AIBU, DP & I didn’t fulfil our road trip bucket list?

[Sugarandbread]

DP’s the driver in our relationship. I have a provisional license and have failed my driving test twice and I am waiting on the resit since June. When DP renewed his insurance, I suggested going on as a Named Driver (paying the premium difference) but he renewed with his father on the policy instead. DP offers to take me out driving and would happily let me drive around the back roads and village uninsured but I don’t feel comfortable with this. I work in Insurance and know the repercussions would be worse as I should know better (and do).

Around April we had a big talk about our Summer plans because we’re wasting our weekends away indoors watching Netflix and not really doing anything exciting together. I suggested that as we’re both off on Sundays, we should take day trips to different places and plan for more overnight trips away. Some of these day trips weren’t even a thirty minute spin away, and we’re fortunate to have some lovely accessible and climbable mountains in our area. It’s now September and we haven’t even ticked off one of these places from our travel bucket list (made together). DP was really keen about this idea and even suggested buying a tent so we could camp overnight as he’s too tall for car camping.

Any overnight trip whether abroad or within the country I have to plan as DP wouldn’t have the iniative to plan a trip away. In DP’s defence, I never annoyed him this Summer about taking a day trip as I hoped he would’ve had the iniative to suggest it after we both compiled a list. It seems he always suggested climbing a mountain either late evening when neither of us were in appropriate clothes or shoes or when it was raining and it “would’ve been a great idea if it was dry”. DP says he loves to drive and doesn’t mind being the designated driver, but the handful of times I have suggested day trips away he was quick to suggest we wait until the weather is better! I gave up asking but did take a few trips by train myself this summer while he worked on Saturday.

A few of my friends have basically lived the van life with their partners over summer and I have complete FOMO. They’ve converted their cars overnight and camped by the sea. It’s mid September but my close friend and her partner are currently travelling in his van on their joint days off with an airbed in the back, catching sunsets, and having lovely sea swims. I mentioned this to DP and all he said was how “we should do that”.

I lost my cool a little and initially went mute, choosing not to respond until I calmed down a bit. I suppose I just felt annoyed and irritated by DP because we had planned to do all of that but he never actually came through on the plans. As much as DP claims he loves to drive, I think he views me more as a “Passenger Princess” that can be an inconvenience at times. We live thirty minutes apart and he usually collects me and drops me home (twice a week total) but “joked” once about how he spends money on me by paying extra for fuel each week! I offered to get the bus instead but he said he “couldn’t have me on the bus” and he asked me to cover £30 of fuel before for a day trip we did take (where I paid for the lunch!).

I don’t view DP as a taxi and never have. I’ve never asked him to bring me anywhere or for a lift. I’ve always been respectful of him and have never purposely put him out. I’m insured on my friends car and typically whenever I need to go somewhere or to practice, she’s happy to let me take her car and come along for the spin!

How daft you were to let the entire summer pass you by while you sat sulking because he didn’t take the initiative to suggest trips or weekends away… why on earth didn’t you say ‘right let’s do xyz today’ rather than just sitting around in mute misery?!
Seems like both of you have shit communication skills and are very passive in different areas of your lives.
As for ‘van life’, pass your test and do it yourself. I suspect you won’t because that would require actual effort rather than just starry eyed dreaming.
I’d argue you’re not all that well suited overall.

It doesn't sound as if either of you were particularly proactive about planning any day or overnight trips.

He does sound a bit passive but so do you.

If he's doing all the driving I feel like you could take the lead on the decision making maybe?

You say some of your choices are 30 mins away so I don't really see what planning is required tbh. Surely just 'pick me up at 9am on Saturday and we'll go to wherever.'

I think that it is OK to dream about a bucket list of things to do

However, it does seem strange that you have not ticked one thing off the list, so far this year !

Is there a local walking group that you could join ?
Or a wild camping group
Or a wild swimming group

I would spend this year trying to get your driving test completed

Honestly why are you with him?

He is holding you back and all that "can't have you on the bus" crap taken with the refusing to allow you to pay to be a named driver on the insurance added to the stuff about loving the stuff you want to do but never agreeing to do any of it sounds like someone who is going to become controlling and difficult.

