to stand up to a drug dealer/ stalker?

[totalmisfit]

i was just walking home after dropping dd at playgroup when i noticed this same white van basically driving past me then going round the corner and driving past me again. it stopped ahead of me, just outside our block of flats and the driver got out. I recognised him as the local drug dealer who uses the car-park of our block and the road in front to deal drugs/snort coke and generally harass the residents, in particular my dp and myself.

He basically just stood there staring at me and i thought 'do i go past him or do i just turn back and go the other way and hope that he disappears?'. I decided to brave it as i only have an hour and a half to myself before picking up dd again and don't really have time to waste wandering the streets to avoid creepy guys like him. So he kept staring and i kept walking and then without thinking i just blurted out 'Can you please stop staring at me. I find it intimidating.' Stupid thing to say, i know. He started walking towards me with his fists clenched saying 'What? What? You can't decide who i look at. Why don't you get your husband to come sort it out?' (I think his fixation might be more to do with dp than me, as he has been asking the other residents which flat we live in and regularly walks around looking up at all the windows to see where we are).

So then i stupidly blurted out 'look we've had enough of this, and your drug dealing' To which he replied 'you grass! Why don't you call the police then! go on, call them'. still walking towards me. by this stage i had opened the communal front door and just managed to blurt out 'F*ing stalker!' I don't know why, it was a really stupid and inflammatory thing to say but by this stage fear and anger had taken over and it was as if someone else was talking.

So i got in and there he was, pacing up and down looking up at all the windows trying to see me. At one point i think he saw me so I just panicked and called the police who turned up pretty promptly and asked me a few questions about him, then they said they'd go and speak to him and 'see if our stories matched. They didn't take a formal statement from me so i dont' think they took it very seriously and he drove off in his own van a few minutes later, once again scrutinising the building to try and work out where i was.

So tell me i was being unreasonable. after all, i basically started this confrontation, didn't i? he does have the right to stare at anyone he likes, after all.

thanks mrs ruffalo - am now feeling more like hiding away in case i see him again truth be told. would usually go for a run when dp gets in but now i'm thinking maybe not?' but i know this is not healthy way to think and i'm going to have to take dd to playgroup tomorrow anyway so i may as well brave the outside world again sooner rather than later...

Have you thoguht about speaking to him again, to ease the situation?
Maybe next time you see him, make a beeline for him and say something like 'Look, it appaears we got off on the wrong footing, I probably shouldnt have shouted at you but being a single female around these parts things get quite initmidating at times, especially when it feels like you're being followed or stared at as I'm sure you udnerstand and I'd just had enough of it. Hope there's no hard feelings' and then report him when you see him dealing.
It's amazing how reasonable people can act when others talk to them as if there is no other way they possibly would act.
That way you're safe, your Dd is safe, and you can still report him, without any come backs because he won't think it's you.

Yes, I would pester the community police. They can stop and see you on their beat and are their for this kind of threatening situation.
He sounds incredibly stupid, I am sure you can stay one step ahead.

VS reasonable people don't do drugs,sell drugs or follow people in vans. He is not reasonable and if she does speak to him and basically back down now he will more than lose any respect she may have gained but also be seen as an easier target sadly.
Again if the police did their job TotalM would not have felt she needed to say something as police would have dealt with him before

I think that you absolutely did the right thing-the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. I should keep pestering the community police and keep a log of dates, times and incidents when he intimidates you, so that you can use them, if necessary, in the future.

'she' not 'he' sorry

victoriansqualor - weirdly, that did cross my mind - don't know if i'd have the balls to actually do it. i'll probably just hurry past with my head down. i agree sometimes the best way to handle these people is through being disarmingly reasonable yourself, but i get the impression that (to quote Withnail and I) 'his mechanism's gone' due to drug use, iyswim?

Totalmisfit- You have been incredibly brave, don't worry yourself now, I am sure it won't be as bad as you imagine.

agree community police sounds a very good idea by the way,

thanks mrs r and everyone. can i just say, i love mumsnet. before i discovered it, i would have just sat here stewing quietly after such an event. so great to be able to share with such a lovely bunch. i feel much more positive now

I agree very important to write everything down that happens, including todays incident. Present it to the comm. police and HA/council if necessary [unless you own the property]
I wouldn't approach him again, I don't think he would appreciate the subtlety of that approach VS, but see it as weakness

singmum, firstly I didn't say he was reasonable.

And yes, some reasonable people do sell drugs! You can't honestly say that every single person that sells drugs is unreasonable! Drug dealers, like all people come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

Secondly, he won't have gained any respect for her, from my experiences with those type of people he'll think she is a nosey old bag that has grassed him up. Surely it's better to ease the situation so she is SAFE than make it worse?

Thirdly, he is more likely to respect her for going up to him and speaking to him again, also he is less likely to think she is the person grassing him up and want revenge.

Oh and lastly, the police, what are they supposed to do? Tell him he can't drive his van? He probably has just little enough drugs on him to make sure he'd get away with a slap on the wrist if they did search him. If that. They can't do anything so until they can the OP is best of being safe rather than making things worse.

High horses are great to get up on, but not so fucking great if you fall and get trampled.

Good luck misfit, I am sure he will be a bit more wary of you now!!
You did nothing wrong, remember that. Try to relax and keep in touch

I'm sorry but if he's that bad a person that he won't be okay with her talking to him the second time, he certainly won't be 'wary' of her!

lol at 'old bag' i'm only 26! < indignation> all my nimbyishness must be aging me!

He will be wary knowing that she is willing to call the police vs
Remember he was stalking her family before this and making them uneasy

Well, I didn't mean anything by the old bit! It just fits well with nosey

Apologise if you took what I said in the wrong manner however:-
You infered that he would act reasonably if approached reasonably that's all.
In my experience backing away causes more probs than it solves and for some reason standing up to these people does give them a strange respect for you
Reasonable people know that selling drugs is murder and therfore should be charged with such when caught
Stalking is illegal and also if he is following a mother with a child through some of this,the police should be looking at him in light of a threat to both
Safest thing to do is act as though nothing out of the ordinary happened and carry a personal alarm and take usual saftey precautions
Doesn't always work as has been proved,but he hasn't actually hit or attacked her just tried to make her stand down which is the first reaction of most bullies to see if they can still intimidate

apologies for spelling haven't done this much typing in a while

yep dittany it is private property owned by the housing association (we're part rent/part buy keyworkers) and we've raised the matter endlessly with them. they've promised a security gate, but we haven't had a date for when it'll be installed. problem is they put in a car-pole before which he and his cronies ripped out of the ground. also by law they have to give a key to the guy who owns a garage backing on to the car-park. the twist is, he's another drug-dealer mate of his and he'll obviously let them all in to keep dealing. have pointed this out to housing association and police but they're all 'not enough evidence, you can't just go around accusing this innocent garage owner of being a drug dealer, you know!'

so fat lot of good the security gate will do us if/when it eventually arrives.

Dont approach him, terrible idea! If he is on something he will not be reasoned with. Try and act confident and hold head high when out, dont let him think your scurrying away or concerned. He is a bully who if unhinged needs to be avoided if poss, but give a message in your stance and body language where poss. Good Luck x

Still worth keeping a log tm as it is evidence of anti social behaviour and HA's have to take that very seriously.
You can also call the noise pollution people if they are making a racket too.
You can probably tell I have been through something similar. I had to confront the guy for my sanity and tell myself that I had a right to feel safe in my own home.