AIBU, DP & I didn’t fulfil our road trip bucket list?

[Sugarandbread]

DP’s the driver in our relationship. I have a provisional license and have failed my driving test twice and I am waiting on the resit since June. When DP renewed his insurance, I suggested going on as a Named Driver (paying the premium difference) but he renewed with his father on the policy instead. DP offers to take me out driving and would happily let me drive around the back roads and village uninsured but I don’t feel comfortable with this. I work in Insurance and know the repercussions would be worse as I should know better (and do).

Around April we had a big talk about our Summer plans because we’re wasting our weekends away indoors watching Netflix and not really doing anything exciting together. I suggested that as we’re both off on Sundays, we should take day trips to different places and plan for more overnight trips away. Some of these day trips weren’t even a thirty minute spin away, and we’re fortunate to have some lovely accessible and climbable mountains in our area. It’s now September and we haven’t even ticked off one of these places from our travel bucket list (made together). DP was really keen about this idea and even suggested buying a tent so we could camp overnight as he’s too tall for car camping.

Any overnight trip whether abroad or within the country I have to plan as DP wouldn’t have the iniative to plan a trip away. In DP’s defence, I never annoyed him this Summer about taking a day trip as I hoped he would’ve had the iniative to suggest it after we both compiled a list. It seems he always suggested climbing a mountain either late evening when neither of us were in appropriate clothes or shoes or when it was raining and it “would’ve been a great idea if it was dry”. DP says he loves to drive and doesn’t mind being the designated driver, but the handful of times I have suggested day trips away he was quick to suggest we wait until the weather is better! I gave up asking but did take a few trips by train myself this summer while he worked on Saturday.

A few of my friends have basically lived the van life with their partners over summer and I have complete FOMO. They’ve converted their cars overnight and camped by the sea. It’s mid September but my close friend and her partner are currently travelling in his van on their joint days off with an airbed in the back, catching sunsets, and having lovely sea swims. I mentioned this to DP and all he said was how “we should do that”.

I lost my cool a little and initially went mute, choosing not to respond until I calmed down a bit. I suppose I just felt annoyed and irritated by DP because we had planned to do all of that but he never actually came through on the plans. As much as DP claims he loves to drive, I think he views me more as a “Passenger Princess” that can be an inconvenience at times. We live thirty minutes apart and he usually collects me and drops me home (twice a week total) but “joked” once about how he spends money on me by paying extra for fuel each week! I offered to get the bus instead but he said he “couldn’t have me on the bus” and he asked me to cover £30 of fuel before for a day trip we did take (where I paid for the lunch!).

I don’t view DP as a taxi and never have. I’ve never asked him to bring me anywhere or for a lift. I’ve always been respectful of him and have never purposely put him out. I’m insured on my friends car and typically whenever I need to go somewhere or to practice, she’s happy to let me take her car and come along for the spin!

We discussed sticking me on temporarily for a weekend before so we could rotate driving as it was a long distance but we never went on the trip in the end 🙄.

i can’t think of a scenario where I’d think it’s a good idea to rotate a long distance drive with someone who doesn’t have their license.

I have offered countless times to get the bus to DPs house rather have him collect me and he insists he can’t have me on the bus, and would be offended if I did take the bus. I do not view DP as a taxi at all.

I don’t contribute to fuel because I buy the food every Saturday evening whether it’s a takeaway or a restaurant. On Sundays, he might pay for breakfast (we seldom go for breakfast) but I’ll also buy lunch so I end up spending more money than DP to compensate for his time spent driving. So when he asked me for £30, that was on top of all the food I had paid for over the weekend!

He often jokes about me spending more money on our relationship than I and how he’s my sugar baby. DP is very well looked after! The only thing that DP does that may put him out is collect and drive me home, but he has been told countless times there is alternative options.

