Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents of SEN kids,do people avoid you too?

157 replies

Jennybeans401 · 26/09/2023 06:17

I have three dcs and all of them have SEN. Over the years I noticed some friends and (not all) family avoid me and our family due to this. All my dcs are quiet, kind and polite dcs.

It's almost like people think they might "catch" autism! I see how despite Inclusion a lot of people still ostracise many who are autistic or have a disability.

Have you experienced this?

OP posts:
Cellotapedispenser · 26/09/2023 06:26

Definitely. Mostly from the local parents. Used to be part of everything and invited to lots of things. No longer, but my SEN ds is prone to meltdowns and shouting at other children so we have also self isolated a bit. I've grown a pretty tough skin in the last few years.

HNY2023 · 26/09/2023 06:31

Yep !

and it hurts

CloakOfNope · 26/09/2023 06:33

Yes! Until recently my mum didn't like to be in the same room as DS and if she had to be in a room with him, she would sit as far away from him as possible and she'd never speak to him. She'd make excuses like "I know he doesn't like me, so I won't speak to him or look at him" so she could blame him for her weirdness.

Eventually I got sick of it and told her he was never going to like her if she spent his whole life refusing to go near him or look at him or speak to him, and now she's much better with him. But she still says nasty things like "I feel sad for you because you tried for so long to have a baby and you got DS" so I think she's always going to have a problem with him.

I don't know why she's like that - he's a happy, clever, funny, affectionate little boy who's a pleasure to be around most of the time, he just has some development delays and communication problems. I guess his differences make her feel uncomfortable

Robotindisguise · 26/09/2023 06:34

Yep. It’s lonely.

EnchantedCastle · 26/09/2023 06:36

Definitely. It’s very lonely.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 26/09/2023 06:38

Sorry to hear that other people are also having the same problem, it's everywhere that we should accept difference but reality is different. I've had friends distance themselves from us, no explanation and the dcs themselves feel it.

Even in my own family we don't get invited to parties or get together, it's very isolating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 26/09/2023 06:40

Middle dd is very sociable and many people were surprised by her diagnosis. Then they said, "I didn't see it before but she does look autistic". Unbelievable!

OP posts:
clpsmum · 26/09/2023 06:48

Yea definitely. Even family avoid us tbh. I literally have no "real" friends

Unwisebutnotillegal · 26/09/2023 06:51

My son is hearing impaired. My friends have dropped off the radar completely ( we spotted one of my school friends turning round and heading in the opposite direction in a car park the other day). However, he has a small group of friends at school which coincidentally include two women who teach deaf children; they and a couple of other mums make sure he is included in everything. I’ve gone from feeling the most lonely I’ve ever felt to having some hope for the future.

EllasGuitar · 26/09/2023 06:51

It is incredibly isolating. My DC is late teens now and my friends with similar aged children are living in their new found freedom. We’re still wiping arses.

jeaux90 · 26/09/2023 06:53

@CloakOfNope gosh that's so sad! Your DM!!

My DD14 has become increasingly isolated from her original local friends. It's really sad, but mainly down to her struggles with boundaries etc. it's had a knock on impact on me but honestly I don't care as I don't have time. I just focus on family and a few really good friends.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 26/09/2023 06:58

Yep, it's a thing. DH's family are lovely, but with the exception of my lovely mum, my side of the family barely see us, and when they do they ignore DD as much as possible.

As far as friends go, I get invited to "adults only" nights out, but we are excluded from family events.

Kalodi · 26/09/2023 06:58

We lost friends because they refuse to accept ASD and ADHD exist (which concerns me when one is a nursery room manager). DS' behaviour was always seen as him being naughty and us having installed that behaviour into him.

We really struggled, as I'm sure many with SEN children do, to adapt in those first few years to ensure our home and way of life would be a great environment for our children to thrive and not many people agreed with us.

We have limited contact with the in laws because of this.

We also have limited contact with my step-father as he purposefully pushes DS to the point of meltdowns because my step-father thinks he needs to be taught a lesson and always then shouts at DS during a meltdown about how unreasonable he is being.....

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 26/09/2023 06:58

Absolutely. I've resolved to think of my own life being over now and living purely for my DC. I am a lone parent so we automatically come as a pair. Nobody invites me or us anywhere, nobody offers to watch DC for me to even attempt so much as one friend. If I even think about the person I was 10 years ago I feel depressed. I used to be really outgoing and confident and now I genuinely struggle to make conversation or eye contact with anyone other than my DC I'm that isolated now, even people I know. I 100% sympathise.

Don't get me wrong. I love my DC and I wouldn't change my life for that reason. I don't regret DC at all. Just regret the parts that involve the behaviour of everybody else 🙄

Gerrataere · 26/09/2023 07:11

I’ve seen both sides of this. Definitely been excluded (both kids and parents) because my children are autistic.

