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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to stand up to a drug dealer/ stalker?

89 replies

totalmisfit · 05/03/2008 11:18

i was just walking home after dropping dd at playgroup when i noticed this same white van basically driving past me then going round the corner and driving past me again. it stopped ahead of me, just outside our block of flats and the driver got out. I recognised him as the local drug dealer who uses the car-park of our block and the road in front to deal drugs/snort coke and generally harass the residents, in particular my dp and myself.

He basically just stood there staring at me and i thought 'do i go past him or do i just turn back and go the other way and hope that he disappears?'. I decided to brave it as i only have an hour and a half to myself before picking up dd again and don't really have time to waste wandering the streets to avoid creepy guys like him. So he kept staring and i kept walking and then without thinking i just blurted out 'Can you please stop staring at me. I find it intimidating.' Stupid thing to say, i know. He started walking towards me with his fists clenched saying 'What? What? You can't decide who i look at. Why don't you get your husband to come sort it out?' (I think his fixation might be more to do with dp than me, as he has been asking the other residents which flat we live in and regularly walks around looking up at all the windows to see where we are).

So then i stupidly blurted out 'look we've had enough of this, and your drug dealing' To which he replied 'you grass! Why don't you call the police then! go on, call them'. still walking towards me. by this stage i had opened the communal front door and just managed to blurt out 'F*ing stalker!' I don't know why, it was a really stupid and inflammatory thing to say but by this stage fear and anger had taken over and it was as if someone else was talking.

So i got in and there he was, pacing up and down looking up at all the windows trying to see me. At one point i think he saw me so I just panicked and called the police who turned up pretty promptly and asked me a few questions about him, then they said they'd go and speak to him and 'see if our stories matched. They didn't take a formal statement from me so i dont' think they took it very seriously and he drove off in his own van a few minutes later, once again scrutinising the building to try and work out where i was.

So tell me i was being unreasonable. after all, i basically started this confrontation, didn't i? he does have the right to stare at anyone he likes, after all.

OP posts:
K20 · 05/03/2008 11:21

ring the police, make a fuss you should not be fearful to leave your own home or going around your daily chores. Yes it is intimidation

totalmisfit · 05/03/2008 11:24

i did, they came over and spoke to me and to him but didn't seem to achieve much. he's still driving around and generally being menacing.

OP posts:
Bouncingturtle · 05/03/2008 11:25

I can't believe the police didn't take it more seriously! I'm and on your behalf.
I think you should take it further...

bubblagirl · 05/03/2008 11:28

i think if your that scared why swear at him and confront him your giving him the site that he bothers you there for he will keep on he has a reputation he isnt worried

ignore him make a complaint but ignore him by confronting him and swearing at him just makes you an easy target as he knows how to get to you and he knows he bothers you

but if i was that scared of someone i would never ever confront them or swear at them

he can look at you how he wants its the response his looking for i would smile and say morning then walk very very swiftly to my flat they pick on the ones who give something back they get bored with the ones who do nothing

mysonsmummy · 05/03/2008 11:42

wow your braver than me. did you say to the police you thought he was a drug dealer. however, my friend has drug dealers on her communal stair well and has to pass them. she had enough and told them what she thought of them in the end. be careful he sounds horrible. does he live by you or just do his drug dealing there?

bigbumhole · 05/03/2008 11:48

Ring the police and keep ringing them. This man sounds like a maniac. Tell them he is harassing and intimidating you and you've got young children to think about.

Seriously, i'd be worried, don't go out alone and stay in after dark. He sounds like a total lunatic.

VictorianSqualor · 05/03/2008 11:58

I can understand you being pissed off, but tbh, by reacting the way you did, it was you that started the confrontation.
I know it can be horrid when you feel that way and standing up for yourself is what you feel you need to do, but someone looking at you isn't enough to call the police over IMO, and he was reacting to what you said.
I'd suggest you just totally ignore him in future.

jesuswhatnext · 05/03/2008 12:10

i have been in exact ssame situation - i have stood up to the dealers/pimps/pushers etc and it truly seems to be working i'm a firm believer in standing up to these scum (cos thats waht they are!!!)
i know it can be really scary but WHY should you, a decent human being have to share your street with the dregs of society?

you need to speak to the police about starting a neighbourhood watch scheme, a residents association etc, in the meantime call the police for EVERY incident and log it yourself, speak to your local councillor/mp - don't be passive, this is how these people get away with it for so long!!! YOU are in the right and have the law on your side

bloody good luck to you, if all that sounds like a huge effort, think of your dcs and the way you would like them to live, free of drugs, pimps, dealers and other assorted scum on THEIR street.

sorry, bossy rant over now, as you can tell i feel VERY strongly about this issue

totalmisfit · 05/03/2008 12:13

i know, i really wish i'd thought before i opened my mouth as i'm afraid i've opened a whole can of worms. i'm scared i've given him even more reason to follow me etc and i'm obviously afraid for my daughter and my other half too. i acted like an idiot. god knows how dangerous he is and now i've provoked him....

