To put up with terrible sex forever?

[EverydayProcrastination]

My husband is terrible in bed. Selfish, unimaginative, wants to me to do all the work. It's so bad that I feel like crying during it. I try to distract myself but i hate him on top of me.

I try to avoid it and he sulks. I have tried to talk to him but he is defensive and gets upset and sulks and says what a cow i am.

I have a lot to lose in a divorce. Nobody has time for all the details but i've been to a solicitor and i've got myself into a really stupid set up.

I really think i might have to stay with him forever. And maybe we will be ok. We both work, we both have social lives, we got on OK. But the sex may be infrequent (every 3 weeks, lasts for 10 minutes) so I would think I could just tolerate that but i don't know if i can.

Do other people enjoy having sex with their husband? And yes it's always been pretty bad, and yes my lack of self-esteem made me put up with it, but it's got worse and worse to the point where now i shudder thinking about it.

AIBU to think it's manegable? I don't really care about sex. I'd be happy to never have it again. So it's definitely not that I want someone else.

Sex without consent is rape. Consent isn't consent if it's reluctant or influenced by worries about money or the need to avoid emotional abuse that will come if you decline (including sulking fits).

You absolutely should not be consenting to sex that is crap, unpleasurable and uncomfortable with a selfish man who doesn't care how miserable its making you. He can get whatever he needs from wanking without inflicting that on you.

If he is that bad in bed I can’t imagine he is that much better out of it. What do you get out of the relationship?

Would he consider going to couples counselling together? Might be easier with a professional

Hello Carrie, how is the Oxfordshire countryside?

I remember seeing a post recently about 'asexual' women leaving their partners and suddenly finding they're not asexual at all!- they'd just been worn down by years of relationship hardships and crap sex... so all is not lost.

You say he's a bit of a man-child when you raise this, what happens when you say you want some sex designed around your pleasure? Is it half-assed? Is it a flat out no?

There are some very smart people here, what about your situation is hopeless? There must be a way out where you're not royally screwed if that's what you want...

That made me laugh. I'd take Boris over my husband these days which is really saying something.

I think that side of things is getting much worse. I didn't feel that much pressure before from him - not that much. But a few weeks ago our cleaner was due to come at lunchtime and it was just me and him at home - the kids in school- and it was about 10 mins before she was due to arrive and he tried to have sex with me by the front door and i said no for obvious reasons. and he started saying how boring i was and i woudl have done that when i was younger. he was smiling when saying it as if to make a joke but he was saying "god. what's happened to you to get so boring?" and i did really feel pressured and it ended up happening. which says basically i've got no self-respect left! i felt awful after that and since then i've just been thinkign i don't know if i can do this long-term.

You only have one life and no matter how hard it will be you and your children will be better off away from this man.

“I have a lot to lose in a divorce. Nobody has time for all the details but i've been to a solicitor and i've got myself into a really stupid set up.”

You need to pinpoint what all this is about and see if you can change it to be fairer.

I'm so glad my hubby isn't this way. It should be fully consensual between both and it should be mutual pleasure. I can guarantee when I've said not in mood if unwell or something hubby won't do it and neither will he make comments. We end up having cuddles instead. You shouldn't be made to feel bad that also is awful.

😂

That ain’t just bad sex that’s a disrespectful and coercive husband.

I couldn’t live with that no.

Saying Boris is better says it all. You’re better off skint and free surely?

How did you end up with him?

Honestly? If you can bring by yourself to do it, just say no. He can do the leaving if he doesn't like it.

Why have you got so much to lose in a divorce?

It's up to you, really. Stay if 10 minutes of sex once every 3 weeks is worth the payoff. You've only got to look in the news to see all the elderly ugly ruch men with beautiful wives to see it's a commonplace choice for some.

Outsource sex to someone else - you , him or both - if that helps?

Or leave.

You may stay celibate after that or find your libido comes back with someone you like/fancy/love

OP, how was your sex life with others prior to marriage?

I don't understand it when women (or men) try and tell their partner that their not fulfilled by their sex lives, and their partner ignores them or doesn't make any efforts to make it better.

