Parents of SEN kids,do people avoid you too?

[Jennybeans401]

I have three dcs and all of them have SEN. Over the years I noticed some friends and (not all) family avoid me and our family due to this. All my dcs are quiet, kind and polite dcs.

It's almost like people think they might "catch" autism! I see how despite Inclusion a lot of people still ostracise many who are autistic or have a disability.

Have you experienced this?

@Makeminelarge I’m so sorry your days are so hard. Do try the SNChat board there are lots propping each other up.

Yep. Also had a family member say "he doesn't look autistic" wtf does that mean?

I was finding it hard to supervise their child in the situation, which isn't my responsibility when they are present anyway. My child is a babe in arms so is adequately supervised, thanks for the patronizing tone.

The rest I agree with, but I'm not avoiding them or their child because of SEN.

@MollyRover why is their child a problem if you can keep your child safe? I thought from what you were saying you weren’t able to keep your child safe so had to not see them. Nobody is patronising you. Leave them alone is a very good idea in your case, but at least be honest about why.

@redmalt ”doesn’t look autistic” is just weird. So much of what people say is just weird.

agree.

The other one is where they ask what he is genius at. So many people think of autism as coupled with savant-like ability like Rainman.

Another trope- that autism is 'caused' by cold and unfeeling mothers. That was trotted out to me by one ed psych in December 2018. The pain that caused me.. cannot even express it.

@DawnInAutumn That's terrible, so sorry somebody said that to you! I went through a phase of actually thinking it was my fault that DS was autistic, and how I could/should have done things differently, but now obviously I realise nothing I could have done would have changed any outcome. I would have been heartbroken if somebody had suggested it was my fault

DawnInAutumn I cannot believe in this day and age some 'professional' is still trotting out the discredited 'refrigerator mother' theory. That's just terrible, you poor thing!

@DawnInAutumn that's horrific, they shouldn't be near ed psychology with opinions like that. Could you report them?

Yes, at primary school, nobody wanted to have much with us/DD (ASD & severe learning diffs). Parents avoided me at the school gate, changing the side if the road when they noted us, not s single birthday invite in primary. Thank the lord we are in special ed for secondary.

Family avoid DD too. DH's family way besotted with DD until her SN became obvious. now his family only visits when I and DD are away. DH's sis also blocked DD in WhatsApp as she couldn't cope with 2-3 messages per week.

overall, DD's SN have been an excellent filter to get rid of all sorts of arseholes in our lifes. But it is shocking who many people see those with learning difficulties as lesser humans but it is also demonstrated over and over again on theads here in MN.

We 'sort of' reported her. I did to the school and they took her off the school approved list (and said they had been unimpressed with her report as well). She retired just after that so we did not pursue it in any form. I am not a pursuing it sort, really. I did not report that comment, just it was part of an overall sense of unhappiness. (When we had the meeting for her to tell us her findings she said as the intro; 'Well he's never going to get to university so you may as well get that idea out of your mind right now'. That was literally her opening sentence and it was said with such - disdain really. He wasn't even 10 years old.

Anyway. Since then i have read up alot and I do know the refrigerator mother theory is both outdated and just plain wrong.

I think for a lot of these parents that avoid SEN parents it's purely based on the behaviour of the SEN child.

my DD is an very gentle soul and never heard anyone. She was, like many other kids, however the targets of bullying by her NT peers. schools dealt eventually with it.

Ds has never hurt anyone either and is a huge soft adult now. It’s telling that a thread about how it feels to be lonely and ostracised is plagued by descriptions of violent children when it’s not a given and even for those that do have behavioural difficulties not malicious or any worse than a much younger child resorting to the physical.

SN have been an excellent filter to get rid of all sorts of arseholes

owlsmummy I would agree with this too.

Unfortunately I have also encountered SEN parents who don't want their more 'highly functioning'/low needs child playing with my higher needs child in case it 'rubs off'. They have literally told me that they insist their child with ASD play with NT children and go to mainstream so 'they don't become more autistic'.

I feel a bit uncomfortable in the face of stories here, but we’ve been blessed. One child has epilepsy/ autism and is hearing impaired. They get treated kindly I find. Just tonight we popped in a bar with entertainment, with ear defenders. One couple moved seats to make them comfortable, another table was pushed over from another direction and people just provided space and furniture arrangements unprompted. Generally they are treated well and doted on by four siblings and a huge extended family. They go to activities and people have been generous finding 1:1, like an extra swim teacher being found or a dance school’s teen helper etc. The occasional idiot is there, but we have far more kindness.

DS is more likely to hurt himself than others (headbutting walls is his thing when overwhelmed), but he has lashed out in the way that a much younger child would, mainly by shoving an offending child - who might be screaming too close to him - out of his way. I am hoping that if we ever get DS into a special school, the parents will be more open to friendships and less inclined to judge.

This is the thing, when I encounter nd children I don't expect them to be violent any more than I expect any other child to be violent. Is it really something that people assume about nd children?? I know one nd child who is violent but I know at least 5 more who aren't.

It's a very lonely place, even SEN groups don't really cater for little ones like mine who is blind, unable to sit, roll, hold his own head up, he doesn't talk, no social smile etc (because he's blind). Places like soft play are no good to us as he's very vulnerable when on the floor/in the ball pit. Parks are often a no-go too because there is nothing for a wheelchair user like him and often, if there is a nest swing others use it and don't want to give it up so he can have a turn. He is a hidden section of society and he is often overlooked.

That is very sad indeed. Parks are hard places even for sighted children- I hope your lovely son is able to feel the love from you and those who know and love him.
Many years ago at a Christmas Party at a centre for people with Cerebral Palsy, there was a Mum in the bathroom changing her son- She said to me ''You wouldn't think he was Eighteen, would you?''- {He was my age at that time}...This Mum's love for her son was so obvious, and has stayed with me all these years.

Edit: This was at a time when a lot of profoundly disabled children were ''Given up'' by parents a lot of the young adults were never visited from one month to the next.

I’ll be honest @oakleaffy there’s still a lot of pressure to accept residential care and very little understanding of who should be part of that discussion or when it is appropriate to have it. People have been asking me what will happen when dh and I die since our child was in very early primary. Even if I die a good ten years earlier than my mother/grandmother/great grandmother dh has many decades to decide what he wants to do.

I don’t think someone who doesn’t have this life could possibly understand all the exhausting emotions you experience.

Sorry that should read
Even if I die a good ten years earlier than my mother/grandmother/great grandmother Ds has many decades to decide what he wants to do.

I’m sorry to hear that @Ratfinkstinkypink. If you were at the playground at the same time as us I’m sure DC would give up a turn on the useable swings, though they might be a bit unaware until you or I asked them. In fact, DC is very gentle and often asks to push younger children on the swing, who often find the request weird. But DC would happily give a gentle push and say hello to your DS. Maybe some time we’ll bump into each other.

Yes. People are cunts

Unfortunately kids are very attuned to kids who are different from the norm especially if it affects then socially, as I see every day in my work. It doesn't mean they will be mean( most of them) but it often means they don't want to hang out with kids with special needs because the social aspects make it hard work, and I think people just want easy in as many areas of life as they can get. It is hurtful but it is the way of the world. I heard a student sticking up for another student by saying he had special needs and honestly that is unusual to hear. Kids just want to fit in and they do have this automatic distancing, it is a minority of kids who don't act that way and maybe the same for adults too. I see in my workplace the students with autism often befriend each other and have a tolerance for the other's 'quirks'.It is hard on parents and kids alike.