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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take on my mums cat?

88 replies

CatLoverButNotOwner · 27/09/2023 10:44

Mum went abroad for 3 months earlier this year. She didn’t need to go, it wasn’t for work or anything she just wanted to go.

At home she left 2 cats.

One is very laid back, spends most of the day sleeping and you can literally step on him and he’ll just sit there obviously I’m not advocating doing that but if it happens accidentally he literally just lies there looking at you as if to say “You’ll have to move not me”

The other is very younger and very very shy but loved my mum before she went, mum would talk about them sharing a bed or her handing feeding this cat.

I looked after the cats while she was away. Visiting twice a day.

For the first 4 weeks I didn’t see the younger cat at all. I knew she was okish as both food bowls where always empty and they had two litter trays with different kinds of litter in and the tray with younger cats preferred litter in was used – as was the other tray.

From about week 4/5 I’d see the younger cat in the corner of my eye, she’d run from under a bed or cabinet to another bed or cabinet, but as soon as I turned around she’d be gone.

By week 6 she was starting to come out but wouldn’t let me near her she’d watch me from under a cabinet or bed but disappear as soon as I got to close – which was fine, I was just pleased she was starting to accept me.

On week 9 the cat started to get closer to me but would still run and hide if I turned round a bit too quickly.

It was only in the very final weeks (week 12ish) did I actually get close enough to the cat for her to brush against me, but she still won’t let me actually touch her.

This was fine, all I cared about was her being fed and settled in her own home.

My DD has never seen the younger cat in person still just in pictures as the cat still hides when she’s there, which is also fine. She’d be with me for some visits and we’d only see older male cat.

Now to the issue.

My mums been home 4 weeks and younger cat is still hiding from her. She says she hears both cats at night but if she gets up to use the toilet she only sees the male.

The cats get on fine probably because the male cats basically horizontal.

She’s upset that younger cat hasn’t been to see her since she got home and is not considering rehoming her. She says that I should take the female cat as she obviously likes me and will settle with me.

But I don’t want to. I like cats, I’ve had my own cats before, but if I was going to take any of mums cats it’d be the older male because my DD likes him, played with him on her visits with me and he’s basically the type of cat I’ve had before. But I don’t really want a cat. I looked after hers so she could go abroad not because I want my own.

Mum says IABU though and I should just take her. I think she should give it longer given it took nearly the entire 3 months for said cat to come anywhere near me.

WIBU me or mum? Should I just take the cat and go through the whole process again in my home while also being a single parent to my DD?

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 27/09/2023 10:47

You don't have to do anything you don't want to, they are your mums cats and her responsibility. The cat can go through the process of getting to know her again.

SillyDoriswithaDangler · 27/09/2023 10:48

Your mother should never own animals, what a terrible person, that poor cat. I’d take him just to get him away from her, it would be so traumatic for him to be rehomed to a completely different house other than yours.

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2023 10:50

Your mother is being ludicrously unreasonable.

Urgh. I feel really sorry for you, she sound massively selfish.

Grumpusaurus · 27/09/2023 10:52

Your mother is an utterly selfish brat! That poor cat is probably very affected by such a long abandonment.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 27/09/2023 10:52

Jeezus… You don’t want a cat. Your mum is irresponsible for getting a traumatised cat and leaving it in the first place. She needs to put in the work to heal her relationship with HER cat.

Honeyroar · 27/09/2023 10:55

Your mother is a clueless idiot with no thought for her animals at all. She should rehome both her cats and stay pet less. What is wrong with her?? Can she not work out that the cat has been upset by being left and needs time. What a bloody selfish dumbo your mother is.

cruffinsmuffin · 27/09/2023 10:55

I think your mum is being entirely unreasonable!

She left for 12 weeks without proper care for the cats? Visiting twice a day isn't enough for the cats imo - especially for 12 weeks! One maybe!

The cat is probably super spooked that someone was away for so long and is now in the house again, she needs to give them time.

Oooooooooooo1 · 27/09/2023 10:59

Don't do anything, your mum needs to put the work in with the kitten not pass it on to you
Poor cat

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 27/09/2023 10:59

Not your cat. Not your problem. The younger cat probably sees your mother as a stranger now. It will settle if your mother puts the work in. By leaving them almost totally alone for three long months doesn’t bode well. Don’t involve yourself with someone else’s issue unless it suits you

Original poster
CatLoverButNotOwner · 27/09/2023 11:00

cruffinsmuffin · 27/09/2023 10:55

I think your mum is being entirely unreasonable!

She left for 12 weeks without proper care for the cats? Visiting twice a day isn't enough for the cats imo - especially for 12 weeks! One maybe!

The cat is probably super spooked that someone was away for so long and is now in the house again, she needs to give them time.

@cruffinsmuffin They were well looked after, they had food and I always put fresh water down every visit. Older cat did have treats as well and I did leave some in places where I knew the younger cat was hiding (hope she had them and not older cat).

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/09/2023 11:04

CatLoverButNotOwner · 27/09/2023 11:00

@cruffinsmuffin They were well looked after, they had food and I always put fresh water down every visit. Older cat did have treats as well and I did leave some in places where I knew the younger cat was hiding (hope she had them and not older cat).

