I want to take my mum to court over years of emotional abuse & manipulation

[Howdoidoitt]

I have finally confided in some family I trust about the years of emotional, verbal and mental abuse my mum has put me through for the last 10 years.

I finally feel like something that recently happened is the last straw, and I am finally ready to cut her off.

My one weakness has been her threats of going to court for custody of my son if I dare cut her off, I’ve been too frightened.

But I have been reassured this cannot happen.

I have gone from feeling weak and confused and desperate for her love and approval to being angry. I am so, so angry.

I have spoken with my partner and both he and I have decided to do something about the extreme distress she has put me through. But I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t want something serious to happen to her, but I want security knowing she is kept well away from me and my family.

I have years of evidence in the form of text messages, messages between her and my partner, and witnesses - my sister and a friend who has also known her for the best part of 12 years. But she is articulate and manipulative and comes across as a well put together, intelligent woman, and I’m scared nobody else is going to believe me.

I’m just wanting some advice of any route I can take really, any suggestions or anyone who has experienced abusive/narcissistic parents before.

I just want to know she won’t be able to get to me again.

*nanna

https://daughtersrising.info/2021/07/16/how-to-deal-with-an-elderly-narcissistic-mother-12-tips-to-save-your-sanity/

I sent this to a friend who has a narcissist mother and it was a light bulb moment for her. She bought the book too (I’m not trying to make you buy it too) and it totally changed her attitude towards her mother. Your mother might not be elderly but you may recognise things

Just drift away. Don’t make any kind of big statement even as that will just add fuel to the fire. You can choose no contact or low contact. I think low contact is easier in a way but you have to make that decision for yourself.

if you have portable jobs, consider moving to a new city to put physical distance between you and your mother.

I don't think you can use but go no contact. If she starts any trouble report her to the police for harassment. She has no rights.

You can't sue.... But it sounds like NC would be difficult so are you asking about a restraining/non molestation order instead?

@Howdoidoitt Agree with pp about moving this to relationships.

I had a narc mother and I went NC. Had all the flying monkey nonsense. You will get through it but it is hard. I have no regrets. My first thought is for you to log with your DC school very clear instructions:

1. That you do not give consent for your child’s photos to be taken
2. That your parents are not entitled ever to collect your DC and should be given no information about them.
3. give a brief overview of reasons why they should have no contact with them, not you.

Explain clearly to your DC why they are no longer in their lives in language they understand so they do not feel confused. Allow them to ask questions and answer honestly. If they report you to SS keep calm and answer the questions. If there is no evidence, they will be ignored.

I understand your fears about access. An old friend of mine had a narc mother who attempted to sue for access to the Grandchildren. It was exhausting for her but eventually (and many £’s later) she eventually gave up. My friend never looked back having moved away. She never tags her children on social media and doesn’t allow anyone else to either.

Some parents are jus shit, they’re not loving or caring, they’re just shit. You have a shit one, some of us do.

You don’t need to announce it, you don’t need to make a big deal out of it either, you just cut contact, you just stop. You ignore the lies, don’t react, you decide that, that part of your life is over and no longer your concern, you just stop caring. If they come to your door call the police. (Moving makes it all easier).

word of caution though, make sure you have the ability to stand on your own two feet financially!! Last thing you want is for your partner to up and leave and you have no one to turn to except your parents (my worst nightmare and the reason I can not ever not be financially independent, I’ll do anything it takes not to have to go back there, even if it means working my ass off)

Just go no contact. She cannot apply for custody of your son. Move on with your life without her in it.

The legal system won't help you with this OP. The courts don't dish out orders that restrict peoples freedom just because other people dont want them near them. You already have the legal right to prevent her coming into your home, to refuse to go to hers and to leave the vicinity if you see her. That should be enough to sustain no contact.

If I were you I'd use the money you'd spend on legal costs on therapy where you can get it all out, and hopefully get the tools to move on.

This is good advice.

Can you relocate? There are a lot of people saying they have managed to go NC without doing that, but it might help you feel safer if you knew she didn't know where you were. I don't know if it's possible for a parent to be charged with coercive control, but I don't think you can just get a restraining order against someone without having proof of their dangerous behaviour towards you. Trying to have her prosecuted would be incredibly drawn out and stressful. I understand wanting to feel some sort of closure in that respect, but I think you're very unlikely to get it and you'd put yourself through hell for years trying. Seriously, just go NC.

Grandparents have zero legal rights to contact so cut her off and don't look back.

Just wanted to say OP I can definitely relate to this

You need to just go no contact and advise anyone else ie your partner etc not to entertain her either. Blank her if you see her and call the police if she appears at your door and won't leave. Block her on everything, change your number etc.

I understand and voted yanbu even though it would only drive you crazy to try. Agree with the others distance, low contact, grey rock. My mother has also minced my head over the years. It's hard for people with normal parents to understand. X

Write them a letter saying that you no longer wish to have any communication with them and then block them . Get a ring doorbell or similar so you don’t accidentally open the door to them and if they harass you call the police .

You could get a solicitor to write a cease and desist letter to tel them to stay away from you and not contact you.

You may also be able to get a non-molestation order.

Hi OP. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. Can I suggest you join the facebook group “Necessary Family Estrangement”? It is full of supportive people who understand exactly how you’re feeling, and many of whom will be able to offer you advice based on real experiences. The trouble with posting on Mumsnet with a problem like yours attracts responses from people who could never in a million years understand your feelings or situation.

When I went no contact with my narcissistic father, he had a solicitor write to us explaining he would be taking our children for regular overnight contact, despite this being against our wishes. We had our own solicitor reply in no uncertain terms that he would do no such thing. We never heard from him again, much to my amazement; I thought he would never ever give up, but I guess his solicitor must have told him he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

It is possible for grandparents to be granted access through the courts, but this is only when they have played a significant role in their grandchildren’s lives (provided regular childcare etc) and generally occurs after marital breakdown of the parents (mum and dad break up acrimoniously, and mum refuses to allow her parents in law to see the children). It doesn’t sound as though this is your situation.

Try not to panic. I know how you feel and it’s awful. Wishing you a happy future.

I really understand your anger, I’ve been there. The anger will pass, you’re in a process and there’ll be different stages, different emotions.
I think you’d be better taking control, you are in charge here , you decide what to do and your decision is final.
Go no contact. You don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to tell them. Your mother thinks she can take your child? Any lawyer would laugh her out the room, she’ll get nowhere with that.
Put on your happy face, your strong face and cut them dead. If anyone turns up at your house you ignore them. They get annoying you call the police to have them removed, just as if a stranger came to your door and wouldn’t leave.

Wait, bide your time, let them stew, then send them a letter telling them exactly why you didn’t want them in your life.

OP, I've been in this situation. You need to channel your inner Sarah from Labyrinth - once you recognise she has no power over you, she really does not. It's the most liberating feeling ever.

The most practical thing you can do right now is talk to your therapist about your plan to go NC and take action against your mother. Then they can actually help you to get away from her.

I really hope you've tried multiple therapists- if you've only had one and still allow your mum to control you, you need to get rid of them ASAP.

The next thing is physically move away- can you? If not, why not? Even moving a few miles away will help-if you live in rental accomodation you can do this fairly quickly (Depending on your agreement with your landlord). If you own your home you can start working out how to practically move whilst dealing with the emotional side of it.

Either way, you need to get out of her way

If you don't want anything serious to happen to her do not take this further. You are not in control of the court proceedings and the outcome is out of your hands.
like others say go nc instead

Who said anything about suing? You are the one to introduce suing into the conversation.

You don't have to see her but what missing information have you not put here that is probably relevant to this discussion?