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 05/03/2008 12:18

just keep reporting him, he is proberbly known to police, if you get no joy from them go to your local paper, i know its scary but the 'can of worms' you have opened may mean the begining of the end for him on your patch! as i said before, don't be passive, if nothing else, action will make you feel more in control of the situation.

wannaBe · 05/03/2008 12:21

why is he looking for your dp?

totalmisfit · 05/03/2008 12:30

i don't know exactly except dp grew up round here thinks he might have once had a fight with the guy's brother (when they were like 10-11 yrs old the way young boys do and perhaps this guy holds a very petty and longstanding grudge???) and when we moved in he just seemed to start taking an unnatural interest in him and us in general. don't know if he chose this place as his drug dealing 'patch' because it happened to be where dp lives, or am i jumping to huge conclusions???

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 05/03/2008 12:30

What's done is done.
Not a great move really, particularly as you were alone, and this man clearly has a dodgy reputation.
But you need to speak to someone about how you can deal with this man if he becomes more intimidating.
Go into the police station, and ask the police for their advice on how to handle the situation.
The more aware they are of it, the more seriously they should take it.

FioFio · 05/03/2008 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bossybritches · 05/03/2008 12:44

Well done you!

Why not keep a log write down the van number & the dates & times he hovers by.Also he times you ring the police & the responss (or lack of ) you get.

Go down to the police station & show them when you have a nice long list/weeks worth & firmly say you'f like to talk to your community beat officer & discuss what they are doing about it as it is imtimidating and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

If they are unco-operative/sympathetic then say politely that you will be putting in writing to the Chief Inspector, ask for his name, write it down on your list & smile sweetly as you leave!! (cc it to your MP too!!)

Not saying it'll work but it might just tally with other complaints & spark off someone's attention-good luck!

WorzselMummage · 05/03/2008 12:51

if he's dealing drugs outside your house then call the police about that rather then someone staring at you... they're likely to do more !

singingmum · 05/03/2008 13:03

Well done you.
Standing up to thugs really is the only way to stop them but obv be watchful.
AS a teen we had a neighbour who was terrorising the whole estate(he was about 14/15 when I met him.He decided that as I was a quiet girl I was an easy target to try and intimidate and harras in general.One day walking to my friends alone he started following me and shouting all kinds of insults.I turned to him and polietly told him to piss off and get a life.I then informed him that the day people like him(I used the word coward at the time)weren't worth being scared of and that in the place we lived before there were scarier people than him.
He left me alone from then on and it's only recently I learned how lucky it was that I did this.Those that he scared and who ran got more trouble and recently I discovered that he's in a mental prison for a number of murders inc some while in prison.
Sometimes it's about gaining the bullies respect and standing up to them is often the only way.
Not right in all cases but sometimes there really isn't anything else to do.The police in this country are more likely to walk away from trouble than do something about it I'm afraid

ShakeysGirl · 05/03/2008 13:03

I think it was a really mad thing to do, why piss off the local thug? Its just asking for trouble imo but whats done is done and i'd just try and ignore him from now on and avoid him as much as possible. I go out of my way to smile and say hello to people that i find intimadating as if they realise they have the power to make me feel vunrable (sp?) then they will use it.

totalmisfit · 05/03/2008 13:03

i have worzel - so many times, they turn up and potter about and leave him to it again, like FioFio says. i think the reason i reacted like i did was because he had been following me around in his van prior to that moment and it was kind of a last straw reaction. not clever, not thought through, and quite daft of me but just a gut reaction.

OP posts:
GillianMcPoo · 05/03/2008 13:07

Crikey I wouldn't have done that!! I would certianly be reporting him consisantly, but no way would I have confronted him personally, when I'd be highly likely to accidentally come across him with my children in tow next time

singingmum · 05/03/2008 13:09

Thats what these morons count on though.People are to scared to stop them and they know it. It's the same with a lot of teens these days they know that no one has the gall to stop them causing probs so they continue to be idiots

mrsruffallo · 05/03/2008 13:24

I think you were right to stand up to him. He was intimidating you.
I think it is quite surprising when you stand up to these people they are not as scary as they pretend to be.
I think there is a fear in this country of confronting thugs but if everyone did things would be a lot better.
They count on everyone being scared.
Personally, if I felt threatened I would always go for confrontation rather than hiding away and being scared of my shadow.

totalmisfit · 05/03/2008 13:24

it's true singingmum, it's easy to feel powerless but i'd just had enough on this occasion...

gillian- i wish i'd had more foresight. only later did it occur to me that the next time i see him i'll probably with dd. i'm now wondering how i'm going to explain my irrational behaviour to dp when he gets home, no doubt he'll be thrilled!

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 05/03/2008 13:25

Agree singing mum

singingmum · 05/03/2008 13:33

Totalm hopefully you're reaction will have him worried as he obv did not expect you to stand up to him.Also by noticing that he was following you have protected you're child as who knows what/who he was so interested in.
Explain that you had to do something to try and stop him and I'm sure your hubby will be ok with it.
I'd also ring the police and ask what's being done or been done to stop him .If the answer you get is not satisfactory then ask to speak to someone higher up until the answer is acceptable.Pester power is often the only way to get things done

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