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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put up with terrible sex forever?

98 replies

EverydayProcrastination · 22/09/2023 09:45

My husband is terrible in bed. Selfish, unimaginative, wants to me to do all the work. It's so bad that I feel like crying during it. I try to distract myself but i hate him on top of me.

I try to avoid it and he sulks. I have tried to talk to him but he is defensive and gets upset and sulks and says what a cow i am.

I have a lot to lose in a divorce. Nobody has time for all the details but i've been to a solicitor and i've got myself into a really stupid set up.

I really think i might have to stay with him forever. And maybe we will be ok. We both work, we both have social lives, we got on OK. But the sex may be infrequent (every 3 weeks, lasts for 10 minutes) so I would think I could just tolerate that but i don't know if i can.

Do other people enjoy having sex with their husband? And yes it's always been pretty bad, and yes my lack of self-esteem made me put up with it, but it's got worse and worse to the point where now i shudder thinking about it.

AIBU to think it's manegable? I don't really care about sex. I'd be happy to never have it again. So it's definitely not that I want someone else.

OP posts:

Uurrjb · 25/09/2023 20:58

This sounds beyond hideous

are you consenting?

if you don’t love him is this a transaction?

EtiennePalmiere · 25/09/2023 21:00

Can you have separate bedrooms ? I could have written your posts (esp the second one) word for word and sleeping apart helped a lot. Btw he left anyways, and a few years afterwards I rediscovered my libido like PP said

FoxClocks · 25/09/2023 21:01

I bet he wouldn't divorce you if you said no to sex. Tell him you've gone off it.

Hunkydory99 · 25/09/2023 21:04

OP, if you tell him you’re no longer going to subsidise his lifestyle and that 50% of the outgoings are X amount and it’s up to him to contribute, what will he say? Would it make you feel in a stronger position to leave him esp if you can tolerate it for a year to show he’s capable of earning, isn’t the main childcare provider by default and to line the coffers a bit? The first bills I’d hand over to him would be anything that benefits him - wifi, tv packages then stop buying ‘naice’/favourite foods of his from the weekly shop. I’d honestly just stop doing anything nice for him and no a chance I’d ever have sex with him again.

IAmColdAndIHaveACold · 25/09/2023 21:13

He sounds awful and I don’t just mean in bed. I really can’t see how staying can possibly be the right choice. It might cost you some money to leave but you’re so young, you can support yourself and earn it all back, and never have to have sex you don’t want or look after this man-baby again.

ClaudineDeBussy · 25/09/2023 21:18

OP, I'd look into the legal side a bit more. You may well be right - but what concerns me is that your husband must know that things aren't great, and he could at any time decide to cut his losses and divorce you. It sounds as if he would personally stand to gain financially by doing this, and you don't want to live with that threat hanging over you. I could take bad sex, but I couldn't take being screwed financially (it's a reason why I'd never remarry). Is there a member of your family you could talk to about this? Could they go to another solicitor with you? If it's also family money at stake, it might be worth a go. I also have family money, so know how you feel about this...

BridgetJonesAsFuck · 25/09/2023 21:27

If you can afford it - leave x

winterchills · 25/09/2023 21:31

I wouldn't be able to carry on like that! U shouldn't put up with it. Hopefully u can go to couples counselling

Original poster

EverydayProcrastination · 25/09/2023 21:43

When I spoke to a solicitor they said they most helpful thing I could do was get him back into work. I don't know how I do that. I tell him he needs to find proper work but I can't force him. @ClaudineDeBussy but yes he could leave himself and force it anyway.

@Mirabai I wish I knew. Sex has never been great for me so it didn't feel that bad. He was less aggressive than other partners. We had a good time most of the time and I cared about him. But I look back and think my standards have been on the floor since I was a teenager.

I have tried therapy. Talked about my dad who was very troubled. Not a lot of love in my house. But knowing shitty childhood = shitty relationships hasn't actually led me to sorting anything out!

OP posts:

CherryBlossom321 · 25/09/2023 21:49

He’s been coercing you into sex, which makes it impossible for you to consent. Your nervous system is experiencing this as SA. Please prioritise your wellbeing.

Londonscallingme · 25/09/2023 21:52

EverydayProcrastination · 25/09/2023 21:43

I have tried therapy. Talked about my dad who was very troubled. Not a lot of love in my house. But knowing shitty childhood = shitty relationships hasn't actually led me to sorting anything out!

Maybe you need to consider a career change too, one which pays considerably less? Then he’ll either have to go back to work or at least you can separate being equally poorly paid?

Mirabai · 25/09/2023 21:58

But knowing shitty childhood = shitty relationships hasn't actually led me to sorting anything out!

