To expect some help from my mum ...

[Lalallals248]

I'm going through a hard time at the minute so I apologise if this is mostly me venting, but I do want some advice on whether I'm being fair or not. My relationship with my husband isn't working out and I have a baby. I live next door to my mum and dad and my mum doesn't work. When I was pregnant, she promised that she'd help me, give me support, etc, etc, but so far she hasn't helped at all with the baby, even though matters have been complicated since with my marriage failing. She will have my oldest children happily because she doesn't have to do anything with them; she can lie down and just let them do as they please, but she won't have the baby because he's harder work.
I'm struggling with the baby atm. I think I might be starting with a bit of PND so I've made a doctors' appointment. She knows I'm struggling and feeling overwhelmed with the baby and my marriage but she won't even ask me if I'm okay or give me a hug, let alone take the baby for a minute so I can breathe. He's going through a clingy phase and it is hard. Three times in the past week she's walked past me - either at her house or mine - as I've been sat crying and hasn't said a word to me. Each time I've been really upset and asked her to have him she's told me she'll have him if she can take him out in his pram, but by the time I ask her I'm too overwhelmed to get it out of the car, build it, wheel it through my house, fight it through the back garden to get to her house, and get him ready so that she can take him out. I just want her to hold him for a bit but she won't and when I say no to the pram she says 'well, I offered' and that's the end of it.
Today it's come to a head because I was upset this morning - crying on my sofa with the baby crying again (he's non stop atm) - and she came into my house to use my prep machine to make milk for her dogs' puppies and said nothing to me. My kitchen and front room are connected so she definitely saw me and heard, but she just walked out when she was done like it was all fine. It's come to a head now because I yelled at her that I'm fed up of her just walking past me when I'm sad and I need her to be a mum and help me but her response was that she isn't listening because I'm shouting at her and she just left. She also keeps saying that she shouldn't have to help because she's had her kids and me having a 3rd baby was my choice, which is why I think I might be in unreasonable, but it's all about her being a babysitter; I'd just like her to ask how I am and have a conversation with me. Atm whenever we talk it's about her. if I say I feel down she says 'everyone does'. My husband's granddad died recently and I saw his body. I don't deal with seeing the dead very well, as she knows, but she hasn't even asked me how it's affected my current mindset and if I'm okay with it. She's jsut gone on about how hard it is for her when she hears about his passing because it reminds her of her mum going. Literally no thought is given to me and I'm sick of it but I don't know if i'm just being selfish. Am I?
Thanks if you got this far x

Oh dear OP you sound like you're having a tough time and properly overwhelmed.

A crying infant, 2 other kids and a shit head cheating partner. And just to add to it a cold unhelpful mother . It sounds like you are sad, overwhelmed and probably somewhat depressed.

Wish I could give you a hug .

She's not stepping up. You're not aibu. Sorry in my book you're meant show care and kindness to those you're closest to and in their time of need.

It's literally like a sport on MN for some posters to charge onto threads like this and say you're expecting too much, you shouldn't of had the baby, it's not their child blah blah blah I'm waiting for 'entitled.

In real life your mum is horrible.

Small steps OP. Go see the GP.

Bring the pram into the house.

If she will take the baby out. she can come to yours and take him from there. She's out of order but make the most of any offer right now.

Going forward think about boundaries.

I agree. I think she may be a narcissist? She definitely has tendencies and certainly no empathy.

On a side note, you should never feel obliged to see the body of someone who has passed away. It's entirely your choice and don't feel bad in the future. I wouldn't want to and didn't with my sister 😞 People I know are half and half whether they would or not and I don't judge either way. The people I know who feel they have to go and see the body and say bye don't judge either.

Thank you! Big Blackadder fan. 😁

I've only read your op and no-one else's responses as I want to give my first impression. .

You sound very needy and self absorbed. She is helping you with your older children.

You sound like you are attention seeking and I probably wouldn't indulge you with that either. If you think you have PND then you need to get help for that. But I feel you are being very unfair to your mum

I know this seems harsh. But you need to get this sorted

I think you need to seek support elsewhere. For whatever reason your mum isn’t being empathetic or supportive, that’s something to unpick at a later date. Right now you need to get some help from your GP, local children’s centre, health visitor ect. Having your mum strolling in and ignoring is not helping you at the moment, lock your front door and ignore her if she knocks.
Tomorrow contact your GP, next day your HV and the next the local CC. You can feel better but you need to make the first step yourself.

