Feeling resentful at sick DH

[Champgal]

I know off the bay everyone is most likely going to tell me I’m being very unreasonable, but I feel pissed off that EVERY time we go away DH gets sick and we have to stay in. I tell him before we go he needs to take measures to ensure the holiday isn’t spoiled with him getting sick but he always insists he will be fine then we so much time inside. Every time I try to go out and do something he insists he comes then we get ten mins down the road and he says we need to turn back as he’s too unwell feeling. I know it’s not his fault but l get so annoyed that I want to be out doing things and he wants to sit inside in the air con because he says he feels not great. Urgh!

He doesn’t even accept that this happens. I said to him ‘wow babe your sick again? Every holiday this seems to happen’ and he said no it doesn’t. He also thinks it’s rude of me to mention it.

He sounds like a selfish nightmare. However, I wonder does he have anxieties around change? I used to and would avoid holidays/travel etc as to me they created more anxieties than they were worth. But then I married a man who was very much get up and go and didn't want to sit around feeding my anxieties. We aren't together anymore and he turned out to be not a great husband but the one thing he did for me was yank me out of my comfort zone and now me and my kids travel all over the place. Just do your thing and leave him behind. I'd never let anyone stop me from getting out and about.

I think you need to stop beating around the bush here.

Don't book anymore holidays with him and tell him why. Go away with your friends instead.

I voted YABU because I would have stopped booking holidays with him years ago.

A definition of insanity is when you keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Go alone or with people who won’t ruin it for you.

Having read your update I'm sure this just isn't the kind of holiday for him and there is some reason (embarrassment / control / lack of self awareness) that means he has not told you this, so when he gets there he is overwhelmed with anxiety. It would be so much more helpful to both of you if he just admitted it's not for him and you could go with someone who would want to be there.

I think what you take from this depends on why he isn't being honest with you about not wanting adventurous holidays (my hunch is it makes him feel emasculated at some level). But regardless, he's not the right travelling companion for you.

He sounds like a fun sponge. And it's strange that this behaviour only happens when you're doing something that you've really wanted to do...

Don't put either of you through this again. Write yourself a note today to read back to yourself when you're contemplating booking the next trip so you remember how he makes you feel.

When you get home agree that you won't drag him off on those holidays you live for.

Alternate your holidays, find a friend or a club to go adventuring with.

He is trying, badly, and you can't accept his behaviour.

Be adults about it. Agree to differ and find something you both like to share.

@Champgal if he’s an otherwise decent partner, maybe it’s time to accept that you like different types of holidays.

I recognise that I’m like your DH because I like my home comforts and will only stay in accommodation with proper facilities. I have various health problems which are aggravated by being too cold, too hot, an uncomfortable bed etc. My ex used to get annoyed if I felt faint in the heat or had an upset stomach or needed to rest because I felt overwhelmed by being in a big group. Luckily my DH is more like me and doesn’t enjoy adventurous travel!

You need to talk to your DH and find out if he’d actually prefer a quieter, easier type of trip with less pressure.

Yeah I agree this sounds like anxiety - feeling out of it, feeling fuzzy and stomach pains are all pretty classic signs of anxiety. So either he isn’t aware that’s why he’s feeling like this or doesn’t want to tell you he hates adventure holidays. To be fair I would definitely get anxiety if I had to on a trekking holiday in the Himalayas!

I’d find someone to go on these sorts of trips with - either friends or just go yourself - and find a kind of holiday you both genuinely enjoy to do together.

Its either he likes the attention he gets when he's "unwell " and spoiling your holiday.

Or he's overcome with a form of anxiety/panic but won't admit it.

Hopefully he didn't pack the dressing down of doom in his case too?!

In all seriousness I agree though re it likely being anxiety related.

This. Just reading about your holiday made me anxious about illness 😃😃 - altitude, trekking in sun, remote locations so not easy to retreat to a hotel room. Just anticipation of those things would probably induce some symptoms in me.

You sound quite intense about it but fair enough - he agreed to come on the holiday. He needs space to admit while he fancies it, these holidays aren't for him.

I would second this, he absolutely suffers with anxiety!

