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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Come settle this, How late is too late?

100 replies

SpaceRaiders · 23/09/2023 15:06

A ‘friend’ arranged to meet at mine last night, I was fairly relaxed given it’s a Friday evening and it’s been a long busy week. Dd’s are tired as was I, so I tell her to come anytime after 7 fully expecting her to arrive around 7-7.30 and to leave by 10ish. I went out bought a nice bottle of wine and nibbles specifically.

It gets to 8.30 she’s no where to be seen, she hasn’t called or texted to let me know she’s running late. By 9pm I’d pretty much given up waiting for her. Dd’s go to bed, I run a bath and I’m in bed by 10. My phone is on charge but automatically goes on DND at 9.30, there’s no one on this planet I wish to speak to after that point, especially after a long week.

This morning I wake up to multiple messages and 4 missed calls between 9.35-9.47. She clearly annoyed at me for not answering her call as she was on her way. She says “shame I didn’t pick up”. She doesn’t reference her being late at all or even bother apologising. I respond by saying I gave up waiting and went to bed, maybe next time. She’s left me on unread.

I wouldn’t have thought it needed saying that arriving at anyone’s house after 10pm is unreasonable. Or is it just me?

OP posts:
RamsesTheChub · 23/09/2023 15:09

Needs more context. Do they know you're often an early person? Do they usually turn up to events before 8.30?

I feel your pain, but 'anytime after 7pm' seems to be the problem here...

Spanne · 23/09/2023 15:11

I don’t think either of you are wrong. Just different expectations of the evening. If someone said after 7 to me I’d probably aim for 7.30ish but can see why she thought you were on for late night Friday drinks.

burnoutbabe · 23/09/2023 15:11

After 7 with small kids in house too?

Yes I'd expect arrival 7-8 and everyone in bed /gone home by 10. Not starting at 9.30!

MNetcurtains · 23/09/2023 15:11

YANBU, but specify a time next time. "After 7" is open to abuse.

Callyem · 23/09/2023 15:12

It would also be too late for me. If I said after 7 and hadn't heard by 9 I would have texted to say leave for another night.

neleh87 · 23/09/2023 15:13

Sounds like a communication problem. I would have assumed the same as you though, they'd be there 8 latest.

I probably would have texted her around 8 to check she was still coming.

MidnightOnceMore · 23/09/2023 15:14

If I'd heard nothing by 9 I'd assume it wasn't happening, definitely.

Sigmama · 23/09/2023 15:14

To me after 7 means don't rock up before that, but definitely not 3 hours later, she's a cf

ShirleyPhallus · 23/09/2023 15:14

No YANBU but I’d have messaged her at 9.30 saying I was going to bed

MNetcurtains · 23/09/2023 15:14

Sigmama · 23/09/2023 15:14

To me after 7 means don't rock up before that, but definitely not 3 hours later, she's a cf

Exactly.

theGooHasGone · 23/09/2023 15:16

Yeah, she's clearly unreasonable to just think it's OK to show up that late if it's never happened before. But you should also have texted her before your bath and said "you know what, it's late, let's do this another night". You did also say "any time after 7" so quite ambiguous.

gannett · 23/09/2023 15:20

Depends on the kind of occasion too. If it was a house party or larger gathering, half 9 is probably around the time I'd aim for if told "any time after 7". But if it was just me and one other friend I'd aim for 7.30ish as the OP expected. Maybe her friend thought it was more of a late one?

Bad communication all round though, probably worse on the friend's part. If OP wanted her to arrive 7-7.30 she should have said so. Friend should probably have sent a message saying "I'm aiming for X time, is that OK". OP should have messaged asking what the friend's ETA was around 7.30-8 rather than just sacking her off.

Mumof2teens79 · 23/09/2023 15:21

I have done "anytime after" before and instantly regretted it. If some said it to me, I would take it as an opener in a negotiation.....so I would come back with a more specific time....when people don't do that it's frustrating but you assume its because it will be fairly close to that time....no more than an hour later unless they say something

I think some "young" people these days don't go out at all till after 9/10pm but I think it's obvious if you have kids you are gonna want to be much earlier.

Gymmum82 · 23/09/2023 15:25

I agree that after 9.30 is too late however I would have text at 9 and said it’s getting late now so let’s leave it. Most people would know that it’s too late but I have a friend who would think nothing of coming over late as she’s a night owl and stays up until 3-4am most nights.
She’s arranged to come over to mine before now and then not turned up when I’ve expected. I always message to say it’s too late don’t come rather than have her banging on the door at god knows what time

Cyllie33 · 23/09/2023 15:37

Yes, I think YABU. I mean, I’m an early bird and absolutely wouldn’t want someone arriving round after 9pm - but then I would say ‘arrive 7-7.30’. You said to arrive anytime after 7 and they did just that, I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong and think you’re pretty unreasonable not to have either messaged about 8 to check where they were/eta, or messaged when you went to bed/put your phone on dnd. It’s pretty rude but then you also call this person a ‘friend’ so not sure you like them that much. I don’t blame them for now leaving you unread.

autienotnaughty · 23/09/2023 15:42

After 7 means any time that has 7in it . But I would have messaged about 815 to say are you still coming. By 930 I would has assumed a no show and would have messaged saying going bed talk soon.

MariePaperRoses · 23/09/2023 15:44

You invited her for the evening.

The evening according to me is between 6.00pm and 9.00pm so therefore she wanted to turn up at night time.

I wouldn't invite her round again.

24HoursFromTulseHillEstate · 23/09/2023 15:46

Better to be clear about arrival time. You said ‘any time after…’ she took you at your word.

And then you could have messaged ‘sorry! conked out and gone to bed’ to let her know you were no longer waiting for her.

24HoursFromTulseHillEstate · 23/09/2023 15:48

Also ridiculous not to have checked your phone between 9.30 and 10.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 23/09/2023 15:48

Hmm... It does sound like poor communication on both parts. Personally, I'd have got there at 7.15/7.30 but I don't necessarily think she was wrong. It doesn't sound like it was clear there was a deadline on the night, maybe she was expecting a late one.

I'm an early dinner, early night person but I've got friends that eat after 9pm.

She should have said she was intending on coming after 9, but you should have text her and not just switched your phone off.

midgemadgemodge · 23/09/2023 15:50

anytime after 7 means not before 5 past 7 and before 8 in normal speak

Original poster
SpaceRaiders · 23/09/2023 15:54

Sorry to drip feed…I did text her at 8.30 saying “everything ok, are you still coming?” I got a message back just saying ‘yeah, I’m sorry’. Then nothing until after 9.30.

And who in their right mind would think it appropriate to want to start their night at 10pm with kids in the house? I’m bemused tbh, mainly because I don’t feel I did anything wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpaceRaiders · 23/09/2023 15:56

@Cyllie33 Thats pretty harsh. I called them a ‘friend’ because we’ve only met a few times and I don’t know them well. It’s the first time I’ve extended an invite to my house and likely the last!

OP posts:
Laiste · 23/09/2023 15:57

On her way at 9.35?! I'm hardly able to keep my eyes open after 9.15 😂 But then we're up at 5 ... but my mates know that though.

I'd have texted at about 8.30 to say are you ok, (!) and i think we should leave it 'cos i'm v tired.

I agree with pp that somehow i would associate ''any time after 7'' with times with 7 still in it.

Laiste · 23/09/2023 15:58

oh x post lol.

You're def not being U.