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Original poster

I want to take my mum to court over years of emotional abuse & manipulation

94 replies

Howdoidoitt · 24/09/2023 19:04

I have finally confided in some family I trust about the years of emotional, verbal and mental abuse my mum has put me through for the last 10 years.

I finally feel like something that recently happened is the last straw, and I am finally ready to cut her off.

My one weakness has been her threats of going to court for custody of my son if I dare cut her off, I’ve been too frightened.

But I have been reassured this cannot happen.

I have gone from feeling weak and confused and desperate for her love and approval to being angry. I am so, so angry.

I have spoken with my partner and both he and I have decided to do something about the extreme distress she has put me through. But I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t want something serious to happen to her, but I want security knowing she is kept well away from me and my family.

I have years of evidence in the form of text messages, messages between her and my partner, and witnesses - my sister and a friend who has also known her for the best part of 12 years. But she is articulate and manipulative and comes across as a well put together, intelligent woman, and I’m scared nobody else is going to believe me.

I’m just wanting some advice of any route I can take really, any suggestions or anyone who has experienced abusive/narcissistic parents before.

I just want to know she won’t be able to get to me again.

OP posts:
MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 24/09/2023 19:38

What level of involvement does she have in your/dc life?
Does she fund anything at all?
As per pp just go nc.

Mamasperspective · 24/09/2023 19:38

Get some legal advice and see if you can get a restraining order

Tiredbehyondbelief · 24/09/2023 19:43

I suggest change your therapist.

Original poster
Howdoidoitt · 24/09/2023 19:53

It’s not just my mum but my dad too who is a big man and scary and threatening when angry. I currently live close to them and do not want them turning up at my house.

It has not been as easy as going NC, it’s hard. Especially when you just want your parent to love you. So that’s why I came here for advice, because it’s been years in the making and while I finally feel strong enough, I have no idea how to completely cut them without them waiting for further abuse.

OP posts:
MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 24/09/2023 19:55

When do you currently see them?

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 24/09/2023 19:55

Any chance you could move away if they are so close?

Sunshinenrain · 24/09/2023 19:57

Do you want her put in jail?
As that is highly unlikely.

There is a restraining order but the first thing they’ll tell you to do is block her number, which you won’t do.

The court cannot force you to go NC.
Only you can do this.
If she starts turning up at your home and work etc then you can go to court.

I think it’s also important for you to be the one to go NC with her and tell her why.

I feel like you’re going to court because you’re not strong enough to do it yourself and if that’s the case then going to court is pointless as you’ll end up going back on it.

Tomorrow send her a text or letter explaining everything and say you do not want to have anything to do with her ever again.

If you want a relationship between her and your DC then get your DH to sort contact.

Then block her.

Wasywasydoodah · 24/09/2023 20:00

You need to block her and your dad. Tell them clearly not to contact you. Keep the evidence of this. Then if they get in touch, call the police and report as harassment. At this point, you can consult a solicitor on getting a non-molestation order. Hope that helps.

Original poster
Howdoidoitt · 24/09/2023 20:03

@Wasywasydoodah Thank you that is very helpful

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 24/09/2023 20:04

@Howdoidoitt I'm going to suggest you start a new thread in Relationships. Ask how to go about going no contact and is it possible to get a restraining order against your parents.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships

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Mulhollandmagoo · 24/09/2023 20:04

t step is to block her, change the locks on your house if she had a key and wait it out, there is a chance that your parents won't react to that at all. If you are worried they do, I believe you can call 101 and log it with them, that way if it all kicks off you can call 999 and there will be a flag on your number and you will be a priority.

Fluffygoon · 24/09/2023 20:07

I recommend you look at the Stately homes thread which deal with toxic families. If you need to block them then do so - also suggested therapy.
Once you come out of the fog, fear, obligation and guilt then it’s really difficult to go back to difficult dynamics and you can work through scenarios with a therapist 💐

Ffsmakeitstop · 24/09/2023 20:08

user746016 · 24/09/2023 19:05

Do t be ridiculous. You can’t sue for that.

