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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU, DP & I didn’t fulfil our road trip bucket list?

97 replies

Sugarandbread · 26/09/2023 01:11

DP’s the driver in our relationship. I have a provisional license and have failed my driving test twice and I am waiting on the resit since June. When DP renewed his insurance, I suggested going on as a Named Driver (paying the premium difference) but he renewed with his father on the policy instead. DP offers to take me out driving and would happily let me drive around the back roads and village uninsured but I don’t feel comfortable with this. I work in Insurance and know the repercussions would be worse as I should know better (and do).

Around April we had a big talk about our Summer plans because we’re wasting our weekends away indoors watching Netflix and not really doing anything exciting together. I suggested that as we’re both off on Sundays, we should take day trips to different places and plan for more overnight trips away. Some of these day trips weren’t even a thirty minute spin away, and we’re fortunate to have some lovely accessible and climbable mountains in our area. It’s now September and we haven’t even ticked off one of these places from our travel bucket list (made together). DP was really keen about this idea and even suggested buying a tent so we could camp overnight as he’s too tall for car camping.

Any overnight trip whether abroad or within the country I have to plan as DP wouldn’t have the iniative to plan a trip away. In DP’s defence, I never annoyed him this Summer about taking a day trip as I hoped he would’ve had the iniative to suggest it after we both compiled a list. It seems he always suggested climbing a mountain either late evening when neither of us were in appropriate clothes or shoes or when it was raining and it “would’ve been a great idea if it was dry”. DP says he loves to drive and doesn’t mind being the designated driver, but the handful of times I have suggested day trips away he was quick to suggest we wait until the weather is better! I gave up asking but did take a few trips by train myself this summer while he worked on Saturday.

A few of my friends have basically lived the van life with their partners over summer and I have complete FOMO. They’ve converted their cars overnight and camped by the sea. It’s mid September but my close friend and her partner are currently travelling in his van on their joint days off with an airbed in the back, catching sunsets, and having lovely sea swims. I mentioned this to DP and all he said was how “we should do that”.

I lost my cool a little and initially went mute, choosing not to respond until I calmed down a bit. I suppose I just felt annoyed and irritated by DP because we had planned to do all of that but he never actually came through on the plans. As much as DP claims he loves to drive, I think he views me more as a “Passenger Princess” that can be an inconvenience at times. We live thirty minutes apart and he usually collects me and drops me home (twice a week total) but “joked” once about how he spends money on me by paying extra for fuel each week! I offered to get the bus instead but he said he “couldn’t have me on the bus” and he asked me to cover £30 of fuel before for a day trip we did take (where I paid for the lunch!).

I don’t view DP as a taxi and never have. I’ve never asked him to bring me anywhere or for a lift. I’ve always been respectful of him and have never purposely put him out. I’m insured on my friends car and typically whenever I need to go somewhere or to practice, she’s happy to let me take her car and come along for the spin!

OP posts:

Keroppi · 26/09/2023 03:38

Sorry I haven't read all of your post yet just to say you can be insured on your provisional with a separate policy look at Marmalade, you can do day ones so you could drive you two on the Sunday somewhere rather than wait for your mate to take you out
Perhaps u need to be planning stuff on a Sunday with your friend rather than him as obviously he is not ourdoorsy
What about rock climbing indoors?
Also watch youtube videos of driving test mocks and you can download Testi or Driving Test Now, I think I paid £15 or something and you can set it to autobook the next driving test slot that's convenient for you it's much better than waiting months
I passed third time so you can do it!!

Original poster

Sugarandbread · 26/09/2023 03:58

I’ve never actually heard of Marmalade. We discussed sticking me on temporarily for a weekend before so we could rotate driving as it was a long distance but we never went on the trip in the end 🙄.

We’re planning on going to his brothers at the weekend for his nieces birthday, it’s a four hour spin away but I presume we’ll be with his family for the entire weekend and won’t have time to go explore ourselves for a couple of hours. I’m a bit apprehensive about going because I’ve never met his brothers wife or child yet due to the distance and I wasn’t formally invited, I think DP just said I’d be coming along as they invited us down previously during summer so I feel a bit out of place. It will be DP and I, his sister, and his parents, along with his brother and family. I’m more than nervous about it! If we were staying in a hotel I’d feel more confident about going but I feel rude staying in his brothers house without properly meeting them.

What’s frustrating is that he claims to be outdoorsy and loves to camp but hasn’t actually followed through with any of this. For as long as I’ve known him, DP hasn’t camped and only brings the dog on walks around the field.

Absolutely, I’ve been binging the YouTube videos for my third test (fingers crossed I passed) but I haven’t been getting much practice time so I need to sort that out!

OP posts:

SillySausagez · 26/09/2023 04:30

More reason to pass your test and get yourself a small van.

JoanOgden · 26/09/2023 04:36

He sounds very passive, but I don't see why you couldn't have taken more initiative on planning days out? Find a date in the diary, agree what you will do, do it?

Do you live near public transport - if so you can use that. I live in London so don't have a car but had masses of days/weekends out over the summer by train.

dothehokeycokey · 26/09/2023 04:37

@Sugarandbread

Your your own individual and I would be passing my test and organising trips out without him

He clearly doesn't see it as a priority like you do so have your own bucket list.

If he doesn't have the same enthusiasm about it as you then maybe your not so compatible as there's more than one thing niggling you in your original post.

Life's too short to wait for others

Ragwort · 26/09/2023 04:38

You don't sound particularly compatible... you like camping, getting away and climbing mountains and it sounds as though he his happily content to spend his free time relaxing at home. Neither is right or wrong but you can't 'force him' to want to go climbing.
And if you don't want to go and stay with his family ... just say that you don't want to go (especially if you haven't even been invited - sounds very awkward).
What exactly does your BF like doing .... apart from watching Netflix? How did you meet in the first place?

Papillon23 · 26/09/2023 04:39

You can pay a small fee for a cancellation finder website for driving tests.

I think we used Testi.

I can see the whole thing sounds frustrating but I think the solution is to pass your reward and then you will be in control of what you're doing.

MaudGonneOutForAFag · 26/09/2023 06:11

I agree with a pp that you’re incompatible. He sounds dull and passive. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life sitting on the sofa at weekends? Pass your test and get on with what you want to do yourself or with friends. Don’t hang about waiting for Mr Can’t Be Bothered.

MiddleParking · 26/09/2023 06:21

Your boyfriend is a boring, passive-aggressive, tight cretin. Sack him off, pass your test and do outdoorsy things with other women.

Lemons1571 · 26/09/2023 06:26

What kind of idiot would be happy to let you drive uninsured? He sounds a dick.

EnchantedCastle · 26/09/2023 06:55

Be really wary of people who say they really like something that you do, but their actions show they are talking crap. My ex did this with so many things, even his politics! Gardening, camping, reading, all were supposedly enjoyed by him, it was done on purpose to make me like him. So glad I got rid, and he got nasty so yeah - be wary.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 26/09/2023 07:00

Staying with him will bore you to an early grave op.
Is he in his dotage?

theduchessofspork · 26/09/2023 07:00

I think you might be imagining he’s a person he’s not - if he was into outdoorsy stuff you’d be doing it. Him telling you he liked camping was just sales talk to get you interested.

Arrange to do some stuff with friends?

I find it extraordinary he’d let you drive uninsured - from that he does sound like a complete idiot. Are you sure this is the man for you?!

CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 07:03

I think you sound a bit demanding to be honest.

He does a 1 hour round trip twice a week to pick you up and you don’t even acknowledge that that is a pain.

Ideally you need your own car so you can share the driving load.

At the moment he knows all the driving is falling to him and it sounds like he resents it.

The fact that he had to ask you for petrol money shows you really do see him as the designated driver. You said you paid for lunch, but do you consistently ensure he is not out of pocket for all the times he drives you around?

And you think he needs to show initiative but have you actually planned a day out for the two of you yourself?

Changingplace · 26/09/2023 07:04

Have you actually agreed days when you’d do these trips and then he’s made excuses or was it more of a vague plan of ‘here’s some things we could do’?

If sounds annoying, but I’d give it a chance of getting him to agree on something very specific.

The car insurance is weird that he’s happy for you to drive uninsured, get your license as soon as you can so you don’t have to rely on him.

KrisAkabusi · 26/09/2023 07:10

I never annoyed him this Summer about taking a day trip as I hoped he would’ve had the initiative to suggest it after we both compiled a list.

It's on you then. If you want to do something, don't sit there seething, use your words! You said he suggested doing things, but it was too late. Why didn't you suggest them earlier then? You have to take some responsibility for this.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/09/2023 07:10

Yes it is up to you to sort out the driving. That’s on you. Get some proper lessons. Not rely on a friend to take you out casually.

as for the weekends, either you’re going to have to organise them or not go. Passive aggressively waiting for him to do it then sulking when he doesn’t is getting you nowhere.

tbh he sounds boring.

Lulooo · 26/09/2023 07:11

Do you contribute towards the cost of fuel for the times he picks you up twice a week, 30 min drive each way? If not, why not?

Wakeywake · 26/09/2023 07:20

So you've never organised anything, he's not organised anything, but somehow it's just his fault because you were waiting on him to take the initiative? You both sound passive.

LizzieSiddal · 26/09/2023 07:25

I couldn’t be with someone who thinks driving without insurance is ok. His morals are not good.

CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 07:27

Wakeywake · 26/09/2023 07:20

So you've never organised anything, he's not organised anything, but somehow it's just his fault because you were waiting on him to take the initiative? You both sound passive.

Agreed. And what’s more he drives her everywhere, she never offers petrol money, and yet she swears down that she doesn’t see ‘view him as a taxi’ 🙄

DimOGwbl · 26/09/2023 07:31

A 4 hour 'spin' somewhere? Behave OP.

Parlourgames · 26/09/2023 07:32

Learn to drive, pass your test, but your own vehicle.

CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 07:40

DimOGwbl · 26/09/2023 07:31

A 4 hour 'spin' somewhere? Behave OP.

Because she doesn’t drive and the boyfriend is the taxi, so it does seem like just a ‘spin’ to her,

PaperNests · 26/09/2023 07:59

What if you take the driving out of it, what is his interest like for trips and weekends away in general? Maybe plan a trip by train instead? It's hard to tell whether the issue is related to driving or that he doesn't enjoy outdoor activities.

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