We had a few glamping trips planned overnight that had free cancellation, and a few day trips pencilled in to go see both of our friends and confirmed the date with them. When it came to the glamping trips, DP apparently had no money for his share or was running low on cash and suggested we do something together that would be free instead. I refused to offer to pay for his share because we agreed to split things 50/50 including the fuel for these trips. In terms of the day trips pencilled in, his friends cancelled each time and I ended up taking a train or bus to see my friends as DP didn’t feel up for the journey after work (completely understandably).

I have asked DP countless times does he resent being the designated driver and he said he prefers it. He went as far to say he probably feel frustrated in a car with me because he hates being anyone’s passenger.

I have suggested countless times splitting any drive we do and temporarily insuring me on his car or sticking me down on the policy but it never happens. As said, DP would let me drive the car uninsured but I refuse to.

Why are you raising this at the end of September, if it was a summer bucket list?

If the first weekend passed without doing anything, what conversation did you have? I'd have said 'Let's get ourselves organised for next weekend - what picnic food do we need to buy, have we got our clothes sorted for climbing, what time shall we set the alarm clock on Sunday, shall we fill up the car on Saturday? etc.'

It’s hard to believe considering I failed the test twice but I can drive, I’ve been driving for a couple of years (farming background) but I’ve picked up really bad habits that have thrown me off in the test.

I thought that "DP" and you lived together and was going to say YANBU but he actually lives an hour away. He's not a glorified driving instructor. Having said that he's not exactly a go-getter (at worst) or a forward planner (at best). Then again you're equally guilty of it yourself.

You need to focus and get your licence sorted out. As you're on different pages in terms of doing things dumping him might help with that focus.

All the concrete plans we had made fell through so I never bothered. I would announce I was going off to do something and he wouldn’t pay any attention or invite himself along. I said that I was doing a Cliff Walk on Saturday and he was more than welcome to come, I could push it out until Sunday and he said “the forecast doesn’t look as good for Sunday so you go on ahead without me”!

I have bought DP a tent along with other camping bits and often ask when we’re going to go camping but I think he thinks I’m joking! For context, he asked me to buy these gifts for his birthday, I didn’t force them or the idea of camping on him

I don't understand why you have this attitude of waiting for him to take the initiative and plan something - maybe he feels the same way about you, in which case you're never going to do anything.

If you want to do something, plan when and get it done. Book a date in. Divvy up prep tasks. Should you have to do all the mental lifting? No. Will it be worth it if you get to do the things you want? Yes.

Just get on and plan stuff so you're not waiting indefinitely until you've passed your test and have your own car and can take yourself off places.

He lives HALF an hour away, not an hour (that includes there and back for him) so 15 minutes each way and up to 20 if there’s traffic. On the bus, it’s 30-35 minutes each way depending on the route they take.

Stop spending money on him, use that money for some driving lessons with a professional to get rid of your bad habits, then save up for your own car and live your own life. He is all talk and no action.

I think people are missing the fact regardless of owning a car, I still take myself places albeit bus or train or friends vehicle. I’m not waiting around for DP and take the initiative to do things alone but I’m just upset with DP for telling me he likes and wants to do all these things but shuts them down as soon as they’re mentioned, but insists they’re things he really wants to do.

I’m very independent and I am happy to things solo. However, I would prefer to do things with DP and make some nice “travel” memories together. I don’t think this is an unreasonable request because we bonded over our love of travelling when we initially met and it’s essentially what brought us together. We dated for a month and had already planned trips away to concerts and other things (that happened) but now DP & I are settled into our relationship, he’s stopped making an effort or trying.

We bought tickets for Paolo Nutini and he told me last minute he forgot to book it off and couldn’t go despite raving about how excited he was since I bought the tickets. I couldn’t find someone to go last minute and went alone!

How old is he and what job does he do that he can’t face anything after work @Sugarandbread

And if You have picked up bad habits you need proper lessons, not going for a “spin” with some random mate or uninsured on the back roads with your lazy lummox of a BF

Sounds like you are just into different things. I'm not a mountain walks and car camping kind of woman. If that's what my new boyfriend was into, we would probably call it a day.

Sounds like he isn't the right one for you.

