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Original poster

Feeling resentful at sick DH

117 replies

Champgal · 23/09/2023 08:20

I know off the bay everyone is most likely going to tell me I’m being very unreasonable, but I feel pissed off that EVERY time we go away DH gets sick and we have to stay in. I tell him before we go he needs to take measures to ensure the holiday isn’t spoiled with him getting sick but he always insists he will be fine then we so much time inside. Every time I try to go out and do something he insists he comes then we get ten mins down the road and he says we need to turn back as he’s too unwell feeling. I know it’s not his fault but l get so annoyed that I want to be out doing things and he wants to sit inside in the air con because he says he feels not great. Urgh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Champgal · 23/09/2023 08:41

I agree with the person who said your DH can be a bit of a hypochondriac, mine is for sure. He says he feels ‘spacey’ and ‘out of it’ and dizzy ect then he starts acting like he can hardly see ect and when we go back he lays in the aircon. I told him
that I am going out in half an hour for the day and I’m not coming back untill before dinner so he can pull himself together or stay in and wait

OP posts:
FedUpMumof10YO · 23/09/2023 08:45

Sounds like anxiety.

frecklejuice · 23/09/2023 08:47

Omg this would drive me mental!

You need to start leaving him behind "I'm sorry you aren't feeling great but I'm going to go out and I'll call to check in with you later".

Despite him behaving like a child he isn't one and unless seriously ill he can take care of himself.

This would seriously give me the ick!

AnnaBlush · 23/09/2023 09:01

It’s seems strange he gets sick every time. if you stay more local does he get ill?
My brother was perplexed he very often got a very bad stomach on holidays despite being careful only drinking bottled water, super careful re food choices. He always preferred ‘ doing holidays’ not relaxing so tends to involve walking ( not sun bed lounging)
He then realised the only holiday he has not been Ill was in quatar ( where it was so hot they couldn’t walk in heat). Or cold uk holidays - he even got ill in summer in London. He thinks he has runner stomach ( combination of heat and movement means his stomach empty’s himself)
Could this be the cause?
Regardless I don’t understand why he wants you both to miss out

the reaction to feeling strange / faint reminds me of my friends partner who is bedridden for days with every illness - (whilst she has to keep going regardless of illness looking after weans). She asked him day 3 of being bed bound watching tv - exactly how he was feeling. Apparently no pain or Nausea- but he just felt ‘ weak’.

Regardless what does your husband propose to avoid wasted holidays? I know you said his worse fear - is there truth on this? Has it ever happened? could he go to Gp pre- emotively for medication or buy over the counter?

LizzieSiddal · 23/09/2023 09:09

There are two things going on here.

-he’s ill, could be anxiety or actual illness

-him wanting you to stay with him rather than going out and enjoying your holiday.

The second thing is controlling and there’s no excuse for it.

Is he controlling in other areas of your life?

MammaTo · 23/09/2023 09:09

He sounds like he is being a bit controlling. Doesn’t like seeing you enjoy yourself. Next time you go away take another couple or a friend you can spend time with instead and I bet he’d be miraculously perky again 😂

Tbry · 23/09/2023 09:12

I think your husband may be having mild symptoms of panic attacks. He might not even know it is that, neither did I. Next holiday do something completely different like just a couple of days away, places you know well, less travel and hopefully he will feel ok. But bear in mind if this happens whilst you are away only at the moment it could change and develop into a serious MH illness.

LizzieSiddal · 23/09/2023 09:18

Tbry · 23/09/2023 09:12

I think your husband may be having mild symptoms of panic attacks. He might not even know it is that, neither did I. Next holiday do something completely different like just a couple of days away, places you know well, less travel and hopefully he will feel ok. But bear in mind if this happens whilst you are away only at the moment it could change and develop into a serious MH illness.

I do ageee with this in that my dh had similar issues, he went through a few years where he was “ill” for the first few days of every holiday. He did have physical symptoms, feeling sick/heart palpitations/weak etc. I knew it was mental health related, he could hold things together when he working at his very intense job but the second he switched off from it, all his issues (related to his abusive childhood) came home to roost. He eventually went to counselling and it helped him enormously.

However the fact the Op’s H is insisting she stays in the room with him for the whole holiday is very controlling and not acceptable.

bonzaitree · 23/09/2023 09:24

I think you need to have a chat. Tell him what you’ve told us on here. You pay to go on holiday and you want to enjoy it. He is always feeling rough and wanting to stay in and that isn’t enjoyable for you. If you go out he sulks.

It might be that holidays aren’t for him. Maybe you could go away in your own / with family or friends in future? Maybe it’s the type of holiday that he’s like to try something different.

but something has to change here!

Tbry · 23/09/2023 09:49

@LizzieSiddal glad to hear your husband is feeling better. I’ve been struggling with MH illnesses for a few years now, not relating to holidays, had some therapy and continuing to try to manage the symptoms.

And yes I would agree I don’t understand why that means the OP cannot go out, that does then sound controlling.

Just wonder if it’s all linked to something else we don’t know.

Olika · 23/09/2023 10:15

I told him
that I am going out in half an hour for the day and I’m not coming back untill before dinner so he can pull himself together or stay in and wait

Good job! Enjoy your last day!