If my dh told me I wasn't doing it for him, assuming it was fixable and not because of stuff I can't change (like certain aspects or my appearance or asking me to do stuff I wasn't comfortable with), I'd make every effort to make things better. Yeah it might sting to be told our sex life is lacking, but assuming he approached the topic gently and with kindness, then i'd definitely try.

In most cases where the woman is unhappy, it's often due to the man not prioritising her pleasure and rushing foreplay (or forgoing it!). All things that are fairly easy to change and make an effort with. It boggles my mind that people can enjoy sex with a partner who has told them that they're not happy!? It's just so selfish and reduces the partner to a sex toy essentially, because their pleasure is irrelevant.

If leaving him isn't an option, i'd either stop the sex (it's not good for your mental health to be coerced in to shit sex, even if it's once a month) or I'd take matters into your own hands. Buy some lube, vibrator etc... and tell you dh exactly what he needs to do with them and dangle the carrot of potentially more sex if he ups his game and makes your pleasure a priority. Or (and I know nothing of how it works) insist on seeing a sex therapist. Let a third party tell him what he needs to do.

It’s a difficult one. My first marriage was bad sex so I grit my teeth-but I don’t agree it was anything like rape-with a marriage there is an assumption that you have sex with your spouse-if one person goes off it, it’s a difficult situation as is it fair to ask someone to be in a sexless marriage? My second marriage is totally different-even after years together, sex is lovely. I don’t want it as much as my husband-and if I’m honest, sometimes I do it because I know he loves it rather than because I feel like it-but I love him and want to make him happy. Do you like your dh? Did you used to have good sex? If so, try to find the pleasure and joy in your marriage again-counselling, honest conversation, whatever. If, however, you dislike him and find him unattractive, it really is best to separate-for both of you.

It sounds like there are two things going on here, because you say that your husband is terrible in bed (and I don't doubt that you're correct) but you also say you don't care about sex and wouldn't care if you never had sex again. The fact that you feel like crying during sex is really disturbing. This all just sounds to me like it's a lot more complicated than just your husband being a terrible lover (although clearly that is a massive issue in itself).

Do you have any other sexual feelings? You mention that you don't want sex with anyone else either - have you always been totally indifferent to sex? Did you enjoy sex with other people before you met your husband?

When you say you've tried to talk to your husband about this, do you mean that you've tried to tell him what you do/don't like in bed and he's ignored you? Or do you mean that you've told him you just don't like sex, full stop?

Setting sex aside - what's your relationship like with your husband in general? Because I'm struggling to see how a relationship this dysfunctional in the bedroom can actually be functional in any other way. Sometimes women say things on here like 'I love my DH, he's so kind and funny and I adore him but we just cannot get through to him that he doesn't please me in bed and it's the one thing that's wrong in our relationship'. But your issue doesn't sound like that. So what's your marriage like in general? Do you enjoy his company? Do you feel like you have an equal partnership? Because I'm really, really not getting that vibe from this post, and Im wondering whether your question is not 'Can I put up with terrible sex forever' but 'Can I put up with a man I don't like and am possibly quite scared of forever?'

I think the issue here is you have given constructive feedback about how you are not enjoying it, and his response is to call you a name. Thats the problem.

Do you actually like your dh? I mean it would be understandable if you didn't given his behaviour and the situation. But if you do and it's purely a sex issue then it could improve given work and communication. Men get really weird when you critique their performance. Im not excusing his response but maybe he just feels mortified and doesn't know how to react.

Feeling like crying during sex isn't ok though. Me and my dh don't have the most dynamic, fulfilling sex but I enjoy it because I love him as a person. It sounds like your issues go a lot deeper than sex and even though you'd be worse off financially, you have to ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

The correct response would have been: I’m not boring, you’re unattractive and shit at sex. I literally grit my teeth it’s so bad.

Men who are selfish in bed are usually selfish out of it too. I cannot imagine he’s sweetness and light the rest of the time.

If you’re determined to stay with him, the only option surely is to tell him to fuck someone else.

LTB.
Life is too short for this kind of selfishness around intimacy.
I’m a gay woman, and the amount of women prepared to put up with bad, unpleasant or even unwanted sex from men astonishes me.

If he’s not willing to communicate or talk about it or have you tell him/ guide him or ask him for something in bed then get rid.

Was the sex always awful?