Walk away. Get some driving lessons, put in for a cancellation test asap. Plan some independent travel. Join some hiking groups etc to meet people who genuinely enjoy DOING the same things you do not just the idea of them.

The driving thing seems a red herring to me. OP could pass her test tomorrow and he’d still be totally passive, she’ll just be doing all the organising and driving.

And why should she contribute to fuel or feel guilty that he’s picking her up if she’s said she’s perfectly happy to get the bus, it’s him who insists on driving (presumably because of some kind of misplaced “no girlfriend of mine is getting the bus” pride like public transport is something to be ashamed of).

Take turns to be in charge of each Sunday’s plans (look up the weather and decide what to do, research routes, make any bookings etc). Give it a month and see if he actually does his turn. But talk about it beforehand, he’s not a mind reader.

Without meaning to sound harsh, it sounds like he simply doesn’t want to go on these trips and with you. Having no money last minute, always having weather concerns and even forgetting to book leave for the concert tickets you bought.

He sounds flaky and like a bit of a time waster to be honest! You sound like you’re putting a lot of effort into making things as easy as possible for him and he still isn’t keen. I would move on and meet someone more on your page who wants to do things at the weekend!

I don't understand why you seem to be saying that your DP didn't take the initiative in respect of taking a weekend trip during the summer . Did you not say to him eg on a Friday, 'weather looking good this weekend - shall we go to on Sunday?' So a discussion takes place in respect of that particular weekend, not sometime in the future . Equally, if he was not very enthusiastic after you had suggested a couple of times, you could arrange something with a friend and just tell him what you will be doing. Or arrange weekends with a friend anyway.

I think that you are linking the issues of you not being a driver and your partner not arranging weekends away too much; they are separate issues really .

You can have more than one named driver on a policy.... I had my ex and my mum for instance..

Maybe he just doesn't want a new driver using his car? Get your licence, get your own car and do your trips!

Get your groove back, Stella! Life is too short to waste on people who don't want to get off the sofa.

OK - I've read a few more of your posts OP - and I agree with posters who say that this relationship isn't going anywhere, you don't communicate well, you don't seem to have a lot in common. You seem to be coasting along together because neither of you has the drive to either move the relationship forward or finish it .

I have offered countless times to get the bus to DPs house rather have him collect me and he insists he can’t have me on the bus, and would be offended if I did take the bus

I can't stand people who seem to have something against buses.
"Can't have you on the bus" - what the fuck???
I'd dump him for that to be honest but these days I have absolutely no patience for such fuckery from a partner.

You are complaining about him - and yeah he would get on my nerves. He sounds flaky (flaking out on the concert for example) but at the same time, you aren't much better because you seem quite passive.
I wouldn't have been waiting around for him to suggest doing one of the things on the bucket list. Once it became clear he wasn't going to be doing stuff I'd have either done it on my own or gone with friends.
How many mountains have you climbed this season? How many times have you slept out in the tent this summer?
If that's what you wanted to do you could have done that, with or without him. I know you did some trips on the train on your own but to be honest, I really wouldn't have wasted all the Sundays sitting around waiting for him to do something.

He talks the talk but he doesn't walk the walk. I think he's one of these who just says any old bollocks to get and keep a woman. It's future-faking - oh yes, we'll get a van and park at the beach and swim naked at sunrise; oh yes, we'll drive somewhere, hike a mountain and sleep out under the stars. Will he fuck... he has no interest in any of these things. If you are really into the outdoors (like I am) you can't stop yourself wanting to be out there and are out on every possible occasion. Netflix is for the days when it's absolutely pissing it down (and even then I'm usually planning the next trip while a show is playing in the background....)