AIBU really isn't the place to post if you are at all vulnerable, @Lalallals248.
It's full of people who love to undermine and dismiss posters. It's fit only for parking issues and OPs with rhino hides.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Please don't think that the nasty posts are representative.

I can't imagine treating my daughter the way your mother is treating you. I'd be curious to hear her take on it and why she is reacting the way she does. I think looking to your Mum is just hurting you. Is there somewhere else you can look for support? Another family member? Friend? Support group?

As far as the baby, I think you might have to let your mother do so on her terms, if you want her help. Get her to hold the baby while you get out the pram. Does she have back problems or something? Holding a baby for long can be hard for some people.

I'm sorry you're not feeling more supported at a vulnerable time.

I would stop doing all this for your own well being if you need to. Sometimes you have to put on your own oxygen mask first and let go of other responsibilities.

Jesus Christ.

Some right sanctimonious pricks on this thread.

OP - yanbu at all. Life has dealt you a tough time at the moment, and if you can’t depend on your own mum to be there for you, then who the hell can you depend on?

I really feel for you. Your mum is extremely selfish.

You’ll get through this with or without her though. Babies grow and change. Life won’t always be so hard.

And when you get through it, and she needs you for something, you might find it that little bit easier to turn the other way.

Keep your doors locked so she can't just walk into your house and use your stuff. If she has a key change the locks and don't give her the new key. Then look into moving so you can get right away from her. No point being around her if she acts like you don't exist. I love my Mum to bits and she always helped me as much as she could when the DC were small, but living next door to her would drive me up the wall!

Your mum should help you. My mum is a lovely mum, but she isn't a big hugger. She's never really known what to do when I cry. She's not a crier, so I think at times she's found it manipulative. But she has always done everything to help me in any way she could. In your situation, she would definitely offer to take the baby and would be thinking of ways she could make my life easier. It sounds like your mum has been made numb by years of pot smoking, to be honest.

@Lalallals248

Your mum has drawn her boundaries, and right or wrong she has a right to draw them. But so do you. So you need to let go of your expectations of her and try to spend some time thinking about the things she does that make you feel taken advantage of or point to her lack of care and put down your own boundaries. No more in and out of your house. Either lock the doors or take back the key. No more running errands for her, no more shopping for her. No more puppy-sitting so she can get her nails done. It's not going to change her, but that's not the point of boundaries. It's to make you feel less taken advantage of and feel more in control of your level regarding the relationship. As far as your dad, whom you seem to indicate is more caring, you're going to have to figure out what you wish to do for him without it including something for her, IYSWIM.

You've been through a shitty time. I think it would be a good idea to access some type of counseling for yourself, especially if you suspect you may have PND. Expending emotional energy on negative situations is physically exhausting. You'll feel much better if you can emotionally 'let go' of your mother and what she is or isn't doing. The counseling can help you do that.

Lock the doors and stop seeing her: she’s only making you feel worse. Try to get some support elsewhere: friends, other family, in-laws if amicable.

@Maddy70

Even if you don't read anybody else's posts you should at least read all of the OP's posts first.

Based on the first one I might have said YABU, but after seeing her other posts I now think that she is not being unreasonable in asking for a little help considering all that she has done to help her parents.

OP as others have done, you need to change your locks and stop being a taxi service, pet sitting service, etc. for an ungrateful, unfeeling and selfish mother.

Instead, go to your GP and get all the counselling, help and support from them and other services.

Why do you live next door to your parents OP? Your relationship sounds very enmeshed. I don't think it is healthy to blur the boundaries in your extended family in this way. I am not defending your husband but it might be really hard to live next door to your PILS and have your MIL wandering in and out as she wishes. Most women would refuse to live in a set up like yours.
It sounds like you were groomed to be your mother's helper/carer as a child. As an adult, she still sounds like your primary relationship.
Living somewhere else and being free of your husband and your mother might improve relationships all round.
Your mother is used to you acting as her carer and support. If you didn't live next door she would have to make more effort to see you. She might respect you as a person and not as her much put upon carer.
Why do you live next door? Is your house rented? Does your mother own your house? Are you financially able to move a mile away and become independent for the first time in your life?

I think it’s incredibly cold to walk past your own child crying and make no effort to comfort you - fuck I’d do that for a stranger in the street much less my own daughter.

It sounds like she’s never really been an engaged, connected mum for you. Do you have any other supports you can draw on while you’re having such a difficult time? She isn’t going to be who you need her to be, so stop letting her into your house and your life, you don’t owe her.

