Come settle this, How late is too late?

[SpaceRaiders]

A ‘friend’ arranged to meet at mine last night, I was fairly relaxed given it’s a Friday evening and it’s been a long busy week. Dd’s are tired as was I, so I tell her to come anytime after 7 fully expecting her to arrive around 7-7.30 and to leave by 10ish. I went out bought a nice bottle of wine and nibbles specifically.

It gets to 8.30 she’s no where to be seen, she hasn’t called or texted to let me know she’s running late. By 9pm I’d pretty much given up waiting for her. Dd’s go to bed, I run a bath and I’m in bed by 10. My phone is on charge but automatically goes on DND at 9.30, there’s no one on this planet I wish to speak to after that point, especially after a long week.

This morning I wake up to multiple messages and 4 missed calls between 9.35-9.47. She clearly annoyed at me for not answering her call as she was on her way. She says “shame I didn’t pick up”. She doesn’t reference her being late at all or even bother apologising. I respond by saying I gave up waiting and went to bed, maybe next time. She’s left me on unread.

I wouldn’t have thought it needed saying that arriving at anyone’s house after 10pm is unreasonable. Or is it just me?

I would have made the same assumption as you and expected her to be there by about 7.30pm. When it got to about 8pm, I would have checked in with her to see if she was still coming.

If I was her, once I realised it would be nowhere near 7 that I arrived, I would have updated you on my eta and checked all was still ok.

Thinking about how I extend invites at home, rarely will I be specific on timings, unless we’re heading onwards or we have booking elsewhere. It’s an informal setting, why would I? To me, I’m welcoming you to my home, it doesn’t really matter if you arrive a little early or within an hour of the stated time.

I’ve never had a situation whereby a friend has assumed arriving late in the night would be acceptable. And those that do arrive late, get given instructions on how they can let themselves in. Because I know I don’t have the capacity to be hosting beyond 10pm especially after a busy week. My friends/family know that they’ll have to entertain themselves after a certain time. I often slink off to bed leaving them to it. It’s become a bit of a joke, I do it so often!

But I’ll be more specific in future, if this thread is anything to go by!

Mainly this sounds like a communication/expectations mismatch. Her “yeah, sorry.” at 8:30 makes a bit of a difference in that I think you should have told her it was too late and you were going to bed instead of just going to bed and ignoring.

But I also think that sort of text from her hints at disorganization and a lack of concern about her impact on others, so you two are probably not destined to be easy going friends who mesh well. It will take a bit of accommodating on both sides, and you need to ask yourselves if it’s worth it.

Yanbu. To my mind, any time after 7 means 730 745ish but no later than about 8pm.
Unless a wild night is planned 😉

I think you had two different ideas of how the night was going to go. You, assumed that she would be there around 7 and long gone by 10pm. She probably thought you might make a night of it and would probably be there till at least midnight so didn't rush over at 7pm.

Unless you specifically said "I've had a busy week and I'm usually in bed by 10pm so can we not make it too late" then I'm not sure how she can be a mind reader. Maybe she thought it's friday night, no one has to get up for work or school tomorrow so it was okay to have a late ish relaxing night in??

Why didnt you message at 9.30 saying I'm off to bed, maybe another time. You both handled the communication badly with this, it only took a call or message or arranging a time in advance.

I don't really get it, you talk as if you have young ones to put to bed so she avoided bedtime, then say you are in bed by 10 on a Friday now your kids are tweens?

30 years ago from 10 up guides finished at 9pm Friday and now my kids from 10 finish scouts at 9pm or later if an activity is on so I'm not sure how that is possible!

Most people want time awake after their kids have gone to bed.

Miscommunication on both sides. You were unreasonable not to text her and say you were going to bed.

I take any time after 7pm to mean what it says on the tin - although I also wouldn't be heading to somebody's house at gone 9pm.

I would have contacted her at about 7.00 7.30 and asked if she was on her way.

@Ollifer Genuinely, why is the onus on me to message her telling her I’m off to bed? If she was planning on being much later, she should have given me an accurate ETA when she responded at 8.30.

The funny thing is it’s not even that I wanted her gone by 10pm. A bottle of wine down and the charcuterie i’d prepared, we would have likely been chatting until gone midnight.

I think PP are right in saying our expectations are mismatched therefore friendship is somewhat unlikely. Anyways I’ve pissed her off now so that’s that!

I would have texted at 8:30 to say don't bother and then texted again when I went in the bath to say "it's not happening"

Next time be precise

""But I’ll be more specific in future""

Problem solved 😃

So I think their expectation to show up at that time and still be hosted is a bit much absolutely but I think that when they messaged to say sorry, but I'm still coming then that was your opportunity to say OK but I need to go to bed at x time to be ready for the next day. Would another night suit better. You've essentially given them the impression that it's still OK for them to turn up later and obviously you've both had different expectations of the evening. So I think tbh neither of you have been unreasonable but communication has been lacking on both sides.

I would never arrive at someone's house at 9.35 of I was invited for after 7.30. Then you text her at 8.30 and she still delays another hour. Fuck that.

No loss. She's really rude

She's an inconsiderate twit but host should always specify parameters.

"Can you come at 7:30 and plan to end by 10? I have an early day on Saturday."

In future set an exact time

Saves a lot of pissing around

Both of you are unreasonable, you should both have specified a time.

You say you don't know her well yet, so it sounds like you each have different expectations for your evening hours. It sometimes surprises me how much people's perceptions differ from my own. I was once selling something locally and told the buyer there was "no rush" for her to collect it, meaning any time in the next few days. She took it to mean I would hold onto it for a month for her! Just be more specific about the invite next time - "Do you fancy coming over for a glass of wine and nibbles tomorrow? Come about half seven? I'm usually flagging by ten, hope that's OK?".

I don't understand why you didn't cancel when she text you back at 8.30 if it was getting too late for you.

@Boomboom22 Why I’m I tired? I have a health condition, I’m chronically burnt out running a business, whilst also being a single parent.

Dd’s have sports/activities every night bar Fridays. Dd 1 doesn’t get home from
school until 6.45 most days. On Friday’s we have baths and get into Pjs by 6, then make pizzas or have takeout and a movie. Weekends we have hockey and netball fixtures. What can I say?! It’s the start of term and we are all tired at the moment.

for me around midnight and im ready for zzzzz, evening would be similiar 6pm/7pm-10pm/11pm

100% this.

I’m another one who thinks you’re defo not being unreasonable! If you told me “anytime after 7” I wouldn’t arrive any later than 8, I always take the “any time after” time to mean that’s when someone wants me to go. I wouldn’t turn up nearly 3 hours later!

I think this is mostly just poor communication on both your parts. I think you're possibly slightly more in the wrong because of going to bed without telling her you were calling things off (especially since you'd messaged and found out she was still intending to arrive). But mostly this is because you were both too vague and don't know each other well enough to understand each other's expectations.