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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling resentful at sick DH

117 replies

Champgal · 23/09/2023 08:20

I know off the bay everyone is most likely going to tell me I’m being very unreasonable, but I feel pissed off that EVERY time we go away DH gets sick and we have to stay in. I tell him before we go he needs to take measures to ensure the holiday isn’t spoiled with him getting sick but he always insists he will be fine then we so much time inside. Every time I try to go out and do something he insists he comes then we get ten mins down the road and he says we need to turn back as he’s too unwell feeling. I know it’s not his fault but l get so annoyed that I want to be out doing things and he wants to sit inside in the air con because he says he feels not great. Urgh!

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 23/09/2023 08:21

Go out without him

donkra · 23/09/2023 08:21

Send him back by himself and go and get on with your holiday on your own.

Janieforever · 23/09/2023 08:23

Is he very unwell at home, does he have an illness or condition? Or is it anxiety related?

CalistoNoSolo · 23/09/2023 08:24

I wouldn't tolerate this at all to the extent that I would refuse to holiday with him. Is it food poisoning or man flu? Either way it seems massively manipulative. What's he like normally?

Purplepepsi · 23/09/2023 08:25

Next time it happens drop him back and carry on out!

CrapBucket · 23/09/2023 08:26

Be firm and do your own thing without him. Sounds like a rubbish holiday otherwise.

Mistressanne · 23/09/2023 08:27

I think he's pretending to be reasonable but actually is controlling and preventing you going out.
He's unlikely to be ill every time.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 23/09/2023 08:27

Gosh yes leave him at home. This is some kind of unconscious sabotage

Original poster
Champgal · 23/09/2023 08:28

Nope never unwell at home. Always seems to be when we go away. He gets very moody if I go out and try to do something on my own or like I said, he asks me to give him 30-45 mins in the room then says he is feeling a bit better and asks to come, we then get out for maybe 20 mins and he wants to turn back as feeling funny again. It’s our last night away and I’m either going to have to order pizza to the hotel as that’s all he said he thinks he can handle or I go out to eat alone. It’s very annoying

OP posts:
Aprilx · 23/09/2023 08:28

I think a bit of context is required on this one. Does he have an illness normally? Is he anxious about travel? Do you think he is feigning illness?

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/09/2023 08:28

Send him home on his own and enjoy a day out without him.

Soubriquet · 23/09/2023 08:29

Let him sulk and GO OUT

FluffyCloudsofShit · 23/09/2023 08:31

Why are you scared of him being in a mood. He's not bothered about him ruining your time by insisting you stay with him. Even if he is really sick a grown man doesn't need someone to look after him.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 23/09/2023 08:32

What is he ill with while he’s away? Could it be anxiety related?

does he ever go away without you (with work or friends)? Is he the same then?

if this was a one off it would be bad luck but if it keeps happening I can completely understand why you’re so pissed off with him.

donkra · 23/09/2023 08:32

Let him fucking sulk and go out by yourself, FGS! He's not a child, he doesn't need babysat. What kind of adult and partner who is genuinely ill wants to confine their partner there on holiday watching them, instead of just going off to enjoy things on their own?

Original poster
Champgal · 23/09/2023 08:32

For context, he’s not unwell usually and has no health problems. I believe that sometimes he does have a bit of upset stomach when we go away, but no more then everyone else gets, he’s not stuck to the toilet by any means. I think he has a very low tolerance and when usual people may carry on exploring and manage it he just wants to wait out every little ailment. I also have had a little upset stomach but it was cleared up in a few hours and I carried on as normal and nothing else happened, but I think he assumes he might shit himself on the street or something unrealistic like that

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 23/09/2023 08:32

Sounds manipulative and controlling of him. You drop him back and go out again. Or he catches up with you if he feels well enough. You don't have to spend a holiday stuck indoors with him. The fact you assumed we'd all tell.you that you're unreasonable suggests he's skewed your sense of normality. Is he generally controlling?

sjj28358 · 23/09/2023 08:33

Why is he ill every time you go away?
Is it anxiety?

Surely he can see an issue with spending all that money to go somewhere different and then not leaving the accommodation? Can he not understand that you want to make use of the time spent travelling?

My own DP is a bit of a hypochondriac a lot of the time, always moaning about aches and pains and feeling dizzy etc - but he would pull himself together in this situation and get one with the holiday for everyone else's sake.

Is there anyone else on the holiday apart from you and your DP? Children, other family? I'd go out with them and ignore his whining, not in a nasty confrontational way but without any real kindness or sympathy, just say "ok, you stay at the hotel them and rest, and we'll go out for the day. Hopefully you'll feel well enough to join us later for dinner; I'll let you know where we decide to go"

CalistoNoSolo · 23/09/2023 08:35

God he sounds like a complete pita. How can you stand him?

Muchtoomuchtodo · 23/09/2023 08:36

Upset stomach could well be anxiety related. Is it something he would talk about more - to you or somebody else (maybe some kind of counsellor)?

Leeds2 · 23/09/2023 08:36

If he wants to go back to your hotel, let him make his own way. Absolutely no need for you to accompany him. Tell him where you are going, and he can join you later if he wants to.
And if he sulks, let him. He’ll soon stop once he realises that his sulking is having zero impact.

Hummingbird89 · 23/09/2023 08:36

Oh god, reading your updates you’re not being unreasonable. This would drive me mad. What an absolute wet blanket. And to get moody with you if you want to go out alone is absolutely pathetic.

KimberleyClark · 23/09/2023 08:37

He does sound a bit manipulative. My DH has residual issues from cancer treatment a decade ago which mean he sometimes needs to go to the toilet very urgently, but he doesn’t let it get in the way of his enjoyment of life.

SophieB0012 · 23/09/2023 08:40

My husband suffers really badly from anxiety and the first few years of our relationship he was too embarrassed to tell me so he used to pretend to be ill and he’d get really irritable. I can’t even count the amount of times we had to leave somewhere because of it. At that time I thought he was just being grumpy and miserable and it nearly ended us. Eventually he admitted it all and now takes medication for his anxiety which has changed our lives and relationship!
I’m not usually one to stick up for a man but do you think this could be the same type of thing? Sometimes it’s so hard to get men to open up about how they’re actually feeling. Maybe a sit down talk about it when you’re both in a good mood could help? Once I knew it was anxiety it was a lot easier to cope with as we could deal with it together.

That being said - it could also be that he just wants the power and control over what you two do together! In which case perhaps he isn’t the right man for you.

fearfuloffluff · 23/09/2023 08:41

Does it happen equally on every type of holiday? Does he show any actual symptoms or just vague 'unwellness'? I'd go on and let him go back alone tbh.

He's either controlling or it's anxiety. Being away can slightly unsettle your stomach/disturb routines but you have to just cope with it.

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