I want to take my mum to court over years of emotional abuse & manipulation

[Howdoidoitt]

I have finally confided in some family I trust about the years of emotional, verbal and mental abuse my mum has put me through for the last 10 years.

I finally feel like something that recently happened is the last straw, and I am finally ready to cut her off.

My one weakness has been her threats of going to court for custody of my son if I dare cut her off, I’ve been too frightened.

But I have been reassured this cannot happen.

I have gone from feeling weak and confused and desperate for her love and approval to being angry. I am so, so angry.

I have spoken with my partner and both he and I have decided to do something about the extreme distress she has put me through. But I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t want something serious to happen to her, but I want security knowing she is kept well away from me and my family.

I have years of evidence in the form of text messages, messages between her and my partner, and witnesses - my sister and a friend who has also known her for the best part of 12 years. But she is articulate and manipulative and comes across as a well put together, intelligent woman, and I’m scared nobody else is going to believe me.

I’m just wanting some advice of any route I can take really, any suggestions or anyone who has experienced abusive/narcissistic parents before.

I just want to know she won’t be able to get to me again.

Of course OP can take action for this abuse.
It's a crime.
OP I would contact a family law firm who specialise in this - your average law firm wouldn't.
And get advice from a charity who may be able to signpost you.

@WandaWonder What sort of information are you looking for me to include? I’m not asking whether I have been emotionally abused or not. I’m asking what I do because I have been.

I think some people on here don't understand that some abusive parents are basically stalkers.

My Mother's only pleasure is being in control and her only purpose is to generate fear, so her victims never try to escape.

She was never going to 'let' me go. All the people around her saw was this old woman talking about how much she loved me and my kids and how confused she was by my hurtful behaviour after all she had done for me.

Every time I blocked her, she found another way to contact me. Her last successful contact was leaving a note on my car - my brother knew the make and model of a car I had bought and she left a note to ensure I knew he leaked info.

Making a huge move and changing my name was the only way to escape her. I still have nightmares about her but I do feel unburdened to have cut her out of my life.

You cannot reasonably sue and that is, quite frankly, a ridiculous idea. You can however decide to stop wasting time feeling angry and go on to focus on enjoying your own life.
Going NC can be a lot harder than people think. They may initially feel elated, but often the stress lingers and they don't move on. There are lots of good websites that give advice on the pros and cons of NC and how to move forward emotionally with decisions etc.

I've been on the receiving end of no contact and it's been a hurtful and very confusing experience as I have not been given any reasons for it. I would recommend, when you have calmed down, writing to your mother explaining your reasons for going forward alone. Get others to look it over. That way it might help bring you closure. She might be less inclined to keep contacting you if she has an explanation. Unfortunately some parents just don't realise the impact of their behaviour upon their children. They may still love their children, but act unpleasantly, defensively or lash out.

@Oioicaptain nobody said anything about suing

I'm so sorry for what you have suffered, please read this https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation
Womens aid or citizens advice can help you with the application if needed. You can also report them to the police or get help from NCDV https://www.ncdv.org.uk/self-referrals/

The courts will only be an option once you take steps yourself and she then proceeds to harass you. Go nc, block her number and send a written letter recorded delivery explaining you want no more contact from now on and appreciate her compliance in not trying to approach you (and children) keep a copy of said letter and the recorded delivery confirmation printed.

If she doesn't follow your wishes you can then approach the authorities for anti harassment measures to be put in place, you just need to price she won't comply with a request first!

Yes, if they are actively harassing or
abusing you now you can apply for an on molestation order in the civil court, either with the help of a solicitor or
for
free - the link above will direct you to Courtnav for a guide through the form. If awarded, it can allow for any breaches of the order to be treated as a criminal
offence I.e they could be arrested and prosecuted. It’s not a long term order - it will be likely be 6 or 12 months.

I work in the CJS and have seen several cases of parents taking out non molestation orders on their adult kids. So theoretically no reason why you couldn’t take one out on your mother.

As a pp advised, take the steps to tell her you want no further contact. Then take it further if she doesn’t comply.

