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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weird sex thing with dh

120 replies

Newperson4 · 27/09/2023 21:51

We’ve been together 11 years, 2 young kids so things have been rocky past two years but I feel like we are in a better place at the moment. We have struggled in the past to feel close, make time for intimacy, midmatched sex drives etc (him>me)

Its been about 3 weeks since we were last intimate, we’ve had covid and felt shit but I’ve felt horny this week and I think he has. I’ve got my period atm but its almost over so regularly we would do it around this time as its not too messy.

I had a shower after kids were in bed and sent dh a nude bum picture from upstairs as a cheeky hint. He came up to see me and things progressed but not once but THREE times he aimed at the wrong hole and I had to stop him and say “thats my bum! no thanks!” he then rolled over and said “sorry can we just kiss and cuddle for a bit” to which I was a bit miffed. I don’t know if iabu but I wanted kind of a hot steamy quickie… I cba to lay kissing and cuddling. But whatever, thats what we did. After about 5mins I sensed he wasn’t enjoying the kissing as felt like kissing someone with their lips totally closed like I was forcing it on him so I stopped. He tells me “sorry its just gone” and said he’s no longer in the mood. Feels like he is just moody or embarrassed about the bum poking.

He went downstairs and I am left feeling frustrated and a bit embarrassed. Sounds silly but I feel like my confidence has been knocked.

Aibu?

OP posts:

HorseySurprise · 27/09/2023 22:25

Newperson4 · 27/09/2023 22:02

I think he was just being clumsy! it def wasn’t on purpose

I think this might not be as accidental as you think. In my innocent days 20 odd years ago I thought the same about my ex, but then it kept happening and I realised his aim had suddenly got consistently bad when it hadn't been like that before - yes it was porn. Unfortunately he must have watched the kind of porn where they don't bother with lube. I think he honestly thought that he could sneak it in the back door and I wouldn't really notice - never mind that it might hurt. I mean, wouldn't he just think how his own anus might feel if someone just suddenly shoved something up it? But obviously he thought women's bums must be different.

Anyway, the way to tell if it wasn't an accident is if it happens again.

FictionalCharacter · 27/09/2023 22:27

No way does a man who has had sex a billion times with his wife suddenly fail to locate her vagina. An anus doesn’t feel the slightest bit like a vagina. He was trying it on.

autumnpleasestay · 27/09/2023 22:27

Sorry, but unless he's always clumsy or has been particularly off while recovering from his illness, I'd assume he was trying to make it happen without the awkwardness of asking, and the photo might have read as an offer of forbidden fruit.

If he experiences similar 'difficulties' again, I'd raise the issue. It's not okay to keep poking and prodding when you've explicitly said it's not happening.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 27/09/2023 22:29

Newperson4 · 27/09/2023 22:01

In what world is a woman on her period a turn off? don’t be ridiculous.

Show quote history

Loads of people don't find it remotely appealing. I find it borderline painful and I bleed like the world is ending.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/09/2023 22:29

I have had period sex. Not something I would actively choose but if I was in the mood and the man concerned wasnt bothered then I have no issue with it. Its certainly not as weird as some people think. I know of a fair amount of friends who do it.

But I have to agree that he perhaps misread your bum pic as meaning you fancied it up there, and if he watches porn (likely with the mismatch of sex drives) he probably thinks that we are all desperate for it.....

readbooksdrinktea · 27/09/2023 22:32

DixonD · 27/09/2023 22:14

It’s hardly ridiculous. Some men don’t like it.

Show quote history

And some women. It's not ridiculous.

HowcanIhelp123 · 27/09/2023 22:32

Sex on period has never been a turn off for myself or DH! Just pop a towel down and crack on. I have endometriosis so periods can be very painful and sex definitely helps the cramps for a while after.

readbooksdrinktea · 27/09/2023 22:33

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2023 22:23

Sounds very awkward. Was the bum photo something you’ve done before or did he take it as a hint at bum sex but neither of you actually discussed the plan? When he suggested cuddling you could have said can’t we have a quickie then think about bed? I think you both need to talk more. If you can get naked together you can talk about sex.

Also this. My first thought was he misjudged the photo.

