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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to take my mum to court over years of emotional abuse & manipulation

94 replies

Howdoidoitt · 24/09/2023 19:04

I have finally confided in some family I trust about the years of emotional, verbal and mental abuse my mum has put me through for the last 10 years.

I finally feel like something that recently happened is the last straw, and I am finally ready to cut her off.

My one weakness has been her threats of going to court for custody of my son if I dare cut her off, I’ve been too frightened.

But I have been reassured this cannot happen.

I have gone from feeling weak and confused and desperate for her love and approval to being angry. I am so, so angry.

I have spoken with my partner and both he and I have decided to do something about the extreme distress she has put me through. But I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t want something serious to happen to her, but I want security knowing she is kept well away from me and my family.

I have years of evidence in the form of text messages, messages between her and my partner, and witnesses - my sister and a friend who has also known her for the best part of 12 years. But she is articulate and manipulative and comes across as a well put together, intelligent woman, and I’m scared nobody else is going to believe me.

I’m just wanting some advice of any route I can take really, any suggestions or anyone who has experienced abusive/narcissistic parents before.

I just want to know she won’t be able to get to me again.

OP posts:

user746016 · 24/09/2023 19:05

Do t be ridiculous. You can’t sue for that.

Pippa12 · 24/09/2023 19:06

I think you just need to go no contact.

theduchessofspork · 24/09/2023 19:06

I would have a chat with women’s aid as a starting point.

And try and organise some therapy, sounds like you need some support to process all this.

BrieAndChilli · 24/09/2023 19:07

Just stop talking to her. You don’t have to see her at all. you don’t have to announce it or make it a thing just stop replying to messages or picking up the phone etc.

if your child is in nursery or school then just make sure that they know she is not allowed contact or to pick up your children.

if she does decide to take you to court (which I don’t think any lawyer would tell her she has a case) then you as you say have evidence/witnesses.

Butterkist8 · 24/09/2023 19:08

Honestly, you can't sue your mum for being a cow.
She can't take your children from you.
Just block her on all forums.

Flickersy · 24/09/2023 19:08

My one weakness has been her threats of going to court for custody of my son if I dare cut her off, I’ve been too frightened.

Unless your son is living with her or has lived with her for a fair period of time, this is complete nonsense. No grandparent would be able to obtain a residence order or a special guardianship order without good cause. Asserting you think your daughter is a bad parent won't cut it. You're allowing her to scare you when she has bugger all.

Your best bet is to cut contact and move.

Oysterbabe · 24/09/2023 19:08

Do you mean some kind of restraining order?
You won't be able to claim compensation if that's what you're looking for.

Butterkist8 · 24/09/2023 19:09

That being said, why would you think that she could take your child from you?

solvendie · 24/09/2023 19:10

I’m so sorry that you have gone through this - it’s emotionally and physically draining. The best advice give is to walk away and heal yourself. Do not engage in litigation as this will draw out the emotion for longer. If your mother will not cease to engage you could ask a solicitor to write a letter but I would just disengage and ignore any further contact.

I hope you can disengage and move on

Freezingcoldinseptember · 24/09/2023 19:10

Cut her off and keep your dc away. She has no rights. . I have been nc for 2 decades. She doesn't see my dc.

cuddlebear · 24/09/2023 19:10

I do understand. Honestly I do, but this will not end well.

The only route out of this is NC.

Court action is indirect contact, and gives her chances to continue to abuse you. Block her (and any Flying Monkeys) on everything. Do not write to her/call her/text her/see her. I lived thirty doors away from my mother and have managed to stay totally NC for over ten years so far.

Do not discuss her with anyone who has contact with her. If you haven’t already done so, get counselling to try to help you to recover.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 24/09/2023 19:12

I don't think OP wants to sue! I'd imagine they're thinking of something like a non molestation order?

OP, I think what you need to do is send her a final message in writing (so you have proof) that you are blocking her number / emails etc and you wish to have absolutely no contact with her from here on. That you'll regard any contact from her as harrassment. And mean it - go strict no contact. If she does start trying to interact with you then report to the police for harrassment.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 24/09/2023 19:15

Cut her off completely and get on with your life with the people who love you. Your silence and refusal to engage will get to her way more than any legal fighting will. I say that from experience, ignoring a narcissist is your most powerful weapon.