I don’t know if this is helpful or applicable to your situation, but after 3 months of NC, I had a very frank and open conversation with my mum about the attachment issues that we have, and that I wasn’t prepared to continue the relationship that we had of using each other as an emotional punch bag. Since then, we’ve been so much better and have much more of an honest and open relationship with each other. She’s had a horrific life of so much trauma and I am very grateful of her support and friendship.
The very best thing about having attachment issues is that it can be solved with hard work on both sides!
I love my mum, I’m incredibly grateful for the things that she did for us when we were little and accept that although what she did wasn’t always what was needed, it was her doing her best. Having those conversations with her and accepting our own limitations was very important for me and for our relationship. I don’t think we’d have the relationship we have now without them.
As I said, I’m not sure that this is useful for you and your situation, but I hope that it provides an alternative perspective and perhaps some hope for the future.

I think you would need evidence of harassment good enough to build a criminal case against her

@Howdoidoitt
Emotional Abuse and Manipulation are not crime in most jurisdictions. What would you imagine that s court would do to your mother and in what way do you envision their making your life better?

You are an adult now in charge of your own life, and you are a parent in charge of a young life. Those 2 responsibilities should keep you focused on the future rather than looking back in anger at the past.

One day, your child will be judging your parenting. Do you want him to say " she was never fully there for me because she could never let go of her past? That is the risk that you will run by be so engrossed in past real or imagined wrongs that you can never make right. The only relief that you can get is to be a better parent and to not repeat the same damaging behaviors.

Wanting some kind of legal retribution will not make you healthy or whole.

Get a non-molestation order or similar against them and then move house.

Unless there's documented evidence (from actual people like the police and social services - rather than just batshit mum) that you've been a bad parent, she can threaten until the cows come home.

As nice as it would be to do sometimes, unfortunately you can't sue people just for being dickheads. Unless she's done something actually illegal, a case wouldn't go anywhere.

I think, the best thing for your own peace, would just go zero contact. Today. Stop taking her calls, stop replying to messages, stop engaging. She'll come crying/begging/threatening, but you hold firm.

OP I think this post is really sad.
Of course you want their love and approval, and the hardest part about all this is finally making the decision that they are not going to give it, so you can walk away.
Once you have genuinely accepted that then you can begin the process of going NC. You will need to be strong in your decisions though, because they will find many ways to try and contact you.

Make sure that you have blocked them on all SM. Make sure that your settings are set so that they don't hear any news about you.
If someone 'passes on a message' just reply with - please do not pass on messages or news - and nothing else.
They will try every manipulative tactic to get you to react. The key is not to react at all.
Block numbers
delete contacts
refuse to engage with any communication

If you really want NC then you have to stand strong.

@Milkbottlewaffle refreshing to read an analysis of difficult parent child relationships that is balanced and acknowledges limitations on both sides.

I had a situation where I was being stalked and harrased for a number of years.
First of all you need to have clearly gone no contact. So send a message (a written message via email or txt or instant message etc so you can keep a copy, make multiple copies) saying that you no longer wish to have any contact from that person. That should be your last EVER communication with them. Any further communication they try to send you etc you must not respond to but record.. screenshots or if it's in person write down exactly what happened with dates and times.
If they keep trying to contact you in a way that is threatening or hostile then you take all these records of it to the police.
What will happen next is the police will issue a 'harassment warning' which is where they go round and talk to the people harassing you and advise them to stop. An official police record will be made of this.
Then if they break this agreement to stop contacting you it can be taken further..
This is the point where you could go to court and apply for a restraining order or similar.

So horrible, I understand why you would want to do something legal,
having been in a similar situation with a narcissistic mother, then abused by a narcissistic partner for 25 years, the only thing you can do is go no contact,block on all devices. And know that narcissists will use other people to get to you , if you let them
cut ties with anyone who’s not safe
good luck stay strong

I think moving very very far away is key - even if that is a massive upheaval. Then no contact and keep going with therapy.

I moved to the other side od the world.
a part of me is still terrified that my awful
farher or awful mother wilL rock up on my door step - I don’t think I’ll ever fully relax until they die. But my fear of them is not a part of my daily life now.