or kindness from her.

I would see her less and do less for her, you have enough to do without putting yourself out for hurtful uncaring people. Try to surround yourself with kind people instead. Talk to your GP to see what support for you and the baby is available. Perhaps some counselling to help talk and deal with the feelings you are having. Get in touch with your local children's centre and see of the have any groups you can join. There may be support available that can help with baby to give you a bit of time to yourself. Getting out and spending time with decent people will help your mood.

Good luck. I hope you can reach out and will find the support you need and deserve.

I find this very sad, I could never see any of my adult DC cry and not want make it right for them. You have my utmost sympathy, you are clearly dealing with a lot right now. Much as you like to help your parents, I think you should take a step back and just focus on yourself right now, you are right to seek help from your GP. Hope things get easier for you.

Ah this is such a tough one. Poor you OP, it sounds rubbish for you.

You can’t make her want to help out.

It is really cold of her to come into your house to use your stuff (so treating your household as hers from this point of view) but ignore you.

However, crying probably isn’t the best way to deal with this. Can you talk to her about whether she is actually willing to help? Have the buggy ready and waiting for when she says she’ll take baby for a walk.

Is your Dad not able to help on evenings or weekends at all?

And the real villain in all of this - your DH. Cheating on a pregnant woman is particularly low. But even if he’s cheated and you’re breaking up, it doesn’t absolve him from caring for his child. When are his times to look after the baby solo so that you can rest?

I agree with this too. Help has to be a two way street!

Has she got a key? If so get it back. Tell her to buy her own prep machine fuck that caring about puppies more than your own child and grandchild!

So sorry you are going through this OP. I had PND so know how awful it is, and an unhelpful mother to boot. My advice is look after yourself but accept that she isn't going to help. Change the locks and stop doing her any favours. It's so hard but if you can try and get out for a walk with the baby in the pram or a sling. The fresh air did help me, as well as trying to establish it as a daily routine. Things will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Your mum sounds like a very selfish entitled person, and you don't need that emotional drain in your life.

Cant believe you're getting such harsh responses- it's clear you just want her to care in general not have your baby all day.

From your last update you need to pull back, lock your door so she can't just walk in or take your key back, say no to buying her things/shopping, say you can't because you've got too much going on in your own life. It's not a lie, you're overwhelmed as it is without doing extras for someone who can't hold your baby for ten minutes

I can’t imagine ever doing that to my dd. Even a clingy high needs baby after a feed would be fine being taken for a walk for half an hour so you could have a break I feel sad for you OP I know how hard it can be and sometimes even a hot cup of tea and 30 mins to just sit can help your dm is selfish

Sorry @Lalallals248 I wish I could give you a big hug. My dd has recently had a baby & I cannot imagine treating her like your mum treats you.

Echoing pp. Lock your doors so she can't just wander in & use your stuff. Stop doing her shopping & buying her stuff. She can drive but doesn't like it? Tough. It's time you concentrated on you & your children.

Sending love & hugs & hope you feel stronger soon.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing can i just say how much I love your username