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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to regularly look after my SIL DC

112 replies

namechange201841 · 23/09/2023 17:19

Trying to make this objective as possible. I have a fairly good relationship with SIL. She is a single parent so I know it must be hard. I currently work Monday to Thursday with Friday off I have two DC one at school one at nursery. I use Friday to spend one on one time with my youngest and also try and get as many job done around the house is possible.
SIL is going back to work soon and recently announced a great idea for me and MIL to get a better bond with her DC. MIL would have DC every Thursday and I could have him every Friday. It was sort of asked but almost worded as if she was doing us the favour.
MIL has afew health conditions and told her she couldn't commit. I said similar that there was no way I could commit.
SIL came back with a new plan of me and MIL just having alternative Fridays. MIL agreed but I quite simply do not want to. AIBU?
If I'm honest some weeks it might not be an issue but I don't want another commitment. Some Fridays I'm shattered (my job can be stressful).
I have looked after SIL DC on a number of occasions and do see them about once every two weeks. In an emergency or occasional favour that is no issue.
A side note I get it is to save her some child care costs, however, she is on UC and would get 85% paid

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 23/09/2023 20:52

A very clear SORRY THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME.
Repeat ad nauseam.

HowAmYa · 23/09/2023 20:55

Fml I've single parented my DD and I STILL didn't rely on family/friends, instead paid for childcare. Still do!
Tell her to get a childminder, you can't commit. End of.

BrawnWild · 23/09/2023 21:09

No. I'd raise it with DH, saying SIL want you to do it to bond so perhaps you, as a family, need to commit to seeing her more often, or perhaps he can reduce his hours or swap a day to help her with childcare. He wont want to but if you get him involved and then it wont just be you being the bad guy.

Sometimeswinning · 23/09/2023 21:17

She’s not taking the piss. She’s desperate to save money as a single parent. So she’s asked you guys. You can say no. Does she work shifts? Childcare is pretty difficult.

Im so lucky to know if I ever ended up single or in trouble I’d have family step up. This isn’t directed at the op but other posters who are just not able to see things from someone else’s point of view!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 21:20

BrawnWild · 23/09/2023 21:09

No. I'd raise it with DH, saying SIL want you to do it to bond so perhaps you, as a family, need to commit to seeing her more often, or perhaps he can reduce his hours or swap a day to help her with childcare. He wont want to but if you get him involved and then it wont just be you being the bad guy.

Agree. Why isn't she asking her brother?

Her financial situation is not the OP's problem. Where is the child's father or paternal family members???

Cherrysoup · 23/09/2023 21:25

Don’t do! She’s a cf! A relative of mine decided to have 4 dc and relies heavily on her parents for childcare. They aren’t really fit enough for it. Even her brother says she should be doing it.

Original poster
namechange201841 · 23/09/2023 21:25

Thanks everyone it's clear I am NBU the guilt trip definitely works on me. To answer afew questions it's all on the family group chat hence I have just ignored at the minute. I also have a missed call but can't be bothered just want to enjoy my weekend.
Who/where the father is a long story that I think might be abit outing and not my story to tell but he is definitely not in the picture.
DH works shifts so there is no way she could ask him. He is very laid back and would have read the messages and not thought much of if I say yes or no. We have both looked after her DC in the past. I don't mind occasionally but it does feel like the more you do the more she expects.

OP posts:
Carbonicalloy · 23/09/2023 21:31

I looked after my nephew every Friday for a while when SIL childcare fell through and she was sorting a replacement. Was similar set up, my one day off and usually just me and youngest DC

BUT it was me who offered to help and I had no doubt she would sort a replacement quickly. She's not a cf.

YANBU to say no.

ColleenDonaghy · 23/09/2023 21:33

I'd reply on the group chat, get it in writing for everyone to see that you haven't been a dick about it, you just don't have capacity. Don't let it drag out, shut it down.