I think you just don't sound compatible OP.
You need to pass your driving licence and get your own vehicle (a van if you want but an estate car works quite nicely for sleeping in too). I wouldn't rely on being able to use his car, even if you do contribute towards the costs and insurance. (I had this issue with my ex who kept restricting when I could use it, even though he wasn't use it and I very quickly decided to buy my own which he was furious about because he no longer had control over when and where I went....)
Split up with him if you think he's holding you back from doing the things you want to do.
Do the things that make you happy and don't waste your life on someone who is not compatible and doesn't want to do those things.
Always judge someone by what they do not what they say

This thread reminded me of "The Outdoor Type", and I feel the lyrics may sum up the situation:

Always had a roof above me
Always paid the rent
But I've never set foot inside a tent
Can't build a fire to save my life
I lied about being the outdoor type
I've never slept out underneath the stars,
The closest that I came to that was one time my car
Broke down for an hour in the suburbs at night
I lied about being the outdoor type.
Too scared to let you know you knew what you were looking for
I lied until I fit the bill god bless the great indoors
I lied about being the outdoor type
I've never owned a sleeping bag let alone a mountain bike
I can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend
What if somethings on tv and its never shown again
Its just as well I'm not invited I'm afraid of heights
I lied about being the outdoor type
Never learned to swim can't grow a beard or even fight
I lied about being the outdoor type

Mind you, before you dump him, make sure you are not also lying about being the outdoor type

How old are you and how king have your been together?

It doesn't sound like either of you took the initiative with arrangements, so I think you are mutually to blame for your summer.

It doesn't sound like he really enjoys these activities, if he always makes an excuse to get out of them. Equally, if he suggests something later on and you are in the wrong clothes, can't you just get changed and go for it?

I think that comparing yourself to what friends are doing is never a great plan. You have to find your own dynamic. What do you enjoy doing together?

I'm the one in our relationship who likes to get out and about. Therefore, I'm the one who has ideas and negotiates with dp what he's happy to come with me to do. Sometimes he comes because he knows I like it. Sometimes I find other companions or go alone because I know he's not keen.

You cannot share the driving with your DP as you have not passed your test? So if you were behind the wheel he is not getting a break as he is still the only person with a license. I have been a driver for decades and I would not even consider that on roads I do know as too much stress.

Even if you had passed your test it would still be your DPs car and especially as you do not live together he may not want you driving his car.

If you’re serious about this man, you need to think about the bigger picture. This is a relatively small issue in the grand scheme of things, but if you see yourself doing life with this man you need to have a frank discussion of how you both want to run things, and essentially what kind of partnership you want. You can’t have one person doing all the planning, and the other person along for the ride (ironically the one with the drivers license). This will spill into other aspects of your life, like if you have kids, you’ll end up doing everything if you’re not careful. But to me this also sounds like a communication issue. Speak up, ask him to plan things, hopefully you get your license soon and if you don’t see an improvement in him stepping up, then think about if you want to spend the rest of your life waiting for him to take initiative. It’s a good sign he’s happy to drive you for now and won’t let you take the bus. It shows he cares and wants to look after you. But he needs to show it in other ways too, like planning fun activities for you both.

You need to take responsibility for your own life op

You are blaming him and focusing on a lack of a car. Plenty of people don't have cars.

You only live once op get a life ! Organise what you want to do . You seem very passive and obsessed with driving as the key to doing things

He definitely lied about being the outdoor type to get you interested. I hate that-not a genuine person -hee a fake. and I echo what a pp said about him not letting you get the bus with that “can’t have you on the bus” bollocks but at the same time not putting you on his insurance -that stuff is controlling and will probably get worse.

Why is getting another test taking so long? My son was 17 mid June and passed beginning of July. You just need to watch all the test centres in your area everyday as spots do come up. Don’t stick to one test centre try them all within a 50 mile radius. Do the test in your friends car. You just need L plates and an additional rear view mirror.

OP, you sound so much like me a few years back. I was very passive, always dreaming of trips and activities, trying to get ex-DP on board, and then feeling so tired and resentful when nothing came of it, as he would not want to go despite professing himself as a passionate camper etc. I just didn't realise that I could go by myself, or with friends. I also can't drive, but trains and buses do get you pretty far.

I spent so much of my adult life not doing things that I wanted to do and blaming other people for it. Now my life is much more restricted because I have three young kids and I still can't drive, but I take the initiative and if I want us to go out somewhere, then I sort it out and we just bloody go. If DH doesn't want to drive, then we have train and bus options for days out.

You only get one life, and you are in charge of yourself. Start doing all the things you want to do without him (and without a car) and he'll either come along for the ride or he won't.

You've said he's cancelled plans last minute by not having booked time off, not having the money or not feeling up to it. Not sure the driving actually has anything to do with it, the guy just sounds unreliable.