Streamorwatchlive · 27/09/2023 22:36

No one used to having regular sex ‘aims wrong’ three times. You’re kidding yourself.

also, just chat to him! Find out if there’s an issue. How would we know it’s your relationship

whatchulookinatwillis · 27/09/2023 22:36

If he was happy to put his penis up her arse, he really can't be bothered about a bit of period blood, surely??

And there is zero chance that three times was an accident.

He's been watching anal porn, the OP sent a pic of your bum and he put 2 + 2 together and thought "bumsex is on the cards tonight" then got the hump when it wasn't.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/09/2023 22:38

Aiming for your arse was deliberate, he tried it three times probably hoping you would cotton on and offer it or just not say no.

He is quite despicable.

EarthSight · 27/09/2023 22:39

I think this is a larger issue than just a misjudged photo.

It's the actions of a man who got excited at the thought of anal and then had a pouty sulk when he saw it wasn't on the cards. It speaks of resentment, immaturity, and emotional punishment.

If it was just a misjudged attempt, how fucking difficult was it to say 'Oh sorry I thought the photo was an invite to do that?', and then move on from it.

frivlot · 27/09/2023 22:41

In what world is a woman on her period a turn off? don’t be ridiculous.

really?

FictionalCharacter · 27/09/2023 22:42

Why are so many people talking about whether or not they like sex during their period? OP and her husband don’t, so they don’t have to do it. What the rest of us like is irrelevant.

Diamondcurtains · 27/09/2023 22:43

Newperson4 · 27/09/2023 22:01

In what world is a woman on her period a turn off? don’t be ridiculous.

Show quote history

huh? Of course it can be a turn off. Doesn’t appeal to me DH.

frivlot · 27/09/2023 22:43

But surely you are aware that these things are quite normal.. aren’t you?

It's quite normal to not like period sex or not send DH who is downstairs a belfie.

frivlot · 27/09/2023 22:44

For all the people saying they / their partners’ don’t like period sex, the OP has said they regularly have sex at the end of her period. So that isn’t the problem. (And neither is it all that unusual.)

posters are questioning why the OP thinks it isn't a turn off for some

frivlot · 27/09/2023 22:47

Why are so many people talking about whether or not they like sex during their period?

Because the OP said

"In what world is a woman on her period a turn off? don’t be ridiculous."

Superduper02 · 27/09/2023 22:48

YABU for not speaking to your DH about this.

Lucyh999 · 27/09/2023 22:49

I’m really sorry that the OP has taken this personally. I do find this all a bit strange though. ‘In what world’ does someone experience sexual difficulty basically as a rarity in a LTR and take to Mumsnet to ask about it rather than going to speak to their husband or partner. I mean really?! None of us know the answer to why this happened or why your husband ‘lost it’. Only he does, so you’d be better placed asking him.

As for all the people saying he has been watching porn, perhaps he has, perhaps he hasn’t, it’s an odd thing to say. People can have sexual desires or fantasies without it coming from
porn? Are we 12?!

EvilElsa · 27/09/2023 22:51

Sounds like a mix of misunderstandings and embarrassment to me. Sometimes the moment is just gone after a bumpy start. I'd go and have a chat and clear the air. Maybe he was after anal, maybe he was fumbling around -just ask him.

squareyedannie · 27/09/2023 22:57

Just ask him if he wanted anal. Nothing wrong with it if you're both into it.

mrlistersgelfbride · 27/09/2023 22:58

11 years in and you're sending pics of your bum to your DH?!
You're doing better than some of us 😆 I've been with my partner that length of time and it's about a decade since I did something like that.

This sounds like a misunderstanding. This isn't some sort of LTB situation just because he misjudged and half heartedly attempted anal.
Just talk to him.

Mirabai · 27/09/2023 22:58

The old “aiming wrong” chestnut. No-one really believes that do they?

It’s fine if he doesn’t want period sex the answer is not to jab around her arse.

ThatsMeTold · 27/09/2023 22:59

DixonD · 27/09/2023 22:14

It’s hardly ridiculous. Some men don’t like it.

Show quote history

Op’s DH clearly doesn’t mind, she says in the op it’s normal for them.

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