If I get really anxious and overwhelmed I feel really sick, and struggle to move or speak because it makes the nausea worse. I know it is brought on by things like overstimulation and lack of sleep, and if I can't nip it in the bud need to treat it with anxiety and anti-sickness meds.

The whispering made me wonder if it is something like this? If so I have a lot of sympathy for your DH, but understand it's not much fun for you either. As others have said it could just be that this type of holiday isn't suitable for him. I agree he needs to see someone for his MH.

Let him stay in. You could still go out.

He either has anxiety or is controlling.

Can I assume you’re both quite well off?

If that’s the case then I would book separate holidays.

Have an active, adventurous one without him (either by yourself or with friends/family).

And then a lazier one with him.

When you’re on holiday with him, you’re
then do the activities without him.

Warn him before you set off that if he gets ill he’ll have to go back by himself because you’ll be staying.

I understand that these kind of behaviours can sometimes be part of a bigger picture and therefore could be a control tactic but bloody hell, if your normally lovely husband or partner was getting ill on adventure type holidays why wouldn’t you give them the benefit of the doubt?! Why wouldn’t you think ‘oh, maybe they’re not suited to these holidays but don’t want to disappoint me’.

I know that if I already struggled with these kind of holidays but knew my husband loved them, I would try and do it and I’d want to manage it but I also know that I might find it really physically challenging.

Have a chat, let him know that he doesn’t have to come if he’s not suited to these trips and he won’t be letting you down. If he is feeling anxious and unwell, the knowledge that it’s pissing you off will just make it worse.

I would also say that being angry and upset with someone for being ill could also be considered abusive as part of a bigger picture. So many posters don’t seem to actually like the people they are married to!😕

To be fair, we don’t know if he also goes on these types of holidays with his friends or alone. It might not be that OP is dragging him along.

An activity holiday is an oxymoron in my world, but if I had a DP who wanted to do that shit, I would encourage them to go alone or with like minded friends.

Then I would find a holiday that held middle ground, for example, they could go hiking in the Dolomites whilst I stayed lakeside visiting cathedrals and museums and admiring the scenery.

I think we need more info from OP really…

I'm now thinking this too. I felt very sympathetic to OP at the start of the thread (still do really), but my sympathy for him grew somewhat at this revelation.

I think trekking in Nepal is a lovely idea, but many would find it daunting, including me. When I find something that daunting it tends to trigger my irritable bowel problems so being somewhere where there probably often isn't easy access to decent toilet facilities (I find hole in the ground ones impossible to use now) would make me very anxious indeed.

Maybe neither of you are being unreasonable. Maybe the types of things you want to do while away on holidays are different. Maybe he would be better chilling on a beach or by the pool while you go trekking if you want to. Many times when DH and I are away we have days doing completely different things.

Also, don't underestimate the effects that even small differences in food can have on some people's digestion. I am one of those. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I love to try the food, and I do take medication for my IBS, but I often still can't risk being too far from a useable toilet.

I don't let it stop my DH or my DDs though. I'm happy for them to go out without me, or I might catch them up if I can later. Or I might decide to happily stay behind and read my book.

Just my thoughts.

Is this happening on other kinds of holidays like relaxing ones or just the activity type?

He controls you well with his behaviour, doesn't he

My boss goes on like this. I don’t know how his wife puts up with it. Slightest thing, and the smelling salts are out…

I know some posters are saying he’s controlling (and maybe he is) but I wonder if it’s himself he’s trying to control rather than you (that’s if activity holidays cause him anxiety). When I was younger if someone wanted me to do an activity I didn’t want to do (but was considered ‘fun’) I would feel ill and probably came across as a hypochondriac. I can look back and see that I was trying to control my situation (but not other people).

You're married to a selfish man-child hypochondriac. I would plan holidays without him.

The responses here are interesting. My fil is like this, has terrible health anxiety but thinks he's actually ill and makes a terrible fuss about needing to go home and generally spoiling days out. When I posted about it here once I read told I was a horrible unsympathetic person but I'm glad to see you've had better responses that understand how bloody infuriating it is.

Your DH, like my fil, needs to get help for his anxiety. My fil won't, so we just don't see him much any more, about twice a year. It's his loss.