Were you not taught if you can't say something nice just shut the fuck up?

smilesup · 24/09/2023 20:13

user746016 · 24/09/2023 19:05

Do t be ridiculous. You can’t sue for that.

You sound lovely. OP hope this isn't your mum! You sound like you have been through it. I don't know if there is precedent for suing shite parents in the UK. For your peace start of by writing it all down so it can start to leave your head. And absolutely go no contact.

Nosleepforthismum · 24/09/2023 20:17

If you’ve got the money to get legal advice to obtain a restraining order, you should have enough money to move. If she’s an absolute monster, I’d keep everything nice and calm while quietly getting my ducks in a row, then move to the opposite end of the country and block her on every platform and delete all forms of social media.

Otherwise, I think you will just have to stand up for yourself, block her on everything and delete social media so she can’t get updates on you from other people and if they call round, just calmly explain that you are taking a break from all the drama and you will call once you’ve had some time apart. You never have to call if you don’t want to.

Issuing your mum with something like a restraining order is likely to escalate matters rather than calming things down.

Blinkingbonkers · 24/09/2023 20:18

Sorry you have a crap relationship with your Mum. Sadly, some people do. If you want to sue anyone you need to prove an actual (financial) loss, being a crap Mum doesn’t count.

nobodysdaughternow · 24/09/2023 20:19

I understand.

You could get a restraining order?

I cut contact, moved 200 miles away and changed my name to get free of my Mother who is basically a stalker.

I'm in a situation now where she will be desperate to turn up and I have told the two family members I'm still in touch with, that I will get a restraining order on her if comes anywhere near me.

FloralDerangement · 24/09/2023 20:19

It's a tough decision to make but you can just cut her off. If you feel you need a boost to do this try some therapy to explore the wounds she's left you with so any future attacks she levies your way you can deflect.

anonimoxyz · 24/09/2023 20:19

What so you want court to do? She could seriously physically assault you and still not get jail time? I don't get what you want a court to do that you can't just do by cutting her off?

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/09/2023 20:20

Just want to say @Howdoidoitt please ignore some of the pointlessly abrasive remarks on this thread, accusing you of being dramatic or ridiculous. The drama and intensity and threats have obviously come from your parents and you have suffered it too long and are seeking advice about best next steps. A PP’s advice about blocking, requesting no contact from them and then keeping a record of any attempts from them to reach you after that is very sound. You can take it from there. Good luck.

Mostlyoblivious · 24/09/2023 20:23

user746016 · 24/09/2023 19:05

Do t be ridiculous. You can’t sue for that.

The OP has just said she’s suffered years of trauma and you are telling her not to be ridiculous 😳! Second sentence for sure, but be a bit gentler and not minimise her feelings here.

OP perhaps look into a restraining order. Find a solicitor that deals specifically within family law and harassment and have a chat.

Deciding to not take this abuse any longer is something really big - you are already doing something about it - well done!

Mari9999 · 24/09/2023 20:32

@Howdoidoitt

Exactly what outcome would you expect were this even a possibility? Maybe rather than focusing on the past, you might be better off focusing on the future that you are creating for your child.

Supergirl1958 · 24/09/2023 20:33

My grandparents, particularly my Janna, emotionally abused me as a child. I’m getting trauma therapy for it now, as even my colleagues are starting to notice deep routed trauma has an impact on how I react in certain situations.

I second others who have said please get counselling and some help.

sending hugs x

OhComeOnFFS · 24/09/2023 20:33

I think you could help yourself by moving away and not giving them the address.

I think your parents have scared you into thinking they could get custody - when you think about it realistically, there's no way they could do that. Let's assume they think you're doing a bad job of bring up your children - if they reported you then that wouldn't mean they themselves would be able to take on your children. It doesn't work like that.

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