Neverseenthatmuchjunkinthetrunkbefore · 24/09/2023 19:17

Block her from having any contact. You do seem very anxious and a bit unrealistic. You can’t sue her and she can’t take your child- just Google those things instead of living in a high state of anxiety.

Block her number from mob and house phone, email. Send her a brief letter saying you want no more contact with her and not to attempt to contact you or your family. Don’t answer calls, front doors, letters or emails.

NeedToChangeName · 24/09/2023 19:20

Block

Or grey rock

She could apply to court for a residence order. But is there any reason to think your DC might be better off living with her? If not, I don't know why you're giving that any headspace

EvilElsa · 24/09/2023 19:22

Go no contact totally. Block her numbers/emails. Change your phone number. Return letters unopened or rip up and bin.
We did this as a family to FIL. Didn't respond to bad mouthing on social media (blocked him but family members would tell us. We would shrug and not respond. Just acted like he didn't exist). He has now passed away but we never reconciled and are absolutely fine with it.

AdoraBell · 24/09/2023 19:24

YANBU to feel this way, but it’s better to cut contact. She will try to sue but it won’t work.

napody · 24/09/2023 19:27

NeedToChangeName · 24/09/2023 19:20

Block

Or grey rock

She could apply to court for a residence order. But is there any reason to think your DC might be better off living with her? If not, I don't know why you're giving that any headspace

Oh fgs courts don't just get to decide whether a child is 'better off living with' a grandparent - there has to be serious social services involvement and the child under threat of removal from a parent first. Any child might be 'better off' living in another family... that's not up to the courts to decide!

LemonQuiche · 24/09/2023 19:27

Cut her off entirely, and carry on with your life. I understand your anger but further action of the kind you propose, if it’s even possible, is only going string things out and give her more opportunity to abuse you. Just go no contact, there’s absolutely nothing she can do.

AnonAnonandAriston · 24/09/2023 19:28

Butterkist8 · 24/09/2023 19:08

Honestly, you can't sue your mum for being a cow.
She can't take your children from you.
Just block her on all forums.

This. Stop overthinking it

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 24/09/2023 19:30

Block her number and her social media, maybe change yours. If she comes to your home tell her to go away and not come back. If she chooses to harass you then report the harassment. In my experience, restraining orders etc aren’t put into place unless something has already happened. It hasn’t yet, in the form of harassment. Tell other people not to pass on messages from her to you. Usually this sort of thing happens, either because people thing they’re being helpful or they love the drama.

Look into therapy or counselling, it really might help. Anger is good for now as it’s got you taking steps to protect yourself and your family but carrying that around longterm isn’t good for you. She can’t take your child from you and it’s a shame that you’ve spent such a long time thinking she could rather than seeking reassurance that wouldn’t happen, by seeking legal advice or even Google.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 24/09/2023 19:33

There is a good saying "If the only thing that is connecting you to another person is anger, you are still connected ". I won't go down the litigation route. I suggest you get a good therapist even if you have to go private (litigation costs money too). Your mum is a bully as all abusive people are. Once you emerge a strong and confident person it will be the worst punishment for her and best outcome for you, your partner and your children

StartUpHelp · 24/09/2023 19:33

Honestly, don't put yout energy into creative ways of making her pay, the best thing you can do is to move on and live your life happy and free from her.

What dreams and hopes have you got for the future?
Don't waste your time looking back. Look forward, cut her off and step into your life without her.

And agree with others re therapy. Get all of your anger and emotions properly processed.

Original poster

Howdoidoitt · 24/09/2023 19:35

I didn’t mean sue, I meant I want something in place to keep her away, sorry if it came across like that - as I said I don’t know what I’m doing. And it’s now being a cow, I’ve been in therapy for years dealing with this

OP posts:

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 24/09/2023 19:38

Just block her. No need for all of the drama that you are imagining with custody battles and taking her to court, both of which are entirely unnecessary and overdramatic. Block her and then if she lies about why, use all of the tons of evidence you have to set the record straight to the people she lies to. It’s simple. I speak from experience, btw - my mother broke my jaw and we are now 17 years NC.

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