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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Come settle this, How late is too late?

100 replies

SpaceRaiders · 23/09/2023 15:06

A ‘friend’ arranged to meet at mine last night, I was fairly relaxed given it’s a Friday evening and it’s been a long busy week. Dd’s are tired as was I, so I tell her to come anytime after 7 fully expecting her to arrive around 7-7.30 and to leave by 10ish. I went out bought a nice bottle of wine and nibbles specifically.

It gets to 8.30 she’s no where to be seen, she hasn’t called or texted to let me know she’s running late. By 9pm I’d pretty much given up waiting for her. Dd’s go to bed, I run a bath and I’m in bed by 10. My phone is on charge but automatically goes on DND at 9.30, there’s no one on this planet I wish to speak to after that point, especially after a long week.

This morning I wake up to multiple messages and 4 missed calls between 9.35-9.47. She clearly annoyed at me for not answering her call as she was on her way. She says “shame I didn’t pick up”. She doesn’t reference her being late at all or even bother apologising. I respond by saying I gave up waiting and went to bed, maybe next time. She’s left me on unread.

I wouldn’t have thought it needed saying that arriving at anyone’s house after 10pm is unreasonable. Or is it just me?

OP posts:

BrawnWild · 23/09/2023 17:50

I agree after 7pm means before 8pm.

But I think texting her at 830 asking if she is still coming, getting a yes, and then making yourself unavailable is off. Thats why the onus was on you to cancel and say sorry, off to bed, let's reschedule.

caringcarer · 23/09/2023 17:54

Maybe next time say come for 8pm.

ChristmasJumpers · 23/09/2023 17:57

You're in the right all the way up to going to bed without letting her know you were cancelling the night. She was rude and vague but she had confirmed she was still coming, so a little text to say it was too late for you and you were going to bed would have saved her from still turning up.

DungareesAndTrombones · 23/09/2023 17:57

What a fucking maniac she is. I would have been in bed too, OP.

JANEY205 · 23/09/2023 18:02

10pm is 3 hours after 7! I’d never turn up that late as come after 7 to me means arrive soonish after 7? This friend is a moron.

eralclow · 23/09/2023 18:12

It's not you! If someone said after seven I would probably aim to be there around 7.30.
That time to turn up is ridiculous!

grumpycow1 · 23/09/2023 18:14

I think she is in the wrong for sure, ‘any time after 7’ shouldn’t mean 3 hours later.

at the same time, if you didn’t know her that well you should have been A LOT clearer. First to say a specific time - ‘does it work for you to get to mine before 8? I’m not one to stay up too late these days’

then It would have been polite to send a text saying ‘I assume you’re not coming, but I’m off to bed now. Hope we can rearrange soon’

ThomasinaLivesHere · 23/09/2023 18:19

I don’t get why you didn’t text to say it was cancelled. She’d said she was still coming.

Sure she should have been more specific when replying to you but you set things up in a casual way.

Cockmigrant · 23/09/2023 18:21

CKN · 23/09/2023 16:03

I think they YABU - you didn’t bother messaging her to check if she was on her way, didn’t bother checking your phone before you went to bed and didn’t see her texts and calls. Whilst I agree that she was late maybe she was giving you time to put your dd’s to bed before calling.

How come you didn’t hear the doorbell if she was there before 10??

Where's the bit about the doorbell?

ASGIRC · 23/09/2023 18:24

While if I was me, I wouldnt have given a heads up, if I was going to be that late, 9.30 for me is also pretty early and I would never, in a million year, be in bed by then on a Friday.

Even my friends with kids stay up until all hours.

I would chalk this up to a miscommunication on both parts and move on.

GirlOfTudor · 23/09/2023 18:29

You're not being unreasonable. That's far too late to come round. However, I think it's a good lesson to have better communication between you both 😊

Cockmigrant · 23/09/2023 18:33

Communication wasn't clear enough - on either side really.
I don't give people vague times like "any time after 7" because I don't want to be hanging around waiting for them to show at 8 or at 9 or whenever. Also, if I'm wanting to go to bed early I'll say that too.
She just thought any time was fine because you hadn't communicated clearly. However, when you asked if she was still coming at 8.30 she should have communicated at that point approximately when she was going to show up, or you could have asked when she wrote "yeah, I'm sorry". I think her reply was a bit abrupt at that point - should have elaborated on what time she might arrive.
Only half an hour after that you decided you'd had enough and started getting ready for bed and then the phone was on do not disturb. You should have messaged her at that point to call it off and reschedule.

I don't know why but in recent years my experience is that you have to be very clear in your communication because people have all sorts of different ideas about what phrases like "any time after 7" means or general etiquette.
Eg. when I was younger you just wouldn't be going round to someone's house for the evening starting at 9pm and everyone kind of knew that. But times have moved on so you have to set out things more clearly.