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/09/2023 10:31

How annoying op
go out on your own
sod him

Kimten · 23/09/2023 10:34

Wowsers. What a twat.

Yes, leave him there to piss and moan on his own.
You go out.

Maybe if you're lucky, he'll have died by the time you get back.

gannett · 23/09/2023 10:37

Champgal · 23/09/2023 08:28

Nope never unwell at home. Always seems to be when we go away. He gets very moody if I go out and try to do something on my own or like I said, he asks me to give him 30-45 mins in the room then says he is feeling a bit better and asks to come, we then get out for maybe 20 mins and he wants to turn back as feeling funny again. It’s our last night away and I’m either going to have to order pizza to the hotel as that’s all he said he thinks he can handle or I go out to eat alone. It’s very annoying

This is really weird.

There might be something a bit more serious going on with him - it sounds more like travel anxiety than his actual health per se, if he's not usually unwell at home. He needs to actually face up to that and be proactive in trying to knock it on the head though.

Or it might be an example of his controlling nature - do you sense this in any other areas of the relationship?

Getting moody if you try to go out on your own is absolutely not on, in any case. If DP or I are so sick on holiday that we have to stay in, we'll absolutely encourage the other to have a lovely day - why would we want to make the other one miserable too? And if I'm sick why would I want someone else hanging around all day?

JFDIYOLO · 23/09/2023 10:59

There's something wrong, and if he isn't controlling anywhere else in your lives, I reckon he has an anxiety issue, maybe around strange places, unfamiliar food, what 'might happen'.

I wouldn't go straight to assuming he's being a pain on purpose - he may need help.

Start with calmly talking through what you've noticed and asking him to go to the GP.

Original poster
Champgal · 23/09/2023 11:40

I will say that he is not at all a controlling person, he won’t admit it but I get the sense that he may get overwhelmed like someone mentioned and it results in him ‘feeling out of it ect’. He doesn’t insist that I have to stay in, but I can tell by his behaviour he would much rather I stayed with him. Every time I ask how he is he seems to have a new ailment, ‘I have stabbing in the stomach a bit’ or ‘now I just feel fuzzy and a bit out of it’ or ‘just a bit of a headache now’. I can tell he is feeling very sorry for himself

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 23/09/2023 11:46

He needs some help.

If you were getting overwhelmed by something, perhaps resulting in some odd behaviour, would you hope he'd try to help you get to the bottom of it?

That's what 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health' really means.

It really does seem like he has a problem around new and different places and activities and could benefit from some investigations.

Be prepared for heels digging in, though.

Livinginanotherworld · 23/09/2023 11:48

He needs to pull him self together, mild headache, bit fuzzy…..if he was genuinely ill, he would know about it. I would have no time or sympathy for this, what a wet weekend !

Janieforever · 23/09/2023 11:50

JFDIYOLO · 23/09/2023 11:46

He needs some help.

If you were getting overwhelmed by something, perhaps resulting in some odd behaviour, would you hope he'd try to help you get to the bottom of it?

That's what 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health' really means.

It really does seem like he has a problem around new and different places and activities and could benefit from some investigations.

Be prepared for heels digging in, though.

What because he’s no personal responsibility? He owes nothing to the op?

it sounds like anxiety to me op. Does he do new things at home?

Pinkbubblybits · 23/09/2023 11:50

Holiday in colder climates? In UK?

Mumsanetta · 23/09/2023 11:51

He needs to pull himself together and so do you. He is only able to ruin your holidays because you allow him to. Don’t pander to it!

Diorama1 · 23/09/2023 12:01

I second the anxiety thing. For many years every time I went away anywhere I felt awful. I always only perked up coming home. It took me a long time to realise it’s a travel anxiety. I wanted to go away and enjoy myself but felt generally rotten most of the time. I didn’t understand it. I still have it but now I understand it better I can push through.

Original poster
Champgal · 23/09/2023 12:02

We actually came on a trekking holiday (something I wanted to do for years) around Nepal. DH did not train properly, despite me telling him how hard it would be, he struggled, got sick on the hardest parts of the trek. We returned to Kathmandu after completing the trek finally. He was upset the guide called him lazy and was always acting sick. he said he wasn’t feeling well when we got back to Kathmandu, again, fuzzy, stomach pains. He hasn’t been vomiting or had the shits… he’s not whispering to me when I ask him a question like he’s so unwell he can’t even speak up. I asked him does he need to go to hospital, a pharmacy, a doctor? He said no to all.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 23/09/2023 12:03

@Pinkbubblybits

Holiday in colder climates? In UK?”

ewww no, who wants to do that?!

JFDIYOLO · 23/09/2023 12:06

The massive problem with a MH issue is that the very organ you need to use to deal with the problem is the one that's not well.

We'd have no problem calling GP for that lump, that pain, that wrong bleeding etc.

But where it's the brain / mind that's probably having an issue, using it to make a rational, forward thinking decision and a plan may be a huge challenge.

And that's where yes, @Janieforever , his personal responsibility and capacity to deal with it may be diminished and needing some support.