Come settle this, How late is too late?

[SpaceRaiders]

A ‘friend’ arranged to meet at mine last night, I was fairly relaxed given it’s a Friday evening and it’s been a long busy week. Dd’s are tired as was I, so I tell her to come anytime after 7 fully expecting her to arrive around 7-7.30 and to leave by 10ish. I went out bought a nice bottle of wine and nibbles specifically.

It gets to 8.30 she’s no where to be seen, she hasn’t called or texted to let me know she’s running late. By 9pm I’d pretty much given up waiting for her. Dd’s go to bed, I run a bath and I’m in bed by 10. My phone is on charge but automatically goes on DND at 9.30, there’s no one on this planet I wish to speak to after that point, especially after a long week.

This morning I wake up to multiple messages and 4 missed calls between 9.35-9.47. She clearly annoyed at me for not answering her call as she was on her way. She says “shame I didn’t pick up”. She doesn’t reference her being late at all or even bother apologising. I respond by saying I gave up waiting and went to bed, maybe next time. She’s left me on unread.

I wouldn’t have thought it needed saying that arriving at anyone’s house after 10pm is unreasonable. Or is it just me?

I think they YABU - you didn’t bother messaging her to check if she was on her way, didn’t bother checking your phone before you went to bed and didn’t see her texts and calls. Whilst I agree that she was late maybe she was giving you time to put your dd’s to bed before calling.

How come you didn’t hear the doorbell if she was there before 10??

I don't think you did anything wrong at all, but equally even here your text is a bit unclear (probably because you were trying to be nice). Nowadays people are so entitled they just don't think of others, empathy is a thing people talk about, not actually have.

As an example, I get up at 4.30 am (for good reasons), which means early nights. If people are coming round, no matter how many times I say early, they still think it means early by their standards (which means don't expect them before 8 and count myself lucky if they're gone by 1am). To them, I should just not get up so early....

I think you just need to be a bit more assertive in what's acceptable, in future.

I've got a friend with young children. She invites people over regularly and wouldn't want them to arrive before 9pm. She likes for the children to be totally settled before she relaxes. I know other friends who want everyone out of the house by 9.30pm. It's not really fair to assume someone understands your exact intention.

However! You did text her at 8.30pm, I'd have taken her response to mean she wasn't coming.

You did say anytime after 7, so cannot be annoyed thar she came at anytime after that. I don't think 9:30 is unreasonable.
Why did you not specify a time or call her to check she was still going and what time she was going to arrive?

I agree with pp that somehow i would associate ''any time after 7'' with times with 7 still in it.

Exactly. I didn’t give a specific time because we were at home having a relaxed evening. I didn’t mind if she arrived at 7 or 7.55. But equally I didn’t expect someone to arrive at gone 10pm.

Had I picked up the phone when she rang, it would have been an awkward conversation asking her to reschedule.

This is why I always expect a time to be detailed, irs not a plan until there's a time attached.

@HunterHearstHelmsley Thats what I thought, but upon reading that message again this morning it could easily have meant either.

It sounds like a lack of clear communication on both side fed. One side (which I'd probably have been on if I'd received your invitation) was they'd turn up between 7-8pm) and theirs as they have acted upon.

I wonder does your friend have children and this extrapolate that turning up after 9pm was fine.. 🌹

You said anytime after 7 so she assumed you meant anytime.
You should have said between 7 and 8 as you wanted an early night

When I'd decided to go to bed, I'd have sent another text explaining this and saying good night.

You said 'after 7'

Whilst for me 10 pm is way too late to start an evening's entertainment, for some it isn't

As you don't know this friend well, communication is key

No one is wrong, you were just very non specific

Given you didn’t call her on the night (why?) and she didn’t text any updates no one has any business being annoyed.

@CKN You’re reaching and massively missing the mark. My tween Dd’s don’t need putting to bed. And she didn’t ring my door bell. I have a video door bell, security system. I’d have known if she was stood at my door.