Show quote history

I don’t think you should take any criticism of your mum to heart - of course you looked after them well but PP is right, your mum didn’t put in place adequate care because someone going in to feed twice a day is what you arrange when you go on holiday for 10 days, not when you’re gone for 3 months! She should have got a housesitter.

Dillydollydingdong · 27/09/2023 11:05

People can be very selfish over animals, expecting to be able to dump them on other people when it's not convenient to have them any more. Your mum is incredibly self centred. If you hadn't agreed to feed them she would have had a problem. Just SAY NO!

MariePaperRoses · 27/09/2023 11:07

Your mother abruptly left the cats for a very long time. It's understandable that the one she was closest to is now anxious.

Your mother should never have got them
and is a thoughtless, selfish and ignorant woman.

You have no obligation to take the cat nor should you offer to feed them again if she decides to go on another long jaunt.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/09/2023 11:08

Wow that's insane. She is trying to guilt you to take her pet, because she can't be bothered putting in the effort to help it get over its upset that she caused in the first place. Is she normally this self absorbed?

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2023 11:09

How young is the timid cat, btw? How old when your mum left her and how long had she had her?

Houseplanter · 27/09/2023 11:11

Your mum doesn't deserve pets. She sounds heartless.

Having said that please don't take it on if you don't want to. You've done your best, and now the cat needs a home that will love her

Cakeorchocolate · 27/09/2023 11:12

Wow I agree with the others, your mum was unreasonable to go on holiday for so long leaving the cats.
Yes they were cared for in the absolute basic sense of fed, watered, offered attention during visits but they were otherwise basically abandoned and left to think they live alone.

Your mum either needs to allow more time for the cat to get used to her again, it she's not going to swan off for weeks at a time again, or rehome the cat to someone that will love it and treat it like family.

But definitely don't be pressured into having a responsibility you don't want.

Original poster
CatLoverButNotOwner · 27/09/2023 11:13

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2023 11:09

How young is the timid cat, btw? How old when your mum left her and how long had she had her?

@NoSquirrels Approximately 18 months old now, was about 13 months old when she left her. Older cat is 9.

The younger cat is the kitten of her sisters/my aunts cat.

OP posts:
cruffinsmuffin · 27/09/2023 11:15

@CatLoverButNotOwner

I understand you have fresh water and treats - but most cats are fairly social creatures, being alone for 23 or so hours a day for 12 whole weeks must have been tough for them. As PP said - I'm being critical of the care your mum put in place for the cats, not being critical of you doing what she asked.

I've got cats and max I'd have someone pop in twice a day for is a week, and that's only when I know they pop in for about 3 hours a day (a family member) to spend time with them. I'm away for 3 weeks next month and have a full time house sitter coming, because it's too long for them to be alone for.

The nervous cat probably has some sort of abandonment issues - being left for three months by the person they're closest to, then suddenly having you pop in and slowly trusting you over a 3 month period for the owner to then suddenly return is a lot for an animal with a nervous disposition to take.

It's going to take time and tbh the attitude of your mum to leave them without proper care for 3 months and then jump straight to giving them away is really sad to read.

sodthesodoff · 27/09/2023 11:16

Your mother shouldn't be allowed pets

She sounds selfish and cruel and fucking horrible to somehow make this your problem and guilt trip you

Is she selfish in all areas of her life?

I mean she fucked off for three months without looking back at her cats so I'm going to guess yes

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2023 11:17

OK, so not a kitten then, thank goodness.

Obviously you shouldn’t have this cat - or any cat! You don’t want one and that’s perfectly reasonable.

But you might assist your mum in rehoming the unhappy cat, if you felt generous (although I wouldn’t particularly!) because if your mum doesn’t want the tie of a nervous animal and might want to go travelling again then she’d be better sticking with just her laidback male cat. There’s probably a household where girl cat will be happier.

edited for spelling!

Blinkityblonk · 27/09/2023 11:18

Some cats, such as my cat (a specific breed) need companionship and when I got my cat, I had to sign a contract with the breeder never to leave the cat alone more than 4 hours I think. Mine is just fine sleeping for that time, but would be distressed and cry at night if left. So, it's not just about food and water, although it seems like you did the best you could and would have played with the cat had it been around.

I would not take on this cat, but your mum isn't doing a great job with it, I don't know what to suggest.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 27/09/2023 11:28

Twice a day for three months is not enough.

Your Mum is taking her cats reluctance to come out personally rather than examining her own behaviour of leaving her cats inadequately looked after (not you, but the length of time your Mum went away with no thought of the cats).

Princessfluffy · 27/09/2023 11:33

Don't take on an animal you don't want.
Your mother is being disrespectful to put pressure on you in this way.

Is she generally so disregarding of your feelings?

Nocturna · 27/09/2023 20:40

Your mother is an absolutely disgusting person who shouldn’t be anywhere near animals. Cats need more than food and water. They are social animals. That poor cat must be so traumatised from being left for months and now some strange woman is living in their territory. Both cats should be placed with an animal shelter to rehabilitate them and find them loving homes.