Original poster

SpaceRaiders · 23/09/2023 18:40

We’re in bed early but up by 5.30 most days. I do an hour of emails before DD’s get up around 6 @ASGIRC We have sports matches and training every weekend mornings. Today we were up and out by 7.30 drove 70 miles to a match. Tomorrow is hockey training at 9.30. If your kids play sports this is the routine. Mine can’t go without at least 8 hrs sleep and neither can I for that matter!

OP posts:

ShouldIbeLeftWithLess · 23/09/2023 18:48

Communication was poor on both sides. You were vague about the time and she could have kept in touch to give you an idea of eta. But why not message her to say you're calling it a night? Sounds like you almost wanted this to happen to teach her a lesson tbh.

Islandsadness · 23/09/2023 19:12

Genuinely, why is the onus on me to message her telling her I’m off to bed?

Because you were the one with both pieces of information - you knew she was still coming from her text, and you knew you had given up and were going to bed.

She only knew one of those pieces of information, so it was on you to tell her.

Growlybear83 · 23/09/2023 19:16

I think you should have called her at 8.30 to check when she was expecting to arrive, but I think it was silly to tell her to arrive any time after 7 rather than specify a time. If I have friends round for the evening, I wouldn't expect them to arrive before 8.30, and it wouldn't bother me if they were quite a bit later, if a time had been agreed, and I would be surprised if anyone left much before midnight. I doubt your friend expected the evening would end at 10, let alone anyone going to bed at that time on a Friday night.

24HoursFromTulseHillEstate · 23/09/2023 22:13

She told you at 8.30 that she was still intending to come. So when you decided it was too late you should have told her.

I have friends who struggle with ME, long covid etc. They are explicit:”let’s meet at xx because I’m not good past xx at night”. I.e they communicate.

Your friend sounds unreliable and flaky, you sound martyish and passive aggressive.

Original poster

SpaceRaiders · 23/09/2023 22:32

And had she been here soon after 8.30pm, there wouldn’t have been an issue.

All of these attacks on my character are baseless. I genuinely asked peoples opinions and I’ve heard the advice that going to bed was the wrong thing to do. I’ve already apologised for my part in the miscommunication, the end!

OP posts:

savuni27 · 23/09/2023 23:54

You aren't being unreasonable!
Your friend is in the wrong to assume turning up at that time would be acceptable.

everythingthelighttouches · 24/09/2023 00:07

Why would anyone with a health condition that makes them tired and need to go to bed early and who is up at 5.30 am say “anytime after 7” when you didn’t mean it?

Why would anyone who was invited and intended to come much later (or who was running much later than 7) not send a message with an ETA?

Why would anyone who just received a message from a guest saying they were still coming over, pack up, go to bed and not check their phone half an hour later, without sending a message to cancel?

so many assumptions
so little communication
so rude on both sides

Boomboom22 · 24/09/2023 00:08

Totally fair then, yeah I'm sorry could mean I'm still coming or sorry I'm not now so that's a bit unclear on her part tbh.

PollyPeep · 24/09/2023 00:18

Sorry, I think YABU. You should have specified a time, eg "come for around 8pm" or "Any time between 7-8pm". Especially as you say you don't know her well. So many opportunities for miscommunication! Also rather than having a bath and going to bed (honestly, I think this is weird when you're expecting a guest), I'd have just told her at 9 that it was getting a bit late and could you reschedule. In my mind, starting the evening on Friday night at 9.30pm isn't that late. Possibly she even thought she was doing you a favour by giving you time to get kids to bed and yourself ready.

I'd have been annoyed if a friend had told me to come "after 7" and then when I arrived after 7 they were in bed without informing me 😅 Then again, I'm a night owl and think it's much more rude when someone arrives early.

Jakadaal · 24/09/2023 00:39

I am typically a late night person but anyone arriving after 9pm is a no no. However I would have been more specific about timings and I would feel compelled to text after 8.45 to say reschedule. If someone arrives after 9pm then chances are they won't leave until 11pm and anything after that is my time to wind down to sleep and bedtime.

Eyeroll2024 · 30/03/2024 23:43

Yep, that's too late. But next time tell them come between 7 and 8.

CarrotCake01 · 30/03/2024 23:51

I don't think your friend was in the wrong necessarily. It was just a bit of a misunderstanding. But then I am a natural night owl and will stay up past midnight most nights.

Next time, you just need a bit of a more precise time range.

YABU though for being like "come over sometime after 7" then fucking off to bed! 😂
You messaged at half 8 to check she was Still coming and she replied saying yes ... and rather than a follow up, you just had a bath and went to sleep! 😂

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