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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to regularly look after my SIL DC

112 replies

namechange201841 · 23/09/2023 17:19

Trying to make this objective as possible. I have a fairly good relationship with SIL. She is a single parent so I know it must be hard. I currently work Monday to Thursday with Friday off I have two DC one at school one at nursery. I use Friday to spend one on one time with my youngest and also try and get as many job done around the house is possible.
SIL is going back to work soon and recently announced a great idea for me and MIL to get a better bond with her DC. MIL would have DC every Thursday and I could have him every Friday. It was sort of asked but almost worded as if she was doing us the favour.
MIL has afew health conditions and told her she couldn't commit. I said similar that there was no way I could commit.
SIL came back with a new plan of me and MIL just having alternative Fridays. MIL agreed but I quite simply do not want to. AIBU?
If I'm honest some weeks it might not be an issue but I don't want another commitment. Some Fridays I'm shattered (my job can be stressful).
I have looked after SIL DC on a number of occasions and do see them about once every two weeks. In an emergency or occasional favour that is no issue.
A side note I get it is to save her some child care costs, however, she is on UC and would get 85% paid

OP posts:
Mistressanne · 23/09/2023 17:21

No.
You'll resent her.
If you want to soften the blow then perhaps offer to babysit now and then so sil can have a night out.

pepperminticecream · 23/09/2023 17:22

nope, I would not do that. Just say that isn't going to work for you and you can't be her childcare. Do not give an explanation or excuse because that opens it up for debate or her suggesting workarounds. You are not wrong or BU for not wanting to take care of her child.

Owjrbvr · 23/09/2023 17:24

I have a similar set up and I wouldn’t commit to every other Friday. That time with my youngest is quite precious as it’s the only one on one time and to sure off to school before you know it.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/09/2023 17:24

Better to be honest than it not work out. Your first responsibility is to your own kids

PuzzledObserver · 23/09/2023 17:25

Nobody owes anyone else childcare.

FionnulaTheCooler · 23/09/2023 17:26

Maybe I'm a hard faced cow but I couldn't give a monkeys about bonding with a child that isn't my own. I suspect your SIL isn't actually bothered about your bond anyway and is using it as emotional blackmail to try and get you to agree to free childcare. If it doesn't work for you stick to your guns and keep saying no.

LightDrizzle · 23/09/2023 17:27

Don’t do it. It won’t end well and not starting will cause less offence than starting and either wanting to stop or getting issues as a result.

Brefugee · 23/09/2023 17:28

Say "no". Don't dither or be all "maybe now and then". Be very very clear it isn't happenibg

UpToonGirl · 23/09/2023 17:28

Her framing it as doing you a favour to build a bond with her dc would have tipped me to saying no more than if she'd just said it would save her some money.

No, I wouldn't do it either way though, you will probably find it really restrictive. Don't be tempted to say no, but that maybe you could have him/her the odd Friday as she sounds like she'll pounce on that and take the piss.

whatchulookinatwillis · 23/09/2023 17:28

Tell her your DH can babysit in his free time; he's her brother, why is she expecting you to do the favours?

The uncosted burden of caring that women do in this country is huge and it shouldn't be the norm.

If your SIL wouldn't ask her own brother to drop to a four day week and spend that one day caring for her child, why does she think you should?

SausageAndEggSandwich · 23/09/2023 17:28

No.

You take Fridays off to spend time with your own children, not look after someone else's.

It costs you money to work part time, how is SIL proposing to compensate for you losing your only one on one time with your child? She isn't, so that's a no thank you.

CherryMaDeara · 23/09/2023 17:30

Hello no! Tell her you take Fridays off and the resultant pay cut for reasons which mean you can’t do her childcare.

ilovelamp82 · 23/09/2023 17:30

Just be clear that you can't as you have Friday's off work so that you can spend some one in one time with your DC. That is a perfectly good reason. Be clear as making up excuses leaves room for you to feel bullied into it.

OverTheCountryClub · 23/09/2023 17:30

Of course yanbu and good to be clear from the outset. It does make me smile a bit - had similar from my sister when she had her first baby. She made several pointed suggestions that I babysit her dc but framed it as "bonding", until I pointed out I have 3 dc, none of whom she has ever babysat or attempted to bond with without me, but that if she wanted to set up a kind of reciprocal arrangement where I'd watch her kid and she'd watch my 3 once a month then I'd be all for it. Funnily enough it was never mentioned again Grin

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2023 17:31

Op, don't make the mistake of even semi-agreeing to this. Tell her nicely but firmly, NO. You need your Fridays for yourself and there is absolutely nothing selfish about that. Her childcare issues are not your problem. Just say no.

willingtolearn · 23/09/2023 17:31

I think it's important you say No straight away.

Your sister in law needs to understand her children are her responsibility alone to manage (I'm assuming the father has no contact at all - I would normally include him in the responsibility ladder).

The time you spend with her children should be entirely at your own choice and not coerced.

Pleaseme · 23/09/2023 17:33

In fairness the proportion of nursery costs will pay 85% for 1 dc is a good bit under what a full time place costs.

I wouldn’t do it either though if I were you. It’s not your problem to solve. She should maybe consider whether she’s be better off on four days a week or 9/10 if your MIL is happy to do a day a fortnight.

Thementalloadisreal · 23/09/2023 17:33

No, you’ll end up resenting it and her, your time is your own.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 17:34

Nope.

"Sorry, I can't commit to any childcare."

Where's the father?

And why does she know so much about your schedule?

Wanttobekind · 23/09/2023 17:35

Just say no. Cheeky f.

StaunchMomma · 23/09/2023 17:47

I'd be tempted to say that although you recognise that the arrangement works well for her and MIL, it doesn't well for you at all and so you won't be committing to it.

Putting your own family before others is a strength, not a weakness, and certainly isn't something to feel guilty for.

You enjoy your chilled Fridays with your little one, OP.

StaunchMomma · 23/09/2023 17:52

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2023 17:31

Op, don't make the mistake of even semi-agreeing to this. Tell her nicely but firmly, NO. You need your Fridays for yourself and there is absolutely nothing selfish about that. Her childcare issues are not your problem. Just say no.

I agree with this. You need to not give her reason why you can't do it (because she'll try to find ways around them) and not make any unambiguous 'in an emergency' comments as she'll claim emergency every other week and end up getting her way.

That whole 'No is a complete sentence' thing is the way to go, here.

coxesorangepippin · 23/09/2023 17:58

Tell her no. You can't commit. Maybe we can catch up at weekend, if convenient to you

coxesorangepippin · 23/09/2023 17:59

And bear in mind, she doesn't mind putting you in this awkward position.

She's fine with it.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 23/09/2023 18:01

Mil will find a reason not to keep to her arrangement I can guarantee...
Do not get into it op. If dh makes you feel bad he can have HIS relative.
. Sign your dc up to swimming or similar. Say only had Fridays available...

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