However, I have a small group of ‘SEN mum friends’ and arranging anything can be so difficult based on everyone’s needs, time, situation on the day. It’s great having people who ‘get’ your situation though, there may not be any physical help but the ability to drop a message to someone who understands is worth a lot.

drspouse · 26/09/2023 07:14

Yes, and I don't have a thick skin where my DC and my friendships are concerned and it bloody hurts. I had lots of friends when the DC were small and now I have nearly none, and nobody will see me when I'm with DS, or come to the house. DS is ok with people he knows well but obviously if nobody will ever see us he's never going to be OK with anyone.

Choconuttolata · 26/09/2023 07:14

Yes people do, the parents that tend to talk to us in the playground have children with SEND.

DS has one friend that comes over, doesn't get invited to any one elses houses or birthday parties.

DD1 has friends and does sometimes go to visit them, but prefers her own space when not at school as it is her recovery time.

It also impacts on siblings too. DD2 does not have any SEND needs and has friends, but only a few come to our house because DS can be a bit intense and doesn't always understand that they want to play without him. She does go to clubs and visits other people's houses.

LastNightAPandaSavedMyLife · 26/09/2023 07:35

No. But then a few of my friends have autistic children as well, we’ve somehow found each other through the school gates which is wonderful.

My MIL on the other hand doesn’t believe her grandchildren are autistic. 🙄

BogRollBOGOF · 26/09/2023 07:36

DS1 was diagnosed with autism around Christmas 2019 when he was 9. I've barely seen family since then. The timing of diagnisis just before all that Covid exclusionary "bubbles" shit and not being local to family didn't help, but we're well beyond all that crap. It's been legal to meet up for the last 2.5 years and we've seen them once since then. The problem is a year of that bollocks reset habits and shoved us off the radar.

I'm at the point where I CBA to even pick up the phone/ message them now. I'm tired anyway from getting through the day from parenting a child the same size as me who behaves like an 8yo with teenage hormones mixed in. No phone calls/ messages come in to us, to see how we are, and I'm out of emotional energy to chase up one way relationships. Messages are rarely responded to.

DM doesn't like him. She's not fond of children with an opinion, and she likes doing things her own way and isn't adaptable to modifying to suit him and keep him comfortable.

DS is great company if you put a little care into not overwhelming him. He masks and presents "normally" at school. He's not particularly awkward to be around, he just needs some flexibility.

Spendonsend · 26/09/2023 07:44

I have SEN mum friends.

I do have other friends, but we dont see them as much as our kids are of an age where they would normally be independent so they dont really want to sit with someone actively parenting anymore.

Family see us, but it took a lot of years for them to accommodate needs. There wss a lot of resentment at the start that we couldnt go to loud busy places.

Ohthatsabitshit · 26/09/2023 07:46

Yes. I think there are just easier people to hang out with.

Tellerium · 26/09/2023 07:49

Not so much family but since my daughter’s autism became more noticeable (mask slipped a bit) some of the other school parents have just decided she’s the horrible kid they don’t want their kids to be friends with. They don’t know about her diagnosis because it’s none of their damn business and I don’t trust some of them not to weaponise it and try to get her out of the school away from their precious Euphegenia and Tarquinius.

Londonlassy · 26/09/2023 08:10

Yes. We moved to this town just before DC started school and we hadn’t realised they were ND. Buddying friendships have pretty much withered away. Their children don’t want to hang out with my child ( not invited to play dates or parties) it’s now uncomfortable for the mums to want to catch up with me.

Fahbeep · 26/09/2023 18:05

Yes. People avoided us when things got bad and my son's school placement began to breakdown (ADHD / ASD). We learnt there are people who think these things are just behaviour and not disabilities. We also faced a lot of prejudice from people who judged us as bad parents and our child as naughty! From our position, the school was failing, and pinning blame on SEN children including our son. Fact is, some parents can be very narrow minded, especially when they perceive detriment to their own children. It's one of the few remaining "permitted" bigotries, meaning that we are a long long way from a society in which equity for SEN children, and the adjustments it takes, are seen as the norm. I saw someone on MN the other week moaning about the impact on her little preciousness that having a child with disabilities in the same swimming class was having. We have discovered the hard way that ableism is a very real problem in the UK today.

FernFae · 26/09/2023 18:37

Yep had this too, ds 11 autistic with other SEN, I'm also autistic . We don't have many friends and we struggle to keep them, no idea why, my son is the most kind, caring boy.
We home educate now and I've also had people cutting us off on social media aswell, non local friends who aren't interested in us anymore who I have always been there for, always dropped them a message asking if they are ok when they were struggling, would go out of my way for others, have we had anything back when my son's mental health plummeted this year, nothing at all not even one message. So I've cut them off.

Swipe left for the next trending thread