FarEast · 23/09/2023 21:41

YANBU. She is being unreasonable. Just keep saying No.

autienotnaughty · 23/09/2023 23:11

Yeah I'd just say "sorry I can't commit to regular babysitting hope you get sorted quickly"

Bunnycat101 · 24/09/2023 00:16

The reality of adding another small child into the mix on your Friday is:

  1. your youngest will miss out on doing stuff like classes unless you want to pay for both
  2. if SIl’s child is a baby nap times will be restrictive
  3. school run ends up being harder and more stressful
  4. much harder for your eldest to have a play date if you’re looking after a small child or you want to take them to an activity
  5. you won’t get all the stuff done you want to
  6. it is just harder work looking after 2 small children than 1 if they’re not at an age where they entertain and play with each other.

Basically people obviously manage with 3 kids but that is a conscious choice- your life would be much harder and your existing children would miss some of that time with you for someone else’s child. Also most people I know with 3 small kids are not working as much as you are. You are giving up a day of your wage already to give time to your children and maintain your sanity. Do not feel guilted into doing something you don’t want to.

OlizraWiteomQua · 24/09/2023 05:18

I think im this scenario the maximum you could agree to would be to be an occasional emergency backup for if MIL can't manage one of her alternate Fridays due to health issues or other matters arising, but be clear to SIL that you will insist she finds a different childcare plan if MIL's health deteriorates to the point that such a backup is needed more often than once every couple of months. It simply can't be a regular thing. Your Fridays as they are are a lifeline making it possible for you to balance all the competing demands of work, home management and motherhood and it's just not feasible to add a regular additional childcare commitment into that mix.

BrawnWild · 24/09/2023 08:32

The point about you asking your husband isnt because you actually want or expect him to help her, it's to get him to speak up and support you with dealing with his family, not leaving you to handle it alone.

morag1234 · 24/09/2023 08:36

Absolutely not!!!
If you didn't have any children, I would perhaps say different but wow.

That is so cheeky. It's totally fine to ask but it sounds as though she is pretending to do you a favour to get free childcare.

She must realise how hard it is to look after a baby, surely she sees how difficult it must be for you with 2?!

I would be honest. Tell her you're exhausted, your Friday is to try and catch up on the house etc and look after your own child.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/09/2023 08:41

To answer afew questions it's all on the family group chat hence I have just ignored at the minute. I also have a missed call but can't be bothered just want to enjoy my weekend.

Not replying would just stress me out having it hanging over me! I’d send a message today saying, ‘I don’t want to commit to any childcare, but happy to meet up together with the kids at weekends’

Phineyj · 24/09/2023 08:45

I would be quite irritated if my DH was "laid back" to the point he thought it was ok for family members to demand a day a fortnight unpaid of my time!

lilmadmel · 24/09/2023 08:47

You might as well have five days at work if you’re doing that. Least you’d get paid for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

blahblahblah1654 · 24/09/2023 08:53

The cheek of it just announcing it on the group chat without asking. You might as well work full time if you're lumbered with SIL kid. Definitely not unreasonable saying no.

Zezet · 24/09/2023 08:58

No way would I do that.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/09/2023 09:01

Phineyj · 24/09/2023 08:45

I would be quite irritated if my DH was "laid back" to the point he thought it was ok for family members to demand a day a fortnight unpaid of my time!

I agree-if this was my DH, he’d have said something to her already.

rainbowstardrops · 24/09/2023 09:53

No, I wouldn't like to have that commitment on my one weekday day off. Does she not have family of her own to ask? But really, she needed to sort childcare out before she was due to go back to work!
Out of interest, how old is her child?

PurplePositivity · 24/09/2023 10:12

I'd have to reply so everyone's expectations were managed, otherwise presumptions will be made.

'Just catching up on these messages, sorry SIL I can't commit to having DNs every week, happy to discuss holidays so we can share the burden of childcare if needed.'

I'd then give her some recommendations for nurseries.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/09/2023 10:29

How old is her child and where will she be going on the other days of the week when your SIL goes back to work, @namechange201841 ?

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/09/2023 11:10

Just say no

I can't commit to every other Friday so I had better say no now rather then let you down at a later date