10pm isn’t that late if she is used to going out in a Friday night, I’ve been invited out for ‘pre-drinks’ at a similar time when going to a club/ bar etc. I totally understand as a parent to young kids it is too late but sounds like she is at a different point in her life and didn’t realise, 10pm would be a very early time to end the night to a lot of people on a Friday!

I think it’s a point of crossed wires rather than either side being unreasonable. That said I think you probably should have been clearer when you text her at 8:30 that you were planning an early night so if she wasn’t coming in next 15 minutes not to bother and you definitely should have text her when you went to bed just to say that it was a bit late now and you were going to bed so for her not to come over.

Why didn't you message her to see when she was arriving? I would hae been in contact with a friend who didn't show up as planned. Maybe something happened? I would have been texting by 7:30ish to get a feel for her timeline and would keep in touch if there were no updates or a no show.

I think it is really odd to expect her for 7 or 7:30 and not hear from her and not follow up at all. Neither of you messaged the other so you are both weird!

Well of course YANBU to be pissed off @SpaceRaiders and it's ludicrous for anyone to say 'oooh you said after 7pm, so 10pm is fair game.' But the for the hard of thinking (like your 'friend') I would say next time (between 7pm and 8pm.)

I would have messaged her when she wasn't there by 8pm to ask what time she was coming. If she had then said 10pm, you could have said, sorry I think we have different ideas, that will be too late for me.

Next time, say "between 7 and 8 would be good" just to make it clear

@MolkosTeenageAngst I must admit my days of pre-drinks and starting my night at 11pm are long gone! My nights start at 7.30/8, I want to be driven from door to door and be home by midnight or 1am at a push. Friend is over 10 years older than me with teens.

@saffronsoup I did. I went from being concerned that she hadn’t contacted me, to being annoyed at her lack of consideration. But going from this thread, it seems that if someone says ‘after 7pm’ many think it’s arrive anytime you like!

Completely with you op.. I would next be much more clear with your friend next time she is a bit of a dick to think that was appropriate when you have children without checking first!

I voted YANBU at first and changed it to YABU.

Your communication was not clear as you perceive it. Anytime after 7pm on a Friday night is not clear and leaves things open for interpretation. Since you had a set time or way that you do your nights you should have said so upfront before extending an invitation in the first place. This “friend” is not a mind reader. She does not know your night schedule or expectations for the night. You made assumptions based how you would think without thinking that she may think differently.

Equally, she shouldn’t have been vague on the time she was arriving. This does mostly fall on you though since you extended the invite with no clear, specific time while having your own schedule in mind without informing said friend and expecting her to do as you would do.

I'd have been fuming with that, but then I wouldn't have said "any time after 7" in the first place. You've left things open to interpretation.

If you want someone to come round at a certain time, then tell them the time you want to come round.

It’s a bit weird that she didn’t give you an idea of when she was coming after you’d texted at half 8.

But, I wouldn’t expect someone to just know what your bedtime is. Having kids doesn’t mean everyone is in bed at 10... I’m not sure I’ve ever gone to bed as early as that.

YABU. After 7pm means anytime after 7. I have 3 kids who often don’t go to bed until late so I don’t see an issue with an evening with a friend starting around 9/10. You could have reworded your invite to say come between 7-8.

Then wouldn't you tell your friends that it won't be anywhere near 7pm and give a more accurate timeframe?

Oh, this bit makes it a bit different to me - since she replied to you to say "yeah sorry" at around 8:30, I wouldn't have then gone and had a bath & gone to bed. I think you should have said, "it's going to be too late a night for me and cancelled" when she hadn't arrived by 9 and waited for her response, not let it go to do not disturb. It's not like you hadn't heard from her at all.

I can't believe how many people think your friend didn't do anything wrong!!!!

She was rude. You are definitely NBU.

I would never ever consider turning up to someone's house that late, especially if they had young children.

Only thing I would have done differently is messaged at 9 saying you were going to bed.