Im sorry to hear that. You have the chance to sort it out now though while you’re still young. You could take a break from relationships for a bit, do some therapy and regroup.

At the very least you would be free of dire sex + sponging!

bonzaitree · 25/09/2023 22:11

You’re In your 30s so likely have 30 years of work left in you.

If I were you I’d bin him off now, take the financial hit and build up from there. You have a long long time to get back into a good position before retirement.

Losing some money in a divorce sounds like money well spent with this particular specimen.

Original poster

EverydayProcrastination · 25/09/2023 22:21

Yes I am still quite young. I feel about 15 years older than I am! I just want to be left alone to drink tea and do DIY and read and be with my kids. I don't want to have sex in the middle of the day up against the front door!

I can see from your comments I am being ridiculous. Last couple of times he's suggested sex I've actually shouted NO involuntarily as soon as he suggests it. So it's not really sustainable as every bone in my body doesn't want it.

OP posts:

Chickenkeev · 26/09/2023 02:50

EverydayProcrastination · 25/09/2023 19:59

@Mirabai honestly I don't know what is going on. With every relationship I meet them, they seem great, and then slowly but surely they become like children, borrow money from me, become lazy, and then increasingly mean, selfish. I seem to be the problem but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I can't bear to have sex with him forever. I'm in my 30s. He's older. It has always been rubbish sex but now I find it upsetting. Maybe because deep down I don't like him much anymore.

It sounds like you need to get a lot more selfish. You're setting yourself up to fail if you do everything and these man babies sense that and run (crawl) with it.

Mrsmulhern · 26/09/2023 02:57

@Londonscallingme 😂😂 MN is hilarious! How the hell would that work? Op doesn’t actually want to be with him so eventually they’ll split and she’s then got no money?! Terrible advice

Sayitaintso33 · 26/09/2023 07:21

Uurrjb · 25/09/2023 20:58

This sounds beyond hideous

are you consenting?

if you don’t love him is this a transaction?

What she seems to be doing is deceiving her husband because she does not want to divorce him.

Londonscallingme · 26/09/2023 07:34

Mrsmulhern · 26/09/2023 02:57

@Londonscallingme 😂😂 MN is hilarious! How the hell would that work? Op doesn’t actually want to be with him so eventually they’ll split and she’s then got no money?! Terrible advice

It was partly tongue in cheek to be honest, but it’s not totally wild. she’s concerned about spousal maintenance, which is calculated on the basis of their relative incomes. Her solicitors have suggested she needs to get him to go back to work (hence removing the disparity in their incomes) but he won’t do it. I was just pointing out that another way to equalise their incomes, is for her to earn less. It’s a strategy to pay less spousal maintenance, not general advice for life!

Mirabai · 26/09/2023 09:18

Last couple of times he's suggested sex I've actually shouted NO involuntarily as soon as he suggests it. So it's not really sustainable as every bone in my body doesn't want it.

It’s upsetting to hear you’ve been coerced into sex despite shouting no. You’re right it’s completely unsustainable.

Original poster

EverydayProcrastination · 26/09/2023 17:29

Sayitaintso33 · 26/09/2023 07:21

What she seems to be doing is deceiving her husband because she does not want to divorce him.

Show quote history

This is wild. How am I deceiving him? I've told him I want him to be more loving and pay more attention to me during sex and he laughs it off or gets angry. He is pressuring and makes me feel guilty for refusing, despite not willing to put in more effort. I'm finding divorce difficult to get my head round due to the upset it will cause my kids and my family. I would love to divorce the selfish manchild. I just need to stop feeling so damn guilty about the impact of it.

OP posts:

ALongHardWinter · 26/09/2023 17:33

If a man kept saying I was a cow,I would not be having sex with him,ever.

OlizraWiteomQua · 26/09/2023 17:39

@EverydayProcrastination Last couple of times he's suggested sex I've actually shouted NO involuntarily as soon as he suggests it. if after this he had intercourse with you, he is a rapist. Would it help you to think about the benefit to your children of not living with a rapist? Even if he took you at your word and didn't go ahead, he us still being abusive, and the psychological damage done to children who grow up in a household where one parent is being abused by the other is immense. Even if it means financial difficulties your children will be better off with you single and free of this horror.

goody2shooz · 30/12/2023 12:20

@EverydayProcrastination would you be happy if your daughter was living your marriage? I’m quite sure your children would be devastated to know their mother was enduring being raped by their father, so as to continue playing ‘happy families’. And this is NOT a happy family despite your efforts. Living under this kind of stress will make you ill - either mentally, physically or both. Divorce this boor and your life will be immeasurably better, the money isn’t everything.

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