Your mum should absolutely be more supportive but it seems like she hasn’t been so for most of your life so I’m unsure why you think she would change now. I also wouldn’t choose to have a baby at the request of someone who is so unreliable. That being said I can’t imagine leaving my dd to cope alone in this state when her marriage is struggling and she has three young dc.

Look, it’s sad and disappointing but you can’t make her help, even though I agree that she should want to. But if she is choosing not to help and her presence is making things worse, you can and should stop her wandering into your home uninvited. Do you have any friends or other relatives you can ask to help?

@Maddy70 and you sound like you've completely missed the point :) but ta for your opinion x
as i've said MULTIPLE times ... i'm not arsed about babysitting, it's the fact she comes into MY house and walks past ME as I sit in MY house struggling.

@Summonedbybees we own the house. We moved in it 10 years ago because it was cheap (neighbour offered it us on a deal) and was intended to just get us on the ladder so that we could get a new house. I never wanted to stay - have never wanted to live here - I know it sounds strange but my husband was the one who liked being here and we had so many rows over me wanting to move and him saying we should stay. I even had his mother speak to him about my reasons for wanting to move but he said I should just ignore my mum and lock the doors when she starts coming in and stop being worried about upsetting her.

I’ve only read this post and no-one else’s responses as I want to give my first impression.

You sound very selfish and inconsiderate.
You’ve had the details spelt out for you.

You sound like you are attention seeking and I probably wouldn’t indulge you with that either. If you have a mental health problem then you need to get help with that. But I feel you are being very unfair to the OP.

I know this seems harsh. But you need to get this sorted

@kittenseverywhere I did speak to my mum yesterday. She already knows that I don't want her to be a full-time babysitter so that wasn't an issue (even though people on here have assumed that's my game). My children go round to her house in the daytime of their own accord, but they do not stay overnight ever. They very rarely stay out with anyone but when they do it's with my MIL who is happy to have them overnight.
Anyway, I asked her why she feels she can walk past me and she said that she finds my sadness overwhelming because she is struggling herself at the moment. I asked why and if there is anything I can do and she said she doesn't know, she just doesn't feel like she can be there for me emotionally right now. She has never stopped smoking weed and I do think it's having an impact on her mental health but I've phoned her doctors for her anyway and will take her there next week for her appointment as my dad will be working.
I asked about her holding the baby for me - not for long, but a few minutes, so that I can get ready - and she said she will try to do that when I ask instead of making demands about the pram. I asked why she'd rather take him out and she said she finds it boring holding babies in the house so that's why she asks so I said could she use the buggy she has as it is easier if she's ever willing to do that again and she said she will try even though it's ugly.
I did say that as much as I understand she is struggling with her mental health issues, I'm going through a hard time and seeing her coming into my house and using my things whilst ignoring me being sad is very triggering and difficult for me to cope with when I am struggling with things that she's never even gone through. My sister and I were raised by our grandmother essentially as my mum worked evenings from me being 10 weeks old and my dad often worked late when we were little, and my mum and dad are still together, so crying babies and divorces isn't something she's been through, which may be why she's struggling to empathise a little.

So you’re unable to set boundaries for your mum, your husband and probably your kids. You will be unhappy wherever you move. its hard, really hard, to feel any sympathy with the situation you have 100% created yourself.

What nonsense, the reply is perfectly thought out and I have the exact same response myself to the OP,s very odd and emotional helplessness existing in her own life.

I'm so sorry op. It hurts so much when your own mother walks past you crying and isn't able to show she even cares about you.

I don't see my mum much as I moved away but I have stage 4 breast cancer and she just shook her head when my eyes filled with tears as I spoke about my future and my children.

I had to make peace with the fact that she isn't the mother I would've liked and I stopped hoping for emotional support a long time ago as it hurts too much to keep feeling rejected and disappointed.

My mum is a very emotional person but can't deal with her own feelings or mine and relies on alcohol to numb herself to it all it sounds like your mum might use weed in the same way.

If I was you I'd move away from next door to her and focus on getting well and being fully in control of your life without the shitty behaviour of both your mum and husband.

I'd also really recommend therapy. I wasn't able to take control of my life until I understood myself in relation to my relationship with my mum and I've gained so much power from that. I'm a low earner and pay a small fee for mine.

I sincerely hope you can sort out the pnd and wish you all the best in turning your life around so you're able to feel strong and to thrive. Be kind to yourself x