Pass your test and go do these things with friends. You're more likely to meet like minded men whilst doing these activities.

Honestly you sound bored of each other. How long have you been together?

How old is he? Honestly I’m not sure he will ever change. I had a similar experience with a boyfriend who just couldn’t push himself out of his comfort zone. Would talk about travelling but when push came to shove always made an excuse. I think you should cut your losses and find someone more suited to your adventurous spirit.

I rarely say this but your relationship dynamic sounds exhausting. Barbed jokes about money, you building resentment as you silently “test” him to see if he takes the initiative rather than just communicating, suggesting “countless times” for things that don’t happen (although I have my own ideas about how those “countless” suggestions that you get the bus play out, but I may be wrong of course)…the fun parts are not supposed to be this hard, so what are you getting out of this relationship?

You obviously have very different outlooks on what constitutes enjoyable leisure time regardless of his initial “ooh I love travel and the outdoors, me” sales pitch, so you either accept that and make separate plans or you find someone more compatible.

He sounds wet and I think he negs you. Judge him by what he does, not what he says he wants to do.

How long have you have you been together?

I think the driving is a red herring tbh - if he wanted to do these trips, he’d be suggesting it regardless of who drove. People who like hiking and climbing don’t go a whole summer season without doing any. He doesn’t actually have any interest in doing it, or he’d have been nagging you to go, not vice versa.

Depends on how much of a dealbreaker that is for you, but what he is offering is sofa dates and tv/dinner at his. To be fair to him, that is what 99% of relationships involve after the initial shine has worn off. If you want an outdoorsy person, look elsewhere.

Agree with @SoundTheSirens it sounds exhausting. And you do sound a bit 'passenger princess' just get to his house under your own steam if you want to.
With all this seething resent you haven't been chauffeured about on your holiday as you want, I'd honestly think you were my non driving colleague who is seething with resent her dp isn't leaping to spend a summer driving them on Route 66.

I honestly think non drivers don't get the mental load of driving especially if its on holiday or long distances.
She also gets pissed off when he doesn't want to go on Sunday drives to naice Country pubs, while he can sip on a fruit juice and she has wine/g&t.

Sounds to me as though he likes the idea of trips and outdoor activities but not the reality of doing it.

I had a friend at uni who was an avid reader of Trail magazine but never moved from the sofa in his spare time. People who talk about doing things but don't do them are infuriating.

You're a relationship with a couch potatoe and you need to make your own plans for activities and carry them out by yourself or with friends.

I agree with the previous poster.

Stop worrying about him. Get your test passed and get yourself a van and go and have some actual fun. This sounds a drag.

How odd so he was travelling and outdoorsy and that is how you met but now you are together he has had a complete personality change and couldn’t even take a single day trip all summer.

So, either he is having financial problems but doesn’t want to admit them or he is struggling with mental/physical illness that causes fatigue so he spends his day off recuperating and doesn’t want to admit that.

Or, he was only travelling and being outdoorsy to meet someone and now he has you, he has reverted to his true home body introverted personality.

I think you need to get to the bottom of what is going on with him.

I think this song is about your DP

”I lied about being the outdoor type, I’ve never owned a sleeping bag,,let alone a mountain bike” ”I can’t go away with you on a rock climbing weekend. What if somethings on TV and it’s never shown again?”

I never annoyed him this Summer about taking a day trip as I hoped he would’ve had the initiative to suggest it after we both compiled a list.

But you were the one who wanted to go and do exciting weekends away? He was just going along with your wishes - he was never going to drive the project. And actually it sounds like you didn't have any drive to do it either, although the idea appealed to you.

And as for your friends "living the van life"... driving an hour and then sleeping in a tent on Saturday night (in an exceptionally wet summer) before returning to work on Monday wouldn't really have ticked that box. And apart from a few carefully composed photos, I strongly doubt your friends were "living the van life" either, so don't feel bad - just book in a few weekends away for next summer, and get your license by then.

Take